Girlfriend bringing back old habbits...need advice!

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by studyman, Nov 20, 2010.

  1. studyman

    studyman New Member

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    Hello

    We are both college students, same age, and we met in China, and we both live in nebraska and attend the same school.

    She has gone overseas for study abroad in Japan, and I reside in Nebraska currently.

    I have a couple of questions to ask (feel free to give your own opinions...I want to see what people think about this.)

    Preface: Before we met, her friends and her were experimenting with their sexualities. She never thought she could be in love with a guy, and she felt that women were more satisfying. So she enjoyed reading this stuff called "Yaoi and Doujinshi" To me, it looks like gay porn with cartoons or anime characters, to her she says she "can relate to it because its a story,not just all about sex, and I like to put me in the story, and you" For some reason, I am just having the hardest time believing that. So she stopped looking at it, and while in Japan (hometown of these graphic comics / love stories / whatever) she recently found a whole stash of her old favorites that had released new issues. So while we were skyping, she told me she bought some manga, and I asked what kind, and she said well you probably won't like to read it, but I got "yaoi" and "doujinshi". She bought some naruto doujinshi, and naruto is BOTH our FAVORITE anime. I had no idea she liked more than just the anime, but she said she likes to read the doujinshi version of naruto too because she relates to naruto, and I am like her counterpart, sasuke, so it feels like it is us.

    I feel betrayed, and almost even violated because I gave up porn for her, and I haven't peaked at it since she left ( in august ), HOWEVER, I used to watch a lot of porn, and look at pictures of nude women online, not cartoons, and not story lines.

    I feel violated because first of all, it's two male characters, and she pretends SHE is one and I am one... she says that she gets some of her fantasies in these. She told me the ones she bought aren't all that graphic, occasionally a penetration box, or whatever. But she said that she only really bought them because of her old self, and seeing all those new issues she just had to buy them, even if we had a talk about "porn" in the past, and giving it up.

    I believe that these comics have a male and a female ROLE even though they are both males. She says I am like the caring shy type, and she is the dominant type. So basically, if we were both boys, I would be the one receiving.

    So basically:
    1. I used to look at real porn, gave it up for her because she wasn't really comfortable with it.

    2. She said she gave hers up, but she went and basically just bought a whole bunch of gay porn.

    3. She gets mad at me because I am mad at her for that, but she says that she reads it for the storyline, she doesn't masturbate to it, she doesn't get off on the pictures (hesitantly says this, or rather, unsure?), and she says "the stories are usually one person fretting over how to make the other happy and it gives me ideas for new things to try with you"

    4. So I took her advice and read a short story she showed me. It was about a boy, who is sick, and get's nurtured by another boy, and at the end of the story, the sick boy is having anal sex with the mother figure type boy.
    5. I really want to believe her, and I don't want to be mad or anything... I really do try to understand her side, but I just don't see it... What does gay sex have to do with me and her? How could such a simple story resemble her and I?

    6. I feel most of what she says is true, but everytime I run over it in my head, it just feels like it hurts me.... She did however promise that after this batch she would be done for good, which was reassuring, but it still didn't solve the, " I am still going to look at these comics, I like the storyline, I don't get off to it, and it gives me ideas on what to do in bed with you"

    7. She also said that when she was lost when she was younger, these brought her happiness. She said feeling like a guy raised her self-esteem.

    8. So why read a love story when you have your own if it isn't to get off to it? Is it just the fact that she really does just want to create new fetishes and try them with me?



    I just want to be able to forget about this and move on, but I am a jealous person, I won't lie, so when she buys these things I feel like it reflects on me in MANY different ways. She showed me some, and it really did make me feel sick to my stomach because I liked the Anime while it is on tv... but I felt like throwing up when the two lead characters were giving it to each other.


    Any advice would be awesome, maybe even someone who looks at this stuff themselves to give me a better explanation. Im sure some people look at it just to get off, but I honestly dont think she was lying when she said she doesn't get off to it, im just confused as to why she is reading it then.
     
  2. johndeeregirl

    johndeeregirl New Member

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    to me reading erotica is JUST fantasy - maybe people enjoy looking at porn (as long as you don't have an addiction to it & reading is the same way.. but not everyone who watches/reads porn masturbates to it ;) )

    she's not choosing porn versus having sex with you, so try not to feel jealous

    she very well could be reading the storyline and fantasizing that it's you and her - some of the stuff writers come up with is much more creative than other people can fantasize about.. it gives a new twist to things
     
  3. studyman

    studyman New Member

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    Okay thank you!


    Any more thoughts?
     
  4. emperorspartacus

    emperorspartacus New Member

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    Sounds to me like what we have here is a failure to communicate. I think some open and honest conversations would go a long way, as would some tolerance. The more you get to know your lady, there's bound to be a thing or two you don't see eye-to-eye on. Sounds like porn is one of those things for you two.

    In my experience, when a person gives up something "for" another person, it doesn't usually last. It seems to me it's better to recognize you both have different tastes, and come up with a reasonable compromise. You want "real" porn, she prefers a story-driven fantasy world. So what? You're in a relationship... not trying to become a new person. You both enjoyed your fantasies before you got together. The only thing that's changed is your attitude.
     
  5. lbushwalker

    Gold Member

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    Dear studyman, life is full of contradictions and many things outside our control so don't bash your head against a brick wall trying but like others have said learn to tolerate differences. This girl is not going to change regardless what you are willing to give up "for her". She is into love stories, granted a bit on the strange side but them why not?
    If you are set on staying with her then you are going to have to accept it all.
    Work out if you have that sort of maturity.........your call dude.
     
  6. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    My advice: don't be jealous. Anything she does doesn't and shouldn't reflect on you. She is her own person. By transposing your jealousy on to her, you will push her away, and she will no longer open up to you. Jealousy is also a very unattractive trait and makes people look small and needy.

    You shouldn't have had to give up porn for her, and neither should she give up her homo-erotic anime. Talk to her about this - try to merge your fantasies together.

    From the sounds of it, I think she may have a desire to dominate you, or to see you being dominated by another man. Why don't you ask her about this?

    I find the best time to talk about sexual fantasies is to approach it in a playful manner when having sex.
     
  7. SAngels00

    SAngels00 New Member

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    I think pornography, hentai all that fun stuff is merely fantasies. She is thinking of you when she relates those h-manga with you so at least she's not thinking of someone else.

    If this bothers you, and you feel uncomfortable you should let her know. Like Marcp said, perhaps combine some fantasies.

    I do understand the craze of animated sexual figures - they are drawn so that they're flawless and unreal (since those characters have huge eyes bigger than their boobs)