Getting back together after a breakup.. she doesnt know about the cheating

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Phayzee, Sep 22, 2008.

  1. Phayzee

    Phayzee New Member

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    Hey still kinda new to the forums but had something on my mind and wanted to put it up and maybe get some helpful feedback or advice :p Ok so i'll start by saying that I broke up with my girlfriend just over 2 weeks ago pretty much over commitment issues and not being ready for some of the things I thought she wanted pretty soon. I'll also state that I'm 22 and my girlfriend (ex?) is 30. I know massive age gap but neither of us really thought anything of it. (Maybe it was all those MILF fantasies of mine, or maybe I was just that good for her, I duno lol). She doesnt have kids but I know she wants them in the near future. I was thinkn bout that for a while and yea it freaked me out a fair bit.. hell im only 22, so we broke up kinda coz I didnt wana waste her time coz I was unsure if that was wat i wanted and it was really eating at me for ages.

    K now the interesting stuff...
    We talked a bit and found out she's willing to wait for me pretty much when I'm ready for a commitment and what not. But a few months ago, me being in a very intoxicated state I ended up cheating on her.. still no excuse i kno. I never told her coz i didnt want the relationship to end. Now when I've got this chance of fixing things I duno if the whole cheating thing had been bugging me as well that whole time but i'm thinking if i get back with her I could realise that the guilt is too much to keep secret and I could end up ruining our relationship anyways.. or everything could be ok for a while then I realise it's still not working and i'm wasting more of her time (which i wouldnt normally care about except the age thing).. or it could all turn out pretty good. A big part of me really wants to get back with her but then I got all this crap running throu my head. I'd appreciate any advice or feedback... even if it is just to say i'm a cheating dick n deserve it :ugh
     
  2. heelfetish

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    You're a cheating dick and deserve it. ;)

    But on a serious note, if you're interested in her at all, she deserves the truth. Stop being selfish and let her make a rational decision based on the facts, not a lie.
     
  3. Phayzee

    Phayzee New Member

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    haha thanx :p

    yea i know i should tell her.. but I know most likely thats the end of the relationship. Then I also think fuck is it worth it to put her through that, seeing as we are already broken up and just don't get back together.
     
  4. heelfetish

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    The question remains: Do you want to get back together with her or not? If the answer is Yes, then you NEED to tell her first. Proceeding any other way is dishonest at best.

    If you don't want to get back together, then no, no need to dig up the bones of the past.

    The question to get back with her or not is the real issue here. The other part is a no-brainer. :)
     
  5. BuDzY

    BuDzY New Member

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    If you do tell her and the relationship doesn't end, it will never be forgotten...ever.
     
  6. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    You need to just tell her dude. Don't jerk this woman around...not a nice thing to do. Let's turn it around, shall we?

    Let's say she cheated on you while you were together. Would you want her to tell you now, or lie about it? Treat other people the way you'd like to be treated...with honesty, respect, and dignity.

    I do believe what goes around comes around...if you carry this lie forward, you will pay for it one day. If you just get it out and be honest, maybe you'll get rewarded for it down the road. I've always been honest (not brutally honest, I try to be gentle about it, but still honest)...just today for instance, I can sit here and see where I'm being rewarded for my gentle honesty.

    BD
     
  7. Poky

    Poky Banned

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    If you really want to be with her then you shouldn't let the age thing bother you and work things out. As BD said though, don't keep the drunken encounter from her. Be open and honest about it and she will either accept it or end it..Personally, I've been cheated on twice by two different women and it pissed me off to where I have nothing to do with them at all..I was and always will be faithful to one person and in one break-up, I still reamain true to the one because I want things to go back to being good.. I guess I am misunderstood because of the way I am for someone who doesn't know me, but I try very hard to do the best I can.. Best of luck to you in your relationship!!
     
  8. Katprr

    Katprr New Member

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    You cheated on her?!?! If you want to get back togeather with her then you need to, sorry for the bluntness,"grab ahold of your nuts and tell her".
    BD is correct, turn the table. You would want to know if she did this to you.
    If your honestly considering getting back togeather and allowing this relationship to work then be honest, upfront and commincate at all times.
    Age is only a matter of mind, if you don't mind then it doesn't matter. As long as you are two grown adults which you are.
    Also make sure you are gentle, don't be surprised though if she doesn't trust you for awhile once you both are back togeather. It will take you time to rebuild that trust and to make her feel secure in the relationship
    Best wishes!!
     
  9. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    So, you cheated on her and then broke up with her (??) because you weren't sure she was what you wanted. Uhm, I guess I'm a little confused as to why you want to get back together with her and why, indeed, you think she would she even take you back.

    How would you feel if she did to you what you did to her?
     
  10. dwj21

    dwj21 New Member

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    seriously dude, there is nothing good that is going to come from telling her you cheated on her. i would say cut your losses and not try to get back with her. the likelihood of her actually waiting on you to have children is slim. she will ge the itch soon enough and it will be splitsville again. if you tell her about cheating and get back with her you will be miserable. i would be surprised if she actually goes for getting back together at that point. if she does then you dont want her anyway because she is weak and doesn't respect herself.

    the proper thing to do is be honest with her but tell her you do not want to continue the relationship. that way you will relieve the guilt you have and also wont have to be in a relationship where there are trust issues. those are the worst kinds and for good reason.
     
  11. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Well...I don't think you can necessarily make that statement. Accepting and forgiving someone who cheated on you doesn't necessarily mean you are weak and don't respect yourself. It could mean that you are quite strong and willing to consider that the person is worth forgiving.

    I had an experience where my girlfriend at the time slept with her abusive boyfriend whom she was still living with while she was seeing me. Is that cheating? Most would say "yes", but there were extenuating circumstances around it. Was she worth the effort of putting it behind us and continuing the relationship? Absolutely yes. How did I even know it? She confessed it to me, and she did that of her own accord. Guess what? Instead of making me distrust her, her confessing it actually made me trust her more because I knew she was telling me to be honest and clear her conscience. It was important enough to her to be honest that she wanted to confess it to me. It's not a good idea to punish someone for being honest...if you do, they stop being honest. So, would she be hurt? Probably yes. Would she respect that you are being honest and eventually probably trust you more because of it? Probably yes, but that might depend on the person.

    BD
     
  12. FlirtyChick

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    If you want her back because you love her, tell her that you cheated. Let her deice.

    Forget the age difference. It is state of mind, maturity and personality that matter.

    If you don't want kids soon and she does, leave her alone.

    Just MHO!
     
  13. Phayzee

    Phayzee New Member

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    Wow... cant believe got this much ffedback.. thanx for the replies :p
    Yea the way I see it I think it's best to cut my losses.. the age thing doesn't bother me it's just the fact that we want different things at this stage in our lives, and i'm pretty sure the whole kids thing would come up again soon coz i kno deep down thats what she really wants.. and she's been cheated on before and it crushed her.. so i guess there's no need to tell her bout that if i'm not guna try n get back with her it'l just make her feel more like crap.
    Thanx for all ur help :p
     
  14. mkm

    mkm New Member

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    Hopefully you at least told her you weren't interested anymore.

    For future reference, if some event comes up again that your unsure whether or not to tell the person about, tell them anyway. If you were meant to be you would get past it. If you weren't meant to be, you would have broken up over something else. That is my opinion anyway.
     
  15. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Agreed, gentle but blatant honesty is the best policy. We either learn that the easy way or the hard way.

    BD
     
  16. cbrmale

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    I'll go against the grain and advise not to tell her about your affair, regardless of whether you plan to get together again or not. Statistically, almost half of long-term relationships (marriage or de-facto) see affairs from one or the other partner, and I'm confident that many of those affairs remain secrets.

    If you tell her, it'll make her feel bad for no particular benefit to her or you. As you are obviously wrought with guilt, I recommend that with future relationships you try your utmost to remain faithful.
     
  17. FlirtyChick

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    I agree with your last recommendation, M, but why keep the secret, live the lie? I am not criticizing, but don't you think honesty between lovers is best. Would you want your beautiful wife, whom you confess you love, to keep that secret from you? I am just interested in your thoughts and reasoning!:tup
     
  18. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Actually, based on some of CbrMale's prior posts on this, I believe the answer is "yes". I think he'd rather not tell her nor have her tell him, and vice versa. CbrMale, please confirm!

    BD
     
  19. cbrmale

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    For the reasons I posted. First, many have affairs and keep them secret. Second, what good would it achieve?

    In relationships we all have our little secrets and lies, frustations and desires. We don't ever tell all, ever.

    I know this from experience, that it is even possible to love two different people at the same time, and not have your love for either diminished by the presence of the other. Few will have such experiences in their lives, and I suspect that you may have to live it to understand it.

    I am not so hypocritical as to not respect my wife's privacy, and her desire to keep secrets from me should she so do. Indeed, she comes from a culture where privacy in a relationship is valued, and she appreciates me giving her a lot of freedom in this regard. To some extent you have to experience her mysterious culture to understand it (and African-Americans aren't even close to being similar in culture).
     
  20. FlirtyChick

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    Ok, I see. Thanks for the clarification. I am just different, and although I respect privacy,but I practice total honesty where my husband is concerned.