Girlfriend denying orgasms

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by cucumber, Jan 22, 2009.

  1. cucumber

    cucumber New Member

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    Hi there

    I'd like some advices on how to get my girlfriend free her mind and completely get herself into while having sex. She kind of denies having orgasms, actually she never had an orgasm before and it started to bother me. She is not deniable in doing anything, she has pretty nice shaped and beautiful body, nothing to be ashamed of, actually, as she said, she feels really comfortable in her body, she is not frigid... but simply cant just relax and enjoy it. We talked a lot about it and she said its her, her mind, not anything at my part. She doesnt feel "right" when we are about to have sex, she is kind of scared, feels like it will hurt her in some way, emotionally and mentally, like she will be smitten if she allows herself to have an orgasm.
    I had difficult time talking to her about it as she gets angry when we speak about it, as she feels mad at herself for being such, now its a bit better as she is trying to fight this.
    I recommended her to talk to an older/more experienced women about it, as I cant explain anything to her as a female would, also to masturbate (she never did this before) as much as she feels comfortable with it...
    She will read all your inputs so anything you say that might help we will be very thankful.
     
  2. cbrmale

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    You don't say where you are from, but you are probably American. If so, then your girlfriends problem is most likely caused by Christianity. This insidious religion has permeated Western society with negative messages on sex since the middle ages. Especially negative messages about the sexual needs, wants and desires of women, who have much more sexual potential than us men. Your girlfriend doesn't have to be particularly religious, because I have been in your country and I was surprised just how much Christianity permeates many parts of American society. You see, most of the rest of the world has moved on from Christianity.

    I suggest you talk with your girlfriend in a non-confrontational way on how joyous sex can be. Although sexual passivity affects more women than men, it is not exclusively a female problem. God intended sex for pleasure. It is His gift to both men and women. It’s not a “dirty” gift — it is a beautiful gift. The trouble is that the world has distorted God’s gift and tried to make it look ugly.
     
  3. cucumber

    cucumber New Member

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    I'm from southern Europe and we are both pure atheists, I'm sure religion has nothing to do with this, also her parents arent religious that much and they never influenced on her in that way.

    Either way thanks a lot for your input.
     
  4. cbrmale

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    This word 'smitten' and the probability that you were American led into the wrong direction.

    Beyond American religious zealotry, you have already done the right things, which are to talk about it, and for your girlfriend to try masturbation, which is certainly practice for sex.

    How is it that you and her are attempting her orgasm? You do know that very few women can orgasm through intercourse, as her key arousal points are her clitoris and her g-spot, neither of which are well stimulated through intercourse? I have a standard script of starting slow with lots of embracing and kissing, and then getting more purposeful, and then moving to oral sex until my wife (or any other partner) comes. To learn how to do oral sex I asked a woman to show me how she masturbated while I watched, and then I imitated her with my fingers and then my tongue.

    I don't do oral sex evey time, an equally erotic way to bring my wife to orgasm is to lay on her lightly and kiss her and rub her with my fingers just the right way until she comes. Once my wife comes we then move to intercourse, but she never comes a second time. But that doesn't matter.

    I hope this jotting of how we make love helps you with a possible script and technique to follow.
     
  5. lbushwalker

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    From experience one thing is for certain; unless the woman feels entirely secure then she won't come period.
    This may be the environment ie location, proximity to other people, the fear of being caught/revealed to having sex, fear of pregnancy or whatever other issue prevents her from letting go.
    Communication and finding out the cause of anxiety and dealing with it as a couple is the only solution.
    Find out if she orgasms whilst masturbating is first base, because unless she is comfortable with that within herself how can she otherwise regardless what you might do.
    Good luck
     
  6. bigpappi

    bigpappi Member

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    try taking more pot shots at a religion and a country..i dont think you quite covered it completely. i didn't know narcissism was a religion but after reading your post, apparently so. And your statement that "the rest of the world has move on from Christianity" is ignorant
    here is a link so you can read it for yourself...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_religious_groups......
    christianity leads the way with Catholicism being a form of Christianity. try to be a little educated when you blast a group of people.
     
  7. bigpappi

    bigpappi Member

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    by the way...i am baptist and my wife is catholic and our sex life is just fine.
     
  8. Barbwire

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    You never pass up an opportunity to bash America, do you cbrmale? Don't you see that each time you do, you come out looking like an ass? Really man, ya do!

    I'm sure you'll have a reply that will intellectually blow me out of the water. Please just make sure that when gathering factoids for your reply, you also Google the word, "compassion".

    SF is an international forum, please remember that.

    Now, Mr. Cucumber, do you know if your girlfriend has suffered any kind of sexual abuse?
     
  9. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    Cbrmale, I'm curious as to what made you think the OP was American, apart from his description of his girlfriend's difficulties with orgasm? What made you think their problems are "caused by Christianity?"

    Even though his English is excellent, I could tell just by reading post that this wasn't the English of a native speaker.

    And it turns out that they are neither American, nor are they Christian.

    I guess we should be happy that you only bashed America, and didn't take the opportunity to talk about how great Australia is.
     
  10. HardRocker

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    Hey, just be happy he didn't remind us about his big penis.

    Pile on!:eek:rgy
     
  11. cbrmale

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    I thought he was American because the majority of the members of the site are American, and the Internet is an American invention. As to his English, it is clear that there are issues, but I have read posts of known English-speakers which were not worded as well as this one.

    As regards the influence of Christianity, his posting struck a chord with me and two relationships where I had similar sexual issues with my partners. My wife was influenced by envangelical American religious influences transported to Zimbabwe, and it took some time to resolve this issue. Actually it took a lot of time to identify it and very little time to resolve it, and I resolved it as I posted. The religion she was influenced by was Baptist.

    I had a previous relationship which ended over religious views of sex. She was of Southern European birth and we got on well together and we were having sex, but in this case the cause of the problems were clear and beyond redemption.

    So I have been there twice with Christianity and I know the mixed messages that Christianity gives over sex, and I know this religion has caused much grief and anxiety over something very simple and very natural. And there is no true Christian church which encourages sex before marriage, indeed it is actively discouraged, and this is clear and undeniable. Every single person who posts 'my girlfriend and I when we have sex...' is committing a sin, in the eyes of Christianity.

    This can often cause problems, as it did with my previous girlfriend. She liked me and she knew I was sexually experienced and she suspected I desired a sexual relationship. But she couldn't deal with the fact that we were having sex without being married to each other, especially when it was a relationship that was never destined for marriage.

    My apologies on the American religious zealotry comment, that was out of order. But I have my views on Christainity and sex, and I have been to America and I know that America has very different perspective on religion compared to any other country in the developed world. I put the two together based on a couple of my life's experiences.
     
  12. Barbwire

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    Apology accepted.

    May I ask you about your wife? Is she a kind, caring individual that gives freely of herself and shows compassion towards all? The reason I ask is because the TRUE Christians I know, the ones that walk the walk and talk the talk, are some of the nicest people I know. When I see them, I don't think about what they do in the bedroom, what I do see is, how they live their lives.

    If you want to blame your wife's religion for her former sexual hangups that is your right, but can you honestly say that there is nothing positive about your wife that can be attributed to her religious upbringing?

    Please PM me the response, as this thread is beyond highjacked at this point. The OP hasn't poked his head in here for days. Poor kid. :(



     
    #12 Barbwire, Jan 27, 2009
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2009
  13. cbrmale

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    Cowboy Lover,
    My wife is kind, caring and compassionate, but it's hard to determine if this is a result of her religious beliefs or a deeper cultural difference. Africans are quite different to us in very many ways, and elements of her cultural upbringing go back several thousands of years. She is the first to admit that in Australia at least, quite a number of the people at her current Church are selfish and intolerant. At the moment, the biggest issue for organised Christianity is to get women to cover up at the beach and to ban topless bathing (it's summer here). Topless bathing has been a feature of Australian life for many decades, and it's really a trivial issue to get excited over in any case. Needless to say this campaign has gone nowhere, politicians don't want to get involved (naturally).

    I don't have a particular issue with the beliefs of Christianity in a broad sense, and some of the sayings of Jesus are very closely aligned with Buddhism and other enlightened beliefs. But many years ago the religion went askew. Virginity was purity, sex was a sin, and they haven't really gotten over that. If anyone doesn't know just how askew it went, a little research on sex in medieval times will be quite enlightening. It was strange, given Judaism encourages good sex. It is felt by theologians that Paul was sexually undeveloped, possibly a repressed homosexual, and his writings reflect this repression. The writings of Paul were later used to repress sexual behaviour in an extreme manner.
     
  14. lbushwalker

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    Man this thread has gone on a tangent.
    What about poor ol' Cucumber still waiting for some useful advice?
     
  15. Barbwire

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    Yep, we seem to do that a bit, now and again. ;)

    I did ask the OP for more information regarding his girlfriend, but he never answered back. *shrugs*
     
  16. cbrmale

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    I asked for clarification of what they were doing to attempt to reach orgasm, but didn't get a response. I posted some general advice on oral sex and so on, which is how most women get most of their orgasms.
     
  17. Barbwire

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    WHOA!

    Are you saying that the majority of women get the maximum amount of their orgasms through oral sex?

    [​IMG]
     
  18. cbrmale

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    The 'and so on' included this advice: "I don't do oral sex evey time, an equally erotic way to bring my wife to orgasm is to lay on her lightly and kiss her and rub her with my fingers just the right way until she comes. Once my wife comes we then move to intercourse, but she never comes a second time. But that doesn't matter."

    The majority of women get the majority of their orgasms from clitoral stimulation of some form or other, some get it from g-spot stimulation, some get it from clitoral and g-spot together (which I have done). Other ways of course, and like most men I have had partners come purely through intercourse, usually when they were on top and only when things were travelling really well (and I was able to last despite my partners very obvious arousal - no small feat that).
     
  19. Barbwire

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    Thanks for clearing that up. I'm still happy I was able to use the bull emoticon. I've been holding onto that one for months. :lol
     
  20. cucumber

    cucumber New Member

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    Cucumber was away from the computer for a while, I see you got into a nice little chat here :p

    Now on topic, this "problem" is now solved, actually never existed. Its just she wasnt too much into sex before and never educated herself and read about it, but just listened and accepted what others said.
    She has had orgasms indeed, just always hid it, as she felt that "something" and felt a bit upset/embarrassed/whatever... and expected something harder, more intense... an ecstasy so she could tell she actually came. Basically she didnt knew that what happened was an orgasm :D
    Anyways, now I can tell I'm darn relaxed and happy shes healthy and everything, and going to do some play :D

    Later folks

    P.S.

    Dont ever call cucumber a poor one, EVER!