Drugs and impact on our family.

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Hot Wheels, Oct 6, 2006.

  1. Hot Wheels

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    Four years ago our daughter got involved with hard drugs and just disappeared off the face of the earth.no calls,no cards no contact whatsoever.
    Before leaving she abandoned her then 14 yr old special needs daughter with us after the girl was sexually assaulted by a previous boyfriend. (the girl still has nightmares and we still have her going to counseling)
    Grand daughter is going to turn 18 in July next year and has the intellect of about a 12 yr old amongst other problems. On the plus side she has an absolutely beautiful nature and is a pure joy to have around.
    Four years on and last week we got a letter out of the blue from daughter apologizing for everything and offering contact if we wanted.
    My wife has met up with daughter and says she looks good after going through rehab.and seems quite prepared to welcome her back to the fold but we are also very concerned about the possible effects on g/daughter.
    We have seen for the last 4 years the angst this has caused our g/daughter, Im so worried about mum,I hate mum,I hope mums ok,I don’t want to see mum,I hope shes not still with that guy who hurt me…the nightmares, all sorts of reactions to different stuff.
    I don’t want to sound selfish but I too have so many mixed feelings over this.
    On one hand I want to hug her and tell her Im so pleased that she has gotten off the chemicals and got her stuff together but on the other Id like to grab her by the throat and throttle her for causing all of us so much grief and anguish during the last 4 yrs.
    She hasn’t been to the house yet because we are still working out how to tell g/daughter and organize what will be a very emotional meeting for her.
    I don’t want to cause any more grief on what is already a somewhat delicate situation but I just cant bring myself to just pretend that everythings cool and all is forgiven.
    This has been on my mind for more than a week now and I feel so torn with my feelings.:nerv
     
  2. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    There is nothing that says you can't do both. You have every right to feel both ways. You have every right to tell her both. Perhaps you should wait to reintroduce her and her daughter, and speak with her *your daughter* about these issues first. Make sure she knows what the past four years have been like for your granddaughter, and teach her the best way to help her daughter cope. Even if everything is not forgiven, it's obvious you both want your daughter to be a part of your life.

    What do you think about writing her (your daughter) a letter? It's something she's sure to have come to appreciate in rehab. Organize your thoughts and feelings on paper, and then meet her for coffee. Hug her, and give her the letter. You may decide this is something you would like to do with or without your wife present.

    While there has been a lot of pain, and I am sure it's a long process before all is cleared up. Yours is a happy story. You have her back. She's not the same person she was when she left. She may not have done it all the right way, but she did do it. You are now rich with opportunity.
     
  3. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    I, too, feel a meeting among yourself, your wife, and your estranged daughter would be the best bet. It is imperative that you allow yourself a 'reality check' when you see her in person. There's alot of stuff buried deep inside, and what you DON'T want to do, is explode in front of your grandaughter.

    Also, you said your gr/d is still in some sort of therapy, and i suppose, because of her special needs, she has some sort of outside social counseling. Have you discussed this important matter with them.Perhaps getting their insight would help give a more unbiased opinion on how this whole thing should play out.

    My heart goes out to you - to all four of you. What an incredibly painful four years you must have endured. Please know that Thorn & I will pray for you. For strength, wisdom, compassion, - I just have no idea what you must be going through, HotWheels.
     
  4. Hot Wheels

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    A letter... thanks for for the idea Mel, I hadnt thought of it:)

    Rose there is no way Id go right off at "mum" in front of g/d
    she reacts very badly to any form of abuse or violence,even towards others.
    We have told her counsellor about what has happened and are going to set up this meeting the day before her appointment so there will be minimal delay between the two meetings.
    My wife is going to take her to the zoo (always a favourite outing) next week and they will meet mum in there so she will have some form of distraction.
    She is not going to tell her who will be there until they are on the train on their way in otherwise g/d wil dwell on it too much and have a big stress out.
    Thank you so much for your advice guys, my head is still spinning but knowing others are thinking of you somehow seems to make it a little easier.
    Will keep you posted.
     
  5. HerHubby

    HerHubby The SF Poet Laureate
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    If I may respectfully and kindly submit, I am so sorry that you all have had to go through all that. I know that it must have been a living hell for you! I agree with the things that mel and Rose wisely said above. It might be a good idea to involve counselors and maybe clergy persons in this situation. Over the past nearly 30 years my wife has worked in a job dealing frequently with situations of this sort. I know that some people like drugs and a lot of alcohol, however, we have seen them abused and seen them do terrible damage to families and individuals. Anyway, I, too, pray for healing and blessings for your family.
     
  6. Bluesy

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    Wow, I can't imagine the emotional turmoil you're dealing with right now. I wish you all the best and hope the meeting goes smoothly.
     
  7. Hot Wheels

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    Just to give a bit more background, Daughter is not my child (my wifes from previous marriage) and I have never really had a good rapport with her which doesnt make life any easier.
    Grandaughter has gotten involved with youth group from local church and due to fact that they already have a couple of special needs kids up there she has fitted in very well and they have been very good to her.
    We have contacted youth leader regarding this situation and they have been very supportive.
    Also her relationship with the counsellor at school is excellent and even though she talks openly to us we have always told her that "anything" she feels she cant or doesnt want to talk about to us, she can always talk to Garry at school, he has been wonderful with her.
    We hope that with such a good support network around her that this will all work out for all of us.
    I guess we have always known that this day would come eventually but its a bit like an impending death, you think you are prepared for it but when it actually happens it still sends you into sort of a spin.
    In the meantime we wait for next Friday:nerv
     
  8. Hot Wheels

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    Well, Friday has come and gone and as I said previously , my wife told g/d on the train on the way in.
    The response was joyous excitement, "thank God, she's alive" and a little nervousness, when they finally met eye to eye there was hugs, kisses and tears all round.
    G/d still has reservations about mum, and rightly so since she has suffered much disappointment in the past,this and many unanswered questions which will no doubt come out later.
    I took g/d to the drag races today and everyone she came into contact with heard about mum coming back, she bubbled with enthusiasm just talking about it.
    All in all,it was a very positive outcome and we have so far breathed a sigh of relief with our concerns about how it would affect her.
    Just so long as mum keeps her side of the bargian and allows g/d to set the pace of reconcilliation. All her support network is working well - church, friends and she's keen to talk to her school councillor about her meeting. She's not over the top with joy but has a healthy scepticism along with her happiness. For a special needs kid - she's doing great.

    Mel,I have struggled with my own feelings over this no end,
    but after reading the last paragraph of your post I feel that you are 100% correct in what you say and this has helped me a great deal..Thank You:rose
     
  9. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Good to hear of the meeting. Sounds like your g/d has alot on the ball, and is in full awareness of her own fragile state. You and your wife have done a wonderful job of helping her through these emotional years.

    You are taking it slow, and keeping control of the boundaries - very good way of protecting all involved. :tup