Gave into hubbys 3sum requests turned sour!!

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by vjd01, Dec 18, 2007.

  1. vjd01

    vjd01 New Member

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    For the past couple of months my husband has kept going on about a threesome another male (his friend) To be honest it has always turned me on the thought of it but never went ahead to to me thinking hubby may get jeolous
    Well 2 weeks ago when the hatton fight was on we had all had a drink and hubby kept sugesting it next thing i knew we were all in bed having red hot sex it was great. Onlt problem is the next morning nmy hubby hasnt really spoken to me know for over a week and when hes in a bad mood he calls me things like a whore and a slag and hates me. What did i do wrong??
     
  2. Joe

    Joe
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    That's too bad. Not uncommon, but a shame just the same.

    You'll often see suggestions on this board to avoid 3somes with friends and to talk over the idea in depth with your partner before taking action. I've never done it (with partner and 3rd person), but my wife did with her previous husband. It strained the marriage and ended the friendship.

    My late wife also did the swap thing, over her objections I was told. They met up with another couple through an ad. She had sex with the guy, but her husband decided he didn't want the other gal (once he saw her). It put so much stress on their relationship that it ended shortly thereafter.

    I feel for ya, girl. Guys always think it would be so hot, but once they see their partner with another guy.... I hope he soon realizes that HE wanted this, and that he should shoulder most of the blame himself. When he's willing to talk to you, you two need to have a heart-to-heart. Who knows? It might make your relationship stronger in the end. Good luck!
     
  3. Barbwire

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    I am very sorry about what happened and I wish I could offer you some advice. My husband and I have talked about a 3-some, but mostly just to verbalize our fantasies. Instead of finding another man to make it a reality, we use toys to play "pretend". It is a safe alternative to getting into the same mess you now find yourself in.

    Some fantasies are best left just as that fantasy, and I hope people reading about what happened in your case will learn from it. Best of luck to you.
     
  4. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    To be honest, your husband sounded like a real jerk when he didn't help you out with your pervert father in law. If it were me, I'd tell this guy to fuck off.
     
  5. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Halogen - you are a FABULOUS! I totally did not connect the "Father-in-Law" thread with this poster. :tup
    --------------
    vjd01-
    #1 - "What did i do wrong?" Nothing
    Hun, I sense a man who is looking for a reason to disrespect you. It didn't come easily, so he wooed you into a "menage e'toi" (sorry for the spelling) - - why? So he could degrade you into his command.

    Personally, I don't like the way this is playing out. I know you're married, hun, but sometimes you HAVE to protect yourself from a lifetime of hell. This may be one of those times.

    As has been posted in numerous threads here on :sf, the thought of a threesome is quite a turnon.... but to actually DO it takes a very strong relationship - something that (from past posts) doesn't appear to be your case.

    I'm so sorry that you chose to follow your husband's request, only to find that HE couldn't really handle it. But YOU, my dear, did nothing wrong. You were attempting to appease your husband's fantasy. Problem is, he doesn't know what he wants... and has chosen to blame YOU for his mis-direction.

    Seems like a pattern of emotional abuse, which will continue, until you decide you are worth more than what he thinks of you. My heart goes out to you. If you are seeking our un-professional, but street-wise advice - find the strength within yourself to cut your losses, and leave this miserable excuse for a 'man'. It will be the absolute hardest you'll ever do in your life - but the most rewarding thing you'll ever do for your life.
     
  6. Barbwire

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    Halogen, thanks for jogging my memory. I agree 100% with what both you and Rose have said. This marriage is getting blacker and blacker, I fear.
     
  7. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    First you did not do anything wrong. Threesomes are not for everyone. They can be very fulfilling or they can be very destructive. Much of it depends on the people involved, the amount of planning and communication involved. Even with meticulous planning threesomes can go bad very quickly. For a threesome to have a chance at success the couple at a minimum needs to do the following:

    • resolving any outstanding relationship issues (e.g. jealousy, anger, control, power struggles, or any other issues that may adversely impact a threesome)
    • talking about the threesome
    • what ifs
    • contingency planning
    • building up the relationship
    • setting boundaries
    • exploring the reason for wanting a threesome
    • ensuring that there is enough communication so that any issue can be addressed immediately
    • talking about the type of person you are interested in inviting
    • negotiating over the above
    • reaching a decision
    Instead of taking time to plan couples envision a night of steamy sex that fulfills every sexual desire only to find out after it happened that the fantasy is much different than the reality. They also think that mentioning the idea during foreplay or as a part of a conversation is sufficient approval to find a third person to join them. Only to find out afterwards that the threesome more issues for them.

    It is my feeling issue lies in communication between the two of you. What I mean is that your husband talked about the idea, the idea aroused you but the two of you never discussed what was involved with the idea. So instead of talking through the issues, setting boundaries, and doing some planning the two of you went into it blindy expecting that it would be like your fantasy. Instead you found out like many other couples that the realities of a threesome is much more different that a threesome as a fantasy.

    In addition to the two of you not talking about having a threesome it is my belief the fact that he was drinking did not help matters. Drinking in a threesome situation can help as a social lubricant if done in moderation but done beyond moderation can serve as a catalyst for such a situation.

    My gut feeling on this tells me that he was not emotionally ready to see you having sex with his friend and probably was not prepared to see you enjoying it (a common reaction for males in a threesome situation). The alcohol gave him the 'courage' to push the limit beyond what he would have if he was not drinking and and because the threesome happened he is feeling guilt. I suspect the guilt in part is tied to his drinking, he may have wrongly expected you to say 'no' thereby acting as safety net to his stupidity, and he may be feeling some anger towards his friend due to the fact he slept with you.

    In any event I would no blame yourself. Best thing to do is take some time when the two of you are distracted. Talk about what happened in a calm, rational manner like adults, and try to resolve what happened. By talking about it hopefully it will help to build up your relationship and resolve what happened.
     
  8. kak0801

    kak0801 New Member

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    Your hubby may have wanted a 3way, but may not have been ready for the emotions that came with it.

    The thought of a 3some turned him on, but after it happened, he may have had feeling he did not expect.

    My wife and I have had several 3ways with other guys, and it can bring out feeling that are not expected.

    You did not do anything wrong. Both of you agreed to have a threeway, right?
     
  9. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Man...I went back and read the thread Halogen mentioned. I usually find some good in just about everyone, but it sure sounds like your husband is a total friggin' loser. Maybe you should seriously think about if this is the person you really want to grow old with, eh? If it's not, cut your losses now (especially before you end up having kids). Given the father-in-law's behavior (sounds like a very sexist mindset with no respect for women, and you have to consider that this is what your husband grew up with, his "relationship training" per se), your hubby's reaction to your alarm about the FIL's spying, and now this (pressures you into something but doesn't know what he actually wants, can't anticipate how he'll feel about something, seems to blame you for decisions he made, manipulation through verbal abuse, etc)...I have to wonder if you're living with a potential wife-beater there, sweetheart. Maybe I'm "over-reacting" :ugh but I'd say try to err on the side of caution. It's really easy for true verbal abuse to grow into physical abuse, and no one should have to live with that.

    To put this as eloquently as I can, it sure sounds like you should run (not walk) away from this loser and never look back.

    BD
     
    #9 BassDude, Dec 25, 2007
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2007
  10. ctown75

    ctown75 New Member

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    When you go to a North American swingers club the first thing they have you sit through is an orientation and they say'IF YOU ARE HAVING ANY RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR YOU "I think everybody should go to a club first before you dive right in.
    My wife and I are both very jealous so we do not swing,only go to watch and be watched
     
  11. Dreama

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    Wow. Thanks for being with us to connect the dots, Halogen. Your husband does not sound like a very nice guy. I'd think about either ending the marriage or finding some sort of counseling.
     
  12. Goldenlion

    Goldenlion Banned

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    vjd01, listen to me very carefully.
    Everybody else dont be so harsh to judge the husband.

    Although i havent had a 3some, my girlfriend kissed another girl infront of me about 7 months ago.
    Now its not something i've spoken to her about or even wanted her to do, it was during a party.
    Anyway the idea of 2 girls kissing is very very hot. And thinking about it my girlfriend kissin another girl sounds hot too.

    But when i saw it, it was a totally different ballgame.
    I felt she kissed the girl for all her own reasons and not to turn me on.
    She went at it 120%, felt like she got more out of it then kissing me and it was asif she kissed another guy it hurt so much.

    So i think your husband may see it like that, that someone has taken a part of you away, he feels hurt and feels that you did it for just your own benefit/pleasure and not his and your own.

    If my girlfriend looked at me while she was kissing the girl or looked at me right after, i think it would of made a huge difference, the fact she didnt bother with me for a good couple of mins really hurt.

    So if this other guy is fucking you and your not looking at ur husband and making out this is all for you & him then i guess it would hurt his feelings.
    If you enjoyed the sex and showed it fully without considering him then aye he sees it that way. I think you two really need to have a good talk and try sort eachothers emotions out.

    Communication will get you back on track if you love for eachother is strong enough. Good luck.
     
  13. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    What? Did you miss the part where this piece of crap previously let his dad spy on her while she changed? Did you also miss the part where, in THIS post, she says he's been either giving her the silent treatment or calling her a whore after she went through with one of his fantasies? Yeah, no. I'm not going to "reserve judgement" on this abusive son of a bitch. I don't care if he didn't think his little fantasy through, no one has a right to be verbally abused. This guy already has a track record for being a loser, and this just proves it.
     
  14. vter

    vter New Member

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    I think that if you are married, only bad things can come out of a 3some. But thats just me...
     
  15. Goldenlion

    Goldenlion Banned

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    Yeah i missed the part about the spying thing.
    That is a little nasty.
    As for giving her silent treatment and calling her a whore is from my reasons stated, he's upset & gutted because instead of being a fantasy it ended up him having to watch his wife having sex with somebody else.

    Im not condoning his actions, im explain why he's pissed off.
     
  16. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    So what have we learned from all this?

    I guess if your partner really wants you to do something, and begs and pleads for you to do it, you should refuse. If you do agree to do it, then whatever you do, DON'T ENJOY IT because if you do he or she might end up losing all respect for you. :shrug
     
  17. Dreama

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    If you want someone to do something, and they do it, I don't think they should be put through hell for that. If they don't do something in exactly the fashion you had in mind, whose fault is it for having the expectation? It is not her problem one bit, and her husband should stop being such an asshole for that. I mean, she actually tried to please her husband, and he didn't care about that, so I'd be really upset if I were her; I mean, sacrificing my dignity and putting aside my inhibitions, just to make the man happy and he doesn't even appreciate it. He's totally not worth it.
     
  18. slamd097

    slamd097 New Member

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    Solution: Just kick both the father in law and the hubby in the balls. I mean like in the hospital kick. then when they are laying there, make sure the charts say to castrate the both of them. He needs to grow up, seriously. His idea= his guilt. He needs to accept the fact that it happened, and that you are also kinda in limbo with everything. I am sorry if I am being blunt, but after reading the other thread, and then reading this, Counceling and time will heal this if he ever grows up. If not, Move on to a better man.
     
  19. eighthalf

    eighthalf Member

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    vjd01:
    If you do not have kids yet then for gods sake kill the relationship now!

    Trust your instainxts and by the sounds of it you really need to cut loose now.
    If you decide you just have to keep him, then get him a girl and then you two will be even.
     
  20. FlirtyChick

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    Well friggin said, my lady! What an ass! Any man who calls his wife a whore for fulfilling HIS fantasies, whether she enjoyed it or not needs to be thrown out of the house. Especially given the history here.