Concepts of Positives for Accolades

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Logger, Sep 21, 2004.

  1. Logger

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    Accolades are simple atta boys or wtgs, Way To Go. But there needs to be an agreement on what is a good direction, so the lover can give a meaningful Accolade.

    Sometimes I explain a level of accomplishement and ask for an accolade from W.

    Where W disagrees with my concepts of Posititve, then accolades are tough to come by.

    One problem is I have a lot of papers, books and stuff stored in Apple Boxes, that are labled and stacked in the basement. I could reduce the number of boxes I have to store, by sorting the contents into new boxes, then I can get rid of stuff. My wife takes the approach that all boxes are bad. New boxes seem bad to W. But new boxes are actually the key to reducing existing boxes. So I don't get many accolades for progress on new boxes, which are the key to reducing the number of boxes, total.

    W does not really understand my ideas on religion or politics, so if I make some contribution, or some volunteer work, W sees it as robbing the family, rather than adding meaning to life.

    Accolades for the basis for the feelings of love in a relationship. If W is refusing to understand accolades, W is reducing the Love in the relationship. Accolades should be the basis for Admiration, Compliments, Love and Sex.

    For right now, I am working on increasing Accolades and the UNDERSTANDINGS that underpin the Accolades.

    Since my level of struggling with these concepts is the early develping stages, any ideas or comments might help me along.

    Thanks.
     
  2. touchzing

    touchzing New Member

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    I am lost. Logger what are you asking?
     
  3. Logger

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    Dear Touchzing,

    I was trying to be brief, but here is my longer story:

    Admiration is on of the 10 MB Emotional Needs.

    Accolades, statements of recogniton of effort toward an a goal or acheivement, in a complimentary manner, can be fulfilling as admiration.

    Accolades, as recogniton of effort or luck, seem important to me, as a motivating factor.

    Admiration may not require effort, and can be given as a feeling.

    Accolades are a feeling of recogniton of effort or wise choices.

    My wife has a number of independant interests, and I have considerable time for myself. But what would be nice, is if W would be sufficiently in tune with my struggles, efforts, and achievements, to be able to share success.

    As it is, I ordinarily avoid discussing my efforts and struggles with my wife, as W is often more intersted in finding fault.

    It seems that I could ask W to change some of her habits, and ask her to work on accolades. I have not really presented my request in this structure of a need for Admiration.

    I did a search in Emotional Needs for Accolades, but did not find threads or posts asking for Accolades as a need.

    I thought I would start a thread on this endeavor. I have a vison of my desire. I need to present the concept to W, and give her time to think about it. Then I should plan to remind W of my request in a week or two, and see how progress can be improved.

    I am personally short on motivation, right now, and feeling lethargic. If I could look forward to reliable accolades, perhpas that would be a good motivator. So I will ask for reliable accolades.

    My categories for Accolades.

    Household upkeep:
    Bills, Taxes, Cleaning, Laundry, Yard upkeep, upkeep of vehicles, apppliance maintenance.

    My projects:
    Political Action, Research, Sorting Research, keeping up vocational licenses, writing.

    Income Producing:
    Getting to Work on Time, keeping an extra car ready, if one fails to start, effort at work, accomplishments at work.

    Forms of Accolades:
    Kiss or hug, kind words, recogniton of effort, celebration of luck, rejoicing in wisdom, promises of later.

    My wife asks for things failry often, so I have a number of opportunities to meet my wife's emotional needs. Even if I can't see a way to reaonsably meet her request immediately, I can make some points by expressing a desire to meet the request in the future.

    Admiration and affection are related to Accolades. I am using he word Accolades, because Accolades are within teh conscious decison making power of the brain. Affection might need some time to let some resentement from the past subside. Admiration might need some largely positive event to take place. But Accolades, should be able to be given for small favors, even in the middle of strife.

    The Five Languages of LOVE:


    1. Words of Affirmation-Sincere compliments and encouraging words-this person always has something nice to say and they often expect kind words in return. One hallmark of this language is the way people ask for what
    they want, i.e. "Love makes requests, not demands" Requires humility, Demands are put-downs implying "I am important and you are not. Do this for me, your desires don't matter." A humble request looks like this-giving choices-"You probably have more important things to do, but would you consider doing this? I would be grateful".

    2. Quality Time-People show their love by simply being there, by spending time with their mates. "It is a matter of being completely there, being a companion, not just taking up space. It does not mean that we have to spend our moments together gazing into each other's eyes. It means we are doing something together and we are giving our
    full attention to the other person." (This fits Harley's recreational companionship category) Chapman breaks this down into two components:
    One is simple togetherness, the other is quality conversation.

    Quality conversation requires involvement, eye contact, full attention (active listening), listening THROUGH the words for the feelings being expressed, understanding the body language, not much interruption, a
    soul-to-soul connection not just mind to mind.

    3. Gifts-Some communicate their love in the language of gift-giving and they look to receive it from others in the same way. gifts are visual symbols of love, not a matter of money, tokens of our feelings for the other...an investment of a certain amount of emotion, wisdom, time, expense, and effort in the process of imagining, creating, choosing,
    buying, wrapping, or transporting a gift to you, all because of love.

    These gifts are often displayed, similar to trophies all around them, not because they are greedy and put emphasis in "things" but because of the way they prize the love behind the token of love. It is physical evidence of love involved.

    4. Acts of Service-Sees love in doing things for others and expects this same kind of action from others. In some ways I see this as similar to the gift giving in that some of the acts of service may be help around the house, remodeling, etc...visual things that show one's love. It is more than cooking a special dinner, it may include baking a favorite cake as an extra to show love. It is helping to pack his or her suitcase for a trip and maybe putting in love notes, or a baked goodie, bubble bath or whatever else, you know he/she would like. Lehman, once a year, deposits his wife in a motel with flowers, books, room service, etc. and leaves her for a weekend to give her space while he deals with the kids. Now that is above and beyond the call of duty, but you can see how loved she must feel.

    5. Physical Touch-Goes beyond sex, but seems to display itself in guys via sex, but it is more than sex. It is about big and little kisses, hand-holding, backrubs, arm around the shoulder, playing footsie, sharing an armrest ot the movies, lightly stroking a hand...etc.

    The reason that this book came to my mind for you is that the author does a very good job explaining how people usually communicate in their OWN love languages and have expectations for their spouses to communicate back to them in like kind.

    If you aren't already aware of the book, I can give you an example to explain what I mean.

    For instance, if I my primary love language is say, "touch", and for me to "feel" loved I need lots of touch, I might say to my mate: "honey I need more affection." (expecting that my mate will respond back to me with lots of hugs, kisses, and loving touch)

    But if my mate's primary love language is say, "acts of service", he may respond to my request by doing all sorts of little jobs for me.

    To HIM that IS communicating "affection" but to me, he's not at all meeting my need.

    The FIVE LANGUAGES OF LOVE book explains that we have to ask specifically for what we need and want and we can't assume that we truly understand our mate's love languages, or that they understand ours either without being educated.
     
  4. Logger

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    Last night, I asked my wife for a revison of her expressed belief that all my Basement storage boxes are bad, and that more storage boxes are worse. I have asked my wife to understand that discarding papers and items that can be culled out, requires resorting older boxes, into newer boxes. That my wife should not hate more new boxes, but rather should support the introduction of new boxes, that are sometimes mostly empty, as a means of reducing the total number of existing boxes, and reducing the total number of papers stored in the basement.

    Perhaps most people don't find it a challnge to sort through and discard outdated papers, but for me, it is a challenge.

    I don't claim to represent the ideal of Western Culture. I am a double Aquarius, which makes me over-intellectualize ideas and concepts, perhaps over-verbalize. But I am making progress with my wife by discussing things with her in terms of Accolades and life principles. I capitalize Accolades to represent my narrow meaning of the word.

    In terms of the FIVE LANGUAGES OF LOVE, my wife tends to like to give gifts to people to show affection. My wife does the Chrismas Gift shoping, and receives compliments on her gift giving. So my wife is oriented toward No. 3, Gift Giving, and I am asking for No. 1, Words of Affirmation. When I presented my request for my wife to believe that MORE storage boxes makes Less
    boxes, I presented the idea as a request for a Gift. So perhaps I will have better success with my need for Accolades, if I frame the need as a request for a Gift.

    My wife is not excessively stingy or insensitive. But W has GONE OFF in such a way that makes me hesitant to ever bring up a subject again. So, I need to find ways to re-approach concepts, that are important to the marriage, that have produced tirades in the past.

    Ideas?
     
  5. touchzing

    touchzing New Member

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    In simple terms what is it you want from your wife? Are you in tune with what she wants and needs? Have you and your wife ever adequately met each other's needs?