Dud sex life during marriage.

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by jimmyg01, Aug 30, 2013.

  1. jimmyg01

    jimmyg01 New Member

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    I've been married 14 years and had a dud sex life for over 10. My wife will reject my advances 95% of the time. I've talked, bought toys, told her how I feel. No matter what she has very little interest. She won't cuddle or even kiss apart from a small peck.
    But here is the kicker. She thinks our marriage is great! In other respects it is, just little to no sex.
    I am now resigned to the fact my sex life is over with her. But I still need it. I need the touch, hugs and sex. I'm thinking about seeing a prostitute just so I can get feel normal again.
    Is it still cheating when your wife ignores your advances? I don't want our marriage to end, but I can't (won't) go on like this anymore.

    Any advice from someone who has been there?
     
  2. backcheck64

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    You need to end it. Sex is as important as love and companionship. You didn't know any of this before you married? How long did you date? I'd contact a lawyer, serving papers may be enough to let her know your marriage isn't so great.
     
  3. lbushwalker

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    Many like threads on this topic here.
    Same advice given over and over and although BC64 a hard hitter he tells it how it is.
     
  4. Amature

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    I accepted the fact that I was in a sexless marriage and put up with it for the most of 30+ years. My first wife passed away a few years ago and I have since remarried and found out what I have been missing out on. I just wish I had done something (divorce) before I was middle age.
     
  5. minskminx

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    It is wrong to deny you a sex life but it is also wrong to commit adultery. I would also say from my perspective that it would be wrong to go to a prostitute in any case whether you are married or not.

    You must communicate with your wife. If you cannot go on without sex, then you must have an agreement. Either you have sex with your wife, you have sex outside the marriage with your wifes consent or you annul the marriage.

    However you must think very carefully about any decisions you make. Be wise enough to think in the long term.

    You said you do not want the marriage to end so you must get something from it.

    Make the right decision for yourself and good luck! :)
     
  6. Trond

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    Oh yeah, I'm in exactly the same position.

    We tried counseling with a psychologist. It was sort of good to get closer to figure out exactly what the problem was, but it didn't bring any solutions in our case (it seems to be a complex thing for my wife, with both physical problems and lack of interest). Maybe it will help more for you guys? It's worth checking out.

    Well, if she rejects you 95% of the time, and she finds out that you are sleeping with prostitutes, then the reason why you did it should at least be pretty obvious to her. She might still break up with you of course, and maybe that's best for you both.

    Or she might not. Weirder things have happened. I gave my wife very strong hints as to what would happen if the sex life did not improve (without being angry about it, it's not her fault her libido is low). I guess I was as honest as possible, although I didn't exactly say 'honey I'm going to see a call-girl now, see ya'. I don't like being deceitful, but neither do I want to rub it in her face. By the way, this is not something I do often, and I am very very careful about it. Next time we had sex, after about six months (!), my wife suggested that I wear a condom for the first time since we got together, so I guess she took the hint.

    Most of the time, I find that going to a strip club is almost as good despite not having an orgasm, but that's me. I know it doesn't work for all men, but many people seem to calm down a little when doing this (I'm obviously not the only one). Of course, there are women that would break up with you over this as well :lol.
     
  7. vampire raver

    vampire raver New Member

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    To be completely honest and not to be taken the wrong way. I think she doesn't really love you anymore. Sure she likes the life she has but she doesn't seem to love you. She loves what you have together as long as it isn't intimate. She also sounds like she is afraid of the marriage ending because that means a big change a lot of people continue there whole life in this type of situation. Honestly you sound as though you may be in the same mind set. You need to seriously think about this because life is to short to just settle. And if you end up getting a divorce it may be hard and you may never find another person to spend your life with but atleast you tried. And I consider it highly unlikely that you won't find another person. It really just comes down to facing your own fears about the truth and learning what the truth is and then accepting it.


    Good luck and much love.

    Ps stay away from the hooker that is just you running from your fears and has the potential to be a big headache especially while you are married.
     
  8. Meow

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    I would sit with her and explain that although you love her like no othere, either she has sex with you or you will find it outside your marriage. She then has the choice.
    You don't need to divorce her if you think that what you have is wonderful, apart from the lack of sex. You just need to explain that you need sex even if she doesn't. Tell her that it doesn't mean that you are going to visit the ladies of the night, but that you might meet some lady who needs sex like you do, who is not going to destroy your marriage....but enjoys your company as you do hers.
     
  9. lbushwalker

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    In other words the dude needs a married fuck buddy, right?
    That turned out to be the solution for me and it worked well for 3 years but then FB fell in love with me and that caused tears all round :(
     
  10. backcheck64

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    No, he needs to divorce and find someone with a similar sex drive.
     
  11. JD_Phoenix

    JD_Phoenix New Member

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    Personally, I'm not a fan of all the divorce suggestions. As far as I'm concerned, if you commit yourself to someone for life, you both must take it very seriously.

    I do not recommend hiring a prostitute or cheating. I know your primal needs are calling out, but your wife needs to understand how dire your feelings are at this point. Just expressing sexual frustration doesn't always do the trick. Does she know how bad it is? Have you told her it's gotten so bad you've considered hiring a prostitute? She should know, and if she loves you it will be a wake up call. If she continues to neglect you altogether, have you tried any couples therapy?

    I take marriage seriously, and I don't think you just give up on a life commitment if one thing isn't working, so long as love and harmony is present in other aspects of the relationship. Take all avenues possible to find a happier medium. If it becomes apparent that is simply impossible, THEN you consider divorce. I find all the quick-conclusions to divorce very weak minded and selfish.
     
  12. jimmyg01

    jimmyg01 New Member

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    Thanks for all the replies guys. I'm not going to throw my marriage away, what we do have is great, just that one thing is missing. I'll just confront her and lay it on the table. She can provide the sex or I will get it elsewhere. It's pretty simple. I'm not wasting my sex life anymore.
     
  13. Plate

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    Get out of the marriage is my advice, you never promised celibacy.
     
  14. Meee

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    The moment you tell her that, your marriage is thrown away.

    Do others here agree?
     
  15. lbushwalker

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    I did that finally but it was over a long time earlier.
    It just made our position clear on the matter.
     
  16. backcheck64

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    Yes, it'll be over, it's already over. Sex is as important as any other aspect of marriage. If it isn't there, you have no marriage. Face it, I don't care how ideal every other aspect of your marriage is, if there isn't intimacy, you have a roommate, not a wife. If you go elsewhere for sex, she'll crucify you in a divorce. You can use the lace of intimacy as a valid reason for the divorce and have a good footing in a divorce, if you cheat, you'll wind up living in a van down by the river. You've got two choices, live a sexless relationship or divorce. I've been marred 25yrs, together 31 and we still have sex with very busy schedules a minimum of 2 times a week usually 3, holiday weeks 4 to 5, vacations 5 to 7. It takes love and commitment to make a real marriage work, which includes intimacy.
     
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  17. surreal_thoughts

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    Man, when there is a marriage issue, the consensus is a quick "divorce him/her" and move on. There's a reason why we court and marry someone in particular. Cheating or divorcing show me that people don't know how to communicate anymore with each other to try to reach a common goal and resolve an issue...I can understand and warrant a divorce if there cheating, foul play, harmful acts/behavior, etc. Reading these opinions makes me question why do we still have marriages in society then if this is how people feel?
     
  18. backcheck64

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    They've been married 14 yrs, not 14 months. You have to choose very carefully if you plan on a marriage to actually last. Withholding sex is one of the most aggressive things a woman can do to a man. I think there should be a minimum of 3 yr dating period before anyone can get married, then, unless severe abuse can be substanciated it's for life. It's too easy to get a divorce and even easier to get married. This is a choice that is supposed to last a lifetime, and should carry as much consideration into it. Three years should be passed the "honeymoon" stage and you find out what each other is really like. Too many put on fronts and after the marriage, their true personality comes out. It's hard to put up fronts for years.
     
  19. JD_Phoenix

    JD_Phoenix New Member

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    I agree with you. I disagree very strongly with all of the immediate suggestions of divorce. It's just... weak.

    First of all, we don't know the whole story. He could be as much at fault for the lack of sex for all we know (cause and effect). We're only hearing his side of the story. We dont know WHY she is denying sex. It's serious, yes. But you don't just give up because sex and intimacy have dried up. If you're married, that tells me it WAS there once upon a time. And if you take marriage seriously (I sure as hell do) and you have a good relationship, it's worth trying to figure out FIRST. Divorce is a LAST resort. Yes, they're 14 years along, but he still didn't give us enough details (nor have we heard his wife's side of the story) to jump straight to the conclusion that they need to divorce. Friendship and harmony are equally as important as intimacy and sex in a marriage. You could argue they're MORE important, because by definition marriage is for life. You need a life partner above all. Don't get married if you don't understand or identify with this concept.

    When I hear that the rest of the relationship is good, I think that's a good thing worth holding on to, assuming you can find the intimacy again. Both of you need to make it a top priority, and please do not cheat by going outside of the relationship. If she refuses to make it a priority for your relationship after you express how dire it is, then i suggest you do think and talk about splitting the union. But don't just jump right to abandoning your life commitment, but it's a two way street. She has to be committed to making it work, and your needs and desires are as important as hers. The second you go outside the marriage without consent, you break that trust and commitment.
     
  20. almostthere

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    Id say adios me amor