Found someone new but still not over Ex...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by milesdavisgirl, Oct 7, 2007.

  1. milesdavisgirl

    milesdavisgirl New Member

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    I broke up with my ex about a month ago. We had no contact up until a couple days ago. I've been seeing a new guy for the last two weeks and we get along great. I thought seeing this new guy would help distract me and eventually help me get over my ex, but I think it's just making it worse. I had sex with the new guy for the first time a couple of days ago and it was very disappointing. I was just immediately reminded of how considerate my ex was in bed and how much I loved having sex with him. Another reason I feel this way is because somehow I get the feeling that this new guy is not interested in a relationship. At the moment, I'm not ready to be in a relationship either, but I'm afraid that this will turn into a casual/sexual relationship, which is not what I want either. I'd like to go slow and eventually develop a relationship if it so happens. If not, that's ok too. Anyway, after sleeping with the new guy and feeling disappointed, I contacted my Ex and asked if he wanted to have lunch this week -- as friends. He jumped at the idea and said he would call me when he got back in town. I'm not sure if he will really call, but I would really like to see him. He hasn't contacted me, but he also doesn't seem to have any negative feelings towards me.

    I don't really want to get back together with my ex because I know how terrible we were for one another, but why can't I get over him?? I thought finding someone new would help me move on, but it hasn't. Does anyone have any suggestions for me? This is my first real relationship breakup. Thank you.
     
  2. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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    Only answer to your question I can think of is that you like pain!! Google can give a link to BDSM group! If you are really not into pain stay away from him and all others for a while. Brake up romances almost always bring more pain then the first brake up. Get one of the Cowgirl's machines for now.:):)
     
  3. MsEspresso

    MsEspresso New Member

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    The only advice I can give is not to jump into another relationship until you are completely over your ex. It won't work (unless you just want some casual fun).

    Why can't you get over him? Ask yourself exactly what you miss about him. It may just be that you miss having SOMEONE. Maybe he was just a habit for you, and habits are definitely hard to break. But if you know for sure that you guys just don't work together, I would suggest keeping your distance. Hanging out with him will only rub salt in the wounds.
     
  4. milesdavisgirl

    milesdavisgirl New Member

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    Thanks for the replies. Right now, I'm not sure if I just miss the idea of him or if I'm missing all the positive moments we had together. To this day, I don't believe he is a bad person, and I still remember all the well-intentioned things he said and did for me. I still have an enormous amount of love and respect for him. I'm not in love with him anymore, but I still feel a lot of love towards him as a friend and human being. I know that with both of our issues, we were terrible for one another. Sometimes I play with the idea of getting back together, but then I stop because 1) I know he doesn't want to, and 2) I remind myself of all the terrible and unhealthy things we put each other through. I just would like to know how he is and still be a part of his life. I don't want to get back together because I know it would just lead to a more painful break up down the road.

    I guess I'm just wondering what is the best way to get over him? I think I'm going to end things with the new guy because I'm kind of put off by his lack of communication and mind games with the lack of communication. I don't really need this drama right now and I think I just need to be alone for a while to figure out myself and to get over my Ex.
     
  5. MsEspresso

    MsEspresso New Member

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    It sounds like you're on the right track. You'll get on with your life, and before you know it, you'll be on to bigger, better things.
     
  6. Nettle

    Nettle Member

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    Try to fill your life with other interests, hobbies, work, study and other friends for now.

    If you were with your boyfirend for a long while it can leave a big hole in your life. You get used to being a couple and miss it when you are not.

    Take this time to build your self confidence and enjoy just being YOU. :)
     
  7. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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    Something I tend to forget to say. Find some way to be of help to others. That is the fastest cure for a hurt soul. There are hundreds of ways in every city to be of help to others.
     
  8. Bluesy

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    Everyone's given you such good advice...I'll just add that for some people, not having a love relationship in their life is unbearable. Most everyone would prefer to share their life with a special someone, but you know you've got a problem when you find yourself doing things you know you really shouldn't, or find yourself with people you know aren't good for you, just so you have some semblance of a relationship. The trick is in uncovering what it is about having a love relationship that makes your life better. Without a relationship, do you feel bored/lonely/sad/unlovable/empty/anxious/etc.? Sometimes people inadvertantly use relationships to "fix" an emotional problem (that can't really be fixed with a relationship, but it does seem that way in the beginning because of all the feel-good chemicals that are released in the brain when you interact with someone you're attracted to). The blissful feelings that come with infatuation, with feeling loved and wanted, sometimes fill a void created by depression, low self-esteem, or other issue that is difficult to confront and deal with--latching onto a "quick fix", in the form of an SO, is much easier.

    Some people call this "love addiction", or "relationship addiction". And the first step to overcoming any addiction is abstaining from your drug of choice. Secondly, you've got to start working on the personal issues that relationships have been covering up and distracting your attention from.

    All my best to you, hon. Keep us updated, 'kay?
     
  9. milesdavisgirl

    milesdavisgirl New Member

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    Thanks everyone. I will definitely keep you all updated. We are having lunch together on Saturday. I think it will go well because we both said we wanted to be friends and to just be on good terms. I've reached a point where I am no longer angry at him and would really just like to be his friend again. He is still one of my very good friends. He is also going through some troubled times, so I would just like him to know that he doesn't need to think that one more person has negative feelings towards him. I am going to keep my distance because I know his problems are not my problems anymore. I realized today that what I really miss isn't that he is my boyfriend but that he is my friend. I miss the pleasure of his company and just being able to be his friend. I just want to maintain an amicable friendship, which I think is easily doable considering both of our busy schedules now.

    Thanks again, everybody. I really appreciate the advice and support.
     
  10. Bluesy

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    I hope the friendship thing works out for you, hon :) Good luck!