Duty versus Passion

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by pbs, May 27, 2012.

  1. pbs

    pbs
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    I have a long time wife who has had to overcome many obstacles in order to enjoy sex, and has been very dutiful in satisfying me. Over the years I have been able to build a sex life with her, she has wonderful orgasms and never says no to me. The one problem that I cannot seem to overcome is that of passion from her. I love her as intensely as a man can love a woman, and have given her everything, but I am made aware by the "little things" she says and does that remind me that her sexual attitude toward me is still dutiful, and I have been unable to find or unleash the passion in her. Needing this passion from a woman has driven me to begin an online relationship with another married woman, and we exchange intimate messages in graphic detail. We have not tried to meet, and neither of us wants to cheat, but passion is strong. Now I have 2 women in my life, one who is dutiful, loyal, and responsive, and the other who is passionate, and offers the one thing that my wife cannot seem to give me - passion. What should I do????
     
    #1 pbs, May 27, 2012
    Last edited: May 27, 2012
  2. lbushwalker

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    Keep the online one as that and use the stimuli on your real one that way you have the best of both worlds without crossing the line.
     
  3. pbs

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    Thanks, good advice, and that's what I've been doing so far.

    Any hints on how to keep from losing some of my passion for the dutiful one? I not only don't get passion from her, she doesn't really want it from me except to keep me happy.
     
    #3 pbs, May 27, 2012
    Last edited: May 27, 2012
  4. JonJo

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    You say that your wife has 'wonderful orgasms' and is 'responsive' - surely that is an indication of passion for you.

    It is the greatest 'gift' a woman can give her man.

    If it was just a 'duty' to her and she felt nothing she would just lie there and let you 'get on with it', 'get what you want/need' and feel nothing herself.

    Personally I would rather go without, or bring myself off, than have just a 'duty f*ck' - to me that is pointless and meaningless.
     
  5. boobjob

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    I completly agree with this. I think I need you to elaborate on what you mean by passion. I too I'm married to a wife who's libido has all but dropped below the chart. When I hear "duty fuck" I think of her lying on her back basically not moving. There is no way she would have an orgasm. I am guessing that she does have passion for you but you are just not connecting 100%. Please remember that your online "relationship" is not real. It may seem passionate but. To me passion means love and it sounds to me like you have that at home in real life.
     
  6. pbs

    pbs
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    OK, I'll try to describe what's happening. First, wife and I both had to defeat many demons in her mind from a strict Catholic upbringing. Need I say more? After a lifetime of persistence by me, and counseling to learn to like herself, she finally allows herself to feel real sexual pleasure, but only in bed. She still avoids talking about sex, or letting me arouse her with talk or touch anytime it's not time to make love. It's most apparent on a day that we will make love, we drink and get high for a couple of hours before bed, and she talks about everything under the sun except anything sexual. If I try to talk about erotic things or touch her lovingly, she either ignores or changes the subject, and it's only when she "announces" that it's time to go to bed (for love) that she becomes sexual. Once there, she allows me to give her pleasure, and has wonderful orgasms, even participates by taking one herself, but just to please me because she knows I like it. Since finding my iLover, I find my self almost ignoring her irrelevant talk while dreaming of the feelings that we have exchanged on line. And now, by the time we get to bed, I have already had 2 hours or so of making love to my iLover in my mind. I want to give to and receive from my wife outside of the bedroom, and even be able to express them in the bed, those feelings that I must now find with my iLover. Also, we both agree it's the smoke that allows her to shut down her mind enough to be sexual. Her mind races all of the time, but never about anything erotic, even if I open the subject.
     
    #6 pbs, May 28, 2012
    Last edited: May 28, 2012
  7. zildjianplaya

    zildjianplaya New Member

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    I was raised strict Catholic, and dated many strict Catholic girls. Either things are just different where I'm from, or you got hold of one that wanted to live in a convent. Freakiest sex I've ever had has always been with Catholic girls. I married a Baptist, and then got divorced several years later.... worst sex I've ever had was with her. Completely sheltered, completely against any sort of "pleasure of the flesh." Give me a Catholic girl any day!



    So your wife will smoke weed and break the law of mortal man... yet in a married relationship, she won't pleasure her husband as the word of God gives permission?

    1 Corinthians 7: 3-5 says "The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

    I'm not trying to turn this thread into one all about religion.... just found her ways interesting.

    At any rate, good luck with it!
     
  8. pbs

    pbs
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    Sorry Zildjianplaya, and with all due respect, but this is the kind of mind controlling venom that was mercilessly hammered into my wife as a child by nuns in Catholic school. They taught her to hate herself, to feel guilt and shame in every thought, word, and deed, that her own sexual pleasure was a taboo, and she must live a life of misery to atone for all those poor souls in purgatory. She got the whole treatment.

    I'm glad you were able to find those girls whose minds had not been poisoned or beaten to a pulp.
     
    #8 pbs, May 28, 2012
    Last edited: May 28, 2012
  9. zildjianplaya

    zildjianplaya New Member

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    A Catholic school here is the same as a Catholic school wherever you are, as it is in France, Italy, Africa, etc... They all teach the same things. The only difference is the nuns and each individual person. She must have had some hellacious nuns.

    And for the record, I'm definitely NOT a Bible-beater. I used a little Google search to find that passage I quoted.
     
  10. cbrmale

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    I currently have three women in my life and am having sex with all three, although I may drop one. In any case my wife enjoys sex very much and we have had a full sex life, but she lacks passion and erotic intelligence. It's just not part of her and never will be. My woman from Sydney is in a sexless marriage and we catch up for genuinely good and passionate sex whenever I'm in Sydney or she is in Canberra. Our next catch-up is Thursday. My other married woman wants to broaden her horizons and our first time together showed promise, so our next time together next Tuesday might be alright. We shall see.

    I thought my wife's problem was her religious upbringing but now I don't think it is. I think that some people have emotional intelligence, which she has, and some people have erotic intelligence, which my woman from Sydney has. And you have it or you don't, or maybe you can learn it if your open enough. Either way I'm relaxed about enjoying what's available to me while I'm able, and neither me nor either of my partners wants to end any marriages or anything like that. So we ALL take the best part of what we have and add extra with each other. Sydney woman will be good and I really can't wait to catch up with her again.

    The question I must ask is 'does the wife only have sex to please her husband (the OP)'? I thought the same thing about my wife given her lack of enthusiasm before and after, and only when we played a sexy board game a precursor to sex did I discover that she really enjoys sex, she gets horny and she wants to have sex with me. But she doesn't know how to show it. Is this the case for the OP's wife? Women are sexual, almost every single woman, but sometimes they don't show that which they truly desire and truly enjoy.
     
  11. lbushwalker

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    Sometimes, (although rarely)I agree with cbrmale and this happens to be one.
     
  12. pbs

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    Thanks, cbrmale. I'm the OP, and my wife truly loves me, and wants to please me. The problem is that that's why she seems to do anything sexual. I am unable to arouse her out of the bedroom - she just doesn't want it - but when it's time for play, it's like turning on a switch when she comes to me in bed. She comes, sometimes several times, uses a G spot toy while I lick her, and even takes herself over with her finger if I can't reach her clit in the position we're in. She's a dream lover, but only in bed. We do talk about sex between play days, but no erotic touch or talk, that might arouse her. It may be that, if I get in the mood, she thinks I may want to have sex if she gets aroused, so she may be avoiding that, but because it happens when we are preparing for sex, I think it's just because she doesn't like, or fears, the feeling of being aroused, until we're in the bed.
     
  13. cbrmale

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    PBS,
    Your wife shows more passion in bed than my wife, and I know my wife enjoys sex very much. I don't think her reluctance to avoid sex away from bed is indicative of sex to please you only, as I doubt very much that she would come several times or stimulate herself during intercourse (my wife doesn't like to be stimulated during intercourse but that's because she doesn't want to be distracted from the feelings of fullness that she enjoys - something that she has told me).

    I have talked with my wife about sex outside of bed but it's something she prefers not to discuss, and even the sex scenes in my published novels cause her some problems. I'm inclined to think that your wife is similar to my wife, which probably means she enjoys sex with you very much, but with boundaries. I don't see her behaviour as indicative of having sex just to please you at all.

    I obviously felt my wife had sex to please me until we played that board game as a precursor to sex, and she answered a question in such a way that left me in no doubt that she gets a lot of pleasure out of sex.
     
  14. JonJo

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    I think, no know, from what you have said that your wife certainly isn't having sex just to please you - because she obviously very much enjoys it herself. There must be 1,000s of men who would like a wife like yours, with her total openness and ability to enjoy and FULLY participate in sex.
    The fact it only happens in the bedroom is totally irrelevant as to her levels of passion, for you and for sex, because there she very obviously has very high ones.

    Some day, if you stop making such a big thing of her not being passionate in other places she might surprise you.

    Basically all women vary with their likes and dislikes and these can vary from time to time and with circumstances.

    I was married for 5 years to a woman who from all outward appearances butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, some of my mates even commented on how 'cold' she seemed - but like your wife, once in the bedroom she was a 'tiger'. I didn't complain or try and change her I just looked forward to going to bed.

    I had another partner who was the complete opposite, she was always touching, kissing and making suggestive remarks, no matter where we were or who was present and was 'up for it' any time any place. It could be embarrassing and honestly became boring, because there was no excitement of the 'unexpected', or even of the 'chase'. The bedroom just became another place, without any anticipation, or even the close intimacy it should have. There can be very little 'romance', or feelings of 'closeness' with somebody bent over a table, on a worktop or anywhere else like that - it is just fucking and that is obviously what you don't want.
     
  15. pbs

    pbs
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    Thanks cbrmale and JonJo,

    I know I have a wonderful loving wife, and I know about those thousands of neglected husbands who would envy me - I've met them on other forums. I think it's just that, over the course of our lives, I've always been able to make things better and more pleasurable for her as her sexuality gradually opened up, and I had hoped that, by giving her so much pleasure in the bed, that eventually her sexual desires would overflow into other areas of our lives, and she would begin to think about sex outside the bedroom, as I do. Both of your are right though, I just need to get my head screwed on properly and enjoy what I have instead of wishing for something I don't.

    Thanks for replies :)
     
  16. CreamyJustice

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    I'm assuming you mean, she never initiates and probably never tells you what she wants you to do and is like a soldier at attention when you call. Maybe she just doesn't know how to express that side of her and have never had to before. Just talk to her.... ask her how she feels about you sexually, because you dont know. Put her hand on your hard cock, look her in the eyes and ask her how it makes her feel. Tell her you understand her past but as her husband its important that you can receive her in that way. If she knows its missing maybe she'll react accordingly. I agree there are other men getting less, but there has to be another way to deal with this. IF she knew you were receiving "passion" from someone else, i'm sure she wouldnt just NOT care, y'know?

    good luck
     
  17. pbs

    pbs
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    Thanks CreamyJustice. Unfortunately, if she knew that I was sharing passion online, she's so insecure that it would crush her. We're making headway though, starting to talk and direct each other more during sex. We're even talking about things out of the bedroom a little, but not in a passionate way.
     
  18. EthanAndrews

    EthanAndrews New Member

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    Some woman are tricky. I have a tricky one, just like you. She comes from a pure type background. her mom is the definition of frigid.

    It's all about understanding your wife. What makes her tick. Unlike me, my wife is a hopeless romantic. Whereas I enjoy erotic talk, fantasy role play, etc, etc.
    For the longest time I was frustrated beyond belief with our sex life. It was occasional and pretty boring. After about 8 years of trying to get her to "do things" with no luck and resistance the whole way, I tried a different approach.

    I put together a "sex box". Both her and I would put slips of paper in it with stuff we liked. For example on some of my slips of paper I put "Fantasy Talk, Role Play and some other dirtier little things. She put in things like "Sing a love song to me, tell me why you love me, and dance with me". As you can see it's very different.

    We also have set days we have sex. Wed, Friday and Saturday. IF one of us misses a day because we don't "feel like it".. than the other partner gets something unusual. Like for instance if she misses a day..... I make her have sex for 3-4 hours the next time we do it. Or if I miss it for whatever reason.. she usually makes me make dinner for her and dance with her (Basically make a night out of it) or whatever other romantic thing she wants me to do. It just makes it fun.

    Anyways, before we have sex, we each choose a random slip of paper from the box (I chose one of her slips, she chooses one of mine.) And then we do what on the slip.
    Yesterday I randomly choose her slip that said... "Write me a song" and she chose my slip that said "Strip and dance for me". So we did both. First we spent some time coming up with lyrics for her song... and then she danced and stripped for me after that.

    It's totally changed the way we approach sex. now she thinks it fun and random because of the box. lol.. And coincidentally... we are doing WAY more things than ever. For instance, now she is giving me my ultimate fantasy of watching her being gang banged. She looks forward to the idea when not more than 3 months ago she was appalled at the thought.

    It's all about give and take and understanding your woman. Us men have a certain way we think and tick. Most women don't think the same way at all. So we gotta cater to their needs as well in order to get them to open up.

    Hell.... because of the box... I just found out my wife has a big fantasy of being raped (Not hurt though). Never knew that about her.
     
  19. Fasteel

    Fasteel New Member

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    Interesting. My wife wasn't great at sex, but I was 47 years old and I was looking for some long term security. Always been self employed, never saved a nickel, lived in apartments. My wife had it all going on, owned her own house, great income divorced for 5 years and never dated. 2 boys to help raise. Took anti anxiety meds, but I never knew there were any issues. Dad was a Pediatrician yea most extra dough dow the road!!
    Now she was a gusher and a swallower short with a great body, beautiful smile. But ZERO in the way of passion in the bed room, seldom a murmur or any kind of rythmic sexual motion. Well I thought we;ll just work on these other parts that I thought she should be able to change. Not happening and all the security issues I married her for have all been good., but ask me if I'd trade all of that for someone who is passionate in bed, I think I would even though we are both now in our mid 50's. FS
     
  20. pbs

    pbs
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    Fasteel, Don't be discouraged, it's up to you man. By gusher and swallower, do you mean she squirts, and also swallows after a BJ? Does she cum, ever, even a little one? My wife was a pleaser when I married her and had the same issues, willing, but not into her own pleasure, and didn't like to cum. I taught her to enjoy sex. I learned how to kiss her pussy and make her cum, and then started teasing her. As I teased and denied her, she became more "assertive" about getting her orgasms, and now we have a great time, still only in the bedroom, but a great time nonetheless. She didn't hit her sexual prime until she was well into her 50s, she's now in her 60s and stlll going (or cuming) strong. It took a lot of patience and determination on my part, but it was worth it. I think some of the most important things were that she had to trust me completely, she had to be willing to surrender herself to her own pleasure, and she had to just relax and let me give her pleasure. Once she did that, it was easy to get her hips going, her breath shallow and panting, her clit exploding, and feel her pulling on my ears to bring me in for the finale when she's going to have a big one. Go for it :)
     
    #20 pbs, Jun 12, 2012
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2012