Friends with benefits

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by HotForHoney, Feb 21, 2014.

  1. HotForHoney

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    Can we have an open discussion on why you think it is/isn't okay?

    Put out everything - feelings, needs, wants, trust, respect.

    Can they work?
    What are the ground rules?
    What happens if things change - feelings or you start dating someone else?
     
  2. JonJo

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    OK.
    I've had one for a long time and it has worked for a long time.
    She was unhappily married, frustrated and lacking attention of all kinds to the stage she had started doubting her own attractiveness, almost to the point of a breakdown.
    Our families had been friends for a long time and when my wife died she offered comfort and sympathy and as I found out about her 'personal troubles' I reciprocated, until the inevitable happened (after six months and my celibacy was getting too much) and we fulfilled each other's needs.
    At first it was just getting rid of each other's frustration, but with a kind or reassurance on both sides - she that she was still attractive and could be 'wanted'; me that I was again capable of 'performing'.
    There was no 'love' involved, although there was trust, without which it would not have been possible, because we still saw each other in social family situations, which she wanted to continue for many reasons - it basically boiled down to good enjoyable sex (again) for both of us.
    I had very little guilt, despite knowing her husband and neither did she - perhaps both feeling it was his 'fault' for 'ignoring' her to the point she was driven to do what she did.
    The ground rules: either could 'call' on the other when they had the 'need', with a refusal, for any reason, being understood and no hard feelings.
    This has gone on for a long time, stopping whenever I formed a more 'normal' relationship and starting again if/when they failed.
    As a very good friend when this has happened she was/is happy for me, hoping that I will again have a happy family situation to replace the one I've lost.
    We both realise that we are, as friends do, 'helping each other out', although in maybe a different way than most friends.

    Should I post this ?????
     
  3. HotForHoney

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    That's exactly the type of conversation I wanted
     
  4. JonJo

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    Admit that I had great doubts about posting it.
     
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  5. Kiltedtxn

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    Damn jonjo.....great post, glad you overcame your doubts. I have a FWB.......well sort of, as we have never done the "benefits" portion but we both admit it could happen about that >< quick. We have been friends long enough to know that if it did go there nothing about or original friendship would change.
     
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  6. AGFUNK

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    I had a fwb once. Didn't work out. I wound up having feelings for him and wound up pregnant by him. Ended up having a miscarriage. He showed his true colors as a friend at that point. Never spoke to him again.
     
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  7. WS4

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    I've never had this situation but I have seen it work and fall apart for friends of mine. A do believe it has a lot to do with how strong the friendship is before the benefits start. I'm 49 been faithful to my wife for 29 years. Contrary to what I would have thought younger kids being a little more open than when i was young; the times I've seen it work the best is the older more mature fwb situation seems to do better.
     
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  8. inapickle

    inapickle New Member

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    I've had a few over the years. One was with a guy I worked with. I was very clear about my intentions; he got a little clingy every now and then and I'd have to back things off for a bit till he got the hint. I had one that worked out okay but it was really more just benefits than friends with benefits. My most successful situation was with a neighbor/friend. I think our similar lifestyles, jobs, schedules and sex drive/interests had a lot to do with us being able to maintain our "relationship" as long as we did. I think the trust we built during that time made it easier to still be friends when the benefits stopped. There was still a lot of bonding. I had known him for years before we slept together. He wasn't just my friend but married to another friend. We slept together off and on before and after their divorce. I still talk to him, not her. The situation I'm in now is just a big bag of mess.
     
  9. CaramelLady

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    JonJo and inapickle that you very much for sharing your stories.
     
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  10. CaramelLady

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    Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. The guy sounds like an asshole.
     
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  11. AGFUNK

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    It's no big deal. I'm glad it happened. I was too young, and I would have never met my husband or have our wonderful son now. I'm lucky.
     
  12. CaramelLady

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    Sometimes things happen in life the way they should be.
     
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  13. CaramelLady

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    I have never had a FWB. Not sure that I could.
     
  14. lbushwalker

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    I had one such relationship which lasted +3 years , both of us married and neither getting sex or intimacy in our respective marriages.
    It worked real well, was very exciting with sex in daring places and both of us uninhibited in doing things never dared before. The deal was no to love but she nonetheless slowly but surely did fall in love. We had agreed it was only for sex that we met but she became very loving and caring and it became high time to bail.
    It got a bit dicey when at the same time another much younger woman decided to want me for herself instead and also suspected the former as being involved with me.
    In the end I intentionally moved away and so the young one followed and we are now inseparable.
    So yes a FWB relationship can and do have a valuable place mostly as a transitional state between more enduring relationships.
     
  15. EnglishDad

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    Now that i am happy with the female I'm with and soon to marry, I would'nt want or wish a friends with benefits, but I've had a number of them in the past, once it went from just sex ( she was married with 3 children ) i was 17 she was 28, it was mainly just pure lust and sex.
    She did'nt like her husband, and i did'nt know him, did i feel guilty ( not one bit, she was the one that initiated the sex side of things ) I was young and thought with the lower brain back then
    This went on for 7 years, it was great while it lasted, it did change in the end, to me having deep feelings for her, she always said she felt the same way, we broke it of, when we both knew she was not going to leave her husband, although she didnt love him.
     
  16. shashtzoh

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    Before I ever met him my husband had a friend with benefits and I asked him all about it and heard a lot of details including feelings and everything. I also asked to meet her when we got engaged because I was very curious too. In any case for him it was a very positive experience and I can see why. She had already had a tubal ligation so there was nearly no chance of pregnancy and the ability to go have sex with her was something they both enjoyed a lot. It was mutual and there were no deep emotional feelings. They did go places and do things together sometimes like going shopping or movies or out to dinner. And they had their own special kinks or sexual preferences may be the right word that they had in common so they enjoyed those together. So it was a good thing for them.
     
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  17. HotForHoney

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    I guess I'm struggling with knowing I want a long term "traditional" relationship vs being lonely and horny now.
    In addition to the emotional aspect of sex (at least for me) and the feeling of being used (you like me enough to hang out, want to have sex with me but not enough to commit in case something better comes along)
     
  18. shashtzoh

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    I think you are right to wonder about those things. When I was divorced I was struggling with both because I was exceptionally horny and I also felt like I needed affirmation of my sexual abilities too. I slept with some guys and I guess it was like friends with benefits but we never actually said it was that so I dont think about it that way and frankly I was the one kind of using them to just get sex. I didnt want to commit to any of them honestly. I think there should be an emotional aspect to sex and I believe very strongly in commitment but I was in a different patch. Too bad some guys seem to live their lives in that way always and cant commit.
     
  19. CaramelLady

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    You have expressed so eloquently why I do not engage in such relationships. I am not emotionally strong enough.
     
  20. Amature

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    I couldn't do it. I'd fall in love. I have always craved female attention. I couldn't just have sex for the sake of having sex without developing feelings for her.
     
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