dealing with the exgirlfriend. help!

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by knb06, Sep 28, 2007.

  1. knb06

    knb06 New Member

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    This kinda long but please read...I need some serious help! :(

    I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 months which doesn't seem like a long time to me...especially when he was with his ex-girlfriend/first love for 3 years! He broke up with her last November because he said they were always fighting and didn't want to be with her anymore. I know that since then she has tried to get back with him (right before we started dating even) but he claims he never wanted to. I know that he loves me and he has never given me any sign of wanting to be with her. He is the most amazing boyfriend i have ever had and we love each other very much. The problem is that I can't get over the ex situation. They were together for 3 years so naturally they have a lot of history. I dated a guy on and off for 4 years so i know what thats like. But it makes me so jealous of what they had. :ugh

    To make things worse about a month ago I was dying my hair at my boyfriend's house and I got in the shower to wash it out. When I got out the mirrors were steamed up and on the medicine cabinet mirror I could see the words "I love you" and "I love you too" which they wrote on there when a while ago :whoa. It was so horrible to see because then I started thinking about them in there together....taking a shower!!! :mad It hurt me so much. When I finally mentioned it to my boyfriend he apologized and said it was from a long time ago and that he thought he washed it off.

    She has a boyfriend right now but she has told my boyfriend that she isn't happy with him. She is also pregnant with her new boyfriend and wanted to talk to my boyfriend about it because "he's the only one she can trust." He asked me if it was ok to talk to her and I told him yes but that it makes me uncomfortable and since he is such a great guy he told me he wants to make sure I am happy so he wouldn't talk to her. I know I shouldn't worry or stress about her because my boyfriend loves me but I can't get over the fact that they have so much history together and that she is still lingering around. Shouldn't I be happy that she may have his past but I have his future? Any advice would be awesome!!!!
     
  2. magicdragonfly

    magicdragonfly New Member

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    Personally, I'm a 'cut off all contact' with the exes person.
    Especially when it's fresh.
    I admit that I've sent a 'how is it going? here's a sort of update on my life. Congrats on your engagement!' message to an ex when I saw him on facebook, but even that seems like too much if it hasn't been a while since you broke up.

    But! This is really something that you have to get over. You've both had long term relationships in the past, and they've broken up now.

    And he seems to be acting really sensitive about it, which really shows he loves you.

    If it makes you uncomfortable for him to be talking to her, tell him that. Maybe it'd help just to know that they weren't talking anymore.

    ETA:
    And try to remember that you do have the future with him, so long as you don't let this jealousy get in the way. I know your relationship is still young, but think positive. Think about how in 10 years, if you guys are still together, you'd look back at how you're feeling now and realize how silly it was.

    That's a good thing to do with a lot of situations-
    if you are stressing about something a whole lot, try to jump far into the future. Will it still be a big deal? Usually the answer is "No", even if you only jump a year or so.
     
    #2 magicdragonfly, Sep 28, 2007
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2007
  3. heelfetish

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    Your feelings are normal. However, normal or not, it's best if you try to move on. Respect that you both have history. There is nothing he can do to change the past, you are only making it worse by dwelling on it. Take comfort in the fact that he is with you now, and that he loves you. By the sounds of it he could be with her if he chose; it should be clear that he doesn't want her and that he has chosen to be with you. Don't drive him away with acts of jealousy.

    By all means let him know that you aren't comfortable with his past and with her in particular, but IMO you should leave it at that. This is something you're going to have to deal with. Yes, he has history. But so do you.

    My wife has a particularly hard time with my ex of 4 years, and even though we've been together 9 years and married for 7, she still is uncomfortable with it. There is nothing I can do for her except assure her I love her and only her. My ex is just that: ancient history. I wouldn't change the way things happened if I could. The song 'Unanswered Prayers' from Garth Brooks comes to mind. :)
     
  4. metroid

    metroid New Member

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    Hmmm honey i didnt know you too were on sf. I thought we had talked about this but i guess you need someone else to help you? Anyways on a serious note, im going thru the exact same phase with my current girlfriend. Seriously its not even funny how much it resembles my current situation. As much as she loves me and trust me i know she still has this small fear of me getting back or cheating on her with my ex. Last sunday we got into a big argument and the she called me crying asking me if "she had lost me to her" and "if i was gonna go back to my ex". Especially when she has found out that in the last couple of weeks my ex had been trying to get me to have sex with her. Ive reassured her plenty of times that i would never cheat on her and that i love her. As far as me having any contact with my ex its just thru texts once in a while (i dated my ex for over 3 years) and thats just a "hi how you been" type of text. I get the feeling that either she will never trust me when it comes to my ex or that it will take a long time. You should trust your boyfriend. He is with you after all just let him know how you feel. And if you really trust him and loves you as much as he says he does you dont have anything to worry about when it comes to his ex.
     
  5. Bluesy

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    If I were you, I would sever ties with the ex. It's one thing if both people have moved on and are no longer romantically interested in each other, and another thing entirely when one ex is putting the moves on the other. Severing ties is the healthy thing to do for your relationship at this point.
     
  6. heelfetish

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    I couldn't agree more. :)
     
  7. knb06

    knb06 New Member

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    thanks so much guys this is really helping. plus its good to know that people are going through the same thing!
     
  8. Animularisen

    Animularisen New Member

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    Sweetheart i have the same sort of problems...
    well did
    ive been with my boyfriend 8 months now and we're engaged

    but when we first met, i hated all his ex's... and he is the most perfect lad i've ever met too lol
    His ex wanted him back and did some spiteful things that hurt me to get him but he never budged
    he just decided he wasn't going to speak to her because of what a child she was being. She made one of her friends try and break us up by spreading that he was dating her and not me... which made me think he was cheating coz he hung with her a bit sometimes... but hes a good lad and he sorted everything out and he stopped seeing her because it hurt me.

    You sound like you've got a good one, take one day at a time and remember you've gotten this far and he understands you by the sounds of it.

    It'll work (Y)