Complicated - advice much needed

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Fairy, Nov 30, 2004.

  1. Fairy

    Fairy New Member

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    Ok, heres the deal, I met a guy about two months before I was due to move abroad with my family and we basically hit it off straight away, we fell in love real quick then only thing was he had a girlfriend and so I had some trust issues with him. I left the same week he moved in with girlfriend because his landlord was selling his house. So I moved to Canada and left him in UK, at first we emailed every day but couldn't phone 'cos didn't have the means to do so. Then he got moved to another office working for the same people and couldn't email as often, only about 3 times a week. Then he didn't email for about 4 days, I got worried and so I rang him (first time ringing) and his sister-in-law had died. He emailed a few days later and then I heard nothing for two weeks. (At this time Id been away from him about two months) Then a guy came on the scene for me and we went out twice in one week and because I hadnt had sex in a while (I have a really hig sex drive) when I went over to his house a few days later we ended up sleeping together. I haven't heard from the guy since and to be honest I was only using him and obviously he was using me (Ive made peace with this issue). So after the two weeks I figured that boyfriend didnt want to speak to me anymore or love me anymore, so I rang him with the intention of breaking up, but basically he was so shcoked at how I was feeling and didnt understand and he said he had been texting me and stuff but I hadn't go them, he had moved house and broken up with girlfriend so it was jsut me and him now. So I apologised and then started crying and told him about random guy. We talked for ages and we seemed to sort it out. But oh no. . the next day I got a horrible, horrible email from him. . and at the end all it said was "I hope he was worth it" but before this he had said. ."oh by the way, if you are at all interested this is my new address:" and told me it. So the moment I got email I rang him and was like "whats going on?" he basically rushed me off the phone and said "we can get through this, I love you".
    But you see that was the day before he went on holiday for two weeks and its now jsut over two weeks and he must be back but I don't know whether to ring him, I sent him a letter and some other stuff to show him how much I love him etc. But he hasnt emailed. . .

    So what I am wondering is whether he is just finding it hard? or whether hes given up? or whether he still wants to be together? What I should do, short of flying over there too see him, to show I love him and want to work it out? Also, why would he give me his new address if he doesn't want to me to contact him?

    Any advice would be much appreciated as I am soo confused right now. . . I really do love him and I can see myself spening the rest of my life with him, I'm just not sure whether he can ever trust me again, please help me.

    Thank you, x
     
  2. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Dear Fairy,

    You ask if BF will ever trust you again. Another way to ask the same question is, "What steps can you take to build trust in BF for you"

    How do you plan to handle your sex drive in the future, yet remaining faithful to BF, if there is another extended period of separation? Have you explained your new plan to BF? You might post the question under masturbation, "How can a woman obtain the fullest possible sexual satisfaction while separated from her BF for months at a time?"

    BF's comments, "If you are at all interested" in his address, seems less than sensitive to your feelings. However, my personal view as a young man, was that if a woman was in love with me, that fidelity would automatically follow. If a woman was not faithful to me, then she was not In LOVE with me. But indiscretions can create hurt. It is often difficult for people, especially men, to express feelings of hurt. It is helpful to work through the feelings of betrayal by talking them through. Any other options for getting through his hurt come to mind?

    Asking for forgiveness is part of the process. It is not clear you have asked for forgiveness. But asking for forgiveness also involves repentance and reparations. Honor is another dimension you have not discussed.

    It is embarrassing for a spouse, when others to find out that their spouse has cheated. How do you plan to limit or minimize the embarrassment to BF? Are you going to talk about it in E-mails? Are others going to read the E-mails? Who else have you told? What steps have you taken to keep your indiscretion secret? Does BF have confidence in the steps you have taken?

    Have you gotten tested for STD's? It takes 6 months minimum for HIV aids to show up, and the tests are not that reliable.

    Your indiscretion has created a situation much more complicated than you have described in your first post. There are many repurcussions and issues you did not discuss. Will BF ever meet your FLING? In business or socially? How will you make up for BF feeling that Fling is laughing up his sleeve at him? How many others know about the fling, and how many will learn about it in the future? Are you good at keeping secrets?

    Radical Honesty is advocated in marriagebuilders.com. There are thousands of stories of flings and hurt spouses on that message board. I apply RH by telling my wife about everything, by watching for ideas that I would want to avoid W knowing. I avoid following ideas that I would want to keep secret, so I CAN be totally honest with W. But Radical Honesty can be unnecessarily hurtful.

    Now that you have expereinced the complications of indiscretion, emontionaly, personally, you may now be a more trustworhty partner. If you have grown, you might let BF know that you understand this was a big time mistake, and want him to let you know what options you have for making things up to him.

    You say you LOVE BF, but there are two types of Love. You are not distinguishing between Infatuation and Agape, the committed love, that can be relied upon. Has your AGAPE for BF grown? How?

    What does BF say when you ask him, "How can I be a better Girl Friend Today?" It seems that you should stop all references to your indiscretion. do not ask, "How can I make up for my mistake?" If someone were to overhear, or read those words, the question would obviously arise, "What Mistake?"

    You have now become a secret service agent, with a secret to keep, that will bring dishonor to the one you love, if it is released. The fact that this burden of being obligated to keep a secret was of your own creation, could be an important inspiraton to avoid future indiscretions which will create further assignments to keep more secrets. I am not that good with secrets. To some people, keeping secrets comes naturally. I try to avoid such people, as I have difficulty relataing to such secretive people.

    You seem impatient to have this matter resolved quickly. I am an impulsive person, and I can relate to your desire for an immediate answer. Unfortunately, it seems this situation needs time, as one factor.

    I have not read, or perhaps don't remember, your reasons for staying in Canada. Whatever you said before, it might be worthwhile to review what those reasons are, for a lenghty separation, if this is the father of your future children.

    I have tried to avoid giving advice, and tried to raise a number of questions for you to consider.

    Posting is healthy,

    Blessings
     
    #2 Logger, Dec 1, 2004
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2004
  3. -G-

    -G- New Member

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    ummmm first thing you need to realize is that you did nothing wrong. You were dating a man that was in a relationship. Do you think that he wasn't having sex with the girl he was dating, especially if he was living with her? you have every right to persue anything you wanted because he wasnt man enough to end his relationship and committ to you at the beginning. I hate to say thins but relationships are hard and you are starting this one out with negative trust. This guy was dating someone and maintained a serious relationship with you while doing so. Now you are wondering why you are both having trust issues? I say cut your loses and move on, but thats just me.

    good luck
     
  4. Fairy

    Fairy New Member

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    Thanks for your advice guys. Since all that has happened, I rang him up and we chatted and I told him that I felt as if he didnt care for me and that I was the one making all the effort etc. He then emailed me a few days later telling me he would try harder and he had told me on the phone how he got a new promotion and travels all over the southwest of UK now so doesnt get home much and thus doesnt get to the library much to email me. Since then I got another email and then nothing and its now a couple of days after Christmas. I am not so worried anymore because in his emails he genuinly seemed upset that he had made me question our relationship. He now plans to coe aver and see me as soon as he can. But I still feel a little wary and until he actually spends the money to come over and see me then I can;t know for sure whether or not he realy means what he says, you know?
    Anyway, and further adive or suggestions or even your opinions on it all would be much apreciated,

    Thanks

    Fairy :)
     
  5. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Dear Fairy,

    Thanks for the update. Nothing relevant comes to mind, except that probably many of the ideas I expressed in my previous post were more intended as thought provoking, rather than an actual suggestion of a particualr course of action. But it may have sounded like I was suggesting this or that. Sounds like you have a healthy approach to the situation. Maybe more developments will spring more ideas.

    Blessings
     
  6. EndlessTears915

    EndlessTears915 New Member

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    Location:
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    *Sigh*

    I sit in the park where I dewll, for this boy I love so well. He took my heart away from me, now he wants to set me free. I see a girl on his lap, he says things to her, he never said to me. I ran home to cry on my bed, not a word to mother was said. Daddy came home late that night, he looked at me from left to right. He saw me hanging from a rope. He took a knife to cut me down, and on my dress a note was found. "Dig my grave, dig it deep. Dig my grave, from head to feet. And on the top place a dove, and remember this, I died for love."
     
    #6 EndlessTears915, Jan 24, 2005
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2005
  7. Fairy

    Fairy New Member

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    Sorry I haven't updated this for a while. But basically we broke up about a month ago. It was so confusing, he told me (by email I might point out) that we should stop pretending everything was ok (well durrr) and that he had met someone else! Although I knew this was going to happen I was still upset but a good friend helped me through it. I replied to his email and since he had asked if we could be friends I agreed and I was nice about the whole thing. Then. . . about a week later I got another email from him telling me that he (and I quote) "still has very stong feelings for me that may have just subsided" so I was totally wierded out by it all and he also said that he wanted to keep in touch etc. and then at the end he asked if it was "wierd or wrong if I tell you I lvoe you? Because I do love, so much and I always will."
    So you can see how confusing this is, like, how can he break up with me one week and then tell me hes still in love with me the next?
    So I wrote back and told him that it was a bit wierd but never wrong to tell someone how you feel etc. but I didn't tell him I felt the same because I am not going to be some puppet for him to play with.
    Anyway, I am going back to UK in April and he asked if he could see me, so I agreed. But is this a good idea? Does anyone have any comments on this? Is it a good idea? I am worried that perhaps seeing him will make me love him again but at the same time I want to see him so much. Well any advice would be cool, thanks, :)