General advice needed

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by HUMBLELOVE, Oct 3, 2011.

  1. HUMBLELOVE

    HUMBLELOVE Member

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    Hey guys, looking for some god input, I just posted over at the member introductions

    Long post sorry.

    I am happily married to a great lady and have three great kids, I am 47 and the wifey is 45.
    I was recently diagnosed with borderline LOW T and have been taking T replacement.
    My libido before the meds was extremely high, now its just plain off the charts.
    My sex drive before the meds I would be happy with twice a day, I know that sounds unreal but its even worse now.

    My wife is very humble and enjoys sex but not often, once or maybe twice a month. She doesn't dress to show her legs or cleavage and I always tell her she needs to show a bit more, I think it will make her feel sexier.
    She is very self conscious.

    I cant keep my hands off of her and its driving her crazy, I have been waking up with boners to the point my balls ache and I have an incredible urge to ejaculate.
    Shes so tired in the morning that I take care of the problem myself, I feel a little weird when doing it in the bed when shes lying there, but think to myself, OK at least she knows whats going on. It gets weirder when I cum, I can be a bit loud and can't help but think shes bothered by me masturbating. But I really want her to be there when I do it.

    I get so aroused that I can cum by squeezing the head of my cock with 2 fingers and a thumb for a few minutes.

    That is why I have joined this site, to see what other folks think and looking for advice on either decreasing my libido or increasing hers Hopefully the latter.

    Aside from the increased libido, I have been trying to spice up things a bit.
    My wife is always reluctant to try anything new, but once I get her to try new things she likes it and it becomes part of our lovemaking or fucking.

    A perfect example is the magic wand, she loves when i use it on her and will use it on herself, I try to tell her its ok to use it alone, but she will not
    We have tried dildos, they don't do much for her as far as penetration.

    And it was only a few years ago we started mutual masturbation, although I get a look when I ask her where she wants me to cum, using a towel isn't as sexy as cumming on each other. She did let me cum on her tits last week (she hates that word tits), that really turned me on but not so much for her

    Anal tried it once and she said never again, I was amazed I got her to try it once. I respect the fact that this is a definite turn off for her so I don't bother her abut anal.
    When I told her I might enjoy prostate stimulation or being touched there, I got a ewww look, but what's weird about that is when shes playing with my cock shell apply hard pressure and rub under my prostrate when I'm gonna cum so she knows I like it and man do I CUM.

    Lubes and stuff, she is is so sensitive that any kind of lube irritates her badly, even mineral oil, one of our best love making events was plastic sheets and baby oil, man that was awesome, but it now irritates her delicate pussy (btw she hates that word), I have asked her give her pussy a name like kitty or some silly shit like that, frankly I love the word pussy.

    Dressing up, she has no problem wearing anything I ask her to wear, but has never expressed an interest in me wearing anything, should I bring this up?

    Games, Still working on this one, have a few card games and a board game but never have time to try them.

    Every once in a while we will have memorable sex, the other night she was so wet that it was thick, I haven't felt her that type of wet since we were dating, and she gave some incredible head as well. That's another thing she used to give me head till I came and swallowed, now its just a few minutes of head, but hell I ant complaining about that.

    Eating pussy, (yep she don't like that word either), I love given her head, she has great long silky white legs and her pussy is awesome, I went nuts in there last week (I looked like a bulldog eating mayonnaise), and when I asked her if she liked it she said yeah its OK so I said, will this get you off, she said no.
    Man I was disheartened because I thought I was doing great, working her clit and lips, and really wanted her to cum from head.

    She actually has agreed to letting me try to get her to squirt, hopefully we can pull it off, we almost had it a couple of times and she stopped because she thought she was gonna pee, I told her that's OK don't fight that urge its supposed to feel like that.

    I have also been looking into getting a sex swing, sometimes sex can be painful, she has trouble spreading because of her hips, she pulled something in there a few years ago and is only now going to get it checked out.
    Anyhow I have a bit of arthritis in my lower back I cant hold a position or thrust too much in these positions and when I do, she ends up in pain.
    Plus she has a tipped uterus and my member has a huge curve in it.

    We are both about 20 pounds overweight so I tried selling her on the love swing, she got a little freaked out, I tried to tell her its more of a tool than an erotic toy, I think she relates the swing to bondage. My member is barely 6" on his best day, and I do have a bit of a belly, that with the arthritis and her hips... I think this would really help us.

    I am looking into getting vibe panties or a wireless insertable egg that we can go out to dinner and I can work her up, I may be able to pull this off because I mentioned to her about my fantasy of getting dressed up and go out for dinner and have her go to the ladies room, remove her panties and come back to the table sit next to me and hand me her panties and grin.

    Alcohol, I can not get her to touch it, I tried last weekend chilled some wine and she said no way.

    I love my wife immensely and thinks shes sexy as hell, she says the same about me but wonder if she is being polite.
    I tell her this often. I tell her she's my best friend, extremely hot and how lucky I am to have met her.
    When we get dressed up and go to a social function, I look around and look at my wife and think how lucky I am.
    I have a lot of my fantasies about my wife, not to say I don't fantasize about other women, but many are of my wife.

    Our sex is great and when she's really into it,... it's mind blowing

    If she ever finds out I wrote this I am finished!

    I believe a lot of times people build up stuff in their heads and the thought of the act is sometimes more erotic than the actual act itself.
    I don't know for sure if its just the thought of taking a bite of the forbidden fruit, but hell I WANT THE CHOICE TO TAKE A BITE, A HUGE BITE.


    Thanks for listening.
     
  2. pbs

    pbs
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    Hello Humble, and welcome to the forum, and to the club (of guys who wish their ladies wanted sex as much as we do). There are many here who are in a similar boat to yours.

    I'm sure others will chime in, but I think your best chance for success would be to try to temper your own desire with masturbation, while making hers as good for her as you can by learning how to make her WANT to cum. I've always believed that if you treat the right woman like a queen, she will treat you like a king. It's worked in my marriage, with some help from a few compromises, and we've arrived at a point where we're both very happy. Don't make her feel guilty or inadequate about the sexual appetite differences, but do make her feel good about when you connect. If you want more desire and passion from her, then make her desire you more and cultivate her passions - all of them. Learning how to do this can take a lifetime, but when you get there, it can be heaven.

    Good luck
     
  3. HUMBLELOVE

    HUMBLELOVE Member

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    pbs thanks for the advise.
    I have no way to temper my desires but can curb my masturbation a tad
    I would be happy just giving her pleasure, actually when we fool around I try to make it about her and ask what she desires.

    I believe most of the problem is stress, she's stressed about the laundry, so I help with the laundry, shes stressed about the bedroom being a mess, so I clean the bedroom.
    Shes stressed about the kitchen so I install a new kitchen, stressed about the bathroom so I install a new bathroom.
    The woman is stressed at nearly everything from making a sandwich to going out for dinner.
    As far as the guilt goes, yes she does feel guilty about having sex infrequently, but that's because she knows how much I desire her and she doesn't reciprocate.
    It's enough to ruin a mans self esteem feeling rejected on a daily basis.

    I think having sex once maybe two times a month is not enough in anybody's book.
    I know its not the quantity but rather the quality, but 2 times a month...too long in my book.

    Her self esteem is also low and I have tried for years to help her build up self esteem, every now and then she will let go and really enjoy a night of love making.

    Desire more, hmmm thats a tough one, we do talk about this often and while she admits to being in the mood quite often, she looses the mood rather quickly. Makes a man think, is she screwing someone else, am I a turn off, does she not enjoy sex, would she rather be with a woman. Although I am not insecure enough to believe any of these it does bring up a question, "why the lack of interest in sex"?
     
  4. pbs

    pbs
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    Sounds like she's pretty hyper and may need to learn how to relax. Have you ever tried drink or even smoke to get her mind off of things? Prescription anti anxiety drugs tend to kill sex drive, so I wouldn't go that route, but a bottle of wine or the like might help. I once read the "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom" book, and it gave me some insight into how a woman thinks. Have you ever taken her to a romantic (in her view) vacation spot?
     
  5. HUMBLELOVE

    HUMBLELOVE Member

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    No, i covered this in the OP, Alcohol, I can not get her to touch it, I tried last weekend chilled some wine and she said no way.
    Its funny but when we met she was a big partier.
    Vacation is out for now and I was hoping to get her out of this funk, long term rather than for the short haul.
    I think the key is in what you say getting her to relax and maybe loosen up a bit... just too much damn stress.
    Over the last few years she has been getting very short fused and snippy!
     
  6. pbs

    pbs
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    Maybe the gap between your libido and hers is causing her to feel uncomfortable, and she's just expressing it via stress and a short fuse. One of the most used words here is communication, and it may help here. If you both can be open and honest with each other, without fear of being judged, maybe you can find common ground.

    If you're driving her crazy with your persistence, and she's going crazy, you both may be ready to try counseling. Try asking her if she's truly happy.
     
  7. RideNaked

    RideNaked New Member

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    Welcome to the forums! First, I'd like to suggest that you might NOT want to masturbate in bed while she's right there. You said, "...at least she knows what's going on." This, to me, seems like giving her a guilt trip, even though you might not intend to be doing that at all. Every time you do that, she has to lie there and listen, and think about how inadequate she is. Just my 2 cents on that one.

    While you said a vacation is not in the cards right now, how about a "staycation?" If you still have kids at home, loan them out for the weekend, plan some romance, breakfast in bed, etc. Plan together, do the stuff together, just to be close. Don't try to make it a sex weekend, and don't think you have to do all the work. Whipping up a nice breakfast in a sexy teddy and heart covered boxers can be fun...

    T
     
  8. hubbywubby

    hubbywubby New Member

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    Dude I feel bad for you.... Its like you have a new Truck filled with gas but your wife doesn't like driving.... Sometimes you just have to go for a drive yourself...Maybe ask her to go on some small trips a bit.... You went from a Kia to a Ford F250 Harley addition desiel...Theres a big difference and maybe its wigging her out.. I would find a way to get her into a bigger car... Talk to your doctor maybe they can give her something to help Rev her up a bit... Good luck
     
  9. HUMBLELOVE

    HUMBLELOVE Member

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    Thanks for all the replies and listening to me whine, you guys are great!

    Before I go any further I wanted to apologize for my original post being aimed at just sex, it's much deeper than that and the more I reread it, it just sounds flat out selfish.

    I have been trying to take her out every other week, her choice to go wherever she wants, I even mentioned dancing, and lord I hate dancing.

    What I have realized from being on this site is that the type of people on this site are much more in touch with their sexuality than someone who would not ever visit a site like this... their loss.

    Satisfying my needs when she’s in bed with me…
    , this we have discussed and while she says she don’t mind, you may be right on that.

    Maybe the gap between your libido and hers is causing her to feel uncomfortable, and she's just expressing it via stress and a short fuse. I have to agree partially with this, I know she feels guilty that we don’t make love as much as I would like, but I think she cant handle stress.

    One of the most used words here is communication. This is where I have to slightly disagree. I used to believe this whole heartedly until the past few years.
    No matter how the topic is brought up it always ends badly.
    When I say topic I don’t mean Just Sex, I also mean spending time together whether its dinner, taking a walk a movie, sitting in the basement talking, etc..…

    An example of what I am talking about is I have been trying to get her to look over some literature on a sex swing for nearly 3 weeks. All I have been asking her is for us to go to bed at a respectable time and discuss if this is a good idea or not, basically I want her approval and if she’s not into trying it I wont bother her.
    She insists I am unhappy with her and I consistently tell her, no your wonderful.
    Then it ends with why do we need that, or something to that effect. I explain why I think it’s a good idea and tell her if she don’t want to get a swing no problem, I’ll stop asking and the conversation stops, but she never says no.


    The more open I am, the more I bury myself, I discussed with her last night about please let me know if something is bothering you and most of the time I get an answer like "I don’t know what’s bothering me".
    I’ll ask her if she’s depressed, did I do something wrong are you unhappy, are you still attracted to me?
    She’ll then turn around and say to me, "you must be unhappy if you keep asking me if I am unhappy" (please no Freudian stuff on that last statement).

    I tried using a metaphor and not sure how she took it.
    When she said to me, "you must be unhappy", I said “no I just want my wife back”
    I continued to tell her nothings broke and doesn’t need to be fixed, I just want to freshen things up a bit, here’s where the metaphor comes into play, I said something to the effect of having a comfortable room in the house and while we like the room sprucing up the room a bit would be nice.

    Then I said,
    “I don’t want to co exist I want us to glance at each other and think how lucky we are to have each other and to feel passion when our eyes meet, I have seen too many marriages become stagnant and never want that to happen to us.”
    I know it sounds corny but that’s how much I love my wife.


    My parents are in their late 70’s and they are still extremely affectionate…as far as the sex goes I am trying to block it out of my mind before it becomes a visual thing.

    In conversation last night she said, "I just can’t turn it off like you", then she proceeds to tell me that I worry about College, the house being a mess, work.
    I said, "yeah like the same way I am thinking about where to get the money for college, finish the fence started in the back yard, the pavers need to be finished, the sink is clogged, remove the retaining wall that is falling down, who’s gonna call out of work in the morning, getting my truck fixed, I feel the same way but I don’t let it get in the way of our relationship", then she replies, "well I can’t turn it off like you".


    I still am laughing about what she said to me last night.
    “I was pissed that you asked me to have some wine when I told you I don’t like to drink”.
    My jaw hit the ground and I lost it, I said, “you gotta be fucking kidding me…for the last two weeks you kept telling me how you could go for a glass of wine and just relax".
    Yep I said that, but I think it’s the only thing I said that had an impact.

    I know we are wired differently but the woman worries about shit before it even happens.

    I have no way to remove the stressors in her life and no way to help her deal with it either, believe me I have been trying! I guess I can give my self some advice and just say “Deal with it”

    So I guess I am fucked (and not literally) because there will always be stressors’ in our life.

    I would love if she was up to see a marriage counselor, while I don’t believe our marriage is in any immediate danger, I feel it may get worse.

    I told her this morning that when you are ready we will talk, no pressure.

    She is not menopausal either.


    I am actually getting tired of hearing myself whine.
     
    #9 HUMBLELOVE, Oct 4, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2011
  10. almostthere

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    Humble
    I know I've said this and this goes to prove an interesting fact. Most woman go thru shit us guys could only imagine. I compalin about my wife not being as sexual as me and not wanting this and that, her too worrying about dumb shit way before it ever happens. But in the end she's my best friend. She still turns me on more than when we meet 30, yes Thirty!years ago. I was with a guy on a job last week who's about 55. I jokinly mentioned not getting any,which ain't true, and he said in his deep southern accent, boy when she gaets past the kid shit and changes she's going to be the horniest woman u eva meet.
    hang in there bro
     
  11. almostthere

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    Oh and btw, my wife went away with the girls this weekend and I rolled her a couple. They all enjoyed and she likes it more than wine. Give her some time she will come around.
     
  12. pbs

    pbs
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    I could be wrong, but it sounds like there is an underlying issue that's not out in the open. What you've discussed sounds more like symptoms rather than issues, which need to be addressed.
     
  13. ranger12

    ranger12 New Member

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  14. lbushwalker

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    Methinks there could be a tad of depression involved.
     
  15. HUMBLELOVE

    HUMBLELOVE Member

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    Thanks again everyone
    Ranger I will check out that book, but am a bit worried about mingling God with sex, my wife has a strong catholic faith and is having a hard time exploring new things as it is.
    Something simple as fooling around in a car she says makes her feel like a slut.
    It took me years to get her to play with her self.

    She caught me pleasuring myself many years ago and she wouldn't talk to me for days, she just said your disgusting, anything outside of routine sex guilts the hell out of her.
    She doesn't even care too much for getting head, she says she feels dirty down there and really don't want my head down there... this has gotten better.

    Actually its taken many years but she is willing to play with herself until orgasm, with me there of course. She will do 69, but she only likes it to see me get all hot and bothered, she gets mental pleasure not physical pleasure.

    We have used dildos, them vibrating cock/clit rings and the magic wand, the last two I mentioned she loves, anything with high rpms on her clit and she orgasms a lot. The dildos are a waste for her, even the rabbit
    But as mentioned earlier these are rare events, its usually some foreplay (my favorite part, usually 20 or 30 minutes) then I magic wand her for 4 or 5 orgasms, have sex then I cum (i usually last 5 minutes) and ask if shes up for another round of the magic wand, if shes not too sore she will comply and get off maybe once or twice more

    She also hates porn.

    The following is a review from the book that does peek my interest;

    Women don't need sex to maintain their equilibrium like men do, but that's no reason for us to ignore their needs. She addresses it well in a conversation with a friend in which she asks what the friend's favorite things to do are. The friend responds with shopping and scrapbooking. Taviano asks her how often she would get to do those things if she could only do them with her husband. The friend answered "not very often, that's why I do them with my friends." But Taviano explains that sex is one of our husbands' favorite things to do, and they can only do it with us. Is it fair to not give them that opportunity? While many women (me included), use the excuse that if he was more understanding, sympathetic, helpful, etc., he'd get more, Taviano points out that we're going about it all the wrong way! Sex for men is a need, for most women it doesn't even register on their radar, but when a man's needs are being met, he's more likely to meet his wife's needs for cuddling, help around the house, and a sympathetic ear.



    PBS I have to agree, and I worry the underlying issue is any or all of the following, depression as ibushwalker states, being self conscious of her body and/or performance in bed, Guilt (catholic upbringing)

    Not sure what to do our Marriage is great, we are extremely compatible and get a long great, its only the intimacy part. Not sure if a Marriage counselor is good for lack of intimacy.

    I read some of the posts from other folks on here and start thinking of it with my wife and get an immediate boner, but I am a realist and realize that the good folks on this forum are open with their sex and my wife isn't at that level yet.
    Noticed I said yet, YEP I am trying to be optimistic.

    Hopefully we can get past all of this and some of my future post will be like,
    "Hey my wife wants to fuck in a dresser room. got any tips."
    Or
    "My wife said she wants her ass fucked then fuck mine, advice needed" lol

    I crack myself up, I know that will never happen but its nice to dream.


    Thanks for taking the time to listen to me whine.
     
  16. HUMBLELOVE

    HUMBLELOVE Member

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    OMG I pray for the day, thanks for the cheering up.