[Ask a Girl] concerned over nothing

Discussion in 'Ask a Guy/Girl' started by justaniceguy, Apr 8, 2012.

  1. justaniceguy

    justaniceguy Member

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    hyer ladies.some advice needed.wife just come back from england after a reunion she went too. when she got back I had noticed a lot of 2 way messages on history with a guy from facebook, on a regular basis since she got back. i mentioned this too her and she said there is nothing to worry about....he is a friend.now i know im wrong for doing this but i went onto her facebook and she has messages from different friends but this guy she has deleted all his her messages but the others....have i reason to worry.....i know im wrong for me to go on her facebook but she does with me.....thanks
     
  2. Mittimer

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    First and foremost, why are you married to her if you don't trust her?

    Putting aside that you're going through her personal messages because you don't trust her, what does your gut tell you?

    Have you asked her how long she's known this friend? Where did they meet? etc?

    Or are you just going to trust her? I highly suggest not saying "well I saw you deleted all your messages" because that is just going to put her in defense mode and if there IS anything to hide, she will hide it.

    Try to be an adult about this and just tell her your concerned, if there is something that you need to know, you want to know so that you two can work it out together.
     
  3. Colette

    Colette New Member

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    I can see why you would be worried - best to just ask her. And then take it from there. If I had done that years ago , my life may be different now so take advice from one who has been there.
     
  4. tomakehersmile

    tomakehersmile New Member

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    Yeah.. Don't say anything about the facebook as hard as it may be. at the very least you may be able to check back on it if you get curious.. You need to ask yourself what if you find what you're looking for..
     
  5. 12barblues

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    if she isnt doing anything then she will be mad that you dont trust her...if she is doing something she will lie and say she isnt so confronting her on a "suspicion" is a waste.....just keep your eyes and ears open until you know one way or another.....several years ago i thought my ex was having an affair...i asked some friends about what i was feeling, they told me i was crazy and that out of everyone they new..she (my ex) would be the last person in the world to have an affair....several people told me this but i persisted and eventually confronted her....she denied it and gave me a million reasons why she would never commit adultery...a few weeks later i found out that she had been having an affair for 6 months.....

    and if you want my opinion, she's cheating....you dont have that many mssgs from someone...and then erase them unless youre doing something. if she always erased ALL of her old mssgs from everyone, then there might be room for doubt...btw..thats how i caught my ex......her phone bill...compare how many times a month you talk to your best friend....then look at how many times she talked to this guy..im guessing it will be 10 to 20 times more times than you talk to anyone...thats a sign that its not a friendship. Affairs are obsessive things. if the number of calls /emails and texts are that great, you most likely have a problem.

    having said all that, we worked through it ..and our marriage lasted another 12 years before it ended for different reasons...so if she is having an affair, it doesnt have to mean the end of your marriage.
     
  6. thunderseed

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    I would find the deleted messages to be a little suspicious, or even the essence of keeping anything from you even if she is not cheating.
    I would try to talk to her again, but not in the form of an attack. For now, accept that this person is just a friend, and treat it like such. Let her know you trust her, and she might tell you more about this friend of hers, you just might hear the true story. When you have your guard up, it's not allowing the other person to share what is really going on. But if these tactics don't work, and she keeps beating around the bush and making up excuses to not tell you about him, I would be more concerned. Show positive interest in this friend of hers, not negative interest.

    If it were me, and I really trusted my partner, I would be concerned that they had a nasty falling out with their friend, or that their friend may be bothering them, hence another reason for the deleted messages. It could have been a long lost friend she made contact with in Europe, perhaps he turned out to be a major Douche, maybe he did try hitting on her and she doesn't want you to know that because she suspects you have trust issues already, maybe this guy is someone she no longer wants in her life for a reason, who knows, but there is no reason for you to jump to conclusions before you know the truth. Besides the best way to approach a conflict situation like this, is to not attack the person, but to make sure they know you are on their side, and to try to place yourself in their shoes.

    I would probably go about it by expressing my concern to my partner. Something along the lines of, "Are you okay?" Or "You know you can talk to me..." Or "I noticed you deleted messages from this friend of yours, are they bothering you?" Word it along the lines of that, and it's not an attack, it's expressing heartfelt concern, allowing your partner to open up to you at the same time, and not playing the blame game.

    I've deleted messages before, just to clean up my inbox, or private arguments with friends I did not want to remember, or worse yet, on facebook, millions of creepy male stalkers that message me about the strangest things. And I have many, many male friends and almost all of them try to get in my pants, and not all of them act civilly when I politely tell them no, so sometimes bothersome confrontations happen and sometimes ends of friendships. And of course I don't want to always openly tell my partner about every single time this happens, especially if I know they don't trust me. I know in my heart that I would never cheat, and I cannot control the actions of others. If I went to my partner all the times this happened and I had falling outs with male friends because they can't accept I'm not going to spread my legs for them, he would probably get over protective over me and hate all of my friends, when I know I can handle myself and my friendships are also my own life.
    But certainly, if my partner expressed concern about it, I would tell him whatever he wants to know truthfully.