Gentle Letdown

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Fairy, Feb 12, 2005.

  1. Fairy

    Fairy New Member

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    How do you tell a guy that you aren't interested without hurting his feelings?

    There is a guy in one of my classes at university and we are doing a project together. Lately he has started being more "friendly", he tells me he likes what I wear and asked if I wanted to go to a movie. When he originally asked (by email) I wrote back telling him I wanted to get to know him better, but now I do know him better and he called me up today asking me what I was up to, so I made an excuse and turned him down.

    The thing is I don't see him as more than a friend. He is 29 and I'm only 20 and he just isn't my kind of guy really. I just got out of a big relationship and was hurt badly so that puts me off as well, and right now I don't really want anyone. I don't know what to say as we have to work together, does anyone have any idea what I should do to let him know I don't like him? He doesn't know me that well and so I was thinking of faking a boyfriend or something but that seems mean.
    Help please? :ugh
     
  2. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Dear Fairy,

    Your last post on your other thread gives me an idea. It seems that you and former BF had some problems. Since BF indicates that he is ready to talk again, you could explain to 29 YO date offer, that you are still trying to work out a relationship with a guy you broke up with. You could show yourself to be a good lover, by explaining that love means jealousy and fidelity. You could say, "I need to take it one guy at a time. Right now, I don't feel finished with my ex BF. I expect to resolve things in April."

    There was a thread started on flirting, and some posters made fun of the idea of a thread on flirting. For those of us in relationships, flirting is something that I try to minimize or avoid. You may want to review how the 29 YO date option is seeing you, how you might be giving him a green light.

    Maybe you could say something like, " I think it is important for a guy to be trustworthy for me. Do you think it is nice to trust a woman you like? I am trying to be trustworhty, until I see how my old BF shakes out. Sometimes fidelity means you have to pass up a guy that could be really fun. But being true is important for me."

    marriagebuilders. com has some sugestions for recovering from an affair. In a sense, you and BF are coming back together of you both had affairs. Honesty is one of the guidelines suggested. To make honesty easier, it is best to avoid doing anything you are tempted to be dishonest about. Here is a LINK to Rules for Recovery: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

    You could write to to BF, and say that trust and fidelity are important to you, and you are going to take this time to STAND by the relationship, and not date anyone else, until you and he can meet, and you can show your trustworthiness in the meantime, as a means of making up for what might have been a mistake after you came to Canada, and got lonely.

    There were a number of questions I raised on the other thread. Some questions you might wish to avoid, others you might want to re-visit.

    Blessings
     
    #2 Logger, Feb 13, 2005
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2005
  3. Fairy

    Fairy New Member

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    Thanks Logger, things got worse before they got better. He started basically "stalking" me. If I ever mentioned in passing what I was doing or where I was going he would turn up there. And it wasn't just coincidences, like he turned up at my hair salon one day!! It was beginning to get freaky so I asked a freind for advice and she told me to talk to him and tell him about ex-bf.
    So I told him similar stuff to what you suggested. The next time he asked me out, this time for dinner I basically said "I have just got out of a relationship and we ended on unclear terms and until I sort it out then I am not wanting anyone else. I want the ex to trust me, whether or not we stay together, and so I don't think I should be going out with other people at the moment." He looked kinda sad but he hasn't called me or anything since so thats good. Also was aren't working together anymore as our teacher decded no one was allowed to work in teams anymore, so thank God that happened too. He still comes up and talks to me all the time, but I jsut make my excuses and I think hes getting the hint.
    Thanks for your advice, it was much appreciated.
    :)
     
  4. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Dear Fairy,

    Glad you were able to make some of the ideas work for you. Hope things work out for you. Maybe some women should have better posts on how to handle guys coming on to you, without letting them down too hard. It is hard to argue with a person attempting to be faithful to a lover.

    Blessings