Effects of Porn Addiction for spouse and partner!

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by Ldhoney, Dec 31, 2003.

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  1. Ldhoney

    Ldhoney New Member

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    Sexual compulsive addictions can tear apart many aspects of your being. Many would say that it is healthy to masturbate or indulge in a little mind fantasy so long as it doesn’t hurt someone right? Wrong! Truth be known that in many cases those that have found themselves indulging in self pleasure with the usage of fantasy, porn related viewing, or objectification have more than not become effected by the desires un be known to them til later.

    Desensitization is a common and highly ranked symptom of having a sexual compulsive addiction. It takes away your ability to decipher fact from fiction, reality Vs. fantasy. It also hinders your ability for a normal relationship where you interact with others of the same sex, and opposite sex. Limiting your views and values you once had interchanging them to what now is considered “acceptable” by the porn industry.

    Taking what is considered normal by the single life of self pleasure and intertwine this with a new relationship, your current or new job, and see how it unfolds itself when your ability to concentrate on your work or relationship issues because they have become effected by your continual need to see, view, indulge in a near perfect environment of what the porn industry has to offer in a world of plastic surgery, and breast implants, and a wonderful airbrush quality to enhance further perfection. Your values and morals have now been affected by your need or unknown need to see, experience sexual implications in any way of life and interaction you may encounter. Becoming dependant on objectifying a person’s body or parts. Increasing the need for more of this to continue onward for more extreme pleasure and increasing yet again, your level of what is now attached to a urge combined with a desire for the untouchable viewing.

    This leaves you with a outstandingly vulnerable state of lack of reality. Engrossing yourself in a world of perfection, where in our world it simply does not exist. Leaving you now with relationship problems stemming from your inability to understand emotions and proper feelings of what is right from wrong, because of what you have made acceptable to yourself to condone your addiction. Further hindering yourself from a normal relationship where a normal person can never live up to the images you have placed in your mind and views as perfection. The perfect girl…… The perfect guy. Neither exist, unless you accept that the perfect spouse is the one who loves you and accepts you without your being perfect and all your faults that come along with your package! That IS the perfect person.

    Addiction harms more than just yourself, it corrupts your image, your accountability as a trusting person in a relationship where hiding and secrets from your spouse about your addiction is common. It affects your judgment on many aspects of person to person encounters. And it also harms your family, job, spouse and children. Just as the old saying goes “what they don’t know won’t hurt them” this topic is proven to be dead wrong, where those that do not know still suffer as the MANY problems and views that happen from addiction are well known, even if indirectly by those around you in your performance, emotions, the way you deal with stress and anger and retrieve, as well as climb downward into your seclusion for comfort. What you don’t tell us, we already know….. We just did not know the word for it until now.

    Written By: Laura A. Morgan
     
  2. farspark

    farspark New Member

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    That's interesting. In my experience porn is an enjoyable adjunct to a healthy sex life which can be shared with ones partner. Porn (written and visual) can also contribute to interesting discussions with ones lover/lifetime partner about preference, fantasies, or even the politics of sexuality. The major problem with porn from my perspective is the general lack of originality and quality. Why are porn stars such crap actors and why are the script writers so hopeless? Why doesn't anyone target "discerning" viewers and sell porn that has a little bit more plot and character development before launching into the sex scenes?
     
  3. Logger

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    Porn Addiction Statistics?

    Dear LD,

    The problem you had with your husband and pronography was unfortunate, and there are many more wives that have found their husband's use of pornography offensive. Addiction to Pornography does not have clear standards and definitions.

    There are several websites that offer assistance to those who wish to reduce a habitual use of pornogrpahy. While I wish to show respect to your suffering, you have not come to this forum asking for help with a problem. If you are still having personal problems, please post the problem, and I will try to be of assistance to you. You have started a debate thread, not aimed at helping anyone in particular. If any readers have porn habituation problems, I encourage them to post their problems. I personally find discussion forum posts which disparage porn, to be offensive, because I exercise reasonable caution in the use of porn, yet my wife comes into the marital bedroom with anti-porn ideas from extraneous sources, and those disparaging ideas, interfere with our enjoyment of our marital bedroom. I do not appreciate people trying to rain on my parade, of enjoying porn, without ample statistics and justification.

    I picked up two books on Pornography at the library.

    Pornography, Opposing Viewpoints by David Bender and Bruno Leone, Greenhaven Press, 1997

    Pornography, Private Right or Public Menace by Robert M. Baird and Stuart E. Rosenbaum, Promethius Books, 1998.

    No statistics are given for the percentage of Porn viewers who develop problems, in these reviews of the literature. I have seen studies cited on the Internet, but no studies I have seen address the percentage, or causal link for problems caused by porn. If you add up all the pornography sold, and the number of individuals who experience problems with porn, the number of problems are small in comparison. The enjoyment provided by porn should be balanced against the irritation to people who are offended by porn. Porn generally is kept private to avoid offending anyone with extra sensitivities.

    If you want a sympathetic audience, you might go to marriagebuilders.com. Many of the women posting there are adamantly opposed to pornography on either a feminist or a religious basis.

    I personally believe that pronography plays a roll in some crimes. However, I believe that the increased male satiation provided by pornography prevents much more crime and border-line deviant or assaultive sexual behavior, than it creates. You do not seem to be making any effort to gather statistics showing the benefits, compared with some clearly defined disadvantage. I have read a number of anti-pornography essays, but they lack statistics on good, compared to bad, effects.

    Pronography serves to comfort our military personnel who are separted from their spouses and lovers. Pornography serves to satiate the drives of our military personnel in host countries, and helps avoid transmission of STD's, and further resentment for the "FREE" world. Pornography serves separated husbands, wives and committed lovers, so that temptations of infidelity are reduced. I am aware that some couples have trouble transitioning from being apart, to being together again. More help should probably be available at reduced prices for these difficulties, but foregoing the enjoyment of pronograhpy by the many cutomers it serves, is not warranted by your presentation.

    Are you aware of the indicators that an idividual is having a problem with habituation to porn? What habits is it important to change?

    I personally think it is risky for a man to start to masturbate to porn, without coming to a climax. Sufficient time and circumstances should be allowed to assure a climax. The excited, pre-climax state for a man is not a well balanced state. Perhapas it is a survival of the species issue, but that pre-climax state in a man is often desperately aggressive.

    You don't seem to be concerned with determining the amount of crime that is prevented by pornography, as compared with the difficulties some wives face with their husband's habituation to porn. Some victims of sexual assault are convinced that porn played a significant role in their victimization. Have you conducted a poll of victims, to see what percentages of sexual assault victims feel porn was a pivotal cause? How many think that a more liberal access to porn would have avoided or reduced their victimiization? Do you want more police hired to handle porn? What do you want the additional police to do? What will be the cost-benefit analysis?

    I have discussed the issue with anti-porn women on forums. They seem more bent on abolishing pronography, rather than trying to find workable solutions for improved satiation within their marriage. Your post above should contain a Warning: This post seeks to curtail your enjoyment of sex, through unfounded assertions and nearly logical instillment of guilt.

    Many husbands, with enduring marriages, avoid marital problems caused by porn, simply by keeping porn use secret. I personally try to approach my wife for her joint consent in viewing porn together. Sometimes there are months when my wife is OK with enjoying porn together. Sometimes there are weeks when my wife takes an anti-porn stance.

    I enjoy viewing errotic images with my wife. Right now my wife is on an anti-porn kick, so I'll just watch some massage instruction videos wiith her.

    Good night,

    Logger
     
    #3 Logger, Jan 2, 2004
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2004
  4. Antinomy

    Antinomy New Member

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    I think pornography (and masturbation) was one of three things that helped keep me sane during some rough years of my life.
     
  5. Ldhoney

    Ldhoney New Member

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    I agree with you on many views. But my posting was in reference to Porn ADDICTION, not porn use, or porn viewing. I am speaking of habitual porn addiction where a person becomes dependant on it to handle stress, disapointment, for comfort, depression, not casual viewing with your spouse, or while single, but when it is used as a escape and is needed at no matter the cost of losing thier family or job or kids over. As for crimes, i sure do not know the statisitcs but i am sure many sexual crimes are due to viewing porn combined with other problems at the root, and when they are simply bored with the scale of porn they acted out seeking another high, that tops what they viewed. This of course is being judgmental as i have no sound facts on this, but i do know that porn, in the ways of addiction to porn, it is a factor in why many sexual crimes took place. But again, this is about addiction to porn and objectifying a person into body parts that have nothing else to offer the person viewing. A addiction. Not casual viewing.
     
  6. Logger

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    So is your husband OK now? I spoke to one lady whose husband got carried away for a while, but she never really explained the recovery process. She was frustrated because she was willing to go overboard, for her husband, but he had a problem.

    It is not simply a matter of a difference in desire and timing levels for gratification between a husband and wife. There are deeper elements involved, apparently at least in some cases. I have raised the issue of a trusting sexual marital bedroom as perhaps part of the problem. My wife uses our marital bedroom to occasionally launch tirades about my inadequacies to meet material standards set by some of her millionaire friends. My marital bedroom atmosphere fluctuates. That might adversely deter a husband who has more sensitivity than I have.

    Were you able tro find ways to assist your husband with his recovery? What words of caution on porn use might you have for us to look for as warning signs to distinguish between casual viewing, and habitual or addictive use of porn?

    Logger
     
  7. Ldhoney

    Ldhoney New Member

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    Well, for instance... a 14-15 year old girl, even 13 years old girl who looks older.. but you cant tell she only looks older because she has tried to make herself look older. You look, it is natural to look. but then you really check her out... sexually... you know it is wrong to do, morally. But you keep looking ok'ing it in your mind becuase it is natural to look...

    We all know that is wrong... no matter how we try to say it is ok to do because she looks older. We know she is not.

    My husband's addiction is a little deeper, his stems from molestation at a young age by a old man. because of that he has problems with authority. Because of being molested he now has a warped idea of what sex is. It is only an act. Has nothing to do with emotions, or the person, or even liking that person enough to share something like that with. It is all sexual, and objecitification. He suffers from ot knowin the difference between being used sexually and pleasure. It is all the same to him. he cannot tell the difference between a girl who is pretty or cute and a sexual turn on. If she is remotely cute (not gorgeous) she is viewed sexually. She has no brain (again looking at the girl from afar) and she is only there to serve as a fantasy to play out in his mind of her sexual being. Her movements, she is body parts combined to stare at. nothing more. This in itself has made him suffer in his relationship (and my marriage) as during lovemaking he acts out scenes. If i tell him i like something or want him to do something a certain way.. he roleplays it out. He doesnt feel the connection, and he views me as abody parts, even though he loves me to death. Sex and emotions and interaction have become warped.

    In his late teen years, he als became involved in the porn industry, so again, further encounters of sexuality being acted out. His addiction to porn and objectifying women comes from being molested and being teased (he wears hearing aides) he turned to porn for comfort. The images never made fun of him, always welcomed him, never deprived him, and never rejected him. When he is stressed out he turns to it. when he is depressed, he goes to it for comfort and a small uplift.

    as for finding ways to assist him in his addiction. I cannot. he needs to get help for his ways he views women. Until then i will never have completeness with my husband in the bedroom. Enabling his addiction is something that is wrong to do. But you have to remember, he is addicted to it, not casual viewing. When we were dating... and lives seperate.. we would hacve sex, he would be tired, falling ask=leep, and so i would go home, go for a drive and pass by his place on the way home (we lived 3 blocks apart) and he would have his light on an hour after i left. He would pretend he was tired right after sex, then when i left he would go on his spree for porn. His addiction is with young girls. The ones that look older. But are not. I cannot compete with that. i am 31. In the morning, in the night, whenever i would leave to go to the store.. he was looking at it. when i make him mad, when he is depressed he turns to them, not me as a spouse. this is the difference between casual viewing and a problem. When you turn to it for comfort, or to be away from a spouse. When it hinders your job becuase you have to look at work, etc...
     
  8. Antinomy

    Antinomy New Member

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    People who are interested in the topic of this thread might find the essay What Planet does Naomi Wolf Live On? by Eric S. Raymond relevant.

    Edited to add: Looking back over the essay, I believe ESR overstates his case. He is saying "all" when he should be saying "almost all."
     
    #8 Antinomy, Jan 8, 2004
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2004
  9. Ldhoney

    Ldhoney New Member

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    I am not a femineist. And your way off. Porn in general is not harming. When it becomes an addiction , then it does. But if you re-read my postings, you will see that.
     
  10. Logger

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    Marital Bedroom Trust

    Dear LD,

    Porn use, habituation or addiction is different in the context of each individual man.

    You show Wisdom in attempting to distinguish between helping which is enabling, and helping which is assisting your partner make discerning and sensitive choices.

    You mention a pattern before you were married. Real love, followed by enjoyment of porn. Is there a time now when you see the pattern repeated?

    Do you feel that it is important for you to match your being with the images that turn on your husband? I am really fortunate that my wife does not feel inadequate from the images that I view, or that get me excited.

    Sometimes, after making love with my wife, I am turned on, and want to re-live those moments, and squirt again, and my wife will snuggle her breasts against my chest, and let me rub my thigh between her thighs, and will hold my lower crotch while I whack off. Have you ever given your husband the level of trusting comfort to self-stimulate?

    I personally really feel a transfer of my wife's love when she helps me.

    Have you ever offered to help your husband? Do you feel that would be enabling?

    You say that your husband sees your being as body parts. Could you give some words or ideas of how that comes out?

    Do yhou have any massage instruction tapes? Which ones do you like?

    Blessings

    Logger
     
  11. Logger

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    Problem Solving Discussion Approach

    Dear LD,

    One disadvantage of the term "Addiction" is that it places all fault and need for correction on the addicted spouse, and relieves the offended spouse blameless, care-free, and unwilling to help solve the problem.

    To post a problem of porn or masturbation, I suggest the following format for discussion of the cause, the cure, counter-productive help, and personal blocks of the offended spouse.

    I take the approach, in my marriage, that if my wife is offenseive to me in some aspect of our sexual relationship, then it is my job to figure out how to work around her positions, or find ways to change her or myself.

    The offensive behavoir should be clearly defined as A. B, C and D. The underlying causes should be specified as E. F, G, and H. Your willingness to help through means of L, M, N and P, should be specified. Your personal blocks of helpful items W, X Y ;and Z should also be specified.

    The enabling and truly helpful charactersitics of all your options for help should be identified.

    Then we can discuss which items you are doing to help, that should be discontinued, as enabling. Then we could discuss which blocked items would be really helpful and what steps can be taken to become less blocked, so that more effective help can be provided.

    This is obviously over-simplified, but your description of your husband fits the Addiction Model, not a problem solving model.

    I have looked at some of the web pages for porn addiction, and the discussion threads seemed to be unavailable to me. There was only an option to CONTACT the web site. So it seems that the web site is not intended to serve as an open forum, but rather as a mechanism to perpetuate a misconception, that would be challenged by ordinary logic. The misconeption is that the wife holds not responsibility and the the husband alone has to change. The fact that LD Honey has left a number of questions unanswered indicates a lack of sincerity.

    Viewing a woman as body parts seems strange at first. This is not explained personally. But when I am lying next to my wife, I am thinking of what part to work massaging next. I can divide up her body into her feet, legs calves, thighs, back, buttocks, Vulva, Pubic Mound neck, forarms upper arms, shoulders and hands, which are all indiviudal objects of massage focus. I cannot massage all my wife's parts at one time. Am I partly addicted to Porn, because I can only focus on one or a few parts of my wife's body for massage at one time?

    Logger
     
    #11 Logger, Jan 9, 2004
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2004
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