Do breakups always have to be permanent?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by milesdavisgirl, Sep 14, 2007.

  1. milesdavisgirl

    milesdavisgirl New Member

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    Hi-
    I officially broke up with my boyfriend 3 days ago. Our relationship had been hanging on by a thread for about 3 months. In July, we had decided to move on from the relationship because neither of us was happy anymore, even though we still loved one another. He also said that the relationship had developed into something that made him realize that he needed to become a better person in order to become a better boyfriend. He wanted to seek therapeutic help in relationships and in terms of his own drinking problem. So, he needed to be alone for a while and not be in a relationship until he figured those things out. At the time, I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted from the relationship that I agreed, even though I knew we still loved one another very much.

    Since July, he went home for a couple of months to recover from surgery, so I didn't see him up until 3 days ago. In this time period, we e-mailed, texted, and called one another and maintained an amicable friendship. However, this friendship slowly developed into a very confusing situation in which we both knew we still had feelings for one another and still wanted to give us another chance. He would still tell me that he loved me, and I would do the same. He would tell me that he still wanted to be with me and to work out our problems together but that he hoped I would give him some space to work out his own issues with a therapist when he came back to town. I told him I understood that he needed time to work out some problems, and I would still have liked to be a part of his life while he worked them out. All of these conversations gave me the impression that he wanted to work this out with me, be it his own issues or our issues as a couple.

    He came back to town 3 days ago, and I went to his apartment for a few hours under the impression that we were "back together" and were going to give this another shot. Barely an hour had passed before he finally said, "I need some space and time alone. I want to be with you, but I can't be in a relationship right now. I need to get the help that I need, but I still love you." I was completely fed up at this point because I thought we had made a breakthrough, but to me, "I want to be with you, but I can't be in a relationship right now" sounded like a coward's way of dumping someone, so I immediately picked up my belongings from his apartment and left. I gave him some pretty harsh words for the next 2 days, but finally last night we decided to end things amicably. I told him good luck with therapy and wished him the best of luck in his next relationship. He said that he still loved me, but he just couldn't be with anyone right now until he worked through his own problems. I told him that my door would always be open to him, and he said the same. I said that maybe there was still a possibility for us again in the future, but we should let fate decide, and he agreed. And he offered to meet up for lunch after a few weeks, presumably after he gets settled into therapy. So, this gives me the impression that he still wants to give this relationship another try, but not anywhere in the near future. Regardless, I have made the decision to move on, keep myself at a distance, and start dating again soon.

    Now, I believe that he has a lot of problems that he knows he needs to work out, and I believe him when he tells me he loves me, but at this point, I'm still confused as to why he doesn't want to be with me? Wouldn't it be easier to have a supportive partner while going through a difficult time like this? Finally, is it really possible for two people to break up permanently even though they still love one another? I still love him very much, even after all the things we went through, and I know that he still loves me and wants to be with me, and he just wants to get better, but am I being unrealistic in thinking that not all breakups are permanent? Is it overly romantic to think that a relationship could be rekindled even 5 or 10 years from now if two people love one another and want to be with each other?
     
  2. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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    Support while you are trying to get sober is at times the last think you need. Alcoholics are great at running from their feelings and a relationship is the perfect place to run. It's so easy to get tide up in her/his feelings wants and needs. Then there is time. Id he is involved in a recovery program (and I hope he is) that takes time. Distraction may be the last thing he needs now.
     
  3. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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    I didn't give an answer to your original question. Some times breakups are the start of a relationship not the end. :)
     
  4. Animularisen

    Animularisen New Member

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    Sometimes it is...
    but its usually best to move on
    i went back to my ex alot and when finally i didnt
    i met this amazing boy and im heading on the same amount of time with this guy as i had with my ex
    and this relastionship is going somewhere and hasnt broke down once! ^_^
     
  5. Melissa29

    Melissa29 New Member

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    Milesdavisgirl...

    To answer the question: No, but they should be:)

    Long answer: :)

    You are still young:) Which is great... but...

    From the very brief description of your story so far I see a few BIG RED NO-NOs...

    So... this was sort of mentioned along the way... but his drinking problem? Is he an alcoholic? It's funny... they tell recovering alcoholics the first step on the path to recovery is admitting it is a problem... and in this case it seems to be you who has that issue:) By sort of using friendly language to get around that HUGE LIFE ALTERING issue, you are minimizing the problem and thus making things seem ok and reasonable when in fact they are not. Just a thought...

    Second... "I love you. I want to be with you. I don't want a relationship." Do the Sesame Street song; one of these things is not like the other:) HELLO!!! Seriously though, tell me how all three of those things he has apparently said can come from the same person. Speaking from personal experience... (I got a very similar thing with the last guy I dated... "I really want to be with you, I just don't want to be with you" basically) is INDEED a coward's way of letting you go. Plain, simple, black and white. Don't read into it; I know you so want things to miraculously turn around and go back to how they were... not going to happen:( I don't mean to be negative about everything:) just seems you need some tough love, and I do honestly feel this way.

    I always find it interesting what different people of different ages and with different experiences define or at least relate as "love"... If your ex is an alcoholic, and has been sort of leading you on for the past 3 months *which I agree he has* and has an addiction to alcohol... is this really someone you can put the ultimate amount of trust in to know what love is??? ... Really... think about it... You need to see him for the person he IS, and NOT the person he was or that you want him to be. This is life, and sometimes it sucks:) I was totally with you a few years ago with my last bf... broke things off to "focus on him" or w/e bullshit lol... of course I was terribly upset, and for about half a year I wanted nothing more than to go back to how things were... until I realized that I didn't want HIM, I wanted the feelings I got WITH him... because in reality HE is a total asshole lol... Someone who puts you off for 3 months, then suddenly turns the tables on you and says "No thanks" is not someone you should waste your time and emotions on. Cherish the good times for what they were, and treat this as an official breakup (which it is, though you again minimalize that too:) ) No contact WHAT SO EVER... find yourself, discover your own life. He is not the one:) HE has made the decision to be without YOU, so let him deal with what that entails. By still being friends and close, and "I still love you" you are telling him its ok to totally rip your heart out and use it as a tennis ball. It's not ok:) Say thank you, FORGIVE, and then forget. Sorry, I know you don't want to hear this:) but that's what I passionately feel needs to be done.

    Ok... I'm done with my novel:) sorry:(
     
  6. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    I would read Buffalos answer very carefully if I were in your shoes.
    Time, Or space means more alcohol, An Alcoholic needs closeness
    to someone that cares to recover not space to drink.

    Hiker
     
  7. Joe

    Joe
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    You've gotten good advice so far. My suggestion is to move onward without him. Yes, some relationships can be rekindled after months or years, but there's usually good reason for the split. Consider it over and move on.