Do most women lie to their husbands about their past sex partners?

Discussion in 'Ask a Guy/Girl' started by Joboo6, Apr 20, 2016.

  1. Joboo6

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    I have found over the years of my marriage that my wife was well less than truthful about her sexual past. You see I asked when we were dating since like most back then you didn't want to marry someone that had slept with your friends, close or otherwise. She assured me that she hadn't slept with anyone I know. Well how could that be since she didn't know everyone I know. She claime three guys, the one who got her virginity and he she said was only once. He first real boyfriend who she cohabatated with for a year. And the guy she slept with after the prior guy broke her heart. Then there was me. Then I find out during a conversation among her and he friends that she split with the guy she lived with two years before we even met, the one right after was a month long fling she had said. So later that evening I ask her, "so you didn't have sex for 23 months when you were 21-22 years old?" She looked puzzled and I recapped what she and her old friends had been talking about, it wasn't boyfriends but where she was living and when she moved back to her parents house. It all clicked suddenly and she shut down and wouldn't talk. Later I confront her at home about a certain person I knew she went out with some months before we met. I knew the guy and she knew I knew him from the start. She had told me they only went out twice. Then I come to find out by tricking her best friend into spilling the beans on him. They we're together several months. Maybe I'm wrong for backing her into a corner but I was totally upfront with her about my past and she clearly lied and lied. Now that it's out I have found she had about 12 different guys by the time she was 22 and she was a virgin till almost 20. Am I wrong to have made her fess up, she was very upset and made me out to be the bad guy here.
     
  2. 10_3XL

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    The deception and persistence were uncalled for. For all you knew her sexual past could have some very negative things in it (i.e. abuse or worse) that she doesn't like to think - let alone talk - about. You should trust that your partner would discuss things as they were/are pertinent and relevant. So, in a sense, you were "the bad guy."

    The only way I can conceive of her sexual past mattering would be if she had at some point contracted an STI that is incurable (i.e. herpes, HIV/AIDS) and needed to share that info with you to protect your health.

    She's with you now. She chose you. Why the hell do her sexual past and her prior relationships matter? You've "won" the game, pal. Be satisfied and secure with that knowledge.
     
  3. CLE32793

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    Well, I tend to see how she's upset, but she's more upset because she's caught in a lie. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I was completely upfront with my husband, he was my actual forth partner. I don't see why she lied from the very beginning, what did she have to lose at that point? If it is her girlfriends saying you are the bad guy, chances are they are not true friends, true friends would not encourage lying to your SO, period.
     
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  4. Nixie

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    I don't know who's "right or wrong" here (if anyone), but as you said: "Then I come to find out by tricking her best friend into spilling the beans on him."

    She might not have appreciated that you used her best friend in a deceitful manner to find out information. Regardless of anything else that happened, that would have irritated me, and I can see where's she's coming from.

    In any case, I wouldn't lie about my past to a partner. But then again, I wouldn't be with someone who cared so much about what I got up to before we started going out. I've never asked a partner about their sexual past, apart from if they've ever had an STI.
     
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  5. CLE32793

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    If it had been a case of abuse or something related, that would be a whole different ball game and I hope that at this point she would be willing to be open and honest about it.
     
  6. Barent

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    She was probably afraid to tell you the truth. As long as she's been, and remains, faithful, what she did before you were married is the past and should be forgotten. I think that you should be thankful for what you have, apologize to her, and tell her that everything is fine.
     
  7. JonJo

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    You seen to have been insistent on and determined to 'self-harm' emotionally for no apparent good reason.
    "As ye sow then so shall yet reap" - you've sown a load of shit and now you are reaping it.
    One of the things you teach a kid is "Don't touch it will burn", you touched and now you've got burnt.
    Have you ever considered that she might have 'lied' to you knowing how, for some reason, you would be unable to take/accept the truth and she was actually trying to be kind to you because she wanted you to be happy - and for her to be happy with you.
    Now you may, by your unmanly deviousness and sneakiness, have buggered that happiness up for both of you.

    Stop asking her and her friends and for all we know your friends how many previous partners she's had and ask yourself the important question "Why are you so insecure?" Find the answer, deal with it and you might find happiness again, for both of you.

    That might not make me many friends but read my tag.
     
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  8. BunnyHole

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    How long have you been together ? Sounds some time. Very simplistically why does it even matter about what she did before you were together. Personally I really don't care what a partner has done before me.

    Yes it would be good of them to share if they've ever had an STI but that's about it.
     
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  9. HotForHoney

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    Yes.
     
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  10. Barent

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    Most women I've known, when asked how many lovers they had, became very embarrassed. Men who have been around the block a few times, with lovers, do not have this problem, it's a sign of manhood, conquest, and some would call it a sport. Give the ladies a break - if they tell the truth they're considered loose, or worse. It's no surprise that many of them are secretive about this subject. Your telling her how many women you've slept with is easy, for her it's supposed to be shameful.
     
  11. Joboo6

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    Well, let's see. I shared what I had been through with her. I had been in a serious relationship and was really broken when it ended it. I started hitting bars and had countless one night stands. I shared that with her so in case someone I crossed paths with happened to be a friend or aquaintance of hers she would maybe be able to accept it more easily. It's not a game by the way.
     
  12. Joboo6

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    It wasn't easy telling her, most of her friends that knew me warned her before hand anyway. I had been with a couple of her friends, not her inner circle but close. I grew up in the neighborhood with two of her closest friends who I did not sleep with, they told her I would date her for a month and that would be it. I can understand her embarrassment and was not seeking to embarrass her, I wanted to know why she didn't open up to me like I did her. I mean Jesus Christ three years after we are married I find out she slept with two guys I knew very well and one that was kind of close. She was asking me back then as I was her.
     
  13. Joboo6

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    If you were asked and you opened up to them and they kept things from you I would think you would have had some issue with being lied to, and it didn't matter to me who or how many it mattered that I was truthful and she was not. And we have been together a very long time. This really wasn't about her, the question was do most women lie when asked. Only one girl or woman has answered, most have berated me.
     
  14. Joboo6

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    Thank you for not throwing rocks at me.
     
  15. afunk13

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    Why the fuck should it matter now? She's married to you. Why can't you just be happy? All your posts you constantly bring up stuff like this. You are trying to make a problem where there once was none.

    To answer your original question, I told my husband how many people I was with and what I had done sexually.
     
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  16. Joboo6

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    Thank you I think. Her friends never said I was the bad guy, they don't even know. I was able to figure out some impossible time lines based on other things that her friends brought up in casual conversation. this was not a public issue and none of her friends told me anything about her.
     
  17. Joboo6

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    Again, it's not about now it's about what women tell, do they usually lie about how many men they have been with. We haven't talked about this in 20 years.
     
  18. afunk13

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    And again I answered you if you read my entire post.
     
  19. Joboo6

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    She actually started the inquiries after we started sleeping together. I wanted to believe what she told me, she said three if she had said six or ten I don't think it would have mattered.
     
  20. BunnyHole

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    So she started this discussion about past relationships in the first place. ? You seem to be saying ? If she started this whole thing, then yeah maybe the person who starts the discussion should fully tell the truth. But either way now the story is out. Just talk to her and find out in her words why she didn't tell you every thing.

    A very long time together, hmm beats me why it would even come up at all now though... Do most women lie about this stuff. There's no definitive answer. Who knows!! Yeah of course some women somewhere, would have lied about their past for various reasons. But it's all very individual as to the reason/s why.
     
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