Desperately Trying To Understand

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Mongatron, Apr 27, 2011.

  1. Mongatron

    Mongatron New Member

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    Hey all:
    I just got out of a complicated relationship that ranged from friendship, to lovers, to boyfriends, to friends-with-benefits, all in that order. There were many factors that lead to the breakup, but one I can't get over is that he claimed that a lot of the sex we had was simply "to make me happy", which I now interpret as pity sex. This does make sense if you knew our history. He instead chooses to have frequent casual sex with virtual strangers. People he meets online and has known for less than an hour. I received information that he will hook up with a guy, then get them to invite as many other guys over as possible. This of course crushed me to hear. What made it worse was that he has apparently expressed (to others) of wanting to be a "cum dump".

    This really hits a major nerve in me. I think it all boils down to what I think is appropriate and "moral", and what he thinks is appropriate and "moral". I admit that I get off on some serious stuff in pornography, but most of it I won't actually do in real life. Is this normal? Is what he is doing normal? In a way I feel like he simply choosing that life over me, which I'm sure it's not that black and white.

    What also hits that nerve is that now I place him in the same category as all of the other "fags", meaning he's exhibiting the stereotypical behavior of an inflated id, deflated super-ego, all serving for the self with little regard for others. Drugs and very casual sex are high on their list. I don't mean to sound rude, elitist or prejudiced; I myself am a gay man. I'm no angel.

    So the relationship is over, why care now? It's affecting me now. I feel awful, disgusted, angry. And it's greatly reduced my libido. I feel awful just watching porn.

    I really need some input on this, and I hope this makes some sense to someone out there.
     
  2. Meee

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    The word "normal" sucks. It's just a way to make people feel bad about themselves. It's just a way to make people try to fit and not stretch out a little. But it's the only thing you actually ask about in your whole post.

    I notice, by the way, that you have a stereotype that you don't like, and you label it "fag." You found some ways that he fits that stereotype, and then you threw in some other parts of the stereotype to make the situation sound worse. You didn't say he does drugs, but you threw that in anyway so you could connect him to people who are worse than he actually is. You used something he doesn't necessarily do to judge him even more harshly by association. That's what prejudice is. You can say you don't mean to be prejudiced, but it's something that you need to explore about yourself some more.
     
  3. Moon

    Moon New Member

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    Love, I'm not much good at this, but I couldn't read and run.

    Two thoughts.
    You are not responsible for his behaviour.
    You said "I myself am a gay man. I'm no angel" - being gay doesn't make you 'wrong' or 'bad' in any way, you are you, unique and special.

    Be who you are, don't try to fit in with others ideas of right and wrong, and you will attract like minded people.

    So hard, and I'm sorry you're going through this xx
     
  4. nurseharley

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    sweet home...
    i'm not sure how much yall being 'gay' really has to do with anything.

    i'd look at it as any other relationship. i'll assume you have feelings for this man since you were at a time boyfriends. it's hard to turn off your feelings toward someone, even when the relationship is over or you're simply 'friends with benefits' (which is why i've never been into FWBs). it's perfectly normal to be upset by the things he has done, i think most of us would be. if he is really into that lifestyle of which you despise, its better that the two of you are no longer together.

    what exactly are you trying to understand? why you care or why he acted this way?

    just forget him....it'll become easier in time.
     
  5. Mongatron

    Mongatron New Member

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    Moon: Now that I read that line it is not at all what it seems. I meant those as two totally different statements. Yes, I'm gay, and have no issues with that. I'm no angel was simply saying that I can't say I haven't had one-night stands or something that someone else would find questionable. Sorry for the confusion. In *no* way do I think that being gay is any way bad or wrong.
     
  6. Mongatron

    Mongatron New Member

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    Mee: I may not be making myself clear enough. I should have mentioned that he does have a past with drugs, and the parts of the stereotype I depicted all describe him. Perhaps I should have provided more on his personality before laying out what he did to upset me.
     
  7. Moon

    Moon New Member

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    Thank goodness for that :)

    You and he want different things from life, his way is his way, your way is yours. If your paths are heading in different directions then this break up was bound to happen. Think of it as you both need something the other can't give, rather than him choosing something else over you.
     
  8. Mittimer

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    Sweetheart,
    I've been following your posts since you first joined this forum and your relationship with this man seems to bring you nothing but pain.

    I understand that you care about him. That you love him and want him. You care about his well being and everything else.

    But listen to me when I say this. There comes a time in your life when no matter how much you love someone, you have to let them go.

    You'll always worry about him, but it's over, it's been over for a long time. You have no right to look upon him and ask "is this behavior normal" because in all honesty, it's not your concern anymore. It's his life and he has a choice to do with it as he pleases. His sexual desires and fantasy's, while they may not be safe, are again, his choice.

    I feel for you, love and I understand it's hard to watch, been there done that. Just hold your head up high and walk away.
     
  9. sinner

    sinner New Member

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    Count another vote for moving on. You deserve better.
     
  10. Alwayslearningsex

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    Being gay is simply being gay, and many straight people are worse than no angels, no worries, just accepting oneself is important.
    I think your guy was not ready to be monogamous and wants lots of sex, lots of partners, so consider yourself lucky you are out, consider hepatitis, HIV, etc. Whether drugs are involved or not, but if they are and partners share needles the risks are higher. You are lucky you are out but let your pain take its course, live through it, there is no other way. Good luck man.