[Ask a Girl] Dealing with unwanted attention

Discussion in 'Ask a Guy/Girl' started by nurseharley, Feb 20, 2011.

  1. nurseharley

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    sweet home...
    This is for everyone.

    I am not a complete stranger in dealing with unwanted attention, and I usually know how to respectfully make it clear they should stop because I have no interest in them, but this is a bit different.

    The man I'm now receiving it from happens to be related to me, in more ways than one, and there really isn't a great way to go about confronting him with it. I find him all too often looking at my body when he thinks I don't notice and making inappropriate jokes about/towards me, which makes me feel extremely awkward and uncomfortable.

    He has done this before and it stopped for a while but now it's all happening again. I have been in a situation like this before, but I was all too young to understand what was going on - I'm not now.

    Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it?
     
  2. HardRocker

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    My sister had a situation with a cousin of about the same age as she is. He actually couldn't keep his hands to himself, as well as the leering. She finally just quit going to family gatherings where she knew he would be in attendance, which means mostly Thanksgiving and Easter. She managed to wrestle the traditional Thanksgiving gathering to her house, in another city, and not invite the offender.
     
  3. Trond

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    I guess you have already signaled some kind of irritation in this context, but that he's not backing off. Perhaps you could somehow make it clear that you are not the kind of person who would silently gloss over bad things that happen. Maybe you could tell him (in other contexts or in this specific one) that you won't take any crap from anybody. Some guys keep pushing because they think the person in question will never 'tell on them' or make a big thing out of it.
     
  4. Alwayslearningsex

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    I'd be curious to know whether he is related to you, sounds like it.
    Anyway, maybe just too bad so sad, put him in his place and let it be known very clearly this kind of crap doesn't feel good and you don't want it. If he disrespects you this way he doesn't deserve the tact you hope to use. I can be tactless when I get pissed off but if you are able to accomplish what you want with tact good for you.
    Maybe have someone he cares about nearby and confront him in the other's presence, to be real clear what it is you want to stop.
    Don't be a nasty bitch but get right to the point.
    Will you update In some places there are recourses for this and what he is doing is HARASSMENT however it seems to be a sensitive situation you are dealing with. I wish you the best, SL.
     
  5. Alwayslearningsex

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    "Some guys keep pushing because they think the person in question will never 'tell on them' or make a big thing out of it."

    Exactly. Don't keep it to yourself, share it with others you trust who care for you. When on your own turf like said above don't invite him, but all the others are welcome. This should send a clear message to the rest of the family that you are turned off ..... assuming he is family.
     
  6. nurseharley

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    sweet home...
    yes, i said in the thread that he is related to me lol

    i also happen to live with him, which makes avoiding him or not having any contact with him nearly impossible. i wouldnt say what he is doing is "harassment" and i don't think he would act on anything - he just makes it really hard for me to be around him. thank you :)

    i HAVE shared it with others. i told my mom about it and she did nothing because she didnt want to cause tension in the home and told me i may be overreacting.
     
  7. Alwayslearningsex

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    I would not call it overreacting if this is making you feel uncomfortable.
    Your mom doesn't want to cause tension?!?!?! You are her daughter.
    Where I live such things are ground for harassment charges or investigation at work and other contexts, hence the saying.
    What about some one on one with your mom to discuss more and get her to support you? What about talking with him and telling how it makes you feel? Maybe in front of your mom, girlfriends, ..... Just ideas.
    Really is tricky I see.
     
  8. fothermucker

    fothermucker New Member

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    I hate to be the one to say it, but sometimes you just have to be very blunt and to the point. I know in this instance, it may be a bit awkward, but something needs to be done about it. If you need someone to talk to about it, you know how to get a hold of me.
     
  9. ngfl

    ngfl New Member

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    I think fothermucker is right. It sounds like you've tried the diplomatic approach with no success, so it might be time for brutal honesty. Some people just don't pick up on unwanted signals.

    I understand that you don't want to rock the boat, so to speak, with this gentleman because you live together, but you're already uncomfortable. If what he's doing makes you uncomfortable, it's already wrong.
     
  10. Trond

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    Sorry to inject a little humor into this sad situation but:

    When in trouble, or in doubt
    Run in circles, scream and shout

    Although it's a joke, it might actually work in this case. Snap at him real hard. Give him the impression that if anything really uncomfortable were to happen, all hell would break loose. Most people would back off after that. Good luck!
     
  11. nurseharley

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    don't be sorry for injecting humor. that's how i deal with things, just make a big joke out of it.

    i'm so horrible in situations like this. i don't like confrontation and i know thats no excuse but i'll try to build up the courage to actually nip this in the bud. i just hope it doesn't turn into a huge ordeal.

    i hope i can get wifi from the ditch..
     
  12. Trond

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    ditch?? Sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about.:)

    But I see your problem. I am also non-confrontational. Or rather, I have a looong fuse. I CAN make people really uncomfortable when I get angry though.

    If he has a shred of decency, he should grow pale when you shout and slam the door in his face. Maybe he will even apologize.

    Please keep us updated on this one, OK?
     
  13. nurseharley

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    oh you people from norway.....

    i don't think he'll take it well. we've already had problems in the past. either way, i'll keep you updated!
     
  14. fothermucker

    fothermucker New Member

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    By no means am I saying you need to be aggressive about the situation; but at the same time, you can't be passive either. You just need to sit this person down, and basically explain that it makes you uncomfortable and that it needs to stop. You could try the baseball bat upside the head trick, but really that doesn't seem like your style. It does, however, work like a charm for people like me.:p You just need to let him know that his actions do not go unnoticed, they make you feel uncomfortable, and are not appreciated.
     
  15. nurseharley

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    yeah being passive isn't working too well. thanks for the advice. i better work on my serious face and tone :D
     
  16. dukefan

    dukefan New Member

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    Sounds like a difficult sitituation, hate that you are going throught it. I think everyone is pretty much right, confront the person. Amazingly, that works sometimes once they realize you aren't going to put up with it. Good luck
     
  17. fothermucker

    fothermucker New Member

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    You do realize we expect pics of your serious face.:p
     
  18. Trond

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    Yeah, FM's idea might be better than mine:eyes. Sorry, I have no idea what it's like to be a girl in such situations. Well, except that I had to give a gay guy "the evil eye" in the gym locker room once to make him back off :lol.

    The only slight objection I have is that I know one person who could turn such a discussion around on almost anyone, making you feel bad. But he's a charismatic psycho.....Hopefully not the case here :ugh
     
  19. fothermucker

    fothermucker New Member

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    In most cases, putting someone on the spot about something they are doing is enough to solve the problem. This person would have to be extremely manipulative to pull off turning it around on SWL. I don't know anything about this person, but that possibility is there. My fiancee's grandmother can make my fiancee feel bad about something she had absolutely nothing to do with. I have learned to have a special hatred for the manipulative type for this reason, and have made my stance on that kind of action very clear. Now she just makes it a point to pull her guilt trips when I'm not around to say something.:eyes
     
  20. Ready2Please

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    I was going to say the same thing. Don't be mean but let him know you don't like it. What if he does this to other women. If I had a relative looking at me like that I'd be pissed and tell him off. :lol But that is just me.

    Good Luck Lady!!!! We are here for you. :)