Curiosity in relationship

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by kipro150, Apr 17, 2013.

  1. kipro150

    kipro150 Member

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    I'll preface with I will talk about it with my gf but can't till after work. But its bugging me and wanted to get peoples input. Please no attacks and stuff like a few threads have had. I'm also on my phone so I might word things weird

    My gf and I have been together for a year and were boh
    the each others first everything. I know she cares a lot about me. But she's also young and beginning to sexually open up so I think she does have a natural curiosity to sleep with other people. She's had several dreams and brought it up once or twice.

    I personally don't really have a desire to sleep with other people. All the social connections you need to make with another person to get to that point isn't really something I want. Neither is sex with someone I don't know not that that would happen

    So I'm just conflicted. I don't have the self esteem or confidence for her to sleep with someone else and still be together, but I absolutely don't want to break up and she doesnt either. Its all just this natural desire for her to try sex with different people and nothing more. Then I worry that I'm like...unhealthily surpressing her

    I dunno...
     
  2. Anotherday

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    Has she brought up that she wants to pursue these dreams/fantasies or does she just bring up that she has these dreams/fantasies?

    There's a huge difference there.

    My wife and I both have fantasies, often shared ones of being with others and/or being with others together. We talk about them and use them to flirt/turn each other on, but we've also discussed them in a practical manner and both feel that for us these fantasies should be left to just that-fantasy.

    Now, if she is expressing that she would like to take things further than just fantasy I'm not one to tell you how to go about handling that other than have some realistic discussions with her about it. Those discussions must include your feelings on the matter if you aren't willing/capable of going along. If her desires are so strong to have this you can either agree to ease into them with laid out terms with her or if it's just not for you and she feels that pursuing this is in fact worth ending the relationship for then that in my mind is better than having someone pursue this behind your back and being hurt even more.

    It sounds as though you are man enough to not want to repress her, a good discussion on your options allows for her and you to make a rationale decision together so that which ever way you go will hopefully be the best for both of you even if it's uncomfortable at first.

    And you don't have to close and lock the door on anything in a relationship. People and relationships evolve over time, this may be one of those issue the two of you could ease the door shut on and take a peek inside at a later date, or ease it open and take a peek inside now without fully opening it.
     
    #2 Anotherday, Apr 17, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2013
  3. redics_girl

    redics_girl Active Member

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    TOYS!!!!! They make toys for DP and other things to experiement with. Start with that.
     
  4. Anotherday

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    Oh yeah, that too!
     
  5. backcheck64

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    Very, very very few relationships with "firsts" lasts. Even if you get married, curiosity will end up tearing one or both apart. My advise, break it off, both explore others, maybe hook up later after some curiositys are satisfed. Neither me nor my wife were virgins when we met, I had quite a few miles in that dept, yet we just celebrated our 25th anniversery and couldn't be happier together...since we know what is out there.
     
  6. kipro150

    kipro150 Member

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    breaking it off isnt an option for us at this point. even SHE wouldnt take that well at all so it really has no point. We're already at a point where emotions/feelings are very high so it's not like staying together will lead to emotions being higher. It won't hurt more in the future staying together if this does become that level of a problem. And neither of us want marriage or kids any time soon so we'd run into other problems long before it got to that point

    I'll look into toys, but I really appreciate what you typed out Anotherday. I'm trying to come up with a way to talk about it in a non-defensive way but I tend to word things very blunt, but I do want to have that reality vs fantasy discussion
     
    #6 kipro150, Apr 17, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2013
  7. redics_girl

    redics_girl Active Member

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    ummm, just for the record, i was a virgin when i met redic, he was extremely more experienced. we did the whole explore other people together, and it really was not all its cracked up to be. much happier with just one man- mine!
     
  8. MordsithLove

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    http://www.sexualforums.com/39248-how-can-i-control-this.html

    One of my most serious threads in a cry for help.

    Basically, I was confused of what I wanted. I communicated with him and had then decided that we will stay together. A few weeks after that, he told me he wanted to break up, as for he too didn't know what he wanted.

    He felt that he was solely at fault for keeping away from venturing life and learning who I am. I was able to take my time to gather my things and get out. It is a very positive, clean and mutual break off. We still see each other time from time, as we raise a dog together.

    Basically stay in communication with her, and be very honest and true to what each others needs and wants are...don't let many years pass by as what I and my relationship went through. You can try toys, hot dates, and exploring more of each other....take mini weekend getaways...
     
  9. kipro150

    kipro150 Member

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    I'm still working up how exactly to discuss it without saying the wrong thing..or saying things the wrong way. I'm conflicted because I have insecurities...for instance, if she sleeps with another guy and it's life-changing sex (haha..my brain goes to extremes all the time) i'll feel like a piece of shit. I was also trying to be positive and open-minded but was very depressed and felt bad for feeling depressed about it since I didnt want her to feel bad for making me feel like that and make her afraid to tell me stuff. So I'm kinda bouncing between different trains of thought

    At the same time I dont want this to be a cancer that builds up. AT THE SAME TIME, she does have a handful of fantasies and thoughts that in reality wouldnt really work and this could absolutely be one of those things. She may think about it, but if it ever did get to the point of action I dont think she could do it (i know that sounds naive but..yea)

    I'll read through that thread tomorrow though. thanks for linking it
     
  10. dougsan

    dougsan New Member

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    Having life changing sex is not a reason to break up with the partner with whom you don't have life changing sex. Your partner can let you in on what to do and how to do it to improve.

    Your fear of not being able to accept your partner having sex with someone else is pretty common. If you can't then you can't. Discuss your problem. Maybe there's a middle ground? Maybe, your partner has no real wish to try other sex mates and is simply wondering. Also, you must keep in mind the perceived fact that couples with open arrangements tend to break up at a higher rate than straights.

    I suggest you and your partner keep in mind open relationships are not for everyone. In fact, I'd bet only a small percentage (less than 25%) of partnered people have open relationships. Remember you're reading in a forum which would tend to draw people who tend to be more open sexually. Don't copy any of us, determine with your partner what will be good for you both. It aint easy but it is the best way to proceed, IMO.
     
  11. fireontheside

    fireontheside Member

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    Honestly, I think you should look within yourself, conquer the jealousy, set parameters that you both agree on, and yes--let her have sex with someone else.

    That's my honest opinion. She doesn't belong to you. She's her own person and you need to let her be. So you don't want to sleep with someone else. Great. Then don't. But she needs to be allowed to do what she wants to do.

    Or you'll just break up anyway.
     
  12. MordsithLove

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    For me it was about sexual exploration, and massive temptation. I have never really dated, and got into a committed, monogamous relationship very early in age. I felt as if I was gonna miss out on my opportunity to be the single, independent woman I've always envisioned myself to be, it is definitely a part of life that I really wanted to experience. Being in love complicated this emotion and at times made the relationship hard to deal with and frustrating to put behind me.

    So that is what I am doing now, and thus far it has been great...haven't dated much though, I'm still dipping my feet into the water :D

    Basically however, don't think that it is you. Whatever her thoughts maybe, it could just be fantasy and nothing like of what I was going through...Keep your mind open to positive possibilities to outcome of this. You two are still young and have much more in life to explore, with or without each other.
     
  13. dougsan

    dougsan New Member

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    Fireontheside, if you're too afraid or whatever to date how can you offer advise about relationships?
     
  14. Succubus

    Succubus New Member

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    I agree with this. I think there are few exceptions like, some people just aren't that sexually inclined, experience/novelty seeking/curious -- but most are, and these days, sex is easy to find. I think thats why a lot of couples in general don't stay together. They don't have to, because not only do we live in an age where the worlds just populated so densely with other opportunities, but our culture has this underlying theme of "discontent" in order to keep the economy going.. bigger, better, more, different.. next! And people are treated as disposable commodity too. When I was dating, I set out with this attitude like, I just want to meet my soulmate and stay with them forever. I adapted quick after realizing to everyone else, theres a revolving door. Its sad, and its bleak, but yes there are few exceptions and I haven't met many. :ugh