feeling unwanted

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by LA_20, Sep 27, 2007.

  1. LA_20

    LA_20 New Member

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    I've been putting off this thread for a few days hoping that things would change, but at the moment things have not changed for the better and I really could use some advice and support.


    Quick Bio:
    I care about my boyfriend very much, we've been together 10 months, see each other every day, etc. We have not had intercourse but have done everything except that and until recently I expected us to start thinking about having intercourse in the near future. I'm a very emotional person who craves affection and attention, he's very level-headed and likes affection but does not like to be the center of attention. Like any relationship we've had our little bumps but overall we are a very strong couple.


    THe Issue:
    Our last few sexual encounters have left me feeling sad, confused, and unwanted. Lately he has been more than willing to kiss and be affectionate but seems to have zero desire to touch me sexually. At first I thought it was because he was stressed so I didn't mind giving him oral sex and not receiving in return but after 3-4 times I started to question if he was really stressed out. He seems happy, school is going well, no family issues, etc and I really cannot sense a reason why he would avoid intimacy unless it was my fault.
    I don't know if I did something that turned him off, but I feel like his attraction towards me has completely disapeared. He calls me "cute" or "adorable" and I know he still loves me but it is like the passion is gone. I don't know if there's something I can change or even how to approach him about this. How do you ask someone if they are still attracted to you? If he isn't attracted to me I doubt he will say it out of fear of hurting my feelings.
    Anyone gone through a similar situation? Has it resolved over time? How did you approach your SO? What did I do wrong?


    any thoughts are really appreciated.
    LA
     
  2. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    A lot of the time i would say the person that feels they have done something wrong, are usualy the ones that are the innocent party in the relationship.

    Men usualy prefer people to be straight forward ( no hints sort of thing ) so my advice is to just ask him right out and say how your feeling.

    Directness may seem a cold way to many women, but a lot of guys i would feel would have respect for you doing this.

    Others here may disagree wit hthat, and may have far better advice for you.

    It does sound very strange that he is not interested in offering you any true sexual contact ( especialy as you are both a very new couple ( although length of time in a relationship does seem to ebb the desire, it should still be something enjoyed and givenand taken from both partners )
     
  3. deckard_cain

    deckard_cain New Member

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    Talk about it with him. Tell him what you need, and find out his reasons behind his actions.
     
  4. LA_20

    LA_20 New Member

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    Deep down I know the only way to resolve this is to talk to him, but how do you bring that up?
     
  5. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    I cant say how properly to broach the subject, i can say how i would and that is to just bring it up,

    You could start off with perhaps



    Are you happy with everything in our relationship, are there any aspects you wish were different.
    that way it gives him a chance to open up.
     
  6. loveit247

    Gold Member

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    Personally I would just come out and ask. Just say, why is it that you don't want to perform sexual acts on my anymore. If he does not answer just tell him that you won't be having a one sided sex life anymore. Simple.
    But then again, I am a hard arse! LOL!
     
  7. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    That you def are Loveit, but i have always prefered a more straight forward and confident woman.
     
  8. loveit247

    Gold Member

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    LOL! Not many men do. They always say they hate the guessing games but when a woman is straight up they don't like it.

    I am now a take me or leave me kind of girl.
     
  9. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    Well i am a different type of male i like to think at least.

    I am a more submissive type man, so i relate and enjoy a woman that can be straight to the point . :)
     
  10. LA_20

    LA_20 New Member

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    thanks for the advice, I think I'm going to bring it up Sunday. Friday he has a major family event and Saturday we're going out with a group of friends, and I don't want to bring it up when we wont have an opportunity to talk about it and truly work things out. Anyone else have a different opinion or want to share a similar story?
     
  11. heelfetish

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    I think you've worked out a great time to discuss it, but now my only advice is to actually go ahead and do it. I agree with Kronnie, most guys would prefer a women be straight with them. Tell him how you feel, and why you're feeling unwanted.

    My ex and I went through something similar, and in the end I think it was miscommunication that caused a lot of our problems. We were sexually active together, however the frequency of that sex was about once per year, sometimes twice. We were young, she said she didn't want a relationship 'based on sex'. She said sometimes my advances made her feel pressured. Taking that to heart, I stopped completely. I waited for her to initiate any sort of touching. This went on for months, and she never initiated anything. Finally she cheated on me.

    It turned out that she had changed her mind about wanting a sexual relationship. she just neglected to tell me. So here was me, thinking I was doing the right thing by not 'pressuring' her, but in reality, here was her thinking I was no longer interested in sex with her. Had we had proper communication, perhaps we could have avoided the cheating, the lies, the broken hearts, and so on and so forth. :(

    Oh, and one more thing: It's my experience and my opinion that any guy that doesn't appreciate a strong-willed woman is in fact somewhat weak themselves, and needs to feel like the dominant partner. If you're strong, be strong! :)
     
  12. jgood4u

    jgood4u New Member

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    On the other hand, you could put a little distance between you and see what his reaction is. Does absence make the heart grow fonder or does the space give you a chance to see if the attraction is really there before you have direct confrontation?
     
  13. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    Many couples tend to take each other for granted in a long term relationship...

    Sometimes one partner or even both let themselves go and feel they don't have to take care of themselves anymore... or do the special things they used to do to make their partner feel loved and special.

    For example.. In the beg. of my relationship I used to wake up and pull my g/f into me and hug her really tight and hold her for awhile before I got out of bed.

    She used to say how much she loved that and how safe she felt in my arms when I squeezed her....

    I would come up behind her while she was doing dishes and wrap my arm around her waist and kiss her neck... she said that was her favorite thing that I did.

    Then last Nov. she had her identity stolen and went through a legal nightmare...

    She wasn't the same and lost interest in sex...

    Everything was resolved by March, but she still was distant and she wasn't sexually agressive at all anymore.

    I talked with her about it over and over.. and things didn't get much better.

    I stopped doing all of the little things I used to do.. here and there I would still do them.. but not everyday...

    I felt hurt and was subconsciously pulling away from her.

    I realized this wasn't helping the situation and over the Summer I made it a point to hug her and cuddle with her in the mornings... come up behind her and kiss her.. etc.. eventhough at first I felt like it was a waste of time... that she wouldn't care or respond to it...

    But she did.. she told me how much she missed me doing those things... and now things are getting back to how they used to be. But I had to suck it up and stop feeling sorry for myself... and just be me. I had to be the guy she fell in love with.

    Relationships take work... there is no getting around it. Alot of people bail when the going gets tough. Many times I felt like giving up on my g/f... as much as I loved her, I was only human.

    I told myself if she isn't going to try anymore, why should I?

    But in my moments of reason, I knew that was the cowards way out, and I promised her I would be there for her as she went through this ordeal.

    I just kept waiting for her to become herself again.. what I didn't realize was that I had to keep being MYSELF as well.. to help her get back to normal.

    There are going to be tough times in every relationship.. it is how you deal with those problems that will determine how strong the bond between you and your partner is.
     
  14. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    LA-20, I just took the time to read your profile carefully.
    What I was looking for was your age but no where do you give it.
    I remember dating as a teen (I'm now 43) And many things can and will go wrong.
    Something you say can be taken seriously by a young impressionable guy.
    Things like, You go ahead I don't need sex. That little statement uttered to
    me when I was young would cause the same problem you are having now.
    Then again maybe you have acted like you didn't want sex or loving
    from him and he is only doing what a guy has to do to keep a level head.
    Seriously Girls tend to say one thing and mean another,
    You really should have a serious talk (And make sure that he understands
    that it is serious) And tell him exactly what you have told us and ask
    many questions as to why He is not touching and feeling you.
    Your desire to not have penetration is understandable if you have never
    been married or are a virgin and truly want to stay that way till marriage.
    Although truly I would never marry a Girl that wanted to stay a virgin
    as too many men found out that that it really meant that they didn't want sex.
    And I hope you luck, But a word of caution don't say any thing you don't
    mean, Keep it truthful and to the point.

    Hiker
     
  15. LA_20

    LA_20 New Member

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    A huge thanks to everyone for their thoughts.
    I've decided to make a really big effort to be affectionate and open to anything for the next day or two because I want to make sure that I give him every opportunity possible to try and show physical affection. If after a few days I don't sense any change, then it's time for a serious sit down. I'm dreading it on many levels but I know that if it comes down to it, I have to be strong and voice what's truly bothering me.
    I'll post back in a few days (hopefully with a positive update).
     
  16. heelfetish

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    I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you both. :)