Getting depressed

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by yonder101, Oct 17, 2010.

  1. yonder101

    yonder101 New Member

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    Hello, I've never posted here before therefore, I am quite new. I want to really just get something off of my chest. I'm not really sure what I am hoping to get out of this, but any feedback is greatly appreciated.
    I am 24 years old, and my fiance is 25. I am deeply, and madly in love with her. She is everything to me, and I would do absolutely anything for her, no questions asked. I know she loves me more then anything as well. We have what most people would call a perfect relationship. We get along great, we tell each other everything. She is my best friend, and I am hers, no doubt about that. However, we only get intimate MAYBE once (sometimes twice) a month. It is seriously starting to drive me crazy. I told her about my problem. She knows it drives me crazy. She also thinks we should have ALOT more often. So, we are both on the same page about what the frequency of sex should consist of. But she says it's because I do not initiate sex. (Now I have never really been in a relationship. I've never really had a one night stand either. Most of the sex I've had has just happened. I never had to do any initiating or anything like that really.) I do try to initiate it, although I admit I do kind of suck at it. I have literally tried everything I can think of besides blatantly putting my hands down her pants where I would feel like I'm "forcing" her.
    In my honest opinion, I am an ideal spouse. I do most of the cooking, she dusts the house, and vacuums. I do all of the dishes, I do ALOT of her homework (yes, she is in college and I do her work). I buy her flowers, I try to set up romantic evenings with just the two of us. It seems like her idea of an alone evening is her getting on Facebook, and/or watching some stupid shows (she has TONS of them that she watches religiously). I literally feel like I get ignored by her when we are alone. When I do try to initiate sex (which I do frequently), she is completely oblivious to my advances. Sometimes she will giggle, and ask if I am trying to seduce her, which totally ruins the mood for me, and I get embarrassed. I know she has a high sex drive because she watches porn and masturbates at night when I work. I work from 11pm to 7am, which in itself makes it difficult to have sex.
    Like I said, I have talked to her about this, and she either get's defensive, or starts crying saying she is not good to my needs. Then I feel like I have to cheer her up, and tell her that I love her and she makes me the luckiest guy in the world (which I truly believe).
    To top things off, she used to date my best friend before we got together. He wouldn't commit, so that's that story, but they had sex multiple times a day every time they would hang out. She has alot of sexual experience, threesomes, one night stands, and long term relationships. She was also married once before.
    We want to have a child sometime next year, but I'm starting to feel like that would put an even bigger damper on things.
    Is this normal? Am I just a guy who wants sex? I don't think I just want sex, I have went 2 years two different times without sex. Most women gross me out. Finally when I do find one who doesn't gross me out, and I'm as comfortable with her as I am with myself, there is practically no sex? I don't get it. I literally feel like I give her the world, and I get ignored when it comes to my needs.
    I'm going crazy!!!!!!!! Help!!!!
    Thanks.
     
  2. Mittimer

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    First off, welcome to :sf.

    I'm going to be straight forward and come off as a bitch but you wanted advice and feedback so you're getting it.

    Saying your "needs" are being ignored is bullshit. Your NEEDS are to eat, sleep, breathe. Past that, everything is a cherry on top. No, I'm not some cynical woman who got left by her cheating husband, I'm a 21 year old girl getting married to the most amazing man in the world who I happen to fuck like a bunny on an almost daily basis when the mood strikes.

    When you say you're initiating sex, what do you mean? You write as though initiating sex embarrasses you or you just don't know HOW to do it. So until we see how you are, we can't give you advice on that. My thought is that you're just kissing her or laying next to her or flat out asking "do you want to have sex" and you're right, generally you'll get shot down to that. There is a bit more to setting that clock in motion.

    Expecting sex in return for being "the ideal spouse". Uh..no. Do you know how many perfect little house wives cook, clean and take care of the children while piece of shit husbands (not saying all husbands are, the majority AREN'T) sit on their ass and ignore the woman? Your fiancee is not obligated to have sex in return for your house hold chores any more then you're obligated to do those house hold chores.

    Sex is something that needs to be shared by two individuals that are in love and on the same page of a relationship. If you guys aren't there, which you obviously aren't there are going to be some dampers.

    So, she watches tv shows. I'm sure if you didn't work over night, you would do. Ok, she want's to play on facebook, no biggy. You have to realize that your schedules SEVERELY jack up things in the relationship. You work nights, she is a college student.

    By the way, why the hell are you doing her home work? She's not 12, you're not her father, she can do her own work. To me she just sounds like a spoiled little brat and you sound like someone who harbors resentment for your future wife and mother of your kids for the lack of attention and "atta boys" you receive.

    Have you thought about talking to her about the relationship, not just the sex? There are issues there, whether you want to admit it or not. Oh, also, don't compare your sex life with her to your friends sex life with her. The grass is always greener on the other side.

    This line comes up often on the forum and it's the best advice that anyone can give here.

    Communication is key to a good stable relationship. Talk. Talk. Talk.
     
    #2 Mittimer, Oct 17, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2010
  3. yonder101

    yonder101 New Member

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    Sorry, but I'm going to disagree with what you have to say for the most part. This is the ONLY damper in our relationship. We talk about every aspect of our lives to eachother. I'm not looking for an "atta boy" from anybody. You are mistaking me. You are right about one thing though, and that is the embarrassment of initiating sex. I'm not saying I deserve sex in place of doing house hold chores. I am saying I would like to get acknowledged for things. I compliment her every day. Like I said, EVERYTHING is perfect, except the lack of sex. I know it is not a basic need like you are saying. I do know that it is an emotional need that is needed by both partners, and neither need is getting met. We are both in the same situation here. She wants me to initiate, but apparantley when I try that, it goes unnoticed. I initatiate a few ways. Usually put my hand up her shirt, and start massaging her back. I do the whole flirt wrestiling thing. I rub my boner on her in the shower. I even wash her hair EVERYTIME we take a shower together, which is every single day.
     
  4. Mittimer

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    Washing hair isn't initiating sex. Now, the rubbing of the boner on her..that's a straight forward initiation that shouldn't go unnoticed. Flirt wrestling is something that shouldn't be ignored either.
    Out of curiosity, what type of birth control do you use? Is she on the pill or do you use condoms? Sex in the shower when you use condoms could be the reason why she doesn't want to do it, or just flat out ignores it.


    There HAS to be a reason why she's not having sex with you. Has to be. Have you two sat down and talked about that? Without making her feel bad or saying "why aren't you fucking me?"

    Have you considered taking the round about method and asking her what SHE would like you to do to initiate sex? What would really turn her on and get her going?

    Do you know her turn ons and rev-em-up's?

    Something that always gets me going is when my fiancee comes up behind me and wraps him hands around me to massage my breasts and nibbles on my neck and/or whispers dirty-sweet nothings in my ear. It's something simple and yet so very sexy.

    When you two do have sex, who initiates it and is it good sex? Or is it just sex for the sake of getting off?

    I hate to even ask this as I truly don't think this is the reason why, but do you trust your girlfriend? Do you think that maybe..there's something going on that you don't know about? For two people to WANT sex but only have it once or twice a month is just..odd..to say the least.
     
  5. yonder101

    yonder101 New Member

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    Thanks for your reply again.
    We do not use birth control, nor condoms. I know most will disagree, but we use the pull out method. Most of our sex happens in the shower. She usually initiates it by just grabbing my cock and kissing me. Yes I have asked her this before, and she says that I should just grab her crotch and start kissing. Maybe it's the way I was raised, but for some reason that doesn't feel like the right thing to do. Yes I trust my girlfriend more then anything. I know for a fact there is nobody else or anything like that. Trust is not an issue. I honestly think that the whole thing my problem. I feel that she does not think that I desire her, where it's the complete opposite. When I jack off, she is the only person I think about, and quite honestly the only person I can think about to get off.
     
  6. Mittimer

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    Then I think the problem lies there. She's looking for something forceful, something sexy dirty and just to the point, and you're just not comfortable with that. I get it but she may not. The lack of sexual dominance on your part may in turn be making her feel unfulfilled and even turned off by your advances. She may not want to be caressed and kissed, while that is what YOU want.

    There isn't anything wrong with the two of you having different wants when it comes to sex but it's obviously came to a point where you two are going to have to compromise.
     
  7. luckyduck

    luckyduck New Member

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    You seem like me when I was a lot younger. You know the saying, "Nice guys finish last". It holds a lot of truth especially in your sex life. In my experience the quickest way to turn on a woman is to act like a frickin caveman. When you get home from work, stand behind her and squeeze her. Put your hands up her shirt, squeeze her tits, put your other hand down her pants, push your throbbing hard on against her ass, kiss her neck, suck on her ear lobe, etc.... Take her right there in the kitchen, or living room, or where ever it starts. She will love you even more for it. If it doesn't seem natural to you, do it for her. That is what she wants. When you start throwing it down like that she will start initiating sex a lot more too. Hope this helps.
     
  8. Meee

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    You do her homework. Please tell us why you do that. I think it will help us understand your situation so we can give you some more advice.
     
  9. Mittimer

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    He seemed to ignore that question when I asked him it too. I'm very curious
     
  10. Michellesoldman

    Michellesoldman New Member

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    Try this just once and see what happens:

    As soon as you see her when you come home, make it a point to interrupt whatever it is that she's doing. Then look her straight in the eyes and say "I'm gonna take it from you and your gonna like it!"-------make SURE you smile though when you say it.

    Let us know how she reacts....
     
  11. yonder101

    yonder101 New Member

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    Thanks for the replies. I know my problem is confidence and being afraid of rejection. To let you guys know a little more about us. We are very open with each other in the bedroom (or out). There is nothing that we aren't comfortable with together.
    I forgot to answer the part about the homework. I talked her into going back to school for a bit. She has been getting overwhelmed this semester, so I've been taking her take home tests to work and doing them. I work behind a desk in a hotel at night, so I have plenty of time. She feels bad for even letting me take them. I just try to make things as easy as possible on her. I don't want or like it when she stresses out or gets overwhelmed.
     
  12. Mittimer

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    Not to sound like a mom, but do you realize you're hurting her more then helping her by taking her tests for her?
     
  13. yonder101

    yonder101 New Member

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    lol.. Well I explain it to her.. They aren't actual tests. They are just homework type tests.. She get's straight A's and a couple of B's. She does just fine on her actual tests. She just has a whole bunch of reports, and it doesn't give her time for these tests.. They literally take me 5 solid hours to do. They are pretty intense. She takes 16 units, so she is a bit over full time. I do her tests, which in theory, should give us more time together, right?
     
  14. SteveWaste

    SteveWaste New Member

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    Long post coming in...

    My last semester in college, I took 20 credit hours including 2 languages, 2 senior seminars, and an intensive writing course. I also worked part time. It's a lesson in time-management and developing the ability to learn quickly that you aren't giving her a chance to learn. It's okay to help, but you've taken them completely away, and it would now become an issue if you were to just stop. If you were to take her tests to work, LEARN the material, come home and walk through the tests with her so she could do them more quickly... then that would be acceptable. You are essentially a teacher. Don't do her work for her, because...
    1. She won't learn it nearly as well.
    2. She won't expect to have to learn things if you'll just do it.
    3. She won't respect you for it; she WILL expect it from you some day.
    And it's nothing against her character. It would happen to anyone. It will just happen, and then become routine.

    From your first post, I've known exactly what the problem is. I had a friend with the exact same problem a couple of years ago. You say that your relationship is perfect except for this one thing (lack of sex). Do you think your lady would say the same thing? She wouldn't. I'll say that conclusively with 98% certainty.

    You want to take care of her. Have her feel like she can talk to you about anything, lean on you when she needs to, come to you for help, comfort, support, love, concerns, and needs. This is a good thing. These are good aspirations. They are also insufficient. She could get at least half of these emotional needs met by a strong network of a few female friends if she had any that she spends any amount of time with regularly (my words, not yours). Women do dream of a man that will be willing to do these things for them, but not JUST these things. Women can get most of these things from other women. They also want their man to act like a man.

    Do you know why your friend had a much more satisfying sex life with the same woman? It's the same reason the relationship didn't work out; he was selfish and knew what he wanted. Furthermore, he knew how to ask for it and how to get it. The difference between you is that you know what you want, AND your lady is TELLING you how to get it from her, but you're still holding back because you're clinging to this image you have in your head of making your relationship a perfect example of love and support; and in doing so, you're neglecting the fact that your woman, just sometimes, wants to be thrown down and fucked on the living room floor.

    There is a reason that a lot of women are attracted to "bad boys". Its because they see things they like: Assertiveness, sexual aggressiveness, confidence, slight possessiveness; among things they don't like. And many women have found it easier to try and teach a "bad boy" to do nice things for them than it is to teach "good guys" how to treat them like a sexual object every once in a while. "Bad boys" are confident enough to give anything a try, and sometimes can learn some good habits. "Good guys" are usually just that and nothing else; = boring and sexually unsuccessful.

    Your lady is probably very happy with you. She sounds like she notices and appreciates everything that you do for her and is probably very superficially happy. Please trust me with the following:

    She is going out of her mind under the surface. Her needs aren't being met either and she doesn't want to tell you because she's afraid of sounding ungrateful for everything that you DO do for her. Your woman is a freak. You've told us how sexual she is. This is in no way a bad thing; it's actually a huge plus- You've got a golden-ticket: congradu-fuckin'-lations. But SOMEONE needs to tell you that you are squandering it by not listening to her. She needs you to take charge. Be a man. Act aggressive sometimes. Tell her you want her to suck your dick. Walk into the bedroom lock the door, turn off the lights and the TV, and walk over and strip her naked. Meet her in the hallway and back her up against a wall while you make out with her. Kiss her hard. Cradle her head like the Predator and grab a handful of her hair. Send her a text message telling her how you're going to bend her over the computer desk and fuck her till she can't stand.

    And #1...

    Grow a set of balls big enough to actually follow through on this stuff. She's NOT going to think you're a worse boyfriend and she's NOT going to feel like you mis-treat her. You ARE treating her like a sexual object which is the point. It's OKAY to treat women like sexual objects after they KNOW that you love, cherish and respect them.

    I know so many women that would love it if their men would come home from work, kiss them hello, clean up after dinner, rub their feet, write them sweet love letters, then tie them to the bed, spank their ass, and fuck them till they can't walk straight. You've got the first part right... now just work on the second part.

    ~Steve

    ***If for one second you think something I've said is inaccurate; "**PLEASE**" invite your lady to read this post and see what she has to say about it.
     
    #14 SteveWaste, Oct 18, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2010
  15. yonder101

    yonder101 New Member

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    Wow.. Just wow.. This is by far the best advice I have received I think. You are pretty much on track Steve. Thanks a bunch.
    I realize I need to work on my "initiating confidence". I appreciate the feedback from everyone here. I'll be back again, hopefully to contribute next time lol
     
  16. Mittimer

    Gold Member

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    My eyes were as big as saucers when reading the above post.

    Listen. To. Steve.

    No further instruction needed.
     
  17. RoyaleWithCheese92

    RoyaleWithCheese92 New Member

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    :bow Sir Steve :bow
    yonder101: You and I have both been blessed by steve and his amazing ability to read woman... And able to actually know how to explain it to us. Not advice like, "just fuck her bro..." like all the other incompetent retards out there!
    :bow

    Just so you know its not a man crush... Its envy. :phat
     
  18. Honi

    Honi New Member

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    Wow, Steve. Very well said. Terrific advice. I find that you and your lady (swgirl) are some of the most helpful people in the forums here. :rose
     
  19. Beach

    Beach New Member

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    Sir Steve Knocks it outa the park !
    I might add one tiny tid bit if I may...I have learned a-lot sexually/ relationship wise in my 4 decades on this earth and at least for me this holds true-- No matter what you learn, hear, read whatever, you can only be your true self.
    I too was (and in ways, still am the "nice guy") Lost a GF many years ago mostly because of it. BUT you can't change your nature either.
    Knowing what Master Steve imparted is great knowledge but please don't go in like someone your not as I *think* it will come off awkward for her and equally frustrating for you.
    ...Hell IDK you in all probability already knew this but It was on my mind as a concern..

    Good luck !