Difference in sex drive

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Cope, May 25, 2008.

  1. Cope

    Cope New Member

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    I've been dating a woman for around two years. For about the first 6 months of our relationship, we had frequent sex and my drive was quenched. I would describe myself as a very sexual man and my primary need in a relationship is sexual fulfillment. Recently, it seems as if I have to twist her arm to get her to have sex and getting to the act seems like a hurdle. My lack of gratification in the relationship has let to several break ups. Everything about the relationship is awesome, except for the sex. I've tried to hang on to everything else...but since my needs haven't been met for the past 18 months, the road has been rocky. It doesn't seem like she cares about what I need from the relationship. I want a lover, not a friend.
     
  2. Dreama

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    If sex has become a chore to her, you might want to talk to her about why she feels this way. It could be that she feels unsatisfied in the relationship somehow...Believe it or not, this can affect sex drives drastically. The fact that you aren't getting sex isn't the only thing wrong here. Maybe she needs more of a friend in you before she can be your lover.
     
  3. Cope

    Cope New Member

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    Trust me, I've tried for the past 18 months for her to open up to me and tell or show me what she needs. It's ultimatum time.
     
  4. jaguar

    jaguar New Member

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    Maybe you are coming on to strong? just a thought. Try a romantic approach or try different avenues to help her get interested.
     
  5. Cope

    Cope New Member

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    I brought her flowers Friday morning and took her out to dinner that night. She invited me over to her place at 9:30pm. We were fooling around, she let me go down on her. When she started to come, she threw on the brakes and made me stop. She refuses to talk about these situations and gets defensive. Like I said, it's ultimatum time because I feel like I'm wasting my time.
     
  6. Joe

    Joe
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    "... it's ultimatum time because I feel like I'm wasting my time."

    Probably a wise decision. People have different levels of sex drives, and one's drive can fluctuate, but if you've been with this woman for 18 months that should be long enough to know if you're sexually compatible.

    It's hard for some guys to believe, but there are actually women in the world who enjoy sex a lot, who have fun trying new things, enjoy taking control, giving head, anal, the whole works. If that's what you want, keep looking until you find the right woman.

    It's easy to accept less than you want in a partner, grow accustomed to each other, settle down, get married, have kids and a mortgage... and then realize too late that you'll never be satisfied with your mate. Selecting a lifelong partner is the most important decision you'll ever make, so make it carefully.
     
  7. Dreama

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    Maybe you haven't earned her trust. Or Perhaps you need to leave. If you have to give someone an ultimatum about sex- have sex with me or leave- it doesn't seem like you have that strong of a relationship anyway. Plus, the sex she gives you will be with resent, and the rest of your relationship will most likely be affected in a negative way. Furthermore, I think it's kind of sad that you say your sexual desires are the primary need you have. It leads me to think your emotional connection is probably lacking. You could have all the sex in the world and still have a crappy relationship (you probably will, even if she chooses to obey your ultimatum. You could take your sexual needs into your own hands (literally) more often. It's not her sole responsibility to satiate you. Just my opinion.
     
  8. jonfunch

    jonfunch New Member

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    relationships have their ups and downs with sex. just dont have sex for like three months then they're dying to have sex with you. and its great!
     
  9. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    Very bad sign!

    When a girl dumps a guy, first she does it in her mind. Communication becomes distant and shallow. Next the interest in sex wanes. Eventually she'll be out the door.

    Unless of course you can get a "breakthrough", and you find out what's bothering her, or what's boring her, and you're both able to work through. Maybe it's just time to move on!
     
  10. Cope

    Cope New Member

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    Whenever we discuss sex, she gets defensive and asks if that's all she is to me. I keep trying to tell her that it's not just sex to me. It's connecting on an emotional level that words cannot express, which rings true for me. I'm happy in every other way in this relationship, except the sex...which is aggravating. I think she carries some baggage into this relationship from her previous ones. I'm the only man she's dated that hasn't cheated on her.

    Her previous boyfriend was an on and off relationship for 5 years. He slept with hundreds of women in that time frame. He was the worst. I'm coming into this relationship where the only examples of boyfriends she's had are turds. I just don't know how to deal with this situation.

    The sex can't be that boring for her. One of the last times I went down on her, which was a while ago because we've been split up for a few months, she was bucking so hard that she gave me a bloody nose. She was close to her period at the time and thought that it was her. I can tell that she has a good time while she's with me. I just don't understand all the drama that sex entails with this woman.
     
  11. Wirenut

    Wirenut New Member

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    Wow, Cope! I know exactly what you mean, even down to getting stuck with her bad view of all men because of crappy ex's. It's not just that there's not enough sex...in my mind it implies that either my pain of slowly starving for the lack of sex is beneath her notice or that my happiness and needs are not a priority to her. Sex isn't what our relationship is based on, but it's often called "the barometer of a relationship" indicating problems that aren't always obvious. I've done a bit of homework trying to figure out this same problem.

    I've read in evolutionary psychology books (mostly Wright's "The Moral Animal", also "A General Theory of Love", Brizendine's "the Female Brain", "A Natural History of Love", "The New Psychology of Love", etc.)that the "honeymoon" phase is usually around eighteen months of great interest in your sexy perfect partner up on their pedestal followed by a darker more realistic view with a sharp sexual decline. What I've read suggests that it would have encouraged couples to stay together long enough to have a baby together and time for the mother to recover from birth enough to fend for herself again. Not very romantic view, but like most of the evolutionary psychology I've read it was presented in a convincing, compelling, and depressing way.
     
  12. Dreama

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    Try nonviolent communication. Read Marshall Rosenberg. He's great, and I bet you'd be better off in your relationship having read it. :)
     
  13. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    That's quite true. My wife wants to do me just about every night (although sometimes one or both of us are just too friggin' tired after work, a child, chores, other responsibilities, etc. :ugh)

    There's a lot of wisdom in the above statements about the state of the relationship and sex. In general, most women need to feel loved outside the bedroom before they want to be "loved" in the bedroom. (And the same is true for some men.) My wife used to dread sex with her ex-BF...he wasn't exactly good to her, so she didn't have any interest in doing him. I'm (in general) quite good to my wife, and I can't remember a single time she's ever actually told me "no" (not a single time in 12 years :D. Of course, if I know she's not feeling well or really tired, I leave her alone unless she initiates something). Now, it doesn't hurt that I'm a decent lover...but the thing that I believe makes the difference is that I put conscious effort into trying to make her feel loved every single day. I'd say back up and talk sincerely with her about the relationship, not just sex.

    BD
     
  14. cbrmale

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    I understand why you think you're wasting your time, because you can see this relationship ending. I can't guess your girlfriends inner feelings, but I think you are on the right course. There are a lot of mis-matched couples in many ways, especially sexually mis-matched.

    There are women out there who enjoy good sex three or four times a week with their husband, even after more than 20 years. I know this because I am married to one. It probably helps that we are attuned to each other in many ways, and we have many shared interests in life. All couples who are in sequence with each other partake in give-and-take in the things that they know are important. Sex sometimes falls into this category, but so do other things.

    For me, the two primary drivers in my relationship are friendship and sex, so you are not alone with your desire for sex, as you probably realised.

    Let your girlfriend know what you are feeling without being confrontational. Use the 'I' word when discussing your desires, rather than 'you'.

    As regards the psychology of sex as quoted above, the 18 month to 3 year timeframe is about right. But this can get overridden when a woman ís so attached to her partner that she doesn't want him to leave her. Therefore she will trade sex to keep his interest, trade sex to keep him in her life. This is why some relationships absolutely sparkle, and some fizzle out.
     
  15. igor

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    I dunno - in your first post you said you want a lover, not a friend and that sex was the most important thing to you. I don't blame her for wondering if that's all you want. While you might find a long term fuck-buddy, I think most will want a good all-round relationship.
     
  16. Barbwire

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    I think Igor may be onto something.
     
  17. bucky

    bucky New Member

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    I think Cope's SO is beginning to feel like a cum dump. Not good for an LTR.
     
  18. cook74

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    The poor man hasn't had a decent sex life for the last 18 months and it it is possible he might be in two minds as to what he thinks about the whole situation.

    Lets not pick at tiny inconsistencies in his posts, but try and focus on the bigger picture.

    A man is at his wits end as he believes he has done everything he can to make the relationship work (albeit for him, but nevertheless...we, as humans are often programed that way.)

    I have a very good idea of what the OP is going through and I feel sorry for both of them, it must be a difficult, frustrating and uncomfortable situation for both. She must be feeling down as well.

    My advice is this... The future may not get much brighter in regards to you getting your sexual gratification. If that is what you hold to be the most important thing then you have only one option.

    But if you truly love her then, even if it takes years, you will try to resolve this issue together and make this relationship work for the both of you.
     
  19. Joe

    Joe
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    If one was stranded in the desert for days without water, I'd imagine a tall glass of ice water would become the "primary need", while if one was stranded in a blizzard, shelter and warmth would become the primary need. Likewise, if you're in a relationship without sex, sex becomes the primary need.

    I understand Cope's feelings. Everything else in the relationship seems fine; all he needs to make it "perfect" is good sex.
     
  20. igor

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    According to him all he needs is good sex but that didn't appear to be all that she wanted. Oh yes, sex is important (just ask me - I've been without for 4 years) but that alone does not make a relationship - at least not for very long.