Finding A Rhythm That Works When She’s “On Top” By Rose Rivera, MA Family and Sexuality Studies Being in the "on top" position during sex can be a nerve-wracking experience for both women and men. The expectation to please and to make the person "on bottom" orgasm can easily turn a playful sexual experience into an emotional disaster. Although it’s commonly assumed that the person in the dominant position has more control over the situation, and is therefore less vulnerable, this is not often the case from an emotional perspective. Sure, they may be controlling the movements, but they are also putting their physical selves and their sexual prowess on display. If these attributes are commented upon or criticized by their partners, it could lead to feelings of shame - an emotion that rarely, if ever, makes sex better. Women Can Be Particularly Vulnerable to "On Top" Criticisms Because women are still "supposed" to be the sexually submissive sex, when a woman does work up enough courage to take a controlling position in bed she’s likely to be even more nervous than her male counterparts ever were. Most women feel rather out of place and very hesitant the first few times they try to be on top. (Guys, remember how you felt the first time you had sex and were expected to "take control" of things?! Now multiply that by five and you’ll have an idea of how she’s feeling.) This nervousness often leads to jerky movements, sudden stops, and a general lack of sexual "flow." The results can be an "on bottom" partner who not only doesn’t reach orgasm, but may start wondering where his usually submissive and confident sex kitten has gone. Everyone Has to Find Their Own Sexual "Groove" Just like everyone has their own special way of boogy-ing down on the dance floor, everyone has their own internal sexual rhythms they need to discover, usually via trial and error. Often by the time men are in their thirties they’ve practically forgotten what it was like to not have a defined sexual pattern. Women, on the other hand, often aren’t comfortable enough to explore their sexuality fully until they are in their thirties, which makes finding their natural rhythms (the ones that really come from their own bodies - not the ones that come from following someone else’s) that much harder. Tips to Calm Her Down and Help Find Her Own Rhythm Use Background Music - One of the easiest ways to relax into a sexual situation is to play your favorite sensual tunes in the background. Not only will music give her a little "mind escape" since she can close her eyes and let her imagination drift - very helpful is she is really nervous - but it will provide her with a rhythm. She can further play with this idea by picking music of varying tempos to see which ones "feel" the best to her, and to her partner. Stop Thinking Up and Down and Start Thinking Front and Back - Many women who first get on top have an image of a woman "bouncing" up and down on her partner. The up and down motion does, of course, work for some women in some situations, but don’t forget to try rocking her hips back and forth as well! This kind of serpentine motion tends to feel more natural for women and is perfect for either the woman-sitting-man-lying-down positions or the woman-and-man-sitting positions. By rocking her hips front and back she not only stimulates her g-spot (and often her clitoris against his pubis), but gives the man intense stimulation without ever having to "pull out." Start off slowly, varying the speed and the depth of penetration (it can be too intense if she fully sits down and he is completely inside). This is a great technique that can bring most men to orgasm in a way they never expected. Let Him Lead in the Beginning - For women who are very unsure of how they should proceed, why not let him lead with his hands on her hips in the beginning? This can make her feel more emotionally secure since he is still somewhat in control, and will give her a chance to get used to the new vantage point. Once she is ready, let her go slowly, let her try out different things, and be supportive. Tell her what feels good, what angles you enjoy. And never hesitate to let her know how great she looks "up there!" Final Things to Consider Faster is not always better! It’s very common for women to find and enjoy slower rhythms than men. However, this doesn’t mean women on top can’t make men orgasm just as easily. In fact many men find a medium paced rhythm to be both effective and excruciatingly pleasurable since it tends to draw out the excitement phase that much longer. And Guys, if your partner isn’t the smoothest of lovers right away, please try to hide any confusion you may have and remember to be encouraging. She’ll find her "groove" eventually. And when she does, don’t be surprised if you have to wrestle her to the bottom just to get some of your own "on top" time back again!