Feeling left out

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by NHKitten, Jul 30, 2014.

  1. NHKitten

    NHKitten Member

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    I've been on an emotional roller coaster the past few weeks. Hubby and I are connecting like never before and it is really awesome. I know I should just live in the now and forget the past, but I am really feeling hurt. Now that he is opening up about the things he has been keeping to himself and admitting that he has had in depth discussions with another woman about those things I'm having trouble with my own emotions. At first I thought I was scared of losing him, but I know he loves me and wouldn't leave. I have spent a while tonight thinking about it and I realized I'm actually just deeply hurt. Not because he talked to her exactly, more because he didn't feel like he could talk to me. I feel like even though things are getting better now that I totally failed as a wife for so long. There is a whole side to him that he never felt he could show me before. We have been together for 14 years and married for 9 and somehow I was never supportive enough for him to talk to me. Also after a very long dry spell for us where I always felt he just didn't want sex I find out he's horny pretty much all of the time but wouldn't come to me. Things are improving but I still feel like I barely know him now. I'm scared to talk to him about it too much because I don't want him to feel like I'm invading his privacy but I really hate that there are things he doesn't tell me since I tell him everything. OK, I'll stop venting now, I just would really love some thoughts on this. How does everyone else handle their lover's secrets?
     
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  2. Cappy_Dick

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    Sounds like you are moving forward well. You can't change the past. So, leave it behind and keep moving forward.

    xx
     
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  3. bettyisback

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    I agree that the past is the past BUT it depends what those past secrets involve. I'd lived for a long time with my now ex keeping secrets (badly) from me, then I discovered one that was beyond anything I could tolerate, which is why he's now my EX.

    Trust is everything and if he's keeping things from you, can you trust him? Moving forward, you really shouldn't have secrets if you want a healthy, happy relationship.
     
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  4. NHKitten

    NHKitten Member

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    I'm trying, but it is so hard. It almost feels like someone else took a piece of the person I love and even though I'm getting it back bit by bit it seems like it's no longer just mine. I actually quite hate feeling this way. I loathe myself for this feeling inside. I want to forget it, I want to accept that even though we had troubles things are getting better and hopefully we will be good again. It's my reaction to all of this that is what upsets me more than the hurt itself. One of my friend's posits that hubby got too comfortable with our relationship and that is why we got so distanced. If that is the case then I hate comfortable! I like secure, but I never wanted to lose the intimacy we had once. Comfortable sucks and I can't understand why anyone would want comfortable in a relationship if it means you are no longer interested in your partner.
     
  5. NHKitten

    NHKitten Member

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    Thanks Betty. I trust him for the most part. I'll admit that trust is something I'm working quite hard on since learning all of the secrets is something that shakes trust. I want to trust fully but really as long as there is anything hidden I don't know if I can. Like I said I really want to. I want to never question anything. I want to know that I am the only one he has feelings for. I don't care if he looks at others in a sexual way, but it's personal connection that really is bothering me. I am actively working on it in myself, this post is part of me working on it. Getting the thoughts out of my head and into print.
     
  6. RubyAsh

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    Being willing to start putting those thoughts out in the open and admitting that you're both again moving forward with your relationship, it's already a very good sign.
    You mention that your biggest issues was that, although hubby talked about his deeper issues with another woman, you feel that he should have come to you rather than to her in the first place, but have you ever considered that perhaps he was scared of confronting you with whatever it was he felt the need to talk about? Perhaps he needed reassurance that whatever the topic was, a woman would not reject him? Perhaps he did what he thought was a 'try out' to opening up with this woman friend of his before coming to you?
    Not knowing anything more about the issues discussed, I think the fact that he opened up to someone for advice and then spoke to you could have actually been a wise move from his part. Sometimes it is easier to open up to a friend than it is to open up to a loved one. After all, that's what we all say good friends are for, right?
    Also, it is so easy to get comfortable with long term relationships that often one forgets about the deeper (changing) needs of the other. We also think we know so well the other person, but perhaps that person bottled up some deeper emotions/feeling/wishes from the very start of the relationship because he/she thought the other would not accept them.
    It is good that you two talk. If he finally told you about his issues then he's probably ready to talk about it with you some more. Don't be scared to ask him questions. If you don't ask, he might even assume that you're not interested, which in turn might prompt him to go looking for someone he can talk to again.
     
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  7. NHKitten

    NHKitten Member

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    We talked a bit before he had to leave for work this morning. I talked to him about all of this some more and how I was feeling about it. He opened up to me some more and we are going to work harder on getting more of his stuff out in the open. I think part of what is still kind of bugging me (and we talked about it) is the fact that he didn't decide to tell me because he was wanting to tell me, it was because I found pictures on our computer and confronted him about them. Don't get me wrong, I am immensely glad I found them since it has opened doors that have been locked and shuttered for years. I totally understand that he has his emotional side in this as well. I'm just trying to hash out my emotions a bit more. It has been a lot of years of pain, hurt and anger and just 2 1/2 weeks of change. It takes time for wounds like that to scar!
     
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  8. Doitagain

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    Well you should happy that a door has opened. I am in a long term relationship and our communication is terrible when it comes to sex. We both know it and when we start to talk about it usually someone gets uncomfortable and it stops. There has been baby steps. I understand how you feel about him sharing with someone else because I am on bboth ends of it. I know she discusses things but with friends not males as far as I know but in general she is much less adventurous in sex and never has been. She just isn't comfortable with herself and reads to much into sexual desires. I share here and with friends not a specific woman in my home life but I know what I have done in the past and some of what I like she will never accept. So all I can do is slowly talk about things over time and compromise. We may never be completely on the same page but it can be better. So yes after so long of no communication about sex for so long I can see how it can be hard but be happy it started now. If he didn't love you he would have found someone else to do it with in my opinion. The door is open walk through together and don't let the past eat at you too much but use it as a reminder to communicate but not confrontational
     
  9. oldkid

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    For a moment I thought my wife had joined the forum. I went through much the same scenario up until about a year ago. Stop. Reset. Put your arms around him and say: "I love you". He's a keeper. Try not to dwell on it. We all have pasts, some of us weren't perfect.
     
  10. NHKitten

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    Today has been quite great actually! We are doing a lot of talking (texting) while he has been at work. It has been amazing and hot as hell. I so wish he could play sick and come home but they are short staffed for the day. The only staffing I want is his in me, lol! We will get through this! Thank you all so very much for giving me the chance to vent and also helping me figure it out a bit more!
     
  11. oldkid

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    Hoorayyy- Hope you keep that smile on your face and keep moving forward. SmileyBighug.gif
     
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  12. John W

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    It's hard to open up sometimes. As a guy, you still don't know what your wife will think about your feelings and desires, no matter how long you are together. Sounds like you are on the right track. Have fun with each other!
     
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  13. NHKitten

    NHKitten Member

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    Just keeps getting better the past few days! We just keep getting closer. Hashing out these feelings on here the other night really made a huge difference in being able to communicate to him what was going on with me in a better way! Thank you all for giving me a chance to talk it out and also your inputs!
     
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  14. John W

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    That's great! Once we opened up, things got a lot better. We are completely open, sometimes saying things that do spark jealousy. However, I think it makes the relationship stronger.
     
  15. NHKitten

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    I will admit there are times where I get a twinge of pain from learning things about his desires if I know I can do nothing to fill that niche. However I am glad he is willing to share them. I do try to not show him that some things are very hard for me to hear. Unless of course it is important to our relationship that he knows it's not good for me.
     
  16. rockypeak

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    There's a reason for secrets. Keep them that way!! I have so many secrets from so many people that I have to keep secret spreadsheets to keep track of them. Only problem is I that I put a secret password on my secret spreadheet and I forgot where I put it. I asked myself for help, but I was told it was a secret..
     
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  17. Alwayslearningsex

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    That reminds me of my ex wife, I felt she was not receptive and open minded, even my kids don't like talking to her much today.
    If your hubby is open minded and receptive, it should be safe to take a tactful approach to let him know the hurt it caused you but you understand why he did what he did. Yo write like you understand and thismakes things look safe.
    In my case, I wanted to share things with my ex and without kids I would have walked away earlier in my life.
    I wanted to share but her ways destroyed my trust, she sensed it and couldn't trust me as she always thought I was up to something.
    Loking back at this side of my life, I hope you can see similarities and move on, turn it in a positive and make your relationship be what you want it to be. You may have to accept a few unknowns though - this is my opinion though, I left things out of her knowledge (nothing bad really) because of her closed mind but I always did my part to be supportive and to be there.
     
  18. NHKitten

    NHKitten Member

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    We have both opened up about everything at this point. Fairly certain there are no skeletons in either of our closets that have not been fully explored since my original post. I have even shared things with him that I never thought I would share with another human being, not secrets really, just inner thoughts that are on the far less "acceptable" side of "normal" lol. It has grown us exponentially in such a short time. That said there is a lot of work to still be done. Having all of the information out there is an amazing first step. Both of us are still in the stages of sorting it and adjusting. We have both shared the things we love about each other, but also some of the things that we would each like to see improved in our relationship. Most things in that case are not directly related to bedroom stuff as we are connecting quite well in our intimate lives. More of the things that need work are related to daily life and the way we talk to each other. I have asked him to be more direct with me and he has asked me to work on being a bit less so. I have been very direct, honest, and blunt with people my entire life. I often fail at "sugar coating" any negative thoughts and the result has often been described as "brutal honesty." I have always quite valued people who are willing to "tell me like it is" and I often have extreme difficulty with understanding subtle criticism. I also have a horrible time recognizing dry sarcasm which is funny since hubby is about the most sarcastic man on the planet and he often gets to laugh when I completely miss his sarcasm and try to explain things. Luckily I do not take it as an insult and usually end up laughing as well. My social skills really kind of suck in general but I am constantly attempting to improve them. Hubby and I are both committed to this new phase in our lives together. It is like meeting someone new all over again in some ways. This open communication means that all of the things we held back for fear of hurting the other or ourselves are now able to be voiced, dealt with appropriately, and the negative things that have been bottled up and putrefying can be cleansed away and forgotten!
     
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  19. Alwayslearningsex

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    :) !! way to go
    in my case i was stuck in a pattern where things I did and said were analyzed, and if there was some "discussion" where she was RIGHT, boy was she ever right, and if wrong, she found a way of steeing right.
    Hence the lack of trust in sharing with her, loss of desire - I didn't even want sex with her anymore yet I discover the desire for sex was still much alive although I literally took matters in my hands. That also preventing me showing my horniness to her at home once relieved.
    I am very glad to read things are looking up for you.
     
  20. 10_3XL

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    What NHKitten has done - the complete openness and honesty - is definitely something I agree with and endorse. With my current S.O. we have what we call our Full Disclosure Non-Confidentiality agreement. What that means is that between her and I there are no secrets allowed. It's a very hard practice as many thoughts, feelings, and other things we don't even like admitting to ourselves - let alone anybody else! However, in the long run, it greatly strengthens a relationship - operating under the assumption that all involved are mature enough to handle the God's Honest Truth on all things! Admittedly there are still pangs, twinges, pokes, and stabs at various times that occur (we're only human, after all), but we talk through them. It has done nothing but good for my relationship.

    (Now I will wait for somebody to jump on this and be like, "You're an idiot. You've gotta keep some secrets!")
     
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