Do I Really Want a Threesome?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by moonwala, Sep 1, 2011.

  1. moonwala

    moonwala New Member

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    Hello all, I have a question about fantasizing about threesomes versus actually going through with them.

    I am in a 7-year relationship and very satisfied with my girlfriend (emotionally, companionate-ly, and sexually), but for a good while now I have fantasized about having a threesome with her and another girl (no other girl in particular). I know that she is sexually attracted to females, because her first kiss/erotic experiences were with a girl, and during sex we sometimes talk out fantasies of her being with a girl. Nonetheless, I recognize that this hardly means she is open to having a threesome. The fantasies we talk out usually involve just her and another girl(s), and don't usually involve me. I don't know if this is because she doesn't fantasize about threesomes, or if she does and worries that I don't want to hear it.

    I haven't told her directly that I think about it, because I worry she might feel inadequate, jealous, or think that I'm being selfish and doglike. A big part of it is that I love the thought of her enjoying another girl and myself at the same time (in the fantasies sometimes I tell her to imagine a girl and me sucking on her breasts, which she likes hearing), and the other part, of course, is the idea of getting attention from her and someone else simultaneously.

    Does this sound like just a fantasy, or something I actually want to go through with? To give an idea of how often I think about it, I was flying on a plane with my girlfriend and one of our female friends sitting on either side of me, and that alone got me unusually turned on. If I did ever bring it up the idea with her, the most important thing would be to assure her that she is the only girl I truly care about and want to be in a relationship with.

    Is this something I should tell her? I really don't like keeping things from her, but at the same time recognize that some things are better kept to myself. Still, it gets torturous after a while to keep these thoughts bottled up.
     
  2. RideNaked2

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    The biggest advice I can give you is COMMUNICATION! If this is something that you are really considering or even fantasizing about, talk it over with your gf. When you are talking about your fantasies, share with her yours. T and I have been together for a little over 10 years, we are not married, and we have shared these same fantasies with each other. If she is secure in your relationship, then you shouldn't have anything to worry about by sharing this fantasy with her.
    Good luck :)
     
  3. RideNaked

    RideNaked New Member

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    As my Girlie girl states above, communication is key. I'd like to add some thoughts as well. To begin with, having a fantasy, and making it happen, are two different things. There is often a long process one has to go through to make that mental leap, especially when it involves a committed relationship. There are several factors you might want to consider before you bring up the possibility of a threesome. I'm going to start this discussion as only a "woman to woman" encounter to begin with...

    First, your GF may not want to push the boundaries of her sexuality toward a woman/woman encounter. Past experiences and fantasy notwithstanding, there is still the issue of social stigma, as well as who to choose to participate, fear of disclosure/embarrassment, fear of liking it "too much," fear of "where this might lead," etc.

    Second, there is the "cheating" factor. Although the desire for a one to one with another woman is there, she may simply feel that it would be cheating on you in your relationship. This can be just a vague feeling of guilt which is hard to define if you don't recognize it.

    The third factor may be "performance" anxiety. What happens if she doesn't like it after the first ten minutes? This is something new, and it may be easier to just avoid it all together.

    The fourth factor that I can see is simple, and comes into play when you move the fantasy into the "threesome" realm. Jealousy. She may be afraid of losing you to another woman, even though it starts innocently. This is a difficult one to overcome, and takes the most time. If you really look, you might find a few shreds of it in your own feelings as well (you never mentioned the possibility of a MMF threesome, for example.). I'm just saying this as food for thought.

    So, how would I proceed? Plug away at the fantasy of her and another woman, only, to begin with. Tell her how much it turns you on thinking of her with another woman. Tell her you fantasize watching as they play (stress on the watching part...). And you have to be sure that this is true, that you're OK with it only going that far. As time progresses, let her know that if she wants to, you'd like her to explore the possibility. Ask her how she would feel if you joined in, in the fantasy. Ask her what she'd like to see you do, etc.

    Like I said, it's a process. The biggest thing you need to understand is that she has to be OK with it before it will happen (and be fulfilling for both of you). You also need to be OK with nothing at all happening, or stopping somewhere short, and be clear to her on that account, as well. If she changes her mind about your participation just as you're ripping off your boxers, and drooling all over the floor, what would you do?

    My SO and I have entered into the exploration of this possibility, as well as both of us being Bi-curious. We've spent quite a bit of time thinking and discussing this, and that's where the above comments stem from. Where it will go, who knows...

    T
     
    #3 RideNaked, Sep 2, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2011