Feel awkward about a long term relationship

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by crayola, May 14, 2007.

  1. crayola

    crayola New Member

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    I'm going into my third year of a great relationship, and there's a growing possibility that this might become a lifelong endeavor. Lately, I've been thinking about this a lot, surely making a bigger deal out of it than it should be. Before me, my girlfriend had one sexual partner, and a few oral sex partners. Before her, I once fingered a girl (and did an awful job at it) through her pants. In other words, I never even saw a vagina.

    So, as the days keep going past, I am thinking more and more "Wow, I might only have sex with one person my whole life" and "I wonder if it's smart to have sex with more people to be sure I am ready for this commitment". Of course, I can't just say "hey honey, I want to have sex with someone else just to see what I'm missing if that's cool..."

    These are transient thoughts, and I don't take them too seriously. However, I'd like to know what you guys think. How would you feel if you knew you would be with one partner your whole life? Would you want to try sex with other people? If so, do you think it's important, or just a fleeing desire? At times, I know it doesn't matter one bit. At other times, I am so resentful of my sexual past compared to hers, and I realize she is relatively innocent in the scheme of things. Is anyone else bothered by a similar situation?
     
  2. JS1980

    JS1980 New Member

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    I've been sexually active for 3 years and engaged for 6 months. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have sex with other women, like it's an experience I'm missing out on. There's not too many people like us who can say they've only been with one person. In the end, it's worth it (I hope!).
     
  3. sexaholic

    sexaholic New Member

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    Sure I have... I had just two short relationships prior to my SO, both were sexual but the sex was shite; as for my SO... well, that story is much more complicated and uncool.

    Anyway, yes, I've thought about it. In fact my parents after going out with my SO for two years kinda asked me if I didn't think that was enough and how I should really 'explore' more at my age... I was kind of shocked since my parents are usually the most supportive people in the world. About half a year later I started to think about that myself, as you say, in a transient kind of a way... Shouldn't I explore? I'm still young, blah blah blah blah.

    I wasn't really even that sexually curious about the other people, to tell the truth or anything else (sex was great, intellectual-emotional compatibility was super), but was just kind of troubled at the prospect of being in only one serious relationship, while most people my age were having a fling after fling.

    Never did think about breaking it off seriously, but I'd catch the thought here and there. I put it to rest by simply noting about the fact that if I break it off, whatever relationship I end up with at the end of my exploration, it was not gonna be her but someone else. That pretty much ended it because I could not bear such a scenario. I knew in my gut that sexual/emotional compatibility would be VERY DIFFICULT to achieve again, if ever.


    Now I think I was stupid though... I look at so many of my friends who go out with complete assholes or obvious incompatibles for like the 17th time, and they then ask me why do men/women have to such jerks or whatever. And I've got nothing to say in such a situation, and I'm glad. I haven't thought about this in probably about six years.


    P.S: My parents have since (this was a pretty long time ago now) told me they were wrong, something they never do ;)
     
  4. crayola

    crayola New Member

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    Sexaholic,

    I appreciate your thoughtful responses to my posts.

    I only feel unnerved by the situation when I'm in an insecure mood. Usually, I'm pretty easy going and confident, and in this state of mind I always say to myself "I could fuck a 15 year old highschool girl if I wanted. It would be terrible. Sex is just sex. Love is what's important" and I usually dismiss the thoughts.

    Yeah, in the end, sex is not special. Love is special. I think I feel insecure about this sometimes because I can imagine another guy having sex with my girlfriend, but I have no memory to use against her of me having sex with another girl. However, this is a problem in my mind (and probably other men's) and not her problem.

    I wouldn't ever risk my relationship to find out.
     
  5. crayola

    crayola New Member

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    Here's a good way to look at it.

    You will end up with someone you love, which is what even the most oversexed people eventually cry themselves to sleep over.

    If it doesn't work out, then you can go sleep around and you will have a lot of sex.

    So, either way there is a bright side.
     
  6. Hjack

    Hjack New Member

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    this dialogue i just read means more to me then i may express here. crayola...think about this. if you were to "try" others, to allow yourself to feel better/more secure before settling down for the remainder of your life with one partner...would you be okay if she did too? would you be alright with her seeing others? if the answer is no, then you need to stick it out. i made the biggest mistake of my life over this same issue. and i almost lost the love of my life over it. what ensued was far more painful and confusing then your self doubt and worry about a lack of sexual partners ever could be. trust me. count yourself lucky. if the relationship ends, it ends. but do not end it prematurely do to these thoughts EVER. i know you said you wouldn't but seriously...even if its the same years from now. i believe this has potential to be an interesting thread, so i hope more come to share their opinions. especially those with more life experience then me...(not quite 19 lol).
     
  7. Joe

    Joe
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    I married my high school sweetheart. We were both virgins when we met. Thirty years later we divorced (still almost virgins, but that's another story). Up until that point I'd never had sex with anyone else, and I don't think she had either. I wish our marriage could have worked better; I never wanted to have sex with anyone else. (I looked, I may have drooled, but I never really wanted to cheat.)

    As long as you can be happy with each other, you're not missing out on anything.

    Ideally, I think everyone should have a little experience with others before getting married -- not just sex, but a real relationship where you're living together. You learn from others. I learned from my first marriage so the second one was better. I learned much more from the second one, even though she died in our fourth year together. I've been with many women (15 or so), but I learned most of everything I know about relationships and sex from those two. (From the first one, what NOT to do, and from the second, what TO do.) I'm now perfect. :lol

    But to cheat or breakup for the sake of gaining experience would be crazy. If you stay together for life and are happy into your golden years, that would be perfect, imho. Chances are you won't, but at least you'll have this relationship to draw upon for guidance with the next, so do your best to make it work, and you'll be ahead of the game however it turns out.
     
  8. HouseHunny

    HouseHunny New Member

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    You have a lot of great advice being thrown at you here. It is always reassuring to see there are many men out there who know how to exercise their self control and look deeper than saying they want more sex..with more women. There is so much room for exploration between the two of you, so I am sure that as long as you keep it interesting, you should be great together. I know people who crave the stability of one relationship and true love, they are having lots of sex to wake up the next day alone do that over and over again. I guess you just have to look at the big picture. We will always be able to think about all the what ifs in our lives...I you were to break up with her and moved on she will be the one big what if that will drive you nuts in the future.
     
  9. sexaholic

    sexaholic New Member

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    Oh yeah... if you're lucky enough to have a partner with whom you click so well, chance is you're gonna keep it fresh and gonna go at each other like bunnies. I know we do, in our (almost) ninth year more than ever.

    Stable relationships do enjoy the most sex, that is pretty much a well known scientific fact.

    And yeah, there's gonna have to be more than sex. I mean, I know this is a sex site, I know that my name is sexaholic, but it's not the part of the relationship I cherish the most. But it is a great thing too, no doubt about it :)
     
  10. JS1980

    JS1980 New Member

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    No, I'm thankful everyday that I have a potential life-long partner whom I have an awesome sex life with. We connect very well on a personal level, an emotional level, and a sexual level. There won't be a break up nor will there be anyone else for me to have sex with; I've accepted that. I am just like you, though. While I'm glad I was able to give my virginity to her, I do sometimes wonder what the teenage sex experimentation would have been like. My fiance got to have five other guys (two were one-timers), but on the other hand I'm glad I got to skip straight to the best sex of my life. In that sense, I wouldn't have it any other way.
     
  11. cbrmale

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    Sex is just sex, but love is special. If your sex life now is good, then it may well be as good as it gets. Sometimes casual sex can be special, but often it is awkward and sometimes leaves you feeling very empty. Sex with someone you love is always special, sometimes brilliant.

    I hope it goes well for you for the futre. And remember this for you and your partner: the more you love someone, the more you want to have sex with them. And when you have sex with someone special, you love that person even more.
     
  12. JS1980

    JS1980 New Member

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    I agree with you completely. My sex life is the best it's ever been, I love my fiance more than ever, and I find myself wanting to make love and/or cuddle with her more often, especially during the 4 nights she's not here. What we have is brilliant and magical and it's something I doubt could ever be duplicated by another woman. Reading what you wrote has greatly decreased my curiosity for another woman and for that, I thank you.
     
  13. lickablesue

    lickablesue New Member

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    this thread has to be the most informative and for me heart breaking one i have read so far, i have only ever once loved anyone so much that i would have done anything for him. but like you he had not been with anyone and at the time, i had slept with one guy. only thing was he thought about it so much, no matter how much he said it did not matter it really did, till one time it all became to much for him and he slept with someone else only once. but he could never fogive himself. months of trying to make things right failed. he was racked with guilt and so was i, i felt guilty and ashamed that i had slept with someone before him and felt somehow what he had done was my fault. things were never the same again after 6 months we split up and he left to live in the states. so i guess what im trying to say if your so in love, forget about anyone else or even wanting anyone else, dont even think about it and yes i know thats hard. but dont lose the love of your life for sex its not worth it. just love her with all your heart and the rest is icing on the cake, good luck, i will pray for you. love sue
     
  14. Joe

    Joe
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    If your fiancee's former flings bother you, another way to look them is like this:
    You love her just as she is.
    Without that experience she'd be a little different.
    Therefore, appreciate everything that's made her what she is today. Everything.

    It works for me.
     
  15. nnnnn

    nnnnn New Member

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    It's a tough situation... but when is enough? If you had already had 3 sexual partners, would you be tempted to say "why not 4?"
     
  16. JS1980

    JS1980 New Member

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    Her former partners don't bother me in the least. She got tested after every one, so I know she's clean. It's her first partner that gave her the experience, although that one was the crappiest bf and a bad lover. Apparently she would still be a virgin if she didn't give in to his demands to have sex at age 17. She has shown remorse over it a few time before, mainly because I was a virgin and she wasn't. It's ok though, she gave me experience in return. I wouldn't have had it any other way; I'm glad she knew what to do and in what position to do it in (her on top). I believe everything I've done with her emotionally and sexually has been the best thing I could have done and we are extremely close because of it. One life long partner to make love to or 100 life long partners to have sex with...who wouldn't pick the former?