Feel like im going nowhere

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by quencho092, Aug 9, 2007.

  1. quencho092

    quencho092 New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2007
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    My 'lover' so to speak, has been on vacation for 3 weeks. I am horrible at communicating over the phone. I am incapable of constructing meaningful conversation over the phone-i need to see faces, eyes, body language, etc to fully speak to someone.

    With me, relationships fall apart over the phone, and flourish in person. I'm just like that. For the past 2 and a half weeks, our relationship has been deteriorating alot and it sucks. Over the phone, i sometimes get bored and start to play psychological games for fun, attempt to read their minds, etc...it's just boring.

    But i feel like im going nowhere with this girl at the moment. And i also feel like the great progress we were building while she was here is fading fast. At least she gets back this week, but wow, does this happen to anyone else?

    My relationship with my ex fell apart completely because of conversations we had over the phone, and we didnt have much time to be seeing eachother in person. I dont want this to keep on happening.
     
  2. pulkpull

    pulkpull New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2007
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Philly, PA
    this is very common when couples are separated by long distances. the relationship i had with my gf from high school fizzled out within weeks of us both going off to college. it's a big reason why "long distance" relationships rarely last.

    in your case, it's probably only temporary. you'll just have to see if you can rekindle the feelings you had for her once she returns.
     
  3. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    3,754
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Northern Indiana
    If a relationship falls apart in 3 weeks.
    Then I would think you didn't really have much going
    And it's probably for the better if it doesn't get rekindled.

    Hiker
     
  4. quencho092

    quencho092 New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2007
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    the thing is that we had so much in common and got along so well, and i could tell she loved being around me, it's kinda like as if she was perfect for me.

    I think it's another guy. If a girl admits she has very strong feelings for you both physically and emotionally, and you've kept close contact with each other for a few months, then all of the sudden she just says 'oh i just want to see you as a friend from now on'.....i dont think you could fall out of love with someone in a split second, unless someone else has caught your eye.
     
  5. Bluesy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2006
    Messages:
    3,779
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Female
    Not necessarily, sweetie. It happens sometimes (it's certainly happened to me) that you develop a strong attraction to someone early on, but over the course of time you come to realize that the two of you aren't as compatible as you'd originally thought...and the desire fizzles out accordingly. You may think the two of you were "perfect" together, but she may have forseen major problems stemming from an area, or areas, of disconnect, that were just too important to overlook.

    It's nothing "personal" in the sense that it is very challenging to find someone you really click with on every level.
     
  6. quencho092

    quencho092 New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2007
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    it might be because im sometimes a sporadic asshole without restraint. Like i cant tell white lies or force myself to be nice, ever.

    but some things also put me in a really bad mood, and sometimes she would do that too often like as if it were on purpose. For example, she had a casual relationship with another guy once. She would sometimes get carried away about the things they used to do, and how he would finger her in public places, how she loved how he would cum really quickly in her mouth sometimes after mere seconds of oral sex, and i really didnt want to hear about that. It's like me saying-oh wow, i used to have amazing sex with this other girl who wasn't as chubby as you and she would turn me on so much i'd ejaculate multiple times during our love making sessions. She would also tell me about how huge her ex boyfriend's penis was. She had said that the guy from the 'friends with benefits' fling was alot smaller than me though, but i really didnt care about things she did with these other guys, it would simply piss me off to hear her go on and on about it.

    Yeah, im thinking about it more in hindsight without being blinded by my strong attraction to her, and im starting to see alot of discrepancies, and qualities about her that i hated but overlooked because i wanted her so bad. She also tends to try to hide alot of things that i would consider important; issues that i had already shared with her, but she refused to be open with me about any of it.

    When ive talked to her lately, it has made me feel like total crap. She indirectly implies that im an ass, and that im weird during conversations, and gives me a sarcastic tone like she's being hostile or something. This is simply no good, it makes me feel depressed just talking to her, even if its just a few text messages, or much worse-a phone call. I decided to cut off all ties with her, and will avoid seeing her in person again.
     
  7. Bluesy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2006
    Messages:
    3,779
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Female
    I think the most important lesson I've learned from my past relationships is that they should bring out the best in you. Interacting with your partner should leave you feeling (for the most part) like a happier, better person. If you feel drained, rejected, if your self-esteem gets kicked around one way or another, and this happens on a regular basis, it's no good. You don't have to be able to pick your conversations to pieces and pinpoint the exact words that did it...all you have to do is know how they make you feel, and be willing to not rationalize it away. Too many couples start out on the wrong foot and continue sinking deeper and deeper into a dysfunctional relationship until it's too difficult to extricate themselves without causing major upheavel (you're renting a place together, you have a kid, etc.). You have something to be grateful for, you cut it off before you got in even deeper. And now you've learned a bit more about what you won't tolerate in a relationship, and what you need to have. That's good stuff.

    This is definitely going to continue causing problems in future relationships. I hope you'll seriously consider finding a new therapist, because you really need someone to help pull you out of this dark, angry, mildly misanthropic place you're in.

    To better days and happier relationships, hon. :toast
     
  8. quencho092

    quencho092 New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2007
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Im figuring out how i work more and how to deal with it. I think that one of my problems is that when someone refuses to be open to me about something that i need to know, and they hide it like as if im not worth telling it to, it slowly bubbles until i snap.

    I talked everything over with her. She said she still had feelings for me, but thought i didn't want to be with her because of the way i acted so she managed to erase her strong attraction to me over time because she thought i would never want to be closer to her. At one point in time, shortly after we met, we had a conversation and 'mutually agreed' that we were not attracted to eachother. Now we both confessed that we were attracted to eachother but did not want to initiate any forward movement to prevent getting put down.

    I think the one thing i have going for me is that i am brutally honest most of the time. We both answered all of eachother's questions and left the conversation with the floating possibility that we might get together again. A problem that she had was that she couldn't get any of my hints, such as flirting, so she continued to think that i didnt want her.

    If this doesn't work out, maybe ill find someone who enjoys my quirky, blunt personality in the future.
     
  9. shwartz73

    shwartz73 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2007
    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Long distance relationships usually fade after a while. It seems as both of you are going in different directions and the best thing to do is to end it. Use your energy to find someone with your same interests and spark.
     
  10. quencho092

    quencho092 New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2007
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    it was only a two week vacation, and we're seeing eachother again. She said that she had an encounter with her ex boyfriend, and he started calling her again, but she didnt bother with him because he had kinda used her before. But that gave her alot of mixed feelings and she didnt want to get me involved or anything, but now that her head is clear and she opened up about all that she feels like she could continue seeing me.