Crossroads, don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Vanja, Dec 15, 2007.

  1. Vanja

    Vanja New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2007
    Messages:
    113
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Hey everyone.

    I'm new and none of you know me. Which is why I'm posting this here. I need advice from someone impartial.

    I have been in a long distance relationship for 3 1/2 years now. Don't ask how we have made it work but it has been working and it still is. The reason that it's still long distance is because we live in different countries. He's in the US and I'm way the hell up here. I have a daughter and I'm in law school. School has been going pretty well up until this semester because we have been having pretty bad issues lately. Mostly because of the distance. I haven't been paying attention to school and I failed all but one course I took. He has to do his thing where he lives. He would like to move up here but he can't yet (long story). I have my daughter to think of and school... I'm hesitant to take her from everything and everyone she knows to move down there (which would only be temporary though) and of course I'm also hesitant to walk away from the time and money I've invested in school. But I have a feeling that by making school the priority I'm walking away from him and all the time we have invested in this relationship. This is the best man I have ever come across and I love him very deeply. He loves me very deeply too. We have very open communication and know everything about each other. Which is why we have made it last this long I guess.

    But I have a feeling that we are losing "us" if we do this much longer. Our last issue was resolved but I think that's only going to be temporary. He's not happy like this and neither am I. I would move down there in a heartbeat if it wasn't for my daughter and school. I can't pick up where I left off (when I get back) because law school here doesn't allow that. You have to start from scratch if you take "time off". There just isn't any "time off" in this particular line of education.

    I don't want to lose him and I don't want to give up on school. But I'm tired of this life. This last shock was me failing those 3 courses. Not that I was surprised... I knew it was coming since I have been "absent". But it's still a schock to see the numbers. I guess I'm just feeling extremely depressed over everything right now and need a fresh perspective. I just don't know where to go from here and I know he doesn't want to pressure me into anything... like he said: "if you give up school chances are that you will blame me for it later on". I think he may have a point there. And for the record, he's not giving me an ultimatum and hasn't said anything about ending this. That's just a feeling I have about "us" now. I just don't want to lose the best man I've known. I wasn't even going to have any more relationships when I met him. And now I can't imagine my life without him.

    I'm Tired, with a big T. What am I going to do? What would you do? :(
     
  2. Hot Wheels

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2006
    Messages:
    3,415
    Likes Received:
    37
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sydney,Australia
    I feel for you.....that is a tough one.....:uhh:
    But you did say that he was "eventually" coming up to be with you.....
    I mean,...do you have any sort of timeframe when this may occur?? give yourself some sort of goal or at least something to look forward to perhaps.....
    Whilst I understand and agree with your reasoning for not wanting to leave your home,
    Id really like to know what the "long story" is of why he cant be with you sooner....:)
     
  3. Bluesy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2006
    Messages:
    3,779
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Female
    If I were the one confronted with this situation, I would say that it's time for the relationship to progress or it's time for it to come to a close. Three and a half years is a long time...you both should know by now whether or not you're "right" for one another and whether or not you want to make a commitment to one another. If there's any hemming or hawing at this point, I would have to say it's time to move on.

    That's just MHO, of course. I think you deserve to know where this relationship is headed, and if he's incapable of providing answers...maybe he's not The One, you know? :shrug

    My best to you.
     
  4. Vanja

    Vanja New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2007
    Messages:
    113
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Many thanks to the both of you for taking the time to read and respond, I appreciate it very much.

    We have the timeframe and that's what we have been focusing on the whole time. We knew this would be a long distance thing from the beginning and we knew it would be extremely hard but we went ahead anyway. It's mostly a "take it one day at a time" thing.
    We did have a goal but my absense this semester has upset that plan... guess it's time for damage control.
    The short version is that he's on probation which will be in effect until 2009 so he can't even leave the state he's in. So his hands are even more tied than mine :ugh


    If there is such a thing as "The One" he is it. We have known that all along.
    We both want to make the commitment and he knows what he wants. He wants us with him full-time... that has been clear for a long time. It really is all on me and what I decide to do. But you're right, he deserves to know where this thing is going. I don't want to put him in the 3rd place anymore (I don't see it like that but I can see why it looks like that to him).

    I just wish someone else would make that choice FOR me yaknow (IknowIknow... not possible) :eyes
     
  5. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    My personal opinion, given only what you've told us here, is that you need to realize that what you're doing with your education is a lifetime investment.

    My advice? Get back on track with your schooling. The only person you can be certain you'll be with until you die.... is you. Sounds harsh, but it needs to be understood, in order to make clear personal decisions. I think you owe it to everyone concerned (mostly yourself) to take full advantage of everything available to make your future and that of your daughter's more comfortable.

    If your relationship and love is as strong as you percieve, the remaining 1 - 2 years (until probation ends) is a small drop in the bucket. It sounds like a long time, but as a mature adult, sometimes one must put aside their emotional needs, and make the tough choices.
     
  6. Hot Wheels

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2006
    Messages:
    3,415
    Likes Received:
    37
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sydney,Australia
    Ok....2 questions Vanja....
    Have you spent any length of time with him during the past 3 and a half years?

    This "probation" thing makes me nervous...if hes been on probation for the past 3 or so years, and still has another 2 or so to go....you dont get that sort of penalty for having to many parking tickets....

    IMHO, based on what you have said....stay where you are, finish your courses and dont cause your daughter any grief by moving her away for the sake of a couple of years ....
    Even though you may feel that he is "The One"....he is also the one who got himself put on probation...not you....and it doesnt sound very fair that he appears to want you to give up your studies and uproot your family as well?
     
  7. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    I may be wrong, but I'm not sure that the boyfriend has asked her to drop her studies and move to the states. He has indicated that he feels she may 'blame him' for lost opportunites, if she did so. It's mainly just the stress involved, and the ensuing 'long-distance' bickering that possibly scares her (as to whether the relationship can take much more of it).

    That said,we both agree - it still is the best choice (imho) to stick with the education. :tup
     
  8. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    3,754
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Northern Indiana



    I just have to agree with Bluesy (again).
    You have not said what His reasons for staying here if He loves you deeply
    as you say.
    I will agree that a male is generally the one that dictates where you live
    But You just can't drop law school, Or jerk your daughter out of her
    School against her will, Then again She may love it here. And I'm sure
    She could get along well here, And what grade is She in.

    Hiker
     
  9. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    He's on probation until sometime in 2009.
     
  10. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2007
    Messages:
    2,647
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Well...when you don't know what to change, it's probably best to not change anything...ya know? Your education is an important thing, and it sounds like he understands that. And the fact is that if you finish your schooling and you guys do end up married or whatever, then you career will benefit him as much as it does you. I would tend to agree...if you give up your education for him, then eventually you part with him, you are going to have given up something pretty big.

    Have you guys made any commitments to each other? How frequently do you actually get to see each other in person? I feel concerned that he is on probation though...since you don't know us, tell us what he's on probation for. Based on what you've said, he seems to have his heart in the right place...but then, as someone said, you don't land on probation for parking tickets. Not judging or anything...but I think you do have to consider all factors. Also, how old is your daughter, and how does she feel about the guy?

    BD
     
  11. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2006
    Messages:
    450
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    First you must be commended for the long distance relationship lasting this long. Long distance relationships rarely work and lead to a lot of heartache. I have been in one and it was a difficult one to manage in the end it ended.

    Having lived in the US and being a dual US citizen I know immigration rules are tight and I do not know about the rules for those coming from Iceland. Even if you married him there is absolutely no garauntee what so ever you would be able to enter the US, if you did there would be a lot of restrictions placed on you, and if the marriage ened before you became a permanent resident you would have to return. Plus I do not know if you are granted entry to the US if you would be able to bring in your daughter and believe a lot of that is dependent on her age. Visit http://www.state.gov for more information about entering the US.

    Once you have a bit more information think about your situation from a logical standpoint. Yes it is difficult what you are going through and you do not want the relationship to end. How realistic is it for the two of you to reside in the same country together? Having moved from the US to the UK I can tell you it is not easy just to pick and move that far. It is not like moving from Chicago to Indianapolis where you are within a day drive if you needed to return. If you leave the US to care for a family member (e.g. sick parent) you may give up your right to residency if you are out too long. Plus there is no garauntee that you could afford the flight. The point I am trying to make there is a big cost, with big risks, and if it does not work out between the two of you it could be very costly. So take the time to think about it realistically, logically, and from a cost / benefit side.
     
  12. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2007
    Messages:
    907
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    MD
    I second...

    ...that, whole heartedly.

    Also like to add, 3 1/2 years of long distance doesn't mean much to me. How many days together over that time?
     
  13. Vanja

    Vanja New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2007
    Messages:
    113
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Again, thank you all for your replies.

    I have been thinking a lot lately, have talked about it all with him and we have decided to keep things as they are for now and see how they evolve. I'm going to see him again in a week and that gives us something to hold on to. Seems like that has been the key to making it last this long. We decide when we will meet next time and use that as "bait".

    You're right. His crime was a lot more serious than a traffic ticket. It happened a long time ago too. I don't want to discuss that on the open internet because it's "his" but he has told me everything about it and I have read his casefiles. I have kept my daughter completely out of our relationship because I will not mix her up in that unless I'm as sure as can be that it will last... and this just isn't "for sure" yet because of the long distance.

    Thanks so much again... it was good to get different points of view.
     
  14. HouseHunny

    HouseHunny New Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2007
    Messages:
    87
    Likes Received:
    0
    I totally agree. You need to look at the bigger picture here, not just what is happening now. Say for example things did not work out, How would you forgive yourself for ruining your and your daughter's stabilty. Make sure you keep your priorities in order.
     
  15. Bluesy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2006
    Messages:
    3,779
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Female
    I'm in agreement with the general consensus, I think the best course of action is to focus on completing your education. This is the litmus test of true love, because true love is selfless...a man who wants what's best for you will encourage you to pursue your dreams, even if it means waiting another couple of years to be with you. Let him prove himself worthy of you.

    Maybe I'm being a buttinsky (and if that's the case, feel free to ignore me), but I wonder what sort of counseling this guy has had, excluding any counseling he received in prison (it's not enough). A man who's committed a felony evidently has some pretty big and scary issues. A man with a criminal mind can be very charming and persuasive...please be careful, 'kay?
     
  16. Vanja

    Vanja New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2007
    Messages:
    113
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks Bluesy.

    Like I said... he isn't pushing me with anything and he LIKES that I have ambitions. But that doesn't prevent us having distance problems. I'm going to see how things turn out next time I go see him (which will be over New years). I seriously doubt that I will move anywhere in the near future. That kind of thing needs careful planning and now is not the time. It was good to get some perspective from you. Thanks again. Guess I was being a bit too pessimistic. Things don't look so awful right now.

    And thanks for all your concern about his crimes. I know how this looks and I don't take it the wrong way... I understand why it's hard for people to understand. But I have spent enough time with him to know him inside out, weak points and strong points. He has never shut me out of any of his problems concerning his crime or that life he used to live (which has been over for a long time now). The whole time I have been with him I have actively been looking for "red flags" and I don't allow myself to be blinded by "luuv"... too old for that sh*t :) He knows of my concerns because I have been upfront about it and he has never shown me any kind of impatience because of it.

    He's a good man who has learned his lessons in life very well. I take him as he is and he shows me the same respect.
     
  17. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    People can sincerely learn their lesson and change their ways. I know many who have done just that.

    So the next thing is - YOU! Can you get your focus back on your studies. Sounds like you got temporarily side-tracked. That can easily happen when love comes a-knockin' on your door. :) Main thing now is for you to finish that wonderful education opportunity you have - and to give it all you've got! You've learned from experience that you can't be wishy-washy. You'll fail miserably.

    Since you are forced to be separated for 2+ years, crack those books, hun! And I wish you the best of luck!
     
  18. Bluesy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2006
    Messages:
    3,779
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Female
    Sorry, I must've overlooked it earlier when you mentioned that he wasn't pressuring you to move...and to know that he's actually encouraging you to pursue your plans, that's downright fabulous! :) It's also reassuring to know that you've kept a part of yourself open to objectively observing and evaluating his behavior--very smart.

    I hope the two of you have a very memorable New Year's visit :brow
     
  19. Vanja

    Vanja New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2007
    Messages:
    113
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Hey to those of you who remember me :)

    2 1/2 years later

    We have been married for a year (actually it's our 1 year anniversary today) and he moved up here to live with me. He's done with MDOC (Michigan department of corrections), I'm done with school and we're doing really well. The only thing standing in our way now is immigration up here - we're still waiting on their ruling and his crime back in the day could very well force us to move to the States. But at least we're together now - plus he has a job already and my daughter absolutely adores him.

    We did the long distance thing for a total of 5 years - I think that must be some kind of a record!! :ugh

    He's still the best thing since sliced bread - the best man I have ever known.

    I just wanted to thank you all for your comments back in 2007 - they really helped me to put things in perspective.

    So a big fat Thank You :grouphug
     
  20. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    9,789
    Likes Received:
    174
    Gender:
    Female
    Yeah, I remember you and your cool avy. Congratulations on your nuptials. :)