Disturbing Fantasy

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by abbymay, May 13, 2009.

  1. abbymay

    abbymay New Member

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    Hi, I'm new to this site. I have just been having a really big and troubling problem lately. I have been dating my Boyfriend now for over a year and we are very happy in almost every way.
    I was raped seven years ago and it was an awful, violent and humiliating experience at that time I never thought that I would get over it or be normal again. I was a virgin before that experience and I was certain I would never have sex. I was in therapy for a long time and while it did help, I found that just moving on and not thinking about it or talking about it with other people was what enabled me to feel the most normal and get on with my life. When I started dating my current boyfriend I told him that I really wanted to take things slow (what i didn't tell him was that the idea of having sex with him, or anyone else was repulsive to me). This 'story' of wanting to take it slow worked for awhile, but after a couple of months I could tell that he was getting frustrated, he kept asking me what was wrong with him or if I was even attracted to him. Finally I decided to tell him about what had happened to me. He was great about it, not freaked out. He really respected that I didn't want to rehash the whole terrible thing and never asked me about it. Eventually I was able to be comfortable enough to want to have sex with him as he wasn't pressuring me too much (I mean I could tell at times that he was getting frustrated), but I really wanted to. It was great for awhile, I had felt things that I never thought that I would be able to feel and it turned out I wanted to have sex ALL THE TIME.
    Recently though I have found myself fantasizing about being RAPED!!! I am appalled at myself for feeling this way but I can't help it, I have these elaborate scenarios that play out in my head and I cannot control them. They are not the same as what actually happened to me, but some things are the same. It has made me so disturbed and having sex is no longer something I want to do or get turned on doing.
    My boyfriend has been asking me about the fact that I don't seem interested and I just don't know what to do. I feel like such a hypocrite how could I have experienced such a traumatizing thing, something that I once thought had ruined my life forever and now fantasize about it happening again?! Please help if you have any advice.

    Thank You
     
  2. gentlegent

    gentlegent New Member

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    Abbymay,

    Ok, I have the fortune of never having been through such a terrible experience however and don't ask me why, just life or fate - have either gone out with or been friends with many women who have been raped and have tried to help them through it. Sadly it is very common and still disturbs me that anyone could do such a thing to another person.

    However getting to the point - you shouldn't feel any negative feelings about these fantasies. They are not in anyway related to your real life experiences. The only thing to feel is positive that you have come through real life experiences and are now in a position to have an active sexual mind which is not curtailed by your past experiences. Many people never reach this point. Without wishing to sound patronising, fantastic, good for you!

    Of course it's understandable that you have such fears but they're completely unfounded. Fantasy and reality are two very different things particularly in this case. I know many female friends who have this fantasy and male come to that, none of whom would actually ever want this to happen. The fantasy appeals to lots of pyscological sexual erongenous zones but we all the know the reality is anything but, they're completely unrelated.

    From what you say you have a good relationship with your boyfriend and he has been supportive throughout. If this is the case and you have a strong relationship you may find it far better to share. If he is as loving and supportive as you indicate he will understand completely and also re-assure you that the two things are completely different.

    Of course it's very easy for me to say all this as I don't have the experiences to deal with and I appreciate it's difficult.

    However there is only one way to look at it as I said before, you're in a great relationship with someone who knows about something that happened in the past which was horrible. Together you've have worked through it to get over the inevitable symptoms its caused. You've now progressed to such an extent that you're reaching the final barrier of freeing yourself of pyscological ties to that experience. Keep with your loving relationship and sharing. Keep with the fantasies. That horrible experience will be there but your life and pyscological well being will have moved on from it and left it in the past.

    That experience was inflicted upon you by some sick person who needs help. They have no right to continue to control your psycology now and nor do you have anything to feel bad about.

    I don't know if this helps and I certainly hope it isn't patronising. I'm just very fierce about this subject having seen the damage it does.

    Good luck.

    I beleive it's a buddist saying that goes (and I'm paraphrasing here) - "thoughts are just thoughts until you make them reality, do not judge them or analyse them for they are just thoughts, simply enjoy them as thoughts, imagine a firework display where you edit which colours you see, it is taking away the fantastic gift life has given us in thought"
     
  3. HardRocker

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    Glad you were here for that one, Gent. I had no idea how to answer.
    Welcome to SF, to both abbymay and gentlegent.
     
  4. Drakonnen

    Drakonnen Member

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    As my reply hinges on the experiences of another that I don't feel comfortable posting in an open forum about, I went ahead and pm'ed you my response.
     
  5. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    I suggest 2 things:

    Nº 1 Bring more love into your relationship. Love brings total acceptance. I doubt you want to be raped again. But within the sanctity of your relationship with your boyfriend, do let yourself enjoy to the fullest whatever turns you on! If your boyfriend loves you he will accept that. And so can you.

    Nº 2 Relax. Let your self heal. Being a victim of violence always brings injuries. Take a deep breathe, and let them heal. Knowing you are accepted, loved, and appreciated as you are is a key. And have fun! If you're not hurting anyone, it's all OK!
     
  6. Vanja

    Vanja New Member

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    Hi Abby

    When I was reading your post it was like I was reading what I might have written myself a few years ago. I was 16, also a virgin AND had similar fantasies after getting over the "having sex barrier" as I like to call it now. Oh and also felt like such a hypocrite and I was scared that I would be accused of lying about this if I would ever tell anyone about it, which is why I kept it to myself for years. Eventually I told my now husband and he was great about the whole thing - we played out one of my fantasies, decided on a "safe" word together (in case I would start feeling uncomfortable at any point) and it went great. At first he said he wouldn't be able to do it but after we had talked about it some more we decided to at least try. So we did and it was like getting something really heavy off my chest.

    This is actually pretty common among rape survivors so you are in no way abnormal or anything like that. My former therapist told me that this is in some way our way of gaining control over the whole situation again. WE get to choose who it is, WE get to choose the scenario etc.

    So I would suggest talking to your bf about this and if he's willing to try it out, maybe you could do something similar to what we did.

    Good luck with this and remember - this is just one of many healing phases you're going through in order to get control over your life again. You're reacting normally to an abnormal event in your life, not the other way around..... don't ever forget that.
     
  7. Barbwire

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    It is a shame that the OP only posted once and it was over a month ago; she is getting some sound advice.
     
  8. HardRocker

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    Hopefully she's one of our shadow members and taking it all in.