Does This Even Make Sense???

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by The_Nameless, Apr 22, 2007.

  1. The_Nameless

    The_Nameless New Member

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    OK, Here is the deal. After having our 3rd child, My wife has decided not to have sex with me until I get a vecectomy. At first, she was going to get her tubes tied, but the week before the operation, we decided that her health (high blood pressure,etc) was not in the best shape and I would get "the snip". Now it has been over 2 months and my FIRST appointment is this week. Its is ONLY a consultation. I believe that after the actual operation, you have to bring "samples" to the lab twice before you are determined to be sterile. I'm looking at quite a long time with NO SEX. You see, she will not do ANYTHING sexual. Apparently, blowjobs are a thing of the past. No 69. No handjobs (I BEGGED one night- nothing). I can't stand it anymore. I'm angry all the time, frustrated, masterbating way too much (in my opinion), looking way too longingly at every girl I see. I'm losing my mind. I've told her how I feel over and over and she just doesnt care. In fact, she usually just gets mad at me. I was wondering what others thought. Am I just making a big deal out of nothing? Is she crazy? HELP!
     
    #1 The_Nameless, Apr 22, 2007
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2007
  2. Brad

    Brad New Member

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    Her absolute refusal to engage in any sexual activities even those that offer no risk of pregnancy, suggest to me that your wife has other sexual issues than just a potential unwanted pregnancy.

    Why for example doesn't she consider temporarily taking the Pill and for you to use condoms, which is extremely safe.

    If were you, I would put the snip on hold until you both have got to the bottom of the true issues and her true concerns.

    You will be very angry if you play it her way, have the snip then find out that sex is still off the agenda.
     
  3. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    I am not married so i can not relat to that aspect , but having a vacectomy, i sure wouldnt be up for doing that, on the other hand i wouldnt be wishing her to have her tubes tied, the pill condoms femidoms..suit of metal armor..all work well


    To me it is something that seems far more than just her need to have you made sterile, sems like there is more in this than just that to me.
     
  4. The_Nameless

    The_Nameless New Member

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    Condoms are off the table as she doesnt trust ANY birth control right now. She isn't taking any chances on getting pregnant again. This aspect of it would be understandable to me if we were participating in some other form of sex. I should note that it has been around 2 months since we last had sex (was after the baby, with a condom- prior to the "no condom" rule she made) It looks, to me, like another 1 -2 months before I would be sterile, officially. I appreciate the replies, keep em coming.
     
  5. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    Seems like she has thought deeply to have an answer for all things to do with not having anything sexual in the relationship anymore...

    Has she been through a traumatic experience latly ?

    I can understand i guess that she no longer wnats any more children...
    hand jobs ( wont make her pregnant)
    blowjobs ( also will not make her pregnant)
    anal ( also wont make her pregnant)
    you giving her oral anal using your hands also will not get her pregnant..


    so there is more to this than just her fear of getting pregnant.

    also on a side note ( i hope this wouldnt happen ) but just say you get the snip, and at some stage the relationship breaks down you both split up, , you find a new partner she would like a child with you, but you cant as you had the snip done before...

    Like i said im not meaning this would happen but there are draw backs to being made sterile, and at a young age as well.
     
  6. emerlyj

    emerlyj New Member

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    Has she indicated why she is refusing hand jobs/ blow jobs etc? These clearly won't make her pregnant so why does she have an issue with them?
    Did she used to give blowjobs etc before or has she always not wanted to give them?
    Seems like something more than a desire to not get pregnant is going on.
     
  7. SexyScorp

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    Maybe she is too tired....3 children to mind?

    God I only have one and find him exhausting
    at times.....

    Maybe she just doesnt feel sexy anymore?

    I would be careful of someone's suggestion of
    the pill...didnt you mention high blood pressure...

    eeeeekk!!!!
     
  8. minxy2

    minxy2 Banned

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    i havent had any children myself but i no that my mother once she had me didnt really feel up to sex after giving birth and such, i mean think about it, during childbirth she is gonna feel very concious about how she looks i mean legs spread blood sweat and tears all over the place, i recon that she may not be feeling very sexy at this moment in time ...... but i cant say anymore becaus ei havent had any children and i havent been in th eposistion your in now :)
     
  9. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    But even if she is tired and not feeling sexy. would him having the snip change all that ?
     
  10. Nettle

    Nettle Member

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    Is she using this as an excuse not to have sex?

    Can you be sure she will still not want to have sex even after the snip?

    If you are sure that you don't want any more children then go ahead and have it done.

    But I do feel she is being unfair on you, there is no reason why she can't give you a blow job or a hand job, and vice versa.

    In the meanwhile... she may be feeling unattractive, or just palin too tired for sex, with three little ones, so make sure you help her when you can, make her feel appreciated and attractive, and take the kids off her hands once in a while so she gets a little time to herself, even if it just to have a nice long soak in a hot bath. :)
     
  11. Joe

    Joe
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    That's what I'm wondering. My ex was pretty cold after our first child and became a born-again virgin after the second one three years later. I finally left her after nearly 15 years of no sex whatsoever.

    I had a vasectomy and don't regret it, but that wasn't until I was in my 50s and knew I didn't want any more children. If you're certain you don't, go for it, but if it's just to get a little nookie again, I'd think hard about it and have a frank discussion with your wife.

    And from her standpoint, an example: My son-in-law planned to have a vasectomy after their second child was born, but he missed his appointment for it. A month later my daughter was pregnant again. I'm not sure, but she might have performed the surgery herself after that happened... with a butcher knife.:D
     
  12. NaughtyKnickers

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    These are good questions.

    I'm on par with several other posts, a heart to heart is probably in order.
    There are understandable reasons for a woman with three young children to be a little less than randy, but then that should be communicated. So far you've been given the raw end of the deal and it sounds as though you aren't getting the full scoop.

    If she is just not up for sex, she might be in a bit of denial about that. I love sex and always have, but just after my second little one I just wasn't up to it, and I had a very tough time admitting that to myself, let alone my husband who had been so supportive during pregnancy.

    Have a talk. Until you do, all you're going to have is speculation. :ugh
    Good luck! :tup
     
  13. cbrmale

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    It has been about ten years since my vasectomy, and I think you have to ejaculate about a dozen times before the sample. That shouldn't take more than a week, if you try hard.

    You do have a bigger problem however, and you should talk to your wife about your concerns and some of the concerns raised here. This may or may not make you feel better, but quite a few women go through a sexual drought at this stage of life and quite a few men complain bitterly about it. Men don't boast about sex, but they complain to one another.

    Talk it over with your wife, and if that doesn't work I suggest you seek counselling with a qualified psychologist, ideally as a couple. If your wife doesn't wish to be counselled, you will still gain some insight if you do it on your own.

    Good luck, and I hope it works out.
     
  14. SexyScorp

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    Maybe it is hard for (some) men to have
    compassion with women....

    ...childbirth is a huge ordeal for
    some....I nearly lost my life through
    it...I almost bled to death....luckily
    I "decided" to come back from a NDE..

    Try and be sympathetic to your wife's
    issue......if she doesnt want sex, there
    isnt much you can do about it.....

    Apart from the valuable advice people
    have given here...

    The more you pressure here, the more
    she will pull back.
     
  15. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    A lot seem to be side stepping the sniping issue here
    as from what the original poster says , his wife will only resume sex with him once he has the snip...
    Yes being understanding of her feelings is a must, being warm considerate and loving and understanding of her feelings, but also i think she needs to be a lot more understanding caring and warm as well.
    to me ( only my point of view) asking a guy to have the snip is a major step.. and i doubt the sex will resume after the opp.as it really does not sound like it is just about being made pregnant again.
     
  16. The_Nameless

    The_Nameless New Member

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    Thank you for all the replies. I do think a good talk is in order, it's never been easy to have heart to hearts with her- but I'll continue to try. It's hard, she is stubborn (generally) about the issue and doesnt like talking about it. I don't think an affair is at all the issue. I think she probably does not feel very sexy and that is probably part of it. She hasn't enjoyed the other sorts of sex (BJ's etc.) all that much in recent years, anyway (sadly) Hopefully, this isn't a long term "drought"... I am trying to be sympathetic but I have a raging libido to live with. "It's not easy being green"
     
  17. Steel

    Steel Member

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    Be careful with this… if you push the issue too hard your wife is going to end up resenting sex and you! I will bet you that once she no longer has to worry about pregnancy she will warm up. This can be a very deep-seated issue with some women where the fear of an unwanted pregnancy after you have had all the kids you “want” to have.
     
  18. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

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    Depending on your age and whether you mght want more children, the vasc is easy and permanent. I had to jack off 8 or 10 times and the last one into a plastic bag which I took to the doc. It tested negative so I no longer worry. It took about a week. I would get some sexual data as to how often, etc and then have a talk with her to find out if you should find a hooker on Craigs list or go to a massage parlor or does she have any other suggestions like divorce.