Dominance/aggression.... for a couple who's not typically that way? Advice?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Adventurer, Jan 20, 2014.

  1. Adventurer

    Gold Member

    Jun 4, 2012
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    I really like this picture (especially the statement it is making)
    I'd like to get my wife (Not all the time, but occasionally) to be more like this during sex and/or foreplay. (Assertive? aggressive? Take charge?) Like; "I've got what you want, so you are going to do what I say."


    That is called dominance play, right? Or something like that?? IDK, but for the sake of this thread, that's what Im going to call it. Sort of just being aggressive, possessive, in charge, assertive, etc.

    I DON'T MEAN LIKE BONDAGE, WHIPS, and CHAINS type of thing! Just to clarify...!

    Anyway, I have some questions about "dominance play"... and I am hoping someone can give me some advice, but first, allow me to get some information and thoughts here...

    My wife and I have been married for going on 13 wonderful years. We have sex quite often. (almost every day) We both love sex! My wife is ...fairly open... to trying new things. But she's more of the personality that is... more playful... and...passive? She'll do pretty much whatever I say in bed. But she isnt really...assertive or aggressive...herself. She's not really "creative" either. (though she can have her moments, dont get me wrong) She'd be just has happy, I think, to just have straight up "normal" sex, as opposed to say... trying to spice it up with other things. eg. Anal, dress up, unusual places, etc. She IS open to doing all that, But I am the one that has to come up with those things, typically. She enjoys them, but she rarely would initiate other things. (Like she loves to dress up for me, but yet, I dont think she would have ever initiated herself, like went out and bought sexy outfits, it if I hadn't first got her into doing it. And actually, she still doesnt just go out and buy such things. I usually buy them for her, or tell her to look for something new. But I dont recall her ever going to a store or going online shopping herself for such types of things without my prompting it.)
    And like she would never say... "I want you to come over here and fuck me". Or grab me when we are out, and take me somewhere because she must have me. I am not saying that she wont initiate sex, she DOES sometimes at home, but again, she is more.. Playful about it even then.
    I am not sure if I am explaining this well....

    I wonder if it is a confidence thing with her. I can imagine her being aggressive and assertive, and its such a turn on. It's so hot thinking about! She'd could easily have me begging for it. (I dont think she quite realizes the power of pussy. haha. Sometimes she make it a little "too easy".) I'd love for her to be like, "I know you want this". But at the same time, I think it would seem...out of character for her to do that kind of thing.

    So I guess my question is this.... can this sort of thing...dominance play... be learned? Or is it really something you already have to be, personality wise?
    Is it something only one person in the relationship can be?

    I would love to: slap her ass when I am doing her doggy-style, or pull her hair while Im fucking her. (I think about it when we are having sex) Or be a little aggressive with my talk to her during sex. (Now, I have tried to experiment with some of this, a little...on occasion. But I felt weird doing it myself. Like the other night, she was strattling me backwards, fucking me. And I really wanted to smack her ass. I kept trying, but I'd hesitate, and pull back. Or kind of just...pat I really wanted to but it felt..weird.)

    I've grabbed her hair and slightly pulled her head back before, but then I feel like I should be more tender and loving. I almost feel guilty. She's rather delicate...

    I'd love for both of us to take turns being the aggressor, or play dominance, or whatever its called, during sex from time to time....But while its a turn on...I just dont know if it is really, "us".

    I have mentioned it to her...about being more...aggressive... And I showed her that picture above. But I don't think she really "got it" though. She said something like, "Im not really sure how one would do that." Or something to that effect. So I could tell she didnt really get it.

    And I think if she ever did do or say something aggressive, it would seem...weird to me too , because that's not really her personality. And I know if I were to say or do something like that, I would also feel a bit weird. Would that feeling wear off? Or would it always feel weird? Would it start coming more naturally?

    So again, I guess my question is...can you learn it? Or is is more of a personality thing?

    Thoughts, advice?

    Sorry if i was sort of all over the place with that. I just type my thoughts as I am thinking them.
  2. Anotherday

    Gold Member

    May 30, 2011
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    Well, there's a lot of questions in your "question".

    On one hand you would like your wife to be more assertive or dominant and on the other you talk about yourself wanting to take things a bit further with the spanking or hair pulling. You also talk about this being in the bedroom more or less, but not taking things as far as bondage or impact play with implements.

    So, here's the thing. What you are talking about or at least what it sounds like you are envisioning is "topping". Not a true Dom/Sub situation, but rather in the bedroom with the availability to "switch". Switches are players that can top or bottom depending on the situation.

    My wife and I are switches and we are mostly still just in the bedroom. I do carry the Top role the majority of the time, but from time to time she will Top me.

    Here's the thing, we entered into things Kink later in our marriage and have been able to take them quite a distance over time. The biggest thing you need to find out before asking to be Topped or Topping her in ways that are out of the norm for the two of you are limits.

    Once you know what actions are wanted, what actions are okay to try, and what actions are off limit that worry can leave you. It's a difficult thing to be more aggressive, to inflict even slight pain if you've never practiced it. But if you know it is wanted or even needed the veil can be lifted.

    The only thing to do is also a hard one for many. Talk about it. Not in the middle of sex, but on neutral ground, maybe over drinks or a meal. There are also BDSM questionnaires available online that the two of you can fill out and compare to see exactly where the two of you might be able to expand your sex life.

    Like you said, it doesn't have to be about bondage or whips & chains unless you want it to.

    Dominance begins in the mind, and the best way to the mind is through communication. Open, honest, and most of all non-judge mental communication.

    You just might be surprised as to what she has going on in her head as well if you only ask and listen in those ways I described above.

    I know I was and what a simple conversation between us brought out was wonderful.

    Oh, can you learn it?

    Yes, to an extent. You can through trial and error learn what suits you and your partner. What you find out over time may not be anything like you envisioned, but it can be quite surprising.
    ranger and Adventurer like this.