George Carlin's Rules for 2007

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Bella, Jan 9, 2007.

  1. Bella

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    :rofl Enjoy! ~Bella

    New Rule 1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's
    a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
    particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
    football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

    New Rule 2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
    unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
    finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
    dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

    New Rule 3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
    hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
    for these kids: lucky bastards.

    New Rule 4: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
    cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your
    idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

    New Rule 5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
    about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

    New Rule 6: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
    aisle of this crap at the supermarket... water, but without that watery
    taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
    flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That should
    be your flavored water.

    New Rule 7: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a
    redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
    is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his
    ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
    Social Security crisis.

    New Rule 8: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
    asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
    half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
    extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh,
    you're a huge asshole.

    New Rule 9: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
    my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
    deciding, "No, I don't want cash back", and pressing "Enter" again, the
    kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
    Almond Joy.

    New Rule 10: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
    doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
    translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
    spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
    spiritual. You're just high.

    New Rule 11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
    deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
    because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
    exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already
    doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

    New Rule 12: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
    M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

    New Rule 13: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
    crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
    Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
    Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
    place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

    New Rule 14: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just
    for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
    rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for
    you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

    New Rule 15: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
    attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint, as
    if I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed
    to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
    webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

    New Rule 16: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know
    in months. "27 Months?" "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
    And I didn't really care in the first place. I was attempting to be nice.
     
  2. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    New Rule 10: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
    doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
    translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
    spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
    spiritual. You're just high.


    I'm actually friends with a guy who has a Chinese characters tattoo that reads, "beef in oyster sauce." And yes, he got it done deliberately after knowing what it meant.
     
  3. Bluesy

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    :rofl :rofl :rofl

    LOVE HIM!!!
     
  4. Bella

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    Would you do something like that???
    ~Bella
     
  5. Bella

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    Me too!!! :)
    ~Bella