Cutting Back Marital Sex in Times of Tension

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Logger, Sep 18, 2006.

  1. Logger

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    My wife and I have been arguing about our budget. So that has been going on for a few days. I decided to cut back on what sex I might expect, but not cut myslef off from all sex in th marriage. I just decided to settle for less of what I want, but still ejaculate in the marital bed.

    Last night I slept on the couch for a while, then went up to bed. I usually take off my wife's clothes, massage her, and get permission for at least dry humping. Usually I apply vaseline to her vagina, but last night I left her alone.

    Last night, I left her clothes on. I just massaged her a little, and then massaged her but, and did some circles just near the start of her ass crack. I pumped for a good while, breathed heavily, and climaxed. Shortly after I climaxed, my wife began putting her feet on my legs and stomach, an indication she was ready for more. I was exhausted and went to sleep.

    Today, my wife called from her work, and compromised on some issues regarding visiting some relatives on my side.

    In the past, I might go sleep in my travel trailer or get a cheap motel for the night if she wants to be unpleasant. Last night, I reduced my request for her participation in marital sex, to about the bare minimum, and she seemed to understand my strategy of disagreeing in an agreeable manner.

    Is there a way to cut marital sex further back?
     
  2. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    Sex and arguments should be separate. If you do not seperate the two you will find an erosion in your relationship with her and you will be heading for disaster. Based on your posting it sounds as though you are heading for power / control in your relationship and in all honesty that is the last place you want to be heading. In my honest opinion you need to take step back and treat her with tenderness. Otherwise you will be the driver in the ensuing car wreck.
     
  3. Logger

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    Dear Yorkie Smuf,

    Thank you for you suggestion of separating times of ses from times of arguments. Just because my wife wants to argue, when we should be having sex, does not mean that an argument has to occur. It takes two to argue. I can stop my advances if my wife wants to argue, and give her some time to see that I am not going to argue at the time for sex. I can wait for some period of minutes, and resume advances, until a new objection is raised.

    Lately, when my wife wants to coninue an argument past the period of a constructive dialogue, I have excused myself, and gone to bed. Seems to end the argument. Eventually she comes to bed.

    You are further correct that if I am overly insistant on certain issues, then I am becoming controlling. If I simply stop arguing, then I have turned some significant control over to my wife. I have not insisted that I am right, nor that she is wrong.

    Deending upon my wife's degree of desire toargue, I may scale back my expectation for cooperatin from my wife, and work on gettinng myself off sooner, rather than waiting for her to cooperate more fully later.
     
  4. Bluesy

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    What a better world it would be if we all acknowledged that none of us is right *or* wrong.

    That's very enlightened of you, Logger. It sounds like you're on your way to making your marriage stronger and better.
     
  5. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    Cutting back on sex in NOT the thing to do! Good sex is often a sign of good communication! Maybe you need to hear her out! Find out what's bothering her and fix it! And then get it straight (pun intended!) between you two!
     
  6. Logger

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    Update:

    My wife still likes to argue. I have been able to create a time of putting aside arguments, by advancing foreplay and sensual accupressur/massage. Sometimes it takes a few rejections to get her to stop arguing.

    So Tonight I just plan to be ready for a few cycles of appraching and getting rejected. Saturday, I masturbated climaxed while my wife was working on something on the bedroom computer. It was time to get up in themorning, and it had been acouple days, and she did not want to come back to bed, so I just whacked off and didn't worry about it.

    We'll see how far I get tonight, but I will just pump myself off, if she doesn't want the action.

    Some wbsites say safe up climaxing till your wife is ready. I have been trying that approach, but it is sometimes 4 or 5 days, waiting for my wife to get into some kind of mood. Then my productivity slumps, b ecause I am thinking about sex instead of getting stuff done.

    I have had girl friends who objected to my pumping myself off. At least my wife for now is OK with my squirting without being in her body. It is just a matter of adjusting to what works. I got a few things doen Saturday and Sunday, but I need to get more motivated, and less blocked.


    .
     
  7. Logger

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    Last night my wife was tense because a few of her relatives are in town,form out-of-town. My wife was not as pleasant as possible. She seemed to be trying to start a fight.

    So I made a few advances, last night, but kind of did not push very hard, and never got a rejection, but no go-ahead either.

    So I feel I need to work on my attitude, when my wife is not pleasant. I did unlock my lubes, but never got them out. I think I need to take a more assertive role, and push till I get a rejection, if she is being unpleasant. I should match her disrespect with my degree of forward assertiveness.

    The idea of using sex as punishment is not my ideal approach to thinking about sex, but a Scoprio woman takes some special approaches sometimes. Maybe Humiliation should be a goal in return for her badmouthing me. What a relationship
     
  8. Sexy Scholar

    Sexy Scholar New Member

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    I think that you are thinking about it all wrong. There should be no retribution (in anything, really).

    If you want to be like bonobos (and who doesn't?!), increase intimate sex because it is the start to making-up and will help you two find solutions after you really feel like a team.
     
  9. Brad

    Brad New Member

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    I'm with what Sexy Scholar said.
    Forgive me if I've got the measure of your comments wrong, but:

    To me, it seems like you are trading sex like a commodity.

    Also there seems way too much focus on the "Power" aspect.

    Also it seems like there is massive amounts of inbuilt frustration from many angles.

    I think the issues you have described need a lot of adjustment both sides and a more understanding and less confrontational attitude.

    Good luck.
     
  10. maryf48

    maryf48 New Member

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    I'm with Brad.
     
  11. heelfetish

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    I'll agree with Brad too. You're using sex as a weapon of power, withholding sex to get your way. Sure, it may stop an argument in the short term, but in reality you two aren't working anything out. IMO you both need to sit down and work out your issues. And sorry to say, that involves compromise for both parties.

    Sex and finances are two separate issues. Sex is not a tool to be used to win arguments.

    After re-reading one of your posts, it is very clear that you two have some serious relationship issues. One should not have to resort to humiliation to stop a partner from bad-mouthing the other. Perhaps some couple's therapy is in order here? From your posts it's becoming obvious that your relationship is becoming increasingly dysfunctional. :(
     
  12. loveit247

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    I agree with HF. I am sure glad I am not the one in that relationship.

    I have recently worked through a situation for my SO. Afterwards he said that the love and respect he has for me has quadrupled due to how I handled it.

    He cheated on me while we were "on a break" and I use that term loosely because he kept affirming to me that he wanted to be exclusive with me.
    Knowing how the male mind works I was aware of what he would do and how to handle it.

    He was rotten to me for a few weeks after his shag went home and I knew why.

    I eventually got out of him what had happened and told him that he has used his one get out of jail free card, that I forgive him and love him.
    He asked how I could still love him after what he did and I explained that love does not just vannish and I know he is remorseful.

    That little story is an example of how in a relationship, partners should think of the most important thing first, their love they share. Do you really want to spite or punnish the person you love? I know I don't. So we talked, I forgave him and we have agreed to not speak of it again. I can do this because I have worked it through in my head and have no anger or resentment towards him because I understand his motives and would rather be with him then without.

    The two most important aspects in a relationship (IMO) are love/respect and forgiveness.
    Try this and you will see a great improvement. Any relationship that becomes a competition is doomed to fail.