Figuring out sex and porn

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by Talking Sex, Jun 19, 2007.

  1. Talking Sex

    Talking Sex New Member

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    For about a year I've been working to give up porn. I usually feel guilty after watching it, and am concerned that it's making it hard for me to find a partner. At the same time, I really like it and wish I could find a way to accept occassional use. It would be nice to have some stimulation from outside (instead of just internal fantasies) as I look for a partner.

    I'm not sure why I feel this way. But I think it could be related to the fact that the last person I was with, a few years ago, was sleeping with multiple people without telling me. It's been very hard for me to find someone since then. I'd used porn since puberty up until then. But shortly after then, I started to feel bad about looking at porn. On the other hand, maybe I just grew older and my feelings about porn changed.

    It seems like everyone here, and everywhere, has their own take on porn and what's right for them. I'd like to do what's right for me, but stopping all porn use or embracing occassional use doesn't seem to work. It's been 2 months and the desire is still there, and not much weaker. Does anyone have any suggestions that could help? Thanks
     
  2. Bluesy

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    This is going to be a controversial answer, and it is indeed a subjective one because we all have to discern for ourselves what the healthiest boundaries are concerning sexual activities, including porn use. I used to be a porn addict, as in, I wanted to cut back on it, but it was a real struggle, causing a lot of guilt and self-loathing. And I was constantly reevaluating my feelings/beliefs surrounding it in the hopes that I could make peace with it without cutting back or giving it up...lots of inner turmoil there. What I eventually did is go cold turkey for a few months, and when I felt that I no longer had a compulsion to look at it, that I could safely control the amount I viewed, I looked at it again. And what I discovered is that the "pull" was gone, I no longer felt that overwhelming desire to spend hours perusing it. I could look at it for a little bit, then not look again for another couple of months, and everything has been totally cool since. A little here, a little there, I control the amount I view and it no longer has control over me. Bet you didn't know that could happen to a woman ;)

    So if you truly want to cut back, you can do it. You do have the capability to set limits for yourself and stick to them. I won't lie, the cravings for your addiction of choice are always worse in the beginning, if you try the abstinence route. They fade, though. And there are support groups that can help, too.

    I hope I haven't offended you by using that term, "addiction", because you don't have to call it that, or think of it that way. That's a very personal decision. I will say that there are a lot of women who aren't crazy about porn but will tolerate a little. If you need to view it often, there's a very real possibility that it could interfere with a relationship. There's also the possibility that you'll find someone, and you could make it a point to look for someone, who is really into porn. Whatever you decide to do, just be sure that you're doing it for your own personal well-being first and foremost. PM me if you'd like to talk more about this, 'kay? :)
     
  3. Talking Sex

    Talking Sex New Member

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    Thanks Bluesy. :) I do think of it as an addiction, and I know what you mean about the guilt and self-loathing that comes up. Sometimes I think those feelings arise from the guilt and shame I'd imagine feeling if other people, meaning aquaintances, knew I was looking at porn. But I admit I really don't have control over how much I'd watch. The best limit so far seems to be total abstinence.

    Everyone is different... I know of a couple that is ok with their individual, private use of porn. I know of others where neither partner is pleased with one partner's habit. So although it's a personal decision in one sense, in a way it seems to be built-in to our unique personal feelings about sex. Thanks for sharing your experience... it's nice to know that someone has made peace with their feelings.