Failure to orgasm with partner

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by Rom, Jul 31, 2006.

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  1. Rom

    Rom New Member

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    My girlfriend said she has never orgasmed with a partner. She is able to orgasm by herself, though. With a partner she gets close to orgasm but will stop you at that point. Her explanation is that it gets too intense, and if the partner persisted she ended up really angry or even crying.

    Secondary anorgasmia is common, however I would like to know what I could do and if it is possible to overcome this block. There are a number of psychological factors involved: (1) she was raised in an extremely religious family where sex was always portrayed as negative, (2) she was molested at 8 years of age and never believed, (3) her first sexual experience was almost forced, while she just wanted foreplay, the man penetrated her without her expecting it, (4) she has had several other partners that seem to have been clumsy and unknowing about sexual technique. There maybe other things leading to this block.

    Orgasm is largely about relaxing as far as I have read... I suggested that perhaps we masturbate together to see if she would get comfortable with me in a supporting role. Also we could get drunk or perhaps try marijuana (I have never tried it before) to relax her and minimize inhibitions. An option would be to see a counselor, however I am not sure she would consider such an option. What other suggestions would you have for us and specifically for me in this situation?

    Most of my other partners were able to orgasm. I am largely a giver during sexual play, and like to explore all possible erogenous areas over the entire body. I am also usually able to make many women come just through extensive oral stimulation without penetration. Now, though, I am frustrated and even though I get her pre-orgasmic, she stops me abruptly, and pushes me away, which really makes me upset. She does get highly aroused and lubricated. I don't want to push as that would put presure and make it even harder for her to orgasm, but I am frustrated and unsatisfied. What do I do?
     
  2. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    Time and patience and understanding. Getting over just one of those issues is difficult, but she has several. She needs to know that you can be there for her, and accept her boundaries, and she will trust you to help explore and expand those boundaries.

    Alcohol may loosen inhibitions. I know I orgasm more strongly when I've been drinking, I don't hold myself back as much. I have had the problem of not allowing myself to let go, especially during oral.
     
  3. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Your ideas sound great, tempered with patience, as Melicious said.
    There is a bonafide Sex Therapist on this list, so maybe he can interject some professional opinions for you to try.

    Why do you think she would not consider counseling?
     
  4. Rom

    Rom New Member

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    Thanks Rose and Mel... I want more input... I don't know...
     
  5. Emt

    Emt New Member

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    Rom-

    First off, due to her history of abuse/assault, this probably is something much deeper than we can cover in a few internet replies. I would HIGHLY reccommend GOING WITH HER to counseling. I can't stress this enough. There's a lot of steps that take place in therapy that you can't do through conversations/sexual techniques at home.

    Second, was there any physical dammage that her gynocologist detected recently? Even though she was young, an unwanted sexual assault could have left a very serious injury inside of her vagina/cervix/pelvic region.

    How open has she been with her gyno about the abuse and what counseling has already been attempted?

    You'd be amazed what an up front and open approach combining gyno examinations together with trauma therapy can accomplish.

    Please feel free to ask more questions! You can never know too much!

    Good luck and I hope everything works out.

    -Emt
     
  6. Rom

    Rom New Member

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    It's interesting - she had a number of cysts, one of which actually ruptured... She was supposed to get an MRI and also follow with her OB but it seems she does not check with the doctor or have regular visits...

    I don't want to bring the question of counseling yet especially before she is more comfortable with the whole situation. I feel bad though...

    I'm a giver as I said, and sometimes I go a long time eating her out, yet she feels like I'm trying to make her come, which I am not, I just enjoy it myself... So where do you stop? Do you just do it for 5 minutes and leave... I don't know, how does that work? Oh well...

    Thanks for some really good insight guys, I appreciate it...
     
  7. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    You are both young. At this age, no matter how long ago the abuse was, it's likely very fresh and forefront in her mind...something she is trying to deal with as she fully crosses over into adulthood. What she wants and needs sexually and emotionally is going to change often and frequently. So I think you should be sure not to set yourself to any "routine" or standard, such as a length of time to do one thing. More importantly, learning how to communicate very openly will help you both immensely. There are two issues, I believe, in the healing of trauma of this sort. One is dealing with the issue, and it's important that she know she can do that at her own pace. The other is trust.....trusting the person one is with after a history of abuse. So, I urge you to work on being the one she can trust, and the dealing with the issue will fall into place.
     
  8. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Another approach may be to spend an entire evening (night), in bed.... candle light, movies or music, wine, make it very romantic. The catch, however, is for YOU to resolve within yourself that this will NOT be an evening of fucking. Instead, make it an evening of gentle foreplay, then back off.... pour a glass of wine, sit on the edge of the bed and talk... then it may move back into some more foreplay - but not for too long, before you again 'back off'" ... just cuddle & talk a bit...Do it all night if you can.
    Dunno - it might help. Just an idea, anyway. It's almost like "edging" from orgasm, only you're "edging" from sex. And don't expect sex this night. Go into this night for her. You say you are a giving person in foreplay and sex. this will probably be the biggest challenge ever! (I suggest some Serious masturbation beforehand! :lol)
     
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