G/F Is Ruining Her Health...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Fliteskates, Jan 28, 2008.

  1. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I am looking for some advice on how to handle a really bad situation with my g/f... it is eating at me more and more each day. This is going to be long... but I need to get it out before I lose it.

    I have talked to alot of people close to me about this.. and my mom whoose advice I always take to heart and have been trying to do what she says, doesn't even seem to be working.

    Last year.. a few days after Tgiving (06) my g/f had the local sheriff visit her and put her in jail... long story short we where both in shock. She spent about 12 hours in jail.. was treated like shit... locked up with hookers and crack addicts, etc.

    It turns out someone stole her identity and committed fraud 4 years before and there was a warrant out for her arrest. When she didn't show for her court date several times an arrest order was issued.

    The woman used a fake address so my g/f was never notified of any of this... then the authorities must of tracked down my g/f old address and issued a summons. Someone at her old address accepted the summons (it is a totally insane law) and she was considered served.

    So after four years of this going on without her knowing, and not being able to appear in court to defend herself - they tracked her down and arrested her.

    It took several months, but things where finally straightened out.

    The whole ordeal really killed her self-esteem...

    Since then my g/f has changed alot... she stopped working out and she eats too much crap.

    My mom told me to let her get back to things in her own time... but it has been well over a year and she seems to have no desire to workout or eat well.

    I'm worried about her health, but I don't know what to do.

    I have picked up the intensity of my workouts and gotten into the best shape of my life... I eat really well... no crap except for a treat here and there... I was hoping to set an example and encourage her to follow.

    But it isn't working.

    I've sat her down and explained how much it hurts to see her not taking care of herself anymore... she cried and promised to get back to it. She gave up after a week or so...

    So then a month or so later, I wrote her a sincere letter about how much her health meant to me... I had hoped seeing the letter and the words would make her see how much it hurt me... but it didn't work///

    It is so frustrating because I don't want to be one of those guys who tells my g/f what to do... "eat this" .. "go to the gym" ... etc

    This past weekend was so bad... everytime we went out she ordered nachos, gravy cheese fries, ice cream, big mac with fries, pizza... pop...

    I'm at the point I don't feel like going out anymore because it just seems to ruin her health and add to the problem.

    Where do I draw the line and not become a controlling boyfriend? I don't know what approach to take anymore...

    I am out of ideas... I'm so frustrated and upset about this...
     
  2. Barbwire

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    That was a very well written post, FS. Thank you for showing us a very personal part of yourself. Kudos to you.

    Your girlfriend sounds like she's eating out of stress. I do it myself, so I know. I've also let myself go down the shitter and am trying to find the motivation to start working out again.

    I don't know what to tell your g/f about losing weight, but I can tell her this, she has one heck of a b/f. Your posts here show your passion, but they also show you are a man that is open-hearted and true. She's a lucky woman to have you.
     
  3. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    Thanks for the compliments CL. It really is appreciated (but my mom is the one who raised me to treat women so well, so I don't know any other way)

    You are right about the stress. Her job stresses her out... which is even more reason why she needs to exercise and eat well.

    I made this post beause this past weekend was just so bad... with the food she ate... and...

    We are going to Barbados this Friday, and my g/f was complaining that her shorts don't fit anymore... she hates how she looks in her new bikini... and so she bought some coverup-wrap thing to wear over her bikini.

    It isn't like the Barbados trip came out of nowhere...

    I obviously wanted to say.. "ummm, hun you knew we where going to Barbados since July... you had more than enough time to get back into shape."

    But I just told her she still looks sexy to me (which is the truth).

    A few weeks back she was trying on bikinis and I picked out this really sexy one... she tried it on.. and came out of the dressing room and said "Im too fat for that"

    She didn't even let me see her in it...

    So I just grabbed her hand and kissed her and told her she was still sexy... she got a tear in her eye and said "thank you baby". But I knew she still felt badly and was hurting... so its like my words can't really help anymore. That hurts - alot.

    I know she is really unhappy, but I don't know what to do anymore. She is only about 10-15 lbs overweight now... and I just think she needs to stop herself now before it gets out of control.

    I even watch "The Biggest Loser" on tv with her... hoping it will get her motivated. (Now that's love)

    I wish I could workout for her.. eat for her... I would gladly take that weight on my shoulders if it was possible. I would workout 4x a day if it would make her healthy and happy again... it hurts so badly to just have to sit on the sidelines and hope she finds the motivation to get back into shape and take care of herself again.

    It is depressing me to the point that I don't feel like doing stuff anymore... I don't feel like working out.. playing hockey... anything.. I wanted to throw my skates and gear away this weekend when I got hurt in a game... and I never used to feel that way.. I love the game with a passion...

    But I can't enjoy anything anymore because my g/f is unahppy and her health is going to hell... and I can't do a damn thing about it.
     
  4. Joe

    Joe
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    "nachos, gravy cheese fries, ice cream, big mac with fries, pizza... pop... "

    MMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... Sounds like my kind of diet. :drool


    I don't think you can force your partner to make changes she's not ready to make. You are concerned and she knows it. When (or if) she decides to change, support her in every way you can. Until then I wouldn't push the issue too hard. She's more apt to dig her heels in and resent you for trying to force your way of life onto her. I'd suggest that you continue your healthy lifestyle, and chances are good she'll join you with it eventually. If not, that's her choice and you should accept it. JMHO

    I was dating a woman a decade ago who wanted to "save" me. No junk food. No smokes. The list went on and on. She happened to be a "born again Christian" and thought I was going straight to hell if I didn't believe everything in the bible was simple fact. (God made the world in 6 days, etc.) Her intentions were good, but it drove me away from her in short order.
     
  5. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    Lol believe me, I want to eat that stuff to - I just discipline myself.

    I eat junk here and there, it isn't like I deny myself or my healthy lifestyle would never work.

    The irony is when I started to date my g/f I was in bad shape (10+lbs overweight), but I was trying to overcome the loss of my brother... so I stopped working out and was eating shitty.

    We started dating maybe 6 months after I lost my bro.... and since we where friends before, she knew I was a health nut. So she kept telling me not to eat this or that.. to go workout.. etc.

    She kept pushing me to get back into shape and be healthy again.. and I loved her for that.... she motivated me... she was the reason I became so healthy again.

    But now its like I can't do those same things for her... if I push her... she will get pissed off...

    It doesn't seem fair that she could say stuff like that to me... but the other side of the coin isn't ok for me to do it to her... know what I mean?

    But that is the way it is - she isn't me.. I can't expect her to react how I did.
     
  6. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    As much as it may hurt you the reality is the only person you can change is yourself, no one else. If she wants to change that is her choice, not yours. Pleading with her is in the end is not going to change anything. The hardest thing to do is to accept someone for who they are and not what you want them to be.

    In my honest opinion do not believe that the incident with her identity being stolen and her changes in dietary habits are necessarily related. My hunch based on your posting is that there is a deeper relationship issue that needs to be examined. It may come down to you having to decide between accepting her for who she is and leaving her.
     
  7. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    She is anal about keeping things in order...

    If I fold her clothes the wrong way she gets mad...

    If I don't do the bed after I get up, she gets mad...

    If I don't close the medicine cabinet before I go to bed.. she gets mad...

    These are just a few of the things about her personality I accepted. I do annoying things and am far from perfect... there are always going to be personality conflicts in a relationship.

    If you love someone you accept how they are and don't try to change those aspects of their personality.

    I love her and accepted those things long ago... in fact I haven't even thought about them for so long now, until i just typed them out.

    I close the cabinet, I make the bed, etc.. because it makes her happy and it takes only a few mins to do these things.

    However - when someone I love is ruining her health... it isn't something I can accept. It is truly bothering me and I just want her to get healthy again - without me acting stupid and issuing an ultimatum like she starts working out or it's over.

    I love her deeply and I am not going to leave her

    Since I went through my own hard time and let my health go, I know the two are related.

    She was a workout demon before the whole ordeal and she took very good care of her health.

    The problem now is that while the identity thing isn't still affecting her, she let her health slip for too long.. and now everytime she starts back it is a major hurdle to get back into shape... so she just seems to give up.
     
  8. Dreama

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    First, I feel for you and your girlfriend. I've been in your girlfriend's shoes, and you and I both know it isn't a happy place. A little while ago, I decided to take on a vegan diet. First, it's awesome, I'm never hungry, and I feel GREAT. I almost always have to drag myself to do any exercise (except swimming, which I can't always do enough)....This morning, for the first time in so long, I actually got up and ran....I had so much energy, I had to. I don't know if this is something I'll do forever. I can definitely see myself being vegetarian forever, but I feel that being vegan has allowed me to become more aware about what I'm putting into my body, always having to check labels for the ingredients to everything. But, I am overweight, and I can tell you that this is the kind of change that was right for me, and I had to make the decision myself. My husband went through the same thing your going through now. Before this, he was very worried about my health, and I'm not just 10-15lbs overweight, hun. I'm about 30 lbs overweight, and my hubby dated me through the gain, sadness, depression, insecurity, and was frustrated. I appreciated his concern and support, and it helped me make my way out of the funk I was in. I've still got a long way to go, but I'm on my way out. I think all she needs is time. If she was the type to be motivated about being fit in the first place, she will most likely start when she's too tired of being depressed, like me. Give her your love and support.

    I am so absolutely happy that your such a good guy. With you, she can't go wrong. You're doing great, and your helping her whether you know it or not.
     
  9. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    FliteSkates, Have you taken Her to the doctor and gotten her
    something for the anxiety,
    I am a worrier myself and could ruin me if I let it, But I take 1/2 of a Xanax
    daily and it keeps me in working order so I can control myself.
    Although over eating and lack of exercise has never been a problem
    as I am much to health conscious, Just that I would never sleep right
    so therefore i would be irritable and tired all the time if it wasn't
    for that 1/2 a pill daily.

    Hiker
     
  10. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    Dreama,

    I am being as supportive as I can, no doubt. Just it is well over a year now so I am starting to worry she may never find the willpower to get back to her old healthy lifestyle.

    The longer she lets this go - the harder and harder it will become.. especially if she gains 25, 30, even 50 lbs more.

    She can't continue with this lifestyle and not have adverse health risks.

    How do you think I should handle this? If you where my g/f how would you want me to encourage you to eat well, get back to the gym - without nagging, giving ultimatums, etc.

    I am out of ideas and that is basically why I wrote my initial post.

    I don't say much about what she eats.. I'll make a reference here and there about how bad some of the stuff she eats is... but I won't flat out say "hun, you shouldn't be eating that"

    The fact is she knows it is bad for her - so why even bother to keep telling her, you know?

    Her work has a gym - so I make suggestions that she should run on the treadmill at lunch... or after work.. etc.

    Then she makes excuses like she forgot her running shoes or workout clothes... so I put them in a bag and hand them to her before she leaves for work... then she finds other excuses... it's very frustrating (I think I've said that a dozen times now)

    I even offer to walk with her after work.. to go rollerblading... etc

    Sometimes she will go, other times she won't. There is just no consistency... she won't stick to anything for more than 3-4 days.. then she stops for 2-3 weeks...

    Hiker,

    It really isn't anxiety as much as it is she doesn't want to discipline herself to workout each day and eat well anymore.. she even said "I'm too lazy to do this stuff anymore"

    That is a crushing thing to hear from the woman you love...

    She just has let herself get so badly out of shape... that it really is like this monumental task for her to get back into the swing of things.

    You have to fight through alot in the beggining - I know, I've been there - but she doesn't seem to have any fight in her.

    ...it is like she has given up.

    I truly thought going to Barbados would motivate her to get back into shape, get her beach body back, etc.

    But it didn't.... and that is why I got so depressed this past weekend.... it finally hit me you know?

    If my talks, my letter, and even going to Barbados and not fitting into her old bikini motivated her... I mean... what the hell will?

    It just feels hopeless now... there is nothing left I can do... no motivation I can give her... it just hurts and I am truly upset and depressed about this...
     
  11. Dreama

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    Well, hun, continue to be supportive. I hate to say it, but at this point, there is nothing you can do that you've not already done. I mean, you've tried joining her, so what more can you do? You're doing the very best you can, and if and when she decides to get her motivation back, you'll be there to help. If she's really not feeling the exercise thing, she will only do it half assed, which is worse than nothing at all (in my opinion) and she will resent it even more than she already does. Just don't give up. It had been almost two years for me..and, I didn't even have anything to cause it either....Just general laziness.
     
  12. bsxy420

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    all you can do is be supportive. when you make comments about her weight and her life style, you may not be helping her. it could be making her go deeper into her state of some what depression. your mom has some good adviice. let her come around on her own. it may take longer than you like. but things happen for a reason. keep loving her and being supportive!
     
  13. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    It sounds like she's struggling with some self-esteem issues, from what you've said. The identity theft probably was just a trigger. I would question whether making any comments at all about her size/weight is going to help...I would tend to think that might injure her self-esteem even more and have the opposite of the intended effect, so be really careful there. There's a very fine line between encouraging and nagging. If you do think that self-esteem issues are the root of the problems, then maybe think about what you can do or do with her to help rebuild her self-esteem. You can't fix it for her...self-esteem really has to come from the inside...but, I think you can at least help (or not hurt it more). Just make sure you let her know that you love and adore her exactly as she is, but you want her to get back on track for herself and not for you.

    HTH,
    BD
     
  14. Dreama

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    That's wonderful advice. And, I don't think some men know how to be tactful when 'helping'. When I first started gaining weight, my hubby (then boyfriend) wanted to help, but to him, helping me was telling me that I should get back in shape. Yeah, I could tell that he was worried for me, and he made it doubly clear that no matter what, he loved me and thought I was beautiful. But, sometimes, in my depression, I took some of his workout and food comments as snide or something used to control me, which was just not so. I gained 30 pounds in one summer..2 months!! Who wouldn't be worried? And, while it is harder now that I've gained so much, had to take the time myself to work out my own issues with food. I'm not completely healed, but I am on my way to recovery. It was like I was sick. Just make sure your advice is very kind, or perhaps try not saying anything about her weight at all. She will come around eventually. My mom and dad were both 300 lbs + for over ten years. Now my mom and dad are health nuts, and take great care of themselves. My mother is now 160 pounds, and my dad is 220 pounds of pure muscle. It takes time, but not many people can live like that forever. Give it time, hun.
     
  15. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Thanks, Dreama. Yes, we men are usually not tactful by nature...I struggle with saying things the right way and often fail, but at least my intentions are good. (But then as I always say, even Hitler had "good intentions". ;) We have to be mindful that the other person's perception is what actually matters, not our intention.) Regardless, being tactful is definitely a learned skill.

    BD
     
  16. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    Thanks for all of the advice everyone.

    I guess my mom was right and I just need to let her come around.

    It is just the fear that she won't come around... or she will keep letting herself go until it is a major problem.. ie 40-50 lb gain.

    As I write this, she is actually really sick... one day before we leave for Barbados and she has a really nasty cold.

    She has been sick 2-3 times just this month, and she NEVER used to get sick. Maybe once a year, if that.

    So obviously her immune system is really down... it just blows to sit back and wait, but I gotta do what everyone, including my mom said.

    I guess all I can do is keep setting an example and hope she follows along... or gets tired of eating like crap and not exercising.

    Maybe when the weather gets warmer she will try again... hope springs eternal I guess.

    For myself, I guess I can't let it depress me... it is just the thought of going through this for the next 20 years... because I want to marry her. I don't know how I can deal with this my entire life... watching someone I love so much ruin her health.

    Besides losing my bro, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to cope with....
     
  17. Dreama

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    Yes, depression does no favors for our immune systems, does it? And, it does blow to play the waiting game, but sometimes the best thing you can do for a person is let them make their own mistakes.
     
  18. On_Top

    On_Top New Member

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    Honestly, if this were me, and my SO came up to me and mentioned my weight, I would feel attacked.
     
  19. Bluesy

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    Holy crap, when I saw the title of this thread I thought you must be talking about drugs or alcohol. I do understand what you're saying, because overindulgence in junk foods and lack of exercise can have a detrimental effect on one's health over time, but there are actually healthy overweight people. And 10-15 lbs. over a person's "ideal weight" is certainly nothing to sound the alarms over. There are plenty of guys out there who would love your gf's body to death...don't give her a reason to go looking for one of them.

    You've identified a catalyst, the ID theft crisis, good job. People generally don't suffer such a dramatic alteration in their personal habits for no good reason, and if I were you, I'd be more concerned about the affect this post-traumatic type of depression is having on your girlfriend's overall well-being.

    Let's face it, people's bodies do change: you may lose some or most of your hair, you'll most likely have a harder time keeping fit as you get older and you'll begin to collect fat around your midsection...you're not going to stay the same, and neither is she. Not to mention, sometimes life throws a curveball or two before all's said and done. She could be in a disfiguring car accident, suffer massive scarring, lose a limb or two, become paralyzed...and would you love her any less? Did you fall in love with her body or her soul? And if the answer is "soul", why aren't you concerned about the shape it's in? Because all I'm seeing here is fretting over the state of her body, which is actually the least of her concerns at the moment.
     
  20. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    :bow So very well said...as would be expected from Bluesy.

    As I've noted before, what's on the inside is what really matters. To some extent that is reflected on the outside (but certainly not always)...the inside colors the outside somewhat, in my opinion. In other words, treat the "disease" and not the symptom.

    BD