confused (help!)

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by roksoc, Jul 28, 2007.

  1. roksoc

    roksoc New Member

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    Hey everyone let me give you some background first. I met this girl last year at college we lived across the hall from each other. we were both in long distance relationships that were failing and we both confided in each other and got out of those relationships. one night I came to her and I told her I had feelings for her and she said she felt the same way. we have been going out for 3 months now and we have gotten to love each other alot. while I was helping her get through her breakup I found out that she had gone to a party got drunk and did something she regretted but she never told me what exactly all she said is she woke up at a guy's apartment. last night we were talking and I brought it up because I really wanted to know, and she told me they had sex that night. This was before I told her how I felt but now that we are together I feel really confused because I didn't know and I feel like she cheated on me even though she didn't because it was before I was with her and I knew something had happened but I didn't know it was sex.

    I really love this girl and I know she loves me just as much. I don't plan on breaking up with her because she has certainly not done something within the relationship to hurt me. my only problem is whenever I think about her the image of her getting fucked by this guy pops into my head and it makes me feel sick and to hear her cry nonstop about how bad she feels really breaks my heart because I only want to see her happy and the reason she is like this is because she sees me unhappy. She' genuinely regrets it happened and I told her I was glad she was being honest with me which I am but I just cant seem to get over the fact that she just let herself get drunk and fucked simply because she was angry at her ex. the morning after it happened she came to me crying about something terrible she had done. I'm the only one besides her and him that know what happened. I'm glad she told me it really took guts but sometimes the truth hurts.
     
  2. Bluesy

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    Why does it upset you so much?
     
  3. msduncan

    msduncan Active Member

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    Yes... Why in the heck should this upset you so much? You weren't with her at the time so what's the big deal?

    When we were married, as far as I knew my wife had slept with 3 people before me. We were on a long trip once and she let it out that she'd slept with a 4th before we met but never told me about him. I then let her know that when I was 23 (and before we met) I slept with a women who was at least 36.... I suspect she was in her 40's. Anyway.... neither of us felt badly at all, and we tease each other about it now.

    Here's the deal: making her feel guilty or upset about it is destructive to your relationship, and could be destructive to how fun and open she will be with sex (with you) in the future. Is she supposed to feel ashamed every time she has sex with someone? That's how you are making her feel.
     
  4. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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    I never did understand that. Why get upset about things that have nothing to do with you? Everyone has a past, some are longer then others.
     
  5. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    It's very important in a relationship to remember that her life is hers alone, and the same holds true for you (Your life is yours alone.)

    What happened that night happened to her. It has nothing to do with you, and if you want to keep this friendship healthy, you need to respect that fact. You will not be doing her any good by bringing it up, in order to resolve it in YOUR mind.
     
  6. Martin_Baker

    Martin_Baker New Member

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    As for the regret she's feeling, time will cure that. Just make sure you're not making her feel guilty about it as that won't help.
     
  7. Thorn

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    Since it happened before she was your girl you should resolve in your mind as quickly as possible. If it had happened when she was your g/f that would be a totally different matter.
     
  8. clamUp

    clamUp Active Member

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    I think sometimes things just hurt. There's no reason or explanation why. They just do, and I think that's understandable. And the more you think about it from an emotional perspective, the more difficult it can be to develop a more positive attitude about something that makes you uncomfortable.

    Having said all that, I think it's best to realize that what she did wasn't done to hurt you. She just wanted to have a good time and maybe it went a little far. Only rarely do we ever get the privilege of being our mate's only partner. I know my girl was with a few other guys, and sometimes I use that knowledge to spice things up. I just imagine to myself how many other guys would love to be with the woman I'm fortunate enough to be with. And she chooses to be here with me now. It's a nice feeling. You appear to have that same bond with her. Just relax and enjoy it.
     
  9. roksoc

    roksoc New Member

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    I have no problem with the fact she has had sex with other people. I don't expect to be anyones only partner. It was just the fact that she lied to me when I asked her if she had sex with anyone else and she said no. me being upset is most likely due to the fact that i have been cooped up at work and at home since I found out and I haven't had the chance to get it off my mind. I think all I need is a night out to get rid of the thought. I'm really not upset about the fact that it happened it was just a messed up situation because I know she would never do that and the fact that this guy had to get her wasted to do it sickens me. But we're together now and thats all that matters :)
     
  10. roksoc

    roksoc New Member

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    I just realized I feel alot better about things when i write them down. Thanks alot friends.
     
  11. Joe

    Joe
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    IF she lied to you, it was because she was embarrassed and didn't want you to think badly of her. People do that. Don't let it bother you. She's come clean now. She probably has other secrets she hasn't told you about, and you might have some of your own. Either way, it doesn't make her a bad person, just human. Relish what you have with her, and don't let her past get in the way. Good luck!
     
  12. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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    Could it be she was not honest because she was afraid you " just cant seem to get over the fact that she just let herself get drunk and fucked simply because she was angry at her ex.".