Finding out who your wife is... after the marraige!..

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by FUN10VER, Dec 4, 2007.

  1. FUN10VER

    FUN10VER New Member

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    Hi all :)

    In honesty I don't know if I'm being stupid or if I have a valid point over feeling pretty shit lately. I met my wife a couple of years ago and despite normal up's and down's things went sufficiently well to get married and do the whole big white wedding thing. At the beginning of our relationship we both talked about our past and I thought we were being open and honest. I knew she'd had a few partners as part of serious relationships and that was it. She stuck to this even when I asked her more questions when friends raised 'issues' over her. A couple of months following the marraige I found out a lot more, she'd had 20+ partners, had slept with her married college lecturers, had threesomes and even slept with (distantish) relations. I guess she is the same person I married - but is she? I found out about 8 months ago and we've hardly had sex since and we seem to have 'lost' something. We're both 27 and have no kids, is it just as easy to seperate and start over rather than trying to patch something up with someone I don't trust? Feel free to tell it how it is :uhh:
     
  2. LA_20

    LA_20 New Member

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    While I see no problem with her having many past sexual partners, I do see a problem with her ability to lie. A relationship, especially a marriage is built on trust. I have never been married and thus don't feel qualified to say whether of not this is something worth "patching up" but I definately think you need to find out why she felt the need to lie to you.
     
  3. FUN10VER

    FUN10VER New Member

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    Thanks for the input. She said she was worried about loosing me, but at the same time it is freaky that someone can lie so coldly to someone they want to spend the rest of their life with. What else could she lie about/hasn't been found out about?
     
  4. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    I'd be more annoyed at the dishonesty, rather than the fact that this person did all that stuff. You have every right to have lost trust. That's a big lie. It might not hurt to talk to someone neutral about this. Lack of trust and suspicion is relationship cancer. It spreads.
     
  5. Joe

    Joe
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    My late wife had a few more partners than what she had fessed up to in the beginning. Maybe it should have bothered me, but it didn't. I know why she didn't admit to all of them -- she was embarrassed/ashamed. And she didn't want to upset me or worse. I can understand that. (Frankly, I'd guess my current wife had a little more active sex life than she admits too, but that's her business. It's history. Nobody likes to be lied to, but we've all told a few.)

    But you guys have a problem. Almost no sex for the past 8 months and you're newly weds? You've "lost" something? You need to have a nice sit-down talk. A long one. I'd suggest that you be very honest, but don't blame and don't get angry.

    Incidentally, from reading your post, I don't think she is any more to blame for your problems than you are. She told a little white lie -- maybe grey. You are unable to get over it. You're both at fault here, imho.

    Divorce isn't that difficult if you can agree to a fair settlement, but I think you both owe it to yourselves and to each other to try to work this out. See a counselor. Talk about it. Maybe there's still something there. If not, start over. I'm sure neither of you deserve to be in an unhappy marriage for the rest of your lives, and once you start accumulating wealth and a family, splitting up gets tougher.
     
  6. indagroove

    indagroove New Member

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    She was probably afraid to spill all the details. She has probably learned that most men cannot handle knowing their womans past. Even worst, we can't handle being deceived. It's a tough place to be.

    You can find many posts on this forum alone about how some men can react to a woman that is comfortable with her own sexuality. Society calls then a slut. She was probably more afraid of losing you for knowing her full past, then she was in dealing with the truth later on.

    She is the same person. But you have to decide if you are going to let it destroy your marriage. There is a difference between lying to deceive, and failing to fully disclose.

    Your feelings have been hurt. So you have deside if you want ot be single again, or do you really love the girl you married. She is still the same. Does knowing her past really change who she is? I understand the not being 100% honest, but put yourself in her shoes for just a moment. It does not make her unfaithful, or unworthy. I doubt she meant any dishonor to you.

    Just my thoughts. But you need to decide what to do soon. Your relationship is straining, and she needs you now, more then ever..... Embrace her past as it has made her who she is today. My wife's past is very colorful (for the lack of better nomenclature), and it has made her an awesome woman. Embrace her past, and she'll respect you for it.
     
  7. Vanja

    Vanja New Member

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    As a woman with a colorful past I love you for this post :)

    But I agree with the others. Her past makes her the person she is today and you need to love her for who she is and take her exactly as she is. If you can do that, that's the biggest "I love you" you can ever give her. The magic words are that: I love you just the way you are, past, present and future.

    There is no such thing as a "pure woman" - get over it ;)
     
  8. Dreama

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    Yeah, she probably shouldn't have lied, but she can't change the past. How would you have reacted if she had fessed up in the beginning? It sounds like she was scared, and though she should have been honest with you, she wasn't. Everyone deserves a second chance. I'd be more concerned if she continued to lie about things.
     
  9. mxlonerider

    mxlonerider New Member

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    If I'm reading the post correctly, the problem is more with some of the choices she made with partners-- *not* that she is confident in her sexuality or comfortable with it; and also, there is that "small" issue of what seems to be a direct lie (I'm assuming that by saying "She stuck to this even when I asked her more questions when friends raised 'issues' over her" you mean that you asked a direct question about who/how many/something of that nature that you've now learned she lied about).
    First, I'd say that don't put much stock in what others have to say- they may have their own personal feelings on the issue that will complicate things. I'd also say to try and find somebody neutral, as somebody said earlier, and discuss it. Don't be afraid, this will turn into you more talking to yourself than to them, that's the way it usually goes. You'll need to sit down by yourself, I think, and decide simply enough 1. whether her past decisions really matter to you. Make sure you know why she did whatever you're hung up on. Remember that the past cannot be changed, but seeing as she's moved on now to a single dedicated relationship, things have most likely changed in her. and 2. you have to decide whether you can trust her or not. Make sure that you don't end up staying in a relationship where you're checking up on her. Just my two cents, though.
     
  10. Goldenlion

    Goldenlion Banned

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    Im going through a smiliar thing mate, not as serious but i know how you feel on some level.

    Okay, if she told you about her entire past when you first asked. She might of been worried that you would think she's a slut, hence not liking her any more.

    My girlfriend briefly told me about her past and it came up recently that she's had a few one night stands, slept with some guy who has a way bigger dick then i do. Im roughly 7" so this guy must of been huge which makes me feel insecure, he was also black which i dont have a major problem with but it is taboo since he was a 1 nighter.

    I found out her last relationship wasn't really a relationship at all, it was more like a guy paying her to come down to where he lives, paying for everything and banging her brains out for 2 weeks.

    So in my mind i thought jesus, if i knew all of this to begin with im not sure i would of stayed with her or not.

    Fact she didnt tell me this all to begin with was wrong but i do trust her, she hasnt lied since and it was only out of worry she didnt tell me to begin with.

    Knowing this, doesnt take that dirty feel away that she's been around alot.


    You have 2 simple options, deal with it and trust her, or move on mate. There is no other way about it.
    The worst thing you can do is let it chew you up.
    Personally, if you are married to this woman and one day hope to make a family, do you really want this woman to be the mother of your kids be in your life forever ?

    Answer it yourself and make a choice.


    Women are too easy these days, its a shame.
     
  11. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    Goldy, your post was relatively intelligent until you made this statement. Let's please keep the value judgments to a minimum. Women are not "too easy" these days. They're the same they've always been. They just don't feel as pressured to hide it anymore, and that's far from being a shame.
     
  12. AnonymousOne

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    Oh God-fucking-forbid that two people voluntarily get together for a night of sex...

    Heaven forbid people make choices...
     
  13. cbrmale

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    I don't believe the women are too easy these days comment! There have always been men and women who have been sexually experimentative (I have a client and she is in her mid-fifties, and she told me her past of about 100 lovers, many orgies, etc etc). In my younger days, I had a a lot of partners who were as radical as me.

    Getting back to the question in hand. I too have a colourful past (about a hundred partners and a few threesomes and a couple of other things). I confessed to my wife about thirty lovers and one threesome. Why did I lie? I didn't want to freak her out. Do I regret my past? No and yes. No, some of my experiences were fantastic, no question about it. And yes, my sex now with someone I love is as better than the most fantastic experiences of my past. Indeed, in my past I missed out on something very special - romantic sex. Did I lie because I regret some aspects of my past? Probably yes. Did I lie to avoid hurting my wife? Absolutely. Why did I do what I did? I had really bad teenage years, and I was unable to form intimate relationships until I was well into my twenties. Casual sex was easy, but I just couldn't get close to someone, because deep-down I was keeping a barrier in place in case they hurt me the way I had been hurt too many times previously. I didn't know this at the time, I didn't know this when I got married, I worked it out many years later.

    It's up to you, mate. Sex these days is very different to when I was 27, and there is much shame associated with casual sexual experimentation. At the same time there are those who partake in sexual experimentation before they settle down. It depends on whether you can accept that she was lying because of the shame associated with what she did (even if she may or may not feel ashamed about it). Perhaps, there may be deeper reasons for her past behaviour (reasons she may not fully understand at the moment). Reasons that deserve sympathy and not condemnation. Over to you.
     
  14. Joe

    Joe
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    The best way to avoid being lied to is to avoid asking the wrong questions in the first place. If you ask questions that have obvious "right" and "wrong" answers, and answers that aren't really any of your business anyway, don't always expect wholly truthful answers. People don't like to "confess" some things when it might cause bad feelings toward them. Instead of just answering, "It's none of your business," they'll give you the answer that's safest. I've done it. Probably all people have. Did your dog REALLY eat your homework?
     
  15. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    Communication is based on comfort and trust. At the start of a relationship it is not always easy or practical to divuldge everything, as there is too much risk. As a relaitonship develops, trust and communication too people will open up more. From my experience it usually takes about five years to reach that point.

    Your wife is still the same person whom she was before she told you. Based on your posting it sounds as though she has not been unfaithful to you, so what is your gripe? Just because she was not completely honest about her past and has not cheated on you now you want to dump her? Please get over yourself. I could understand it if she cheated or tried to suprise you with a threesome. There are not many men out there that have wives who are as loving and honest as she is. Be happy what you have and not what you missed out on.