Feelings of inferiority for a single male

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Icebat, Feb 3, 2013.

  1. Icebat

    Icebat Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2011
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Something that's been bothering me lately, is that misconception that I somehow have that single men are for some reason, inferior.
    I know it's a stupid misconception, but it's a feel that I just can't shake off.

    It feels like if you're single at 30 years of age, as a man, you're a loser. For women it's different: a woman that is single at 30 is seen as strong, independent and able to stand for herself. A man that is single at that age is seen as a loser that no woman wants and that is at the shallow end of the gene pool and undesirable for procreation. Like if Nature denies them that.
    I can't shake the feeling that I'm inferior and that there is something wrong with me because I'm 30 and single. And thank God I lost my virginity (allbeit at a late age) because otherwise this feeling would be much worse.
    When I see my friends who have a girlfriend, it feels like they're the superior ones and that nature selected them as "good enough to procreate" while I'm just too inferior or something.
    And the stupid thing is... I don't even want kids. But I still have that feeling.

    It really badly hits on my self esteem. After a while, I start wondering what the hell is wrong with me? Am I just too damn ugly? I come to a point where I think I'm indeed just ugly and undesirable.
    Or do I have a shitty personality? Or ... I dunno.

    Anyone else ever went through a phase like this? The fact that it's Valentine's day soon doesn't make it better... I just feel like I'm missing out on a whole chunk of my life by being single. And the stupid part is that I'm not really unhappy. I actually like coming home and being able to live according to my rules and being able to hang out with friends when I want... but I just feel abnormal and like an outcast compared to everyone else.

    And then sometimes I also miss the sex, to be blunt. I was in a relationship for months a few years ago and I don't regret having ended it back then, but I do miss the physical pleasure sometimes.
    And I'm too shy and unconfident around women (yes I put them on a pedestal) to just "pick one up" in some bar and have sex with "no string attached".

    I have this one woman I already spoke about in another thread but I have no idea if I'm friendzoned or not. I guess time will tell. I registered on a dating site a while ago but women barely ever reply to messages from men apparently. And of course, I don't copy/paste the same shit to everyone. I take time to read their profile, to comment on it and ask a question about their hobbies or something, but in 90% of the cases, they reply with a thunderous silence.
    I either have to be extremely patient and continue sending messages... LOADS of messages or I should just accept that I'm indeed ugly or undesirable for women...

    Sucks.

    Well... feels good to let this off my chest.
     
  2. Clintriprock

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2012
    Messages:
    362
    Likes Received:
    172
    Gender:
    Male
    Dude, get over it. Your woe is me personality is your drawback, get out there with confidence and some balls and meet some women and quit whining. Women fricken hate whiners and no confidence types. Your issues are in your head, not in who you are or what you look like.
     
  3. Cappy_Dick

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2011
    Messages:
    2,288
    Likes Received:
    2,647
    Gender:
    Male
    You need to stop worrying about the friendzone, how many dates before acting sexual and all the other courting falsehoods. Some of the best sex I've had was with women that I was very much "just friends" with, before doing it. Also, I've had some of the best sex happen when we became sexual on the first, or within 3 encounters.

    It's not just humans. The single male is considered inferior in much of the animal kingdom. That's just the way it is, and beating yourself up over it isn't going to help change this one bit. If you are at least average looking, have most of your teeth, bathe regularly and can hold an intelligent conversation, you can find a woman who wants to have sex with you.

    The truth is, most women want sex as much as men do. The thing is, women are more selective. Whether it takes one date, or several weeks to deem you worthy, is all up to her. Women are attracted to confidence, but usually not arrogance. There can be a fine line there. You have to carry yourself well and show confidence, without seeming full of yourself. Women are far more attracted to this than muscles and big cocks.

    Pull your head out of your ass. walk the walk and talk the talk. Especially with this gal you like. Be more aggressive. Most women don't want a pussy. They want a MAN to service theirs. For god's sake man, you're 30, not 15. Pull up your bootstraps and act like it.

    xx
     
  4. backcheck64

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2010
    Messages:
    3,433
    Likes Received:
    1,040
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Missouri
    I've had a few friends that were single when they were 30, establishing careers and dating their asses off. No one thought they were inferior.
     
  5. almostthere

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2011
    Messages:
    727
    Likes Received:
    242
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    southeast
    I got two buddies one 50 and one 45. Neither are married and dates rarely. They both have good lives and dont fell inferior to anyone. Build self confidence and youll see how woman will see it and trust me you will get what you want. Men are visual, woman mental. They love a confident guy no matter what he does for a livivng
     
  6. lbushwalker

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2006
    Messages:
    6,965
    Likes Received:
    5,078
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    'Stralia Mate!
    Just ask around how many married guys wish they were single again.
    Dude, it is a mindset thing.
    You seem a real nice guy but unfortunately women/girls seem to notice the bad dudes first yet often settle for your (my) kind.
    The trick is to play the game, ie act "bad boy" but hint that you are really sensitive but the best chick magnet ever is demonstrating a wicked sense of humour and care-for-nothing attitude.
     
  7. redics_girl

    redics_girl Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2012
    Messages:
    672
    Likes Received:
    55
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Michigan
    wow... bit harsh, don't ya think? The guy came for advice, not to get trashed:ugh
     
  8. Clintriprock

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2012
    Messages:
    362
    Likes Received:
    172
    Gender:
    Male

    That WAS advice
     
  9. Icebat

    Icebat Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2011
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Well actually I do appreciate some harsher talk. Sometimes I do need to get a smack in the face.
    But it's not like I decide to feel that way... I just do feel that way and no matter how hard I try, I can't shake it off.
    How does one gain confidence when the lack of it is also the cause?
     
  10. redics_girl

    redics_girl Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2012
    Messages:
    672
    Likes Received:
    55
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Michigan
    sorry, but maybe its just me. i guess i fail to see how "man up and grow some balls" is advice. but again, i'm a girl, so i guess i wouldn't know. good luck to you icebat.
     
  11. Clintriprock

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2012
    Messages:
    362
    Likes Received:
    172
    Gender:
    Male
    Start by doing something you're good at. Everybody is good at something. Do that with confidence and let it spill into other parts of your life. That's a start. Baby steps and before you know it you're one confident SOB. There is a big difference between confidence and arrogance. Not married by 30? NO man should marry before 30. That should be a fricken LAW. Don't worry about it.


    You have that lean badass look so go use it.

    CR
     
  12. sandwich

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2012
    Messages:
    2,614
    Likes Received:
    2,411
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi. The very first thing I say here might be the most important thing I could tell you. About the WORSE thing you can do for your self esteem is to compare yourself to other people and then evaluate your self worth by how well you measure up. There's always gonna be someone better at whatever it is you are comparing. You are uniquely you, and that should be celebrated, not to the point of arrogance, but in a gratitude sort of way. Being thankful for how and who you are is key. You have things to offer that other people don't.

    I suspect you will continue to sabotage your efforts in the romance department if you don't get a handle on this. There are girls out there who will like you for you but right now they probably can't even tell what that is through this self worth issue. Do whatever you can to kill the negative self talk.

    Then once you get on the right path to healthy self esteem, it is important to note that there is a lot of truth to this saying....men fall in love with their eyes, and women fall in love with their ears. What you say and being kind and other things like that are what we pay attention to. Now I'm more visual that most women, but even I fall into this truth. Unless a woman is totally superficial, what you look like is secondary. My bf figured out what to say to me at my birthday party, and we were just friends then, and it took some observation of me for him to know what to say.

    Being 30 and without a gf is nothing to worry about. I know a few guys that are older than you and not dating, and they are not worried about it at all. But really....please do yourself a favor and ditch the comparisons to other guys.
     
  13. backcheck64

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2010
    Messages:
    3,433
    Likes Received:
    1,040
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Missouri
    I do have to take exception to your "No man should marry before 30". You never know when you'll find the right one...I was married at 25, still married 24 yrs later and couldn't be happier. Unless you're damn sure she's the right one, you shouldn't marry period...but when "the one" comes along, ya gotta jump.

    As far as confidence...that I can't help with, I've never had a lack of it so I have no idea how to boost it. All I can tell you is to not give a fuck what others think and ...as Nike says...just do it.
     
  14. Icebat

    Icebat Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2011
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    I appreciate the replies. And I appreciate the fact that you stand up for me redics_girl but I don't think the folks here want to bash me.
    So... the reason why I'm so insecure now? Well... it's along story. Grab a coffee because it's really long.
    So as a kid, my parents and sister and actually most people around me kept saying how I was "way too skinny". At that time I didn't give a fuck. Up until I reached that age where you start taking notice of your own body and where I noticed, at approx 11 years of age, that I was indeed skinny as hell and not even half as muscular than the other boys in my class.
    I started developing a lack of self esteem because of that. I was embarrassed as hell, especially when you have classmates who do say "dude, you're skinny" and shit like that.
    The only thing I had in my advantage, was that I was tall.
    Plus, my parents divorced when I was 7. I'm not gonna say that this was boo-hoo oh so tragic and that my childhood was miserable because it wasn't. It was just a divorce and even if I did suffer from it a lot (dad left my mom for someone else), it's not like it made my life a complete miserable mess.
    However, back then, having divorced parents was kind of taboo in society and I got picked on at school for it. I was an easy target really.

    The lack of self-esteem became much worse when I was about 14 years old. We moved and I went to a new school. I had trouble adapting and my grades plummeted. I was doing very bad at school that year which was a shock to most. Because I'm fairly intelligent (but lazy) and despite my laziness, I was able to succeed the years before.
    That year in that new school, not so much.
    Plus, my class was full of bullies who bullied the shit out of me. As I said, I was an easy target: that shy, scrawny dude... I had no chance against those more muscular guys so I just took it and didn't stand up for myself.
    That year really annihilated the very little self-esteem I had. It was flushed down the drain back then.

    I developed a stronger lack of self-esteem and realized that girls wouldn't be interested in me. They're prefer the cocky big boys. Not the skinny shy ones like me.
    So instead of facing the fact that I was shy and unconfident and do something about it (gain some weight, and get some confidence) I took the cowards way out: I kept telling myself that I didn't need girls, that I wasn't interested and that I didn't care... that was some fine self-bullshitting right there.
    For years I just kept being a shy, skinny little dude. I reached the age where most people of my age would share their first kiss, their first sexual experience and stuff like that and I wasn't having any of this. I still didn't accept the fact that I wanted that too and should start doing something about it though. I stayed the same, kept telling myself I didn't need it and just made my self-confidence or lack thereof spiral more and more down.

    At some point (approx 25 years of age) I said "fuck it!" and decided to excercice (martial arts, working out and now: rock climbing), gain weight, get more confident and overall develop a bit of a backbone.
    It worked: during that time I dated my first girlfriend that I met with online dating (I gotta admit my virginity was starting to really make me ashamed). I went for the dating sites because well most of my friends are males and the few females all have a boyfriend. Except one. But she's ugly and has a shit personality. I wanted to hit her in the head with a fucking shovel after 17 minutes of being with her.
    Now, I have a healthy weight and no longer look scrawny but the lack of self-esteem had been embedded deeply in my mind for years. It feels like it was etched in there.

    And now, I still have doubts about my looks.
    And my lack of experience with women makes me very insecure around them. Most expect a 30 year old man to know what the hell he's doing around ladies. But I so little experience, that it worsens my self esteem issues which makes it so I'm clueless with women, further fueling my lack of experience and there you go, a nice vicious circle.

    There are days where I want to look up and find those bullies from when I was 14. Now that I gained weight, practiced sports and have a bit of a backbone, I'd be able to stand up for myself. I'd like to find them, confront them... and Muhammed Ali the living shit out of them. But then I think, "what good would that do?"

    Ah man. It feels kinda good to get this stuff off my chest.
     
  15. sandwich

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2012
    Messages:
    2,614
    Likes Received:
    2,411
    Gender:
    Female
    I mean no offense, but people who do not have a particular problem are qualified to help when they use the simplest thing in the world...empathy...you know...putting yourself in their shoes and imagining what it is like for them and coming alongside them in their pain. I don't have a confidence problem, and suggesting that he quit comparing himself to other guys and shutting down the negative self talk was not that hard to come up with. Was that good advice? I don't know because he didn't say.
     
  16. Icebat

    Icebat Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2011
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    I certainly do think the advice of not comparing myself to others is a good one.
    The problem is that... well asking me not to compare myself to others is like asking the sun not to be hot.
    Sometimes I compare myself to specific people, like my best friend who has a girlfriend. Or I compare myself to all people who live in a happy couple in general. Either way, I very often feel envious towards people who live in couple and seem happy that way.

    That's one deadly sin I'm certainly guilty of: Envy. And it hurts.
    Maybe I should simply "unlearn" it the hard way: pinch myself in the arm every time I feel envious. Or something like that.

    I swear, if I ever meet those bullies from back then again, I think I'll break them into pieces for annihilating the little self esteem I had back then.
     
  17. too_thick

    too_thick Member

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2010
    Messages:
    323
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Well you keep letting it get under your skin, you just need to ignore that fact.
     
  18. sandwich

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2012
    Messages:
    2,614
    Likes Received:
    2,411
    Gender:
    Female
    The best thought I have right now on how to combat envy is meditating on and being grateful for the good things in your life. Oh and another would be to do something that involves helping people.
     
  19. lilceaser

    lilceaser Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2012
    Messages:
    55
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    usa
    i've had alot of feelings like that about myself in the past. you definatly can not think that genetics are the reason your single...look man, you honestly think there is no one in the world who has worse genetics than you and isnt married?? look at danny devito, even he was married for like 30 years... i know alot of dudes who are bald and fat and have cute girlfriends... i think your main problem is the shyness and putting them on a pedastal...you have to get over that, because they like a guy who is bold and equal to them...because if your bold, they relate that to "oh i bet he'll make the first move"

    ...you gotta find a comfortable place to be comfortable about women...going up to a complete stranger at a bar can be awkward, and they'll go "oh god, this guy is trying to mack on me"...but if you sit next to them in a class room or something, just go "hey, hows it goin?" and try to start a conversation with them...look them right in the eye and talk slow and smooth, if you talk too fast and dont look them in the eye they will think you are too nervous and a punk...thats mostly what they like, a guy who is not a punk (cowardly) around them...and the first step to achieving that is to remind yourself that you ARE worth something, even if it seems like no one values your worth, you ARE worth it...

    sense of humor is extremely important, you gotta be able to flirt and make her laugh, but without trying to tell her a joke...a good person to study for a sense of humor is norm macdonald, look up norm macdonald interviews on youtube, he is the perfect example of how to be naturally funny without trying too hard.

    there is also alot of different things you can do to make yourself more attractive, style can be a huge improvement on anyone, no matter what they look like. you might be a guy who needs to grow a goatee or a different haircut, maybe some plaid shirts or chuck taylor shoes or somethin...try out alot of different looks and see which one works for you and what type of girls each look will attract...for example, if you get alot of tattoos, you will get more attention from girls that like tattoos...if you wear a peacoat, you will get more attention from snobby upperclass ladies...

    it can also be your own standards holding you back...if you like the girl that EVERYONE wants, it's basically like winning the lottery at that point...if you like the girl that no one wants, your almost gaurenteed to get her...try to go after one who you find attractive, but who is not getting all of the attention in the world...like maybe one who is chubby, but with a really cute face, or one who has a really kind soul but has a kid, or maybe a divorced lady in her fourties...i mean you know...find a girl who is not PERFECT, but who is perfect for you.

    you cant put a girl up on a pedastal though, because alot of them honestly do not deserve to be on one...look at their behavior, if they are a gold-digger who only likes a guy for his money, chances are they dont deserve to be there, if they cheat or go to a bar for a 1 night stand, they dont deserve to be there...but if they are a nice girl who has had your back and will put YOU on a pedastal THEN they deserve to be on a pedastal...and then it wont be a pedastal anymore because you will both be equal.
     
  20. too_thick

    too_thick Member

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2010
    Messages:
    323
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Los Angeles


    Not looking old enough is my problem. :ugh so yes genetics is the reason I'm single.

    this is great if your a female but not a male.


    Yes I tried getting bigger muscles, gaining weight , but I all ready reached my genetic cap on those as well.


    Yes I tried dressing differently as well but then I just look like a over grown middle schooler.
     
    #20 too_thick, Feb 15, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2013