Emotional infidelity? Dishonesty and bisexuality?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Coop, Jan 30, 2011.

  1. Coop

    Coop New Member

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    I don't even really know where to start. My whole head is spinning and my life is racing past me. Sorry if this seems unorganized and senseless. I will try my best to find a decent starting point.
    My boyfriend and I have been together less than a year and are expecting at the end of march. We bought a house and moved in together about a month ago. Our relationship started as a friendship and I love him very deeply as my lover and as my friend.
    Right around the time we conceived(beginning of july 2010) was the first time i became aware of his desire to be unfaithful to me with some girl. He never carried out any actions just what I guess is called emotional infidelity. This became an issue again when I was 5 months pregnant with the same girl and again no action just flirting and unfulfilled plans to get together.

    Our baby is due in less than 2 months and a week ago I found out that over the last 10 months he has been e-mailing with upwards to 15 different guys about meeting up and exchanging sexual favors. Giving head and what-not. He did not volunteer this information to me. I came across is myself in his e-mail. I spoke with him about it and he explained to me that he had never followed through however he houses a sexual desire for guys. I am openly bisexual and could not care less about his sexual attractions as long as I am one of them. However I find myself devastated and feel completely mentally separated from my life now.
    My boyfriend is drowning me in I love yous and sweet gestures and I feel as if its making things worse. The stress from being so far along pregnant, his infidelity, the lying, the responsibility of working things out my baby deserves.. its all forcing my brain into a sort of autopilot. I feel like a robot.
    For my child I believe with my whole heart that I have to stay. I was raised by a single mother.
    I guess what I'm looking for are options or advice. How to build our relationship from here vs letting it fall to pieces. How sensitive to his sexual desire should I be or how stupid am I being for letting something like this happen over and over again. Should I even attempt to grow or is it obvious I will end up here again? Seriously ANY insight or advice would be greatly appreciated. I cannot consult with friends or family about these issues.

    I know its long, but thank you for reading if you have!
    Anastasia
     
  2. Mittimer

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    To be completely honest he doesn't seem like someone you can trust. And you're a fool for letting him get away with his dishonesty repeatedly.

    If he's been hiding things from you from virtually day one, what makes you think that he wont continue to hide things from you further down the line? He's shown absolutely no trust in the matter and that should be a red flag for you.

    Should you attempt to grow? Grow to what? Being in a relationship requires trust, honesty, communication, understanding and full commitment on both parties. It's clear that your boyfriend isn't doing a single one of those.

    Should you be sensitive to his sexual desires? In a relationship both parties should always be sensitive to the others sexual desires unless problems arise from said sexual desires. Had he came to you and talked about this, then you could have worked with his sexual wants and needs. Unfortunately in your case, he's been hiding them from you and going behind your back for the better part of a year planning (and possibly doing) these sexual desires. So no, I don't think you should nurture him.

    In any normal, healthy relationship though..things would be different.


    In my eyes, I feel like you'll just end up here again and the child is absolutely no reason to stay. You have to think of it this way. Would you rather raise a child by yourself in a loving home where s/he knows that no matter what, Mommy always loves them?

    Or

    Would you rather raise a child in a home where potentially Mommy and Daddy fight..all the time. Where there is always arguing and crying when Mommy finds out that Daddy has or is planning to cheat again? Furthermore, what if Daddy brings home another girl while Mommy is out?

    That type of house hold will confuse the child, will give them the wrong idea of what a healthy relationship is. For the child's sake, you have to realize what is best for them. You're thinking for two now and sometimes as mothers, we have to sacrifice what we think is best for us to do what's best for them.
     
  3. nurseharley

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    sweet home...
    i was raised by a mother who had the same 'i have to stay for the kids' mentality. what did i learn from this? you never STAY for a child/children. you do the exact opposite. don't bring a child into an environment that is already full of unhappiness. it doesn't sound like this is going to change anytime soon and if he's had emotional affairs in the past, it's more likely he will either keep having them or move onto something physical. you'll always have that doubt in the back of your mind and that's no way to live.

    he's drowning you in those things because he feels guilty but they're not going to help. it's good that you confronted him but i'm sure you'll keep a watchful eye.
     
  4. Trond

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    I may not be the best husband in the world, but this seems a little extreme to me.

    I have felt like being unfaithful to my wife a few times, mainly due to some problems that we have, but I am also the one who sticks my neck out for her when she needs it most. I have done so several times actually. We will probably never have children, though.

    But your man has contacted 15 guys + emotional affairs with women? Not sure what this guy is up to, and it does not seem to be a recipe for any kind of stability for your children.
     
  5. backcheck64

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    Run like hell. First off, you've only known the guy for a short time and you're expecting????? Birth control is pretty damn good now. If you don't feel you can handle a child on your own, put him or her up for adoption, a good two parent home. You've got a mess to clean up, can you do that along with giving a child a good home? You've obviously have a guy thats in it for himself only.
     
  6. EscortBunny69

    EscortBunny69 New Member

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    A good home isn't necessarily 2 parents, I came from a loving home and my parents divorced when I was 5yr old.

    I would kick him in to touch and look to the future, yes it will be tough but there is so much support out there in groups and I am sure you must have friends or family to support you.

    Don't let him carry on as it will only get worse

    familyandhome | Helping families spend generous amounts of time together.

    Gingerbread - Home - Gingerbread - charity for single parents

    hope these are of some help and I wish you all the best :rose
     
  7. backcheck64

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    No, not always, but I believe a stable two parent family is the best enviroment. I know there is no way I or my wife alone could keep up with all of the running with sports and school...not to mention social engagements.
     
  8. Dragon_Fire

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    A stable home is the most important thing regardless of where the child is raised by one parent, two parents or an entire extended family. There's no point in staying in a damaged relationship just because a two parent home is the ideal. I've been raising my daughter on my own for six years. I do have a non-live in boyfriend who as helped occasionally with transport and removing mice. :ugh Otherwise I'm managing quite well by myself.
     
  9. lbushwalker

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    'Stralia Mate!
    Dear Anastasia,
    I, like the rest feel your pain but what can we do to help?
    Many have already suggested that you should consider moving on, however that may not be possible given the circumstances.
    My gut feeling is to hang in there a little while and see how the baby's birth affects all concerned.
    Right now you are feeling particularly sensitive & vulnerable and for his part he is probably chasing the last of his imagined freedoms.
    Down the track a bit everyone must come to face to face with reality and responsibilities and then perhaps the way forwards might seem clearer.
    Wishing you the best.
    bush
     
  10. Coop

    Coop New Member

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    Our circumstances are pretty exceptional. His parents own the house we live in and I do not have the financial capacity to leave. For the time being I am staying. We have been spending the last few evenings talking a lot and really hashing through a great deal of things. He has been incredibly honest and its helping calm my nerves at least. I decided that a romantic relationship is not something I can concern myself with and told him so. He cried and apologized a lot and seems pretty devastated but I think it is for the best. I don't have any sort of support from my own family and haven't for most of my life so I've been making decisions for myself for a long time. Initially I thought that perhaps his actions were the result of the stress from the situation, the newness of our relationship, and that he was reaching out because his freedoms are shot. However, I did not and I didn't because I love him. I realize that what really underlies his actions is immaturity and selfishness and I don't have to subject myself to emotional pain by staying romantically involved with him.
    Last night we hashed out a plan.. or well I did and he agreed through tears and apologies. I have 2 years left of school before I graduate and he has 3. We are going to live and work and go to school and love our baby together in this house for at least as long as it takes for us both to finish school and become financially stable enough on our own to separate. He agreed. He also went on and on about how in the time we live here together he will show and or prove to me his love for me. I told him to do whatever he wants. I rightfully have no faith in him and hold no expectations and all I want is friendship and cooperation.
    Declaring all of these things to him last night was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Thank you all so much for your advice and support. My head feels clear and focused for the first time since I found out about his infidelities.
     
  11. handluva

    handluva New Member

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    OK the fact he is into guys also isnt an issue. I was with a girl who was also into girls. She was open about it from the start, and she had a few sexual liasons with other girls whilst she was with me. I didnt actually mind, because she told me everything. There was opportunities there for me too.

    The issue here is the dishonesty. You really need to find out whether he was dishonest out of fear of losing you or whether he is naturally a scheming idiot. The fact is, youre a girl, he likes guys. So you cant 100% fulfill his sexual needs. If you were willing to do a 3 some with him and another guy, then perhaps you can there. Or perhaps you could get a strap on and do him up the arse, or use a dildo. They may help.

    Two points here.

    1. Can you live with him knowing you cant 100% fully satisfy him?
    2. Can you work through the dishonesty and ever trust him again?

    Notice I haven't mentioned the kid here? I know you were raised by a single mother. But you cant stay with the wrong guy just for the kids sake. The kid will pick up on the negative vibe and there will be an atmosphere.
    There are guys out there who are nice, and will take on a single mother who has a kid. Given time he'll see that kid as his own. So dont feel like you have to live with this guy if you cant work out your issues. Because if it isnt going to work with him, then it isnt going to work.

    Good luck!