difficult situation

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by vampire raver, Mar 30, 2008.

  1. vampire raver

    vampire raver New Member

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    I am going to explain my very difficult situation. I will give a little background information first. My gf and I have been dating for about 2 years. She was my first serious gf ever and we also lost our virginity together in several activities.
    Ok so I am in a culinary profession and it requires a lot if not most of my time. I am in a culinary school at the moment and I am about to be done with it. The fact of the matter is that I absolutely love culinary and I have had several people tell me I could really carry it to something great and I really want too. So this creates a problem. I love my gf but if I stay with her then she would not be happy following me around my whole life while I work 75 hours a week. This is not what she wants out of life so she would be unhappy. Same goes with me if I spending the amount of time she deserves then I wouldn’t have the amount of time needed to reach the appropriate stage in my career to feel self satisfied. I would eventually be resentful of what I didn’t experience later in my life and psychologically blame it on her.
    So I was trying to explain this to her and needless to say she was very unhappy. I was trying to explain to her that this relationship is doomed and there is no way that we both would be happy later in our life if we stuck together. So I felt like I was giving her the proper respect by telling her this and not just writing her a message saying I don’t think we should see each other anymore.
    I still love her and I could stay with her until I leave to go to New York or wherever I am going to go to enhance my culinary career but I don’t feel that this is respectful of her feelings or honest. I want her to be happy and I think the faster she moves on the less time she will be wasting with a relationship that will never work.

    What do you guys think?
     
  2. bucky

    bucky New Member

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    I think you did the right thing telling her about your plans. The choice is hers to stay or leave. Hard decision for both of you.
     
  3. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    You did the right thing by being honest. It would've been worse to wait and tell her later what your feelings were.
     
  4. vampire raver

    vampire raver New Member

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    But do you think I should choose to end it; she says that no one can see into the future but I know that we can't both be happy. So I feel it would be better in the long run for us both if we ended as soon as possible rather than trying to make something that will never work, work. You know what I mean.
     
  5. Bluesy

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    I dunno, sweetie...it sounds to me as if you want to end the relationship and feel guilty because of it, so you're looking for ways to rationalize it as some sort of preemptive measure. It really is impossible to predict how things will work out, but the thing is, if you don't forsee the relationship fitting into your future plans, then that's really all the justification you need for ending it. It doesn't matter whether or not it benefits her, what matters is that you're doing what's best for you. I've seen too many people (and I've been there, myself) settle into relationships that are mediocre at best when they could've been out there looking for the person who really and truly completes them, whom they would have an authentically fulfilling relationship with. It doesn't benefit anyone to "settle". You each deserve the opportunity to find that perfect person, and that's not going to happen if one of you is feeling constrained. You both deserve better than that, you know?

    Just put your needs first and it will all work out for the best eventually...for both of you. *HUG* I'm so glad to see you hangin' around again, btw :)
     
  6. bucky

    bucky New Member

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    If you are that sure this will not work IMO it is doomed and you should probably end it. It seems that she has hope, possibly misplaced, and you have none.
     
  7. vampire raver

    vampire raver New Member

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    I truely know that. I guess I am just trying to tell myself that doing that is not selfish. Not to mention this is my first break up and I am very lost but it all happens eventually. Thank you. I guess what it boils down to is that I love her but I am not in love with her but I care a lot about her. Very intense experience.
     
  8. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Well, if VR truly feels like it's doomed to not work, then it is already. We create our own self-fulfilling prophesies in this regard, ya know? And if he feels like it's doomed, she wouldn't be a wise woman to try to continue...a relationship only works if both are committed to it and believe in it.

    VR...man, this sounds like a tough spot. You're probably correct in anticipating that if you hold yourself back to maintain a relationship with her that at some point you will regret that decision (and perhaps even resent her for it, which you should not...it would be your decision, not hers). That's very true. But then the balance point is that if you truly love this woman, in the future you may regret that you let her go. So, realistically speaking, you're probably going to regret something either way (that's the way life is). I'd imagine you've probably already considered this and decided that you'd rather regret letting her go than holding yourself back. You say that you "love" her and I'm sure that's true in your perception. But I think that if you felt like she's unquestionably the woman you want to grow old with that you wouldn't be able to just let her go for this particular reason. So, again, if you truly believe you are making the right decision, then you are.

    You're young, so I'd say that's a fairly common decision path for people who are just starting their careers. You'll find that as you progress through life, your priorities change. Early on, my career was a major area of focus for me. As I've gotten older, I'd say the most important thing to me now are my relationships with people. Having a daughter has certainly changed my priorities by a major degree...and it's an experience I wouldn't trade for anything in the world, actually. I wouldn't have been ready for that experience 10-20 years ago though, for instance.

    Regardless, kudos to you for being straightforward and honest with this woman. That says a lot about you as a person.

    BD
     
  9. vampire raver

    vampire raver New Member

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    I don't want it to sound so harsh but when it comes down to it I feel that is the truth.
     
  10. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Well, it IS selfish and it ISN'T, simultaneously. If that's the way you feel, then she deserves to be free and able to find someone else who is or will be "in love" with her. So, I really don't think you should feel any guilt...it wouldn't be fair to her to keep her just because she wants you to. Ya know? I was in this situation with the GF/fiancee toward the end of college. We hit a tough time, and I came to realize I was with her more because SHE wanted me to moreso than because it was what I wanted. And if we had made the mistake/bad choice of getting married, it probably wouldn't have lasted very long. Although it wasn't career-related like yours, I made the decision to go my own way, and I've never looked back nor regretted it.

    BD
     
  11. vampire raver

    vampire raver New Member

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    I understand what your saying. We are young and we both are going to change a lot as we grow older. Thanks man.
     
  12. vampire raver

    vampire raver New Member

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    You hit the nail on the head. I guess I knew that I just needed to hear it.
    thanks.
     
  13. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    You're definitely welcome. Rid yourself of any guilt, dude. I think it's unnecessary in a case like this. I can see that you don't want to hurt her, but based on what you've said, you'd hurt her more in the future than this does now. Some relationships run their course, we should just learn from them, be thankful for the good times that we had, be thankful that we even had the experience in the first place, and then use what we've learned about ourselves and others in future relationships.

    I tend to be quite analytical (I detect the same in you), and I think through important decisions carefully before I make them. I can honestly say that I have never made a change (career, relationship, whatever) that didn't turn out for the better...as anticipated. Never. That gives me a lot of confidence to make even difficult changes when I know I need to.

    BD
     
  14. vampire raver

    vampire raver New Member

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    Thats what I needed to hear. Yeah I pro/con almost every decision carefully. Sometimes too much. I do feel I am making the right decision in this case. Thanks man you made me feel a lot better. That goes to everyone as well thanks.
     
  15. loveit247

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    At your age you definately need to be putting yourself first. You will grow and change so much over the next 15 years! Move on and let her know that you are sorry that this has hurt her but want her to find someone who can give her what she needs.

    Good luck
     
  16. vampire raver

    vampire raver New Member

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    Thats basically what I told her. Thanks