Desperatly Seeking Advice!

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Veronica, Jan 12, 2007.

  1. Veronica

    Veronica New Member

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    I am reaching out as a last resort. I need advice about my marriage. I have been with my husband for six years and married for almost three now, and I feel absolutely no connection with him. This all started about four years ago. I can actually pinpoint the time that I realized things weren't as great anymore. I don't know how or why, but I just grew apart from him. The connection was gone, and I found myself not wanting sex. I didn't tell him for a very long time, becuse at first I was in denial. I thought that if I ignored it, it would go away. Then came fear of change and the unknown. When you've been with someone SO long, it's hard to imagine a life without him. We also have two children, which makes the change even more difficult. I guess I had fears of breaking us all apart. I had fears of hurting him as well. I told him just last summer, after three years of faking it. I tried and tried to develop some sort of a connection again. It has been a constant emotional battle. He has been trying EVERYTHING to help. He has been very open from the start to getting us back...He is fighting so hard to save us. He is a good man; any
    woman would be lucky to have him. Sometimes I feel quite stupid for not wanting him. I DO have love for him...it has just gotten to the point that it's not romantic. He's not repulsive or anything, I just can't even think of sex with him without feeling gross. I can remember the first few years when we were so passionate-both physically and emotionally-and I can't understand how I ever felt that way. I have a raging sex drive on the inside, I just have no desire to actually do those things. Has anyone ever been through this?

    Thanks if you've read this far! I know it might be a mooshy, redundant post lol I just had to get it out.
     
  2. heelfetish

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    Welcome to :sf! I'm sorry to hear of your current situation. I wish I had some perfect advice that would make everything better, but sadly I don't.

    I do have a question for you though. According to your post, you state that you lost this connection before you were married. If so, why would you marry him? You mention you have children... Were they born before or after you were married?

    It sounds to me like there simply isn't any sexual attraction to your husband. That's really unfortunate. You say that you have love for him, but I can only assume that's not enough.

    Have you tried counseling? Are you willing to try to make the marriage work? Do you see yourself with this man 10 years from now? If so, what will your relationship be like.

    Having kids really does complicate matters. But all too often parents stay married 'for the kids' in a loveless marriage. And this can be equally hard on your children as a separation.

    I may be wrong, but from what I read, it sounds like he is trying to make things work, but you have already made up your mind that they won't. Is that true? If so, I think you answered your own question; what you do next is up to you.

    Whatever happens, my heart goes out to you and your family.

    Now, where's Rose with some deep and profound advice of hers?
     
  3. Veronica

    Veronica New Member

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    We married because I was still in the denial phase. I firmly believed in a fresh start and staying together. I can look back and say that it wasn't the best choice, but I can't go back. I need to deal with what's happening now. I am willing to do counseling, of course. I am willing to explore all options before seperating. I have gotten myself to the point (after feigning attraction for so long) that I don't even know how I feel anymore about everything. Make sense? Can I trust my own thoughts? My mind is so muddled down with everything, it's confusing. Hopefully, hearing how other people have gotten through this situation might give us pointers! :)
     
  4. heelfetish

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    Thanks for the clarification, that's what I thought about the marriage thing. Hopefully someone has been in your shoes can chime in, because besides listening to what you have to say, i don't have much (good) advice to offer.

    My thoughts are that if both of you are willing to try, then there may be hope for the relationship yet. But it will take a true commitment from both of you.
     
  5. Veronica

    Veronica New Member

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    Thank you :) I really do appreciate the input. It's always good to hear objective views....I'm going crazy over here being pulled in so many directions from friends and family. Send me to the looney bin and pass the thorazine! lol j/k
     
  6. johnnyangel694u

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    I am only asking these questions out of different perspective. Is the lost of sexual desire only for him or is something else affecting your desire such as medication or kids? Have you tried releasing your desires yourself or doing something to aid in your sexual health like toys or movies? The mistake I made was I married for the quantity instead of quality of sex. Now that the quantity is gone so has the excitement. Just a little different view of things. I sympathize with you.
     
  7. Veronica

    Veronica New Member

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  8. johnnyangel694u

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    No I do not have an emotional connect with her. We never had an emotionally connect in the bedroom. She use to want it all the time but it was for her, not me. The passion for sex for me was satisfying her. When that got old then I was left hanging. Then depression for her, meds. leading to diminished drive. Sex was just plan old ordinary sex. Nothing different. The statement that I always used was she was nympho that hated everything about sex.
     
  9. loveit247

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    I have felt like this for two of my ex's. I ended both relationships. My dimminished sex drive with the first one came about because he was useless. Lived with his annoying, overbearing mother, never used to brush his teeth or clean his room. He irritated me beyond anything. I left him.

    The second one was because our relationship went to hell, he could not for the life of him figure out why hitting me in the face caused me to not want to sleep with him. Go figure.

    Mine were not as complicated as yours is. You are married and have kids. You need to get some counciling as soon as you can to see if you can in fact work through this. Good luck. It is not a nice feeling.