Feeling remorseful and disgusted after 3som with 2 other guys

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by Sexwork, Sep 23, 2010.

  1. Sexwork

    Sexwork New Member

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    Hi everyone....new here and glad I found this forum. I needed to find a forum that would be willing to discuss this type of stuff which is great. The scenario involves 3 guys including myself.

    I had recently met a guy in a new town I moved to. We had been hanging out alot, almost daily.
    Well, couple days ago...He said a friend who he 'messed around with' for 2-3 years was inviting us 2 to stay at his place, and if I was okay with having a 3som. I said yes.

    But, during the time...him and the guy had unprotected anal sex 3 times in 1 night. I had only joined them once (safe) and then wanted to get some sleep. And then, after the all night fuck-fest til 5 am, the guy kicks me and my friend out tired and sleepy mentioning he had to go to work at the very last minute.

    My thing is like, whats wrong with this guy and his self-esteem that he would even allow himself to have regular casual and Bare sex with someone who treats him like a piece of disposable ass? He threatened to throw him out in the cold if he didn't get up...so HE could go to work. Yet afterwards, my friend had nothing to show for it but a sore butt, sleepy eyes and a hangover. This is after knowing each other for "2 or 3 years.

    I had a talk with him about how could he be so careless to be having unprotected sex with a FB who's probably screwing all these other guys...and how could he go spend time with this guy who doesn't give a crap about him other than to get his rocks off? The guy was afraid to mention his cellphone about to get cut off, but came and asked me...when he knows that I didn't have the means to do so and that I'd already 'paid my thanks' earlier that weekend by taking him and another lady friend of his for dinner and drinks. I was like, "you mean to tell me that after 5 hours of stop and go sex, that the guy couldn't even offer you any help with your phone bill so at the least you could keep in touch?" Thats horrible.

    For him to give himself so easy for someone, and to have known that guy for 3 years....I would expect more. The guy has no self-esteem or respect for himself, and when I bought this up to him...its as if no one has ever talked to him about this before. And the part about barebacking, I couldn't stress it to him enough and told him that I will not be having sex with him again and for him to get tested right away. And when my friend said he had to wait for me to arrive to pick him up beforehand, the other guy told my friend to "hurry up, or Im going to find someone else" It made me feel regretful for even participating with them.
     
    #1 Sexwork, Sep 23, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2010
  2. Mittimer

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    What exactly is it that you're asking us to answer?
     
  3. HardRocker

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    People who have indiscriminate sex, who measure sex against favors such as phone bills, who let others treat them as disposable, who treat others as disposable... are people any self respecting person should stay away from and consider it lesson learned.
    Notice I said self respecting... self esteem is overrated. Self respect is what makes for quality people. The guy that's a user of people is an example of inflated self esteem. The guy that gets used is an example of low self respect.

    I don't know what you were hoping for in a response, but that's just my 2 cents.
     
    #3 HardRocker, Sep 23, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2010
  4. young_gun_91

    young_gun_91 New Member

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    I think it depends how it makes him feel. If he doesn't mind it, then it is what it is. If it has him curled up in a ball crying (sorry, I couldn't really tell from your post) then he needs some serious help.
     
  5. Sexwork

    Sexwork New Member

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    I guess I was just wanting to share what happened and why I feel this way. I was going to just ask, "why did I feel this way after a 3som", but I sort of knew why...some people probabaly wouldn't understand it, but I just feel that since the guy was several years older than my friend, and my friend was the 'reciever' which technically made the deck stacked against him...he should have some respect and self-esteem to say, "hey man, I know what you want...but can you help me out too?"

    He is dillusioned because he thought that since he invited us to stay at his place (which was actually just a ploy to have an allnight fuck-fest, not nearly as a gesture of kindness), and that because he was also horny and wanted some too...that there was nothing wrong with the scenario.

    I know better than he....and I couldn't help but criticize their arrangement, and I didn't really feel the remorse until I seen them barebacking (which is why I only participated once) he mentioned at 4 am his needing to go to work, and then his distasteful departure the next morning.

    It just bothered me so much, that someone who I was also getting intimate with (sort of like an open relationship) could let themselves be treated so lowly by someone on a consistant basis.

    Edit: to the above post just made...when I mentioned this to him, he said he felt scared for having bareback sex and was speechless when I suggested him to stop making sex so easy for the guys, and that his way of being treated was unacceptable. I know for a fact he cried after our face-to-face conversation afterwards, but he couldn't show me that.
     
  6. Mittimer

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    The best thing I can suggest is both of you going, (Him because it's necessary) and you for general piece of mind and moral support, is to go to get tested for STD's now. All city health centers and county run clinics do it for free and most will even do a free HIV screening every 6 months for years after you've had unsafe sex with another man.

    Has he always been fucking this guy without a condom? Do you really know this friend that well? Do you not know that he may in fact have something against him that makes him feel...obligated to do such acts.

    The HIV virus can take 6 to 12 months or even years to rear it's ugly head. Every minute this guy has bareback sex with another man, it's another moment in time where he's potentially risking his life. This isn't a matter of self esteem or self respect anymore, he's playing Russian Roulette with his life, and that's dangerous.

    Furthermore, you shouldn't be having sex with someone "just because you needed a place to stay" That on your part was a big mistake. You were used and you were using them and you let yourself be manipulated into doing things that you most likely weren't too keen on.

    It flat out disturbs and disgusts me, the lack of care for one owns sexual well being into today's youth. This of which is COMING from one of those youths. Sex shouldn't be something you do for something in return, it should be something you give and it should always be done in a safe, sane and consensual manner. How does it feel to know that you were whoring yourself out? No, you didn't get money, but you did it in hopes that you would have a place to sleep. Yeah, the picture looks even more grim now doesn't it?

    Look at what's going on, the potential risks you took. You didn't know these guys well enough. A 3way is something that needs to be negotiated, boundaries need to be set, rules laid out in stone. You do not just jump into willy nilly and expect it to go off without a hitch.

    What were you thinking?

    I'm sorry if I come off as harsh, or a bitch, but it's things I need to say and things you need to hear.
     
  7. Mittimer

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    I just want to add something.
    I keep reading that line over and over again and my reaction to it..it's a mix of amusement and anger.

    Who are you to criticize the arrangement that he makes with his own body? Who are you to think you know better or are smarter then this guy is? Seriously?

    Why did you come in, sharing this story with us hoping for the reaction that a lot of giving you. They are only telling you what you want to hear. Your friend, I know he was acting irrational, unsafe ect, but you were too.

    JUST because you put a condom on doesn't mean anything. Your situation was just as bad if not worse then the one that your friend was in.
     
    #7 Mittimer, Sep 24, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2010
  8. Sexwork

    Sexwork New Member

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    Thats why I stated my feeling remorseful. I understand that I partly made a mistake....but atleast I didn't go bareback. I was equally angry when he said, "I was just trying to help you out, by getting him to let us stay for the night". Help me out how, by getting an STD and then possibly passing it on to me the next time we have sex? The help was indirect and actually just meeting his desires, not mine.

    Again, those 2 were having sex all night...and I could barely sleep in the bed being awakened by it. Now, I told him even prior to his being invited to his house, that he needed to make sure this guy paid his phone bill. I just cannot understand the concept of him giving him all this sex, then being dragged out of bed the next morning at 6 am.

    Even if my friend fully consented to it, I let him know how damaging it actually was...and he had no choice but to agree to every word I was saying. He knew it was wrong to be doing bareback orgasm sex, he knew it was wrong to be doing it all for nothing, he knew it was wrong that in the 2-3 years they known each other, that the guy never took him anywhere but to the backroom of his apartment.

    All in all, he came off as an easy slut...and I told him that after that 3som, my feelings and the way I viewed him completely changed. I expected it to just be a fun 3way...but they turned it into a 2way between him and the guy, doing stuff married people would do. If he were a woman, there would be an unwanted child on the way...So its NOT okay just because they are gay.
     
  9. Mittimer

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    You're still just making him out to be a bad person, avoiding the fact that this too, is about you.

    Can you explain to me why you feel you only "partially" made a mistake?
     
  10. Sexwork

    Sexwork New Member

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    Because, this was their invite. Just because I participated in the 3som does not make me at fault. It didn't help to prevent the situation, but recap...this man called my friend prior to my being invited. My friend was going to go have sex with him regardless! Yet, he had the nerve to ask ME to help him pay his phone bill.

    The hell? Shoot...you wanna open your legs to some man who calls you up, then you need to make that his responsiblity. Why in the sandhill should I be paying his phone bill so he can go off and get bum f*cked on the a** bareback by another guy? I guess I am also disgusted by his initial offer to take up on having sex with this guy prior to their calling me to invite me into a 3som. Whats the purpose of him having sex with this guy, when his phone is going to be disconnected and guy wont pay for it?

    His excuse? Because he was never used to getting anything growing up, and that the times he did ask men for stuff; they'd accuse him of being a prosititute and that they could 'get it for free'

    My response: well then let them find someone else, but dont you go shagging them if they dont care about your well-being! Its their loss, not yours!
     
    #10 Sexwork, Sep 24, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2010
  11. Mittimer

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    Ok, so basically you're just here to bitch and vent about how shitty someone you have romantic and/or sexual feelings for.

    What is it that you're truly angry about? That he's having unprotected sex with someone behind your back? That he's asking you for money? That you don't agree with his relationship with someone else even though you're in an "Open relationship"

    You are an adult. You are in an adult relationship. An open adult relationship nonetheless. When doing so, you are responsible for asking questions and getting answers about previous and current sexual partners that YOUR sexual/intimate partner is with.
    If you can't take that responsibility, ask the proper question and get the honest answers, maybe you shouldn't be in an open relationship.
     
  12. Sexwork

    Sexwork New Member

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    I was just upset about a variety of things. Succinctly put, he was screwing with a guy who wasn't even that attractive, who didn't give crap about him, and who treated him like disposable ass.

    And he, like an idiot ran behind him for 3 years! When I told him all this, a light bulb went off because his mother never teaches him how to do with men, his brother makes him feel bad for being gay, and his girl-friend is in a relationship where they guy treats her like shit, and then comes crawling back.

    My philosophy is this: Anybody who is acquiented or friends, or has sex with me has to learn that I will not tolerate them being disrespected by anyone. My friends are a reflection of me. When they are being disrespected, used, mistreated...I am too. That does not fly in my world. There are ways of helping someone, and being in an open relationship without being a disposable piece of ass.
     
  13. Mittimer

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    But in the same breath, you have to realize. If this is how he is, how he WANTS to be, then who are you to change him?

    You're right though, there is a way to be in a fulfilling open relationship without being or feeling like a disposable piece of ass. You have to realize when to talk away though. If someone doesn't want to change themselves and he continues to do the same thing he's been dong for 3 years, you have to do it for yourself and walk away from a potentially harmful relationship.

    I have to ask something personal. Have you had unprotected oral or anal sex with him?
     
  14. Sexwork

    Sexwork New Member

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    I had unprotected oral with him, but not anal...He makes it seem as if he doesn't do bareback with everyone, but I bet if I wanted to I could have easily convinced him to do otherwise...meaning other guys have someone convinced him to do so.