Do you think it's unreasonable..

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by Halogen, Jan 21, 2008.

  1. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    ..to expect certain sex acts in a relationship? I'll explain...

    Many women aren't fans of blowjobs. Do you think they still have an 'obligation' to their husband/boyfriend to do it?

    What if the tables are turned? Should a man do something for his girlfriend, even if he doesn't like it?

    What about anal? Is that something that should be 'expected'?

    Discuss.
     
  2. sarah_rslp

    sarah_rslp New Member

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    The only thing that should be expected in a relationship it that each person makes every effort to satisfy their partner sexually.

    I mentioned before on a seperate thread (and got some shocked responses) that I don't go down on my husband. Now thats by his choice not mine (although oral doesn't really do anything for me) He has this belief about not wanting to stick his penis in his wife's mouth, although I think its something he'd enjoy.

    I was a bit shocked at first when he told me this, actually within 20 minutes of meeting him I tried to go down on him. But I think laying down rules and placing limits on what you will and won't do helps your sex life.

    My husband was a terrible lover when we first started having sex. To be honest it wasn't that nice going to bed with someone when the sex was clumsey and awkward, but I liked the man I made the effort and so did he and within a few weeks I was having the best sex of my life with a frequency that I was starting to stuggle with. (sometime a blowjob would be handy:)).

    The original question posted was regarding unreasonable expectations. As regards sex acts I only do vaginal sex (although with endless variations) and every night we go to bed knowing the other person isn't going to plead a headache or not feel like it. So even if one of us doesn't neccessarily like it we'll still have sex.

    Thats the extend of a persons sexual obligations in a sex life, it doesn't extend to oral sex and any man would have to be an asshole to feel an entitlement to anal sex.
     
  3. heelfetish

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    Why would it just be the man? Men aren't the only ones who enjoy anal sex, you know. ;) I assume you meant to say any person. :)
     
  4. Bluesy

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    I think the more important question here is, What kind of person would impose sexual expectations on their partner? If during the course of your dating relationship you discover that someone isn't into an act that you're particularly fond of, well, you've just discovered that the two of you are sexually incompatible. If you're a decent sort of person and want to stay in the relationship, you sacrifice the sex act. If it's too important to you to give up, and you're a mature sort of person who doesn't have control issues, you end the relationship and move on. People with control issues won't accept the inevitable and will instead pour all their effort into molding someone into the kind of partner they desire. Who wants to feel like they're being "trained" to be an acceptable partner? If you have healthy self-esteem, you demand better than that, you only want to be with someone who loves you for who you are and what you have to offer.

    I don't know why more parents don't teach their children that it's not acceptable to feel pressured to engage in any sexual activity...at least the schools are doing it.
     
  5. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    I do believe in some limitations, But not much.
    My wife does not like anal so I don't do it.
    But a blow job is absolutely required, Their are times
    that full sex is out of the question so a BJ the right thing to do.
    For instance a walk in the park may turn me on but their is no
    place to lay Her down so a BJ is the ticket.
    Quiet frankly I have never met a Woman that doesn't
    enjoy giving one. Getting a fast BJ sure beats going around
    with a hard on all day.

    Hiker
     
  6. sarah_rslp

    sarah_rslp New Member

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    No I meant man
     
  7. heelfetish

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    So a woman can't feel entitled to Anal sex? Or you're OK with that?
     
  8. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    dissecting posts is my strong point.....

    The reference to "a man doing something for his girlfriend, even if he doesn't like it" was made separate from the reference to "what about anal". Two totally different questions.

    The relative part is the 'obligation' . I think that in a LTR, there are times that both parties will find themselves meeting a need FOR the other person, even if their heart isn't in it. Now, if you find something repulsive or painful, then a good solid LTR would have the two of you coming to an agreement. No man or woman should force something on their partner that they know they are adamantly against. (not to be confused with the above statement of 'their heart isn't in it').
     
  9. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    I disagree...

    ...my dear.

    I think that, at least sometimes, we should go shopping with her. I know I am not supposed to use vulgar language on here, but there it is, I said it. Shopping. Maybe she wants my opinion on drapes or a bedspread or paint colors or a piece of furniture. Maybe she just likes it when I drive. Or just enjoys my company.

    Sometimes, we are obligated, no matter how painful, no matter how repugnant or revolting, to just grin and bear it with love on our heart and steel in our nerve. No pew-ling. No whining, no 'are you done YET?'

    Who knows? Maybe you'll go to lunch. Have a few beers. See something funny together. If your attitude is in the right place, it will probably turn out OK and she'll appreciate you just that much more. And, just maybe, she'll do something extra just for you once in awhile with a cheery disposition and a can do attitude. :dgrin

    In such ways is peace made.
     
  10. Bluesy

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    You aren't seriously comparing sex to shopping for drapes...Oh, LP :eyes Now, I'll admit that willingness to try/participate in a sex act that doesn't exactly light your fire is a good quality in a partner, but to say that it should come at the expense of a person's physical or psychological comfort, that's it's Ok to give up a little bit of your soul, a piece of your dignity, a giant hunk of self-respect, all in the name of getting someone off...urgh. Frankly, I'd lose respect for a man who lied to me and said he was Ok with something when he wasn't really...I'd lose respect for him if I knew he was doing something he didn't feel comfortable doing. And I'd lose my arousal, too. I want to know that my partner respects himself enough to set limits--that kind of self-care and integrity is fucking sexy!

    I'm sorry, but that's just more than a little glib and, well, ignorant, comparing a shopping excursion to sex. It's apparent that you've never been asked to do something you aren't Ok with.
     
  11. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    Well it just so happens that I have a friend who HATES anal sex, and his g/f loves it.

    She is really kinky and even has dildo parties and such with her friends which he is fine with...

    But there is alot of friction between them because she wants him to have anal sex with her - and he keeps refusing.

    So you are saying it is ok for her to expect that from him (because she is female)... eventhough he finds anal disgusting?
     
  12. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    Not true...


    ...there was this one time she wanted to draw on my penis with an ink pen and it made me limp as a wet noodle. I let her and found it un sexy, un erotic and no fun.
    True story. So, I can relate to a woman simply not enjoying X or Y in a sexual setting.

    As for shopping, it is not for you to judge how a guy feels about it anymore than it is for him to judge how you feel about a given thing you find distasteful, yes? I don't think 'being a good sport' is too much to expect of one another, at least some times. You may doubt it, but plenty of men feel they are giving up an awful lot to go to the mall. I think they have unresolved issues because if she simply says "I just like your company' I'm there.

    As for setting limits in the bedroom, I find it sexy when she says "Do this to/for me. I like it!" I've never asked a woman to do anything just to see if she'd do it. And I can't even begin to conceive of a guy not being eager to do whatever she likes. Unless it involves a Bic.

    Further, I've known several women who dislike a guy going down on them. One of them thought that only wussy guys went down on a chick. We were young and she very much saw oral sex by either person as humiliating. Another one I gave her what she admits was one of the best orgasms she ever had yet still, she had to be in just the right mood for it. I tried to let it be for the most part, but, damn, it was tough not going for it every time the urge hit.

    That was always tough to process for me. I have control issues that way. :D
     
  13. Beornmod

    Beornmod New Member

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    Where would such an obligation come from? From a sexual law written in the clouds? If you are in a relationship with someone and they don't want something sexually and you do, that might be a dealbreaker for you, or it might not. A healthy relationship will probably include both people doing some things they don't like and not doing things they do like, whether or not it's sexual. What if my girlfriend wants oral sex right this second, but I'm tired after a long day - do I have an obligation? Perhaps I'll do it out of love for her, but when you start requiring self-sacrificial love and calling it "obligation," it kills everything about it.
     
  14. igor

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    My thought is that no one should "have to" do something they don't want to. It may be something they don't want to try a particular time, or it may be something they never want to do.
     
  15. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    That is...

    ...exactly how I feel about taxes.
     
  16. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Oh LP - you're so silly!!!

    I would NEVER trust (or ask) my husband's opinion on draperies, furniture, bedspread.... perhaps paint colors.....:eyes
    But on the TRUE topic of discussion, being a partner essentially means caring about their boundaries. And as I said in my first post, there are times that we 'give in' to needs of our SO, when we don't feel like it (I've given numerous blowjobs under duress through the "dry years") - but to compare that to doing something that is gross or painful to us - no way is that an acceptable way to treat someone that you truly "love".

    There's a big difference in being accommodating, and being intimidated. BIG difference.
     
  17. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    Ok...

    ...but I don't think anyone is arguing in favor of "You, woman, suck dick, now." :lol

    And what is 'under duress'? I think you getting Thorn off simply for his sake is a loving thing for you to have done for him and shouldn't be looked at as 'duress'. I mean, if he knew you thought sucking him off was gross, that's one thing, but I presume he knows you were either OK with doing it or liked it or maybe even loved it. It's a tough darn thing for a guy to go without for very long. It makes us pout. :lol

    And you fixed him right up in a few short minutes with your loving care and made him;
    :D
     
  18. Bluesy

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    If you don't mind my saying, I think there's something of a communication glitch going on here. I'd just like to take a moment to set some things straight. Now, there are sexual activities that I think are weird or silly, or weird and silly, things that don't hold any interest for me what-so-ever, things that are never going to excite me, that I would be more than happy to do if a partner was into them. Some of these things, when I first heard about them, initially turned me off to such an extent that I would never have agreed to trying them...but you know how it is...people can and do change their mind about things. I would never have been amenable to persuasion, however; I had to get there on my own, I had to get comfy with the idea. But, they are still sex acts that don't interest me...I would be--*gasp*--doing something exclusively to make my partner happy. Here comes another "but"...But they aren't acts that evoke any negative feelings in me. I don't feel morally repulsed by them, I don't fear them, they don't disgust me, I'm 100% confident that I am Ok with doing these things. I mentioned this in a different thread, being tied up doesn't do anything for me. But I'll happily go along with it, and I have gone along with it more times than I can count, because it makes me feel warm 'n fuzzy knowing that my partner is getting off on it. AND I feel comfortable with it.

    When you accompany an SO on a shopping trip, you're doing it first and foremost for her sake, but I'm sure it doesn't create psychological or physical discomfort for you, does it? You may think, "Damn, I'd rather be at home watching the game", but you aren't morally opposed to a day at the mall, no one is asking you to sacrifice personal boundaries, you aren't going to wind up feeling humiliated or taken advantage of, you aren't going to be made to suffer (walking around for a few hours is a natural part of the human experience, we all need exercise, so don't even think of going there, baby).

    But if you were agoraphobic, if the thought of a day at the mall made you feel emotionally squicky, if there was some apprehension there and you really just didn't feel comfortable with it, I'm sure you would expect your SO to understand and not pressure you to accompany her.

    If your religious beliefs prohibited shopping, if you were morally against it, I'm sure you'd expect your SO to be understanding.

    Ok, now, so tell me, let's say your SO wants to try sounding on you (inserting a thin tube-like device into your urethra) because, for whatever reason, the concept excites her. If you're relaxed and take it easy, it can be a highly enjoyable experience. Would you try it? I'm just curious.
     
    #18 Bluesy, Jan 21, 2008
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2008
  19. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    For those that don't know
     
  20. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    Hmm...

    ...I don't know. My reaction is no. It doesn't sound like much fine to have some tube slipped up my wang. However, my thought would be "I'm game. Let's give it a go."

    It makes my teeth hurt thinking about it. It sounds and suggests to me like that thing in the dentist office, that vibrating scaler thing. YIKE!!!