criticising her.

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by bakerloo, Nov 19, 2009.

  1. bakerloo

    bakerloo New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2009
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Ok. So I have to admit outright that I've been a shit boyfriend. I've never cheated, it's not that. My fault has been that perhaps once every 2 days, I let slip a comment like "look how much butter you're putting on that," or "fuck that's swimming in cheese." This makes me a shit, I know. God dammit.

    But here's the thing. I find my g/f of 2 years has become very plain, very average looking - her hair's natural coloured again (a mousey brown), she doesn't wear make up, she's wearing this comfortable beige underwear now, never lingerie, her clothes are totally unsexy. It's like she went from 23 to 63, in two years. I make comments. I say this, I say that, small things. I know it hurts her, but I can't not say it, because I'm getting desperate here. I love this girl, she is kind and sweet and for the first 9 months our sex life was great. Since then however, it's been one big, slow fade, and now and again, I just have to say something.

    Tonight though, it all kicked off. She tells me she feels like two different people when she's around her friends, and around me. With her friends she's happy, self-confident, together. With me, she's unhappy, she lacks confidence, she feels terrible - because she knows I think she's unnattractive. So there you go - my comments have been making her feel terrible.

    My question to you all is how in god's good name can I live with the fact that my girlfriend is not the sexy firecracker I knew 2 years ago, without making the kinds of comments I've been making. I realised tonight that she is literally better off without me. She would be a happier person. But I love her so much, I don't want to leave her. Previously, I had two choices:

    1/ make comments in the hope that she improves.
    2/ leave her.

    Now that I can't make comments, since they make her feel terrible, I fear option 2 is the only way - but I really don't want it to be, this girl is lovely mentally, just not so much physically any more.


    Pardon my French, but this is just fucking terrible. Any long term couples up there have any advice? It's inevitable that our bodies fade away over time - how do you reconcile yourself to this fact? Something to do with love, maybe?

    [I'm so immature, please, please help, what is it to be mature is this issue? I've been seeing girls as 2D objects to ogle and fuck - how can a good sex life go beyond good looks?]

    Thanks.
     
  2. Northside

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2009
    Messages:
    750
    Likes Received:
    308
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Colorado
    You're brand new here so I'll take what you say with a grain of salt. I don't think your situation is really uncommon. I find that after 6 months to a year and a half, the things I thought were cute in a chick become annoying. It's not them, it really is me. I only had one girl in my life that improved with age, I loved her more every day for nine years. An illness took her away from me. I think maybe no one else could ever measure up, at least to me, so I pick them apart. I don't verbally criticize them, I just naturally become more and more distant, because the fire has gone out. You have to understand that nobody is perfect, and that we're all different. Try to see the inner beauty. Looks can fade fast but what's inside endures. Find someone you can respect and that you like as a person, that way the love part grows. I think all to often we fall in love with people we find physically attractive but really don't like that much. Having the best looking chick in the place ain't all it's cracked up to be. As you get to know them more you realize your mistake, and it gets worse. Find someone you like.
     
  3. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    9,789
    Likes Received:
    174
    Gender:
    Female
    "Ok. So I have to admit outright that I've been a shit boyfriend." <--- Yes, that.

    " I realised tonight that she is literally better off without me. She would be a happier person. But I love her so much, I don't want to leave her."

    If you do love her do her a favour and leave her. For the love of god, leave her, now.
     
    #3 Barbwire, Nov 19, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2009
  4. HardRocker

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2006
    Messages:
    5,719
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    If you are trying to influence her to change, your criticism should be well thought out, sitting down with her to express your concerns and hearing hers. Maybe you could order your thoughts first, so as to sound intelligent instead of picking on her.

    But what you are doing is just randomly sniping. She doesn't know where the next attack is coming from and probably considers your attitude mean spirited, and rightly so. And by your admission she's right, because your comments are inspired by random knee jerk irritation. That will put anyone on the defense, you got to admit it's childish behavior, right.

    If you want to love her, then respect her enough to talk to her rationally. If you give some respect, you'll get some respect, and maybe she'll want to please you. Maybe if she sees you are thinking seriously about your relationship, she will return the effort and try to look nicer or what ever it is you want. Be somebody worthy of her effort. It goes in both directions.
     
  5. Dreama

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2006
    Messages:
    3,890
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    Dude, talk to her! You don't need to be making comments like that. I can not tell you how many times that I have heard bitchtastic little remarks like that and made a commitment to myself to work ever harder to NOT change the thing that person just criticized, just because I don't like being talked to like that. I would not stay with nor put up with a person that dealt with me in such a passive aggressive way. Talk to her, respectfully, with little bit of goddamned compassion, and maybe she would consider meeting some of your requests. I'm telling you one thing though, you have to treat her like she is sexy for her to want to dress sexy, or your just wasting your breath
     
  6. sinfinity

    sinfinity New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2009
    Messages:
    86
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Texas
    Yeah, making comments like those aren't going to make her change, they're going to make her separate her loyalties from you, and you'll end up loving her yet leaving and her hating you.

    Communicate in a less immature manner. What you're saying is relevant but it isn't the end of the world, also - what about you? Maybe she feels more comfortable around you because -you're- slacking also?

    Go into this willing to make compromises, she can't be the only one who should be putting in the effort to make it a healthy relationship. If you're concerned about her weight? Go run with her. If you're wanting her to wear sexy lingerie? Take her shopping for it.

    I don't know man. There are a lot of things you can do that don't include making her feel like crap.
     
  7. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    9,789
    Likes Received:
    174
    Gender:
    Female
    I think that no amount of talking between these two people is going to help. That would not be true IF the problem was with both of them, but IMHO the problem is not hers, it's his and his alone.

    He says he CAN'T stop making comments. She's happy when she's with her friends, and miserable when she's with him. He knows he's wrong but continues to treat her like shit.



    "[I'm so immature, please, please help, what is it to be mature is this issue? I've been seeing girls as 2D objects to ogle and fuck - how can a good sex life go beyond good looks?]"

    At least you are honest with yourself, bakerloo. You know what you are doing wrong so fix it and stop using your youthfulness as an excuse for your behavior.
     
    #7 Barbwire, Nov 20, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2009
  8. Dragon_Fire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2009
    Messages:
    1,893
    Likes Received:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    It seems to me that you weren't attracted to the real woman in the first place but rather a fake image of her. Why should she have to permanently dye her hair, wear make up and dress in sexy clothes. True, everyone should make some kind of effort to dress nice but they don't need to be dolled up 24/7, it's not natural. If you love her, you'd love her natural brown hair, her true face and you'd see past the boring clothes she wears.

    Of course your sex life is going down hill, your comments must be making her feel like shit.

    Maybe you should do her a favour and leave so that she can be happy with someone who appreciates her for who she really is.
     
  9. HardRocker

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2006
    Messages:
    5,719
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    Then she'll probably be inspired to be attractive. That's how it works in a mature relationship.
     
  10. johnnyangel694u

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2006
    Messages:
    6,152
    Likes Received:
    2,149
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Maybe I am interpreting something differently but it seems to both of them have issues. He fell in love with her and she has changed. He noticed the change and made comments to get her to change back. Of course because is he a male the fault is all his.
    I think they need to sit down and talk about both sides. Why did she change? He can admit he is a jerk. Do they want to stay together. Maybe she changed to chase him away.
    I know one thing for sure. If I made the post and came back and read the responses, I sure wouldn't come back here. Not much compassion. IMHO. Sorry.
     
  11. sinfinity

    sinfinity New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2009
    Messages:
    86
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Texas
    Agreed. Looks aren't everything, and the guy says he hasn't left her because he loves her.

    People can change how they look pretty easily. All he really needs to do is sit down and talk to her on equal ground about it. I'm not saying he should leave her at all. If she wants to leave him - that's her choice. The guy has said he doesn't want to.

    So yeah, man. Go running with her if you're concerned about her figure. Go shopping with her if you want her to wear sexier panties, it's a good start. Try to re-initiate intimacy in a way that doesn't point fingers, because if you do it's done done done.
     
  12. Dreama

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2006
    Messages:
    3,890
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes, both of them have issues, but I cannot express much compassion for a person who does not seem to express much compassion for someone he is supposed to love. I understand that the changes that she has made are frustrating. But, I've been on the other end of that before-When hubby and I got together, I was a lot thinner. Changes in my life, metabolism, hormones brought this on, and it seemed like no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get it off. I felt shitty-I still have a lot of that weight on, and I still feel shitty about it. The difference is, hubby helps me to feel attractive, by never implicating that I was some sort of a fatass failure of a wife. I make a helluva lot of effort. I'm sure that his lady makes some sort of an effort-maybe he just isn't seeing it. That is why he needs to talk to her.

    P.S-changes are a part of life. Nobody can stay the same forever. Do you really think that he didn't change? He wasn't criticizing her from day one, I can tell you that. Couples have to deal with those changes in personality, and body shape. Sometimes, those changes aren't for the best, and the couple talks it out-they don't use immature tactics such as mental abuse to get their wishes. Just sayin'
     
    #12 Dreama, Nov 21, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2009
  13. Dragon_Fire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2009
    Messages:
    1,893
    Likes Received:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes both of them seem to have issues but if the OP's girlfriend is not the one posting, how are we supposed to know what's bothering her. Everybody changes, male or female and making negative comments towards her is not the way to entice her back to his ideal. No one here said the fault was his, purely because he was male. While I don't know what goes on in other posters' minds I do know that I certainly never assumed that.

    Talking would be a good idea but it seems that all the talking he is doing is nagging and belittling her to the point that she's happiest in other people's company, not his. She possibly is changing because she feels unattractive inside. It is common for our feelings about ourselves to affect the way we look on the outside.

    As for our responses, we only responded to the original post in much the same way as it was presented. If the OP doesn't feel inspired to return, maybe he will understand his partner's feelings.
     
  14. Mr n Mrs Smyth

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2009
    Messages:
    59
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    UK
    (Mrs Smyth) I have to agree with alot of the comments to be honest, randomly putting her down isnt going to make anything any better or easier, if your saying things that are going to make her feel shit about herself then why is she going to bother making the effort ?

    You really need to sit down and talk with her properly because im afraid thats the only way your relationship is going to go anywhere, you need to be open with her about the problem and if you cant do that then whats the point in being with her ?

    Relationships are about give and take and its not always perfect but then true love sometimes doesnt run as smoothly as we wish it would.
    Just be open and honest with her about how your feeling and im sure she would be open right back, nobody is perfect hun.

    But if you love her then respect her enough to be honest, dont just run away because its getting hard because you will end up regretting it if you didnt at least make an effort first.
     
  15. bakerloo

    bakerloo New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2009
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Hi guys, thanks for all those messages, I appreciate every one, whether they're catty or kind your honest reactions are what its all about. We have had a talk, which was very painful, but it seems like we're back on track. The communication thing is absolutely key - I mean, the reason I made such snide, hit-and-run style comments was because I feared open honesty, and the tears it would inevitably bring for us. It was both cowardly and counterproductive. Having talked, I realised being aggressive was no way to influence her body shape, since firstly I'm not by her side 24/7, and secondly because that really would be a sucky thing to do. I agreed to shut (*the fuck*) up, and she... didn't really say anything, but has started making small changes.

    I'm beginning to understand how hellish it must be to be a woman these days, surrounded by Vogue and Tatler and all these bloody magazines, screaming at you to starve like an ethiopian to look good. If you're not naturally thin, life is a constant, aching struggle. "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" - Kate Moss said recently. It's horrifying to think of what that means for people's lives; seeing the person for their own inner beauty is obviously the only way forward in a relationship, since beauty fades, and hunger hurts. I'm trying to look to inner beauty much more now, so thanks very much for all of your pointers, it's been a real success so far.
     
  16. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    9,789
    Likes Received:
    174
    Gender:
    Female
    :tup Sometimes I love it when I'm wrong.

    I'm sorry for jumping on your case earlier, but your intial post really pissed me off. I'm one of those women that has battled her weight since she was a teenager and have had boyfriends say some really hurtful things to me regarding my size. I never had the confidence to say anything to them about it at the time and I wish I had. I guess the pain and resentment came back in a flood when I read you post and it overwhelmed me so I attacked you. Again, I'm sorry for that.

    Keep up the good work and tell us how things progress from here. :)





     
  17. heelfetish

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2006
    Messages:
    7,392
    Likes Received:
    6
    Glad to see you back on the right track, bakerloo.
     
  18. Dreama

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2006
    Messages:
    3,890
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    Dude-you absolutely rock. Good for you. You seem to be an intelligent, caring person. We all mess up-and to know that you're actually communicating instead of recklessly hurting her feelings is awesome. If you need anything, I'm sure all of us would be willing to help. As you can see, we're all passionate people. I am glad we've not chased you away with our opinions. But, wow. You seem to really understand what us girls go through sometimes. My weight has always been a struggle-and to know that you're being compassionate, it truly makes me a little teary eyed. Keep up the awesome work, and I'm so happy that your relationship is back on track.
     
  19. bakerloo

    bakerloo New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2009
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Yeah, honesty is always the best policy, I can see that now, but damn it is hard breaking through the pain barrier and actually doing it. About body politics and women, glad to have cheered you dreama. There are intelligent men out there, it's just with the kids (ie me) growing up with internet porn throughout their adolescence, I think many young men are going to find it hard these days to understand that loving someone doesn't depend on them looking and fucking like Jenna Jameson. It's about soul, what's on the inside - something porn will never be able to depict. See y'all around, I'm sure I'll be on these boards in the future.
     
  20. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2006
    Messages:
    450
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    If your relationship is based solely on sex then in time the relationship will end due to the fact there is nothing allowing for the relationship to grow. Obviously your comments have totally devistated your girlfriend. This leaves you with the decision to change or leave. Should you feel you cannot say supporting or caring things towards while stopping your offensive comments towards her then you are better off leaving her.