Finding A Rhythm That Works When She’s “On Top”

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by Bluesy, Oct 20, 2007.

  1. Bluesy

    Gold Member

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    Finding A Rhythm That Works When She’s “On Top”

    By Rose Rivera, MA Family and Sexuality Studies

    Being in the "on top" position during sex can be a nerve-wracking experience for both women and men.

    The expectation to please and to make the person "on bottom" orgasm can easily turn a playful sexual experience into an emotional disaster. Although it’s commonly assumed that the person in the dominant position has more control over the situation, and is therefore less vulnerable, this is not often the case from an emotional perspective.

    Sure, they may be controlling the movements, but they are also putting their physical selves and their sexual prowess on display. If these attributes are commented upon or criticized by their partners, it could lead to feelings of shame - an emotion that rarely, if ever, makes sex better.

    Women Can Be Particularly Vulnerable to "On Top" Criticisms

    Because women are still "supposed" to be the sexually submissive sex, when a woman does work up enough courage to take a controlling position in bed she’s likely to be even more nervous than her male counterparts ever were. Most women feel rather out of place and very hesitant the first few times they try to be on top.

    (Guys, remember how you felt the first time you had sex and were expected to "take control" of things?! Now multiply that by five and you’ll have an idea of how she’s feeling.) This nervousness often leads to jerky movements, sudden stops, and a general lack of sexual "flow." The results can be an "on bottom" partner who not only doesn’t reach orgasm, but may start wondering where his usually submissive and confident sex kitten has gone.

    Everyone Has to Find Their Own Sexual "Groove"


    Just like everyone has their own special way of boogy-ing down on the dance floor, everyone has their own internal sexual rhythms they need to discover, usually via trial and error. Often by the time men are in their thirties they’ve practically forgotten what it was like to not have a defined sexual pattern. Women, on the other hand, often aren’t comfortable enough to explore their sexuality fully until they are in their thirties, which makes finding their natural rhythms (the ones that really come from their own bodies - not the ones that come from following someone else’s) that much harder.

    Tips to Calm Her Down and Help Find Her Own Rhythm

    Use Background Music - One of the easiest ways to relax into a sexual situation is to play your favorite sensual tunes in the background. Not only will music give her a little "mind escape" since she can close her eyes and let her imagination drift - very helpful is she is really nervous - but it will provide her with a rhythm. She can further play with this idea by picking music of varying tempos to see which ones "feel" the best to her, and to her partner.

    Stop Thinking Up and Down and Start Thinking Front and Back - Many women who first get on top have an image of a woman "bouncing" up and down on her partner. The up and down motion does, of course, work for some women in some situations, but don’t forget to try rocking her hips back and forth as well! This kind of serpentine motion tends to feel more natural for women and is perfect for either the woman-sitting-man-lying-down positions or the woman-and-man-sitting positions. By rocking her hips front and back she not only stimulates her g-spot (and often her clitoris against his pubis), but gives the man intense stimulation without ever having to "pull out." Start off slowly, varying the speed and the depth of penetration (it can be too intense if she fully sits down and he is completely inside). This is a great technique that can bring most men to orgasm in a way they never expected.

    Let Him Lead in the Beginning - For women who are very unsure of how they should proceed, why not let him lead with his hands on her hips in the beginning? This can make her feel more emotionally secure since he is still somewhat in control, and will give her a chance to get used to the new vantage point. Once she is ready, let her go slowly, let her try out different things, and be supportive. Tell her what feels good, what angles you enjoy. And never hesitate to let her know how great she looks "up there!"

    Final Things to Consider


    Faster is not always better! It’s very common for women to find and enjoy slower rhythms than men. However, this doesn’t mean women on top can’t make men orgasm just as easily. In fact many men find a medium paced rhythm to be both effective and excruciatingly pleasurable since it tends to draw out the excitement phase that much longer.

    And Guys, if your partner isn’t the smoothest of lovers right away, please try to hide any confusion you may have and remember to be encouraging. She’ll find her "groove" eventually. And when she does, don’t be surprised if you have to wrestle her to the bottom just to get some of your own "on top" time back again!
     
  2. globesk8r

    globesk8r New Member

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    Sounds like good advise. But tell me something, I've heard that woman on top is a good position if your woman has back problems - is that true? I would love to try this but my wife is not the discovery type and I really think the missionary position with her legs spread wide has an impact on her back - she's had three back operations for bulging discs and I would love to find a position that wouldn't put her at risk. I've looked for some help on the net but 4 out of 5 times I end up at a porn site and no help at all. I know this is a little off the intended subject but any thoughts/help would be appreciated. Thanks.
     
  3. On_Top

    On_Top New Member

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    Good article. Thanks for posting :)
     
  4. indagroove

    indagroove New Member

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    I just let her ride anyway she wants. Usually it's like a Professional Rodeo Bronco Rider :)
     
  5. Cora

    Cora New Member

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    I have been on top successfully only once or twice (once recently), both times with partners I been with for a while (and by successfully, I just mean it wasn't a disaster... didn't enjoy it that much either). I have never been on top if I wasn't physically "put there" right in the middle of anything. Guys seem to think that if they just spring it on me like that... any indications I've previously made about not liking it don't count. It's made me go from disliking it to detesting it... and with a new partner I always secretly dread the moment that this issue comes up again.

    I really don't know what to do about this. It seems that it's an essential part of any relationship - and if I can't get past my hang ups about it, then I can forget about relationships altogether. Am I right?
     
  6. mxlonerider

    mxlonerider New Member

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    Good article.

    And Cora, what I'd suggest would be to gear up the nerve and do it yourself. It seems, just from what I read in your post, that the biggest reason you dislike the position is because you've been given no choice in the matter. Just decide that you're going to do it- not only will he probably like the little bit of 'take charge' in you, you can spend the entire time finding your rhythm instead of having to start learning mid-act.
    On the other hand, remember that not everything is for everybody. If you try it and continue to try it and just don't like it... then you just don't like it. There's nothing that I see wrong with that. Who knows, maybe it's partly a partner-problem also?
     
  7. Cora

    Cora New Member

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    I really don't think it's for me at all. Been at this for too long to think I'm ever going ot change (in fact have only gotten progressively worse, and avoid sex altogether at times because of it). Guys do not accept things like this though at all I'm afraid.