Disgusting Thing To Say

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by sexynzgirl, Aug 29, 2004.

  1. sexynzgirl

    sexynzgirl New Member

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    Today during my partner and I were having an arguement in which he says to me "Its a pity you don't have the strength to kill yourself". Afterwards after I cried forever and he couldn't handle it anymore he apologises, but I still feel very angry. What do others think of their partner saying this and then going later on, I love you, I'm sorry {insert excuse here} blah blah. :(
     
  2. Frank Grimes

    Frank Grimes New Member

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    I think your partner should be your ex-partner.
     
  3. Shellen77

    Shellen77 New Member

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    I second that. I wouldn't have hesitated to kick his ass out the door.
     
  4. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Dear NZ Girl,

    That comment seems a bit inconsiderate. Perhaps there is more to the sequence of what had gone before the comment.

    I have made insensitive comments and appologised later. You did not really tell us what his excuse was.

    Perhaps BF got his feelings hurt in some way that you did not perceive, or even that he did not realize, and made the comment as a retalliation. You may want to look back over the sequence of comments, and see if BF might have gotten his feelings hurt in some way, that you can both be more considerate to each other.

    My wife frequently jabs me. I used to make it a habit to try to jab her as often as I could see a shot, just to try to even the score. Now I try to avoid shots, and when one comes to me, I just point out that I am trying to be considerate, and would appreciate some consideration from her.

    Blessings
     
  5. sexynzgirl

    sexynzgirl New Member

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    We went down to the supermarket to get food, I wanted some cereal and we couldn't decide. He got irritated and said we were leaving. I got annoyed.

    We got home and I had the key, he asked for the key to get in and I said "no I'm getting in the washing". He went and waited at the top of the stairs while I got the washing. I came up the stairs and asked to get in and he says "no you can wait". I tried to manoever past him but I ended up pushing the washing basket into him. He gave me a little push and I went crazy and burst into tears (he once kicked me in the face at the top of the stairs in which I was hospitalised) as it reminded me of what had happened in the past. I wouldn't let him inside and he started trying to get into the house with a crowbar.

    I ran around the other side and tried to get into the house and lock him out but wasn't successful as he got in anyway.

    We argued for awhile and his comment was a result of our fight. He reguarly says really hurtful things to me when he's angry, he has an anger problem as do I only I don't have the option of physical abuse nor would I want to take it. He doesn't hit me anymore but he did say he felt like he was losing grip during our arguement and he didn't want to hurt me, so I guess a nasty comment is a lot better than a punch in the face.

    I am quite a difficult person to be in a relationship with as I'm not all there sometimes and take meds every day to stay on track.

    I've never experienced being able to forgive someone for such hurtful things before, I feel I must really love him and him I for us to be able to get through all the dramas we've had.

    His reason he said that to me because he was sick of the arguing and he knew I'd go off and have a cry and leave him alone for a little while. He said he can be a horrible man sometimes. I think its a lot easier to forgive someone for big hurts when you know that you're far from perfect yourself.
     
  6. Hug_It

    Hug_It New Member

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    By any chance would you describe your relationship as extremely passionate?
     
  7. sexynzgirl

    sexynzgirl New Member

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    I describe it as great sometimes, but insane at others
     
  8. touchzing

    touchzing New Member

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    How do you want to be treated? Your relationship is full of meaningless conflict. Too often people believe if they stick it out the conflict will diminish and it will all be okay. In my experience the conflict seldom diminishes, in fact it usually grows. I see your boy friend’s comment, "It’s a pity you don't have the strength to kill yourself" as a symptom of the hostility in your relationship. I return to my first question, how do you want to be treated? Are you willing to adjust the behavior you are willing to accept from a partner? If not, this kind of hostility will continue and is likely to get worse. Please excuse me if this sounds harsh, I am a mental health professional who has worked with scores of men and women from crappy relationships.
     
  9. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Certainly there are many examples of relationships that are less than ideal, that continue to get worse. It seems that Sexy NZ Girl and her BF are willing to work toward making their relationship better, and have made measurable progress.

    In the Books THE INTIMATE ENEMY, a cooling off sequence is suggested, where the conflict can be put aside for a while. The sequence involves one or both partners having a pre-arranged place to go, that does not arrouse the partner's jealousy. Ideally the place ot go should be overnight. Sometimes a Movie will work.

    Once things get started in my house, and I am starting to say hurtful things, I take that as a signal for me to get out of the house. I may try to summarize my position in a positive manner as I am going out the door. My wife may say that she would rather be the one to leave, and have me stay. I usually give her time to leave, if she requests it. My wife can sleep over at the home of her mother, or her married brother, or her daughter, who all live less than a 10 minute drive from my home.

    At what point did you see that things were getting out of hand? What options would you like to have had? How can you structure towards having those options available next time? Have you missed signals of escalation on other occassions? How can you respond constructively, earlier? Is BF willing to particpate in therapy? Have you selected a therapist in which you have confidence? A therapist on the wrong tack can actually make things worse. I have a guy I use as a coach, and I go over my frustrations and how to phrase my requests of what I want from my wife and other family members, in a constructive manner. I write out my phrases, and keep them in a large envelope at work.

    At my house, I keep an original key, and have extra keys and key rings in my private location, and extra keys on a hook in the house. As keys get lost, I put a new key, with a key ring, out on the hook. As my stash of keys grows smaller, I make a trip to the locksmith, and have more keys made. I have seen too much frustration with misplaced keys. Would extra keys work better for you? Maybe not.

    Blessings
     
    #9 Logger, Sep 9, 2004
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2004
  10. touchzing

    touchzing New Member

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    What do you want from your relationship? or any relationship? sexynzgirl