Communicate Damn It!!!!!!!

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by Anotherday, Feb 18, 2013.

  1. Anotherday

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    Communicate Damn It!!!!!!

    Just sharing a few thoughts, what I've finally begun to grasp being in a long term relationship that went from vanilla to kinky, that almost went completely south before our awakening. A relationship that was doomed to mediocrity and dullness that is now deep, full of trust, and moving forward.

    A little advice to some, a little reminder to others including myself. Just a few things I'm finally understanding:

    This takes both of you, both of you listening and both of you speaking. Frank, open, non-judgmental discussion.

    You just cannot go around giving “hints” and then sulk when your partner doesn’t get it. No one is a mind reader. Communicate.

    Get over your fears of telling what you are feeling, what you want, and listen, listen to your partner. Don’t feel as though you are somehow inadequate because your partner wants to share something different with you. And when that partner tells you their dark wants, their dirty desires, whatever you do, don’t judge them. Consider it, think about it, is it really that bad?

    BTW someone just opened up to you and laid it all on the line. That’s trust being exposed to you, here’s your chance, and they trust you enough to lay it all on the line. Guess what? YOU can trust them to do the same. Take a risk, it’s worth it. Show me yours and I’ll show you mine.

    “But, she’s the mother of my child, my love, my sweet angel, I can’t treat her that way and besides I don’t want to be with a slut.”

    Yes, she’s all of that, much-much more, and she is still that girl/woman you met long ago and then some. Slut you say? What’s wrong with being with to a slut? As long as she’s your slut and the two of you both consent to whatever freaky deaky shit you want to do. It’s no one’s business what the two of you share behind closed doors.

    Don’t judge man, put it under your thinking cap, wrap your head around it, here’s the woman you love, you trust, and she wants to do these things with you! Here’s your chance, don’t fuck it up. Go ahead tell her what you want too.

    “But I’m the mother of his children, I’m his love, his sweet angel, and I don’t want him to think I’m a slut.” See above and turn it around just a little bit from a female’s perspective.

    Not all fantasies can come to reality in every relationship, but there’s nothing like sharing them with each other. Don’t be afraid of a fantasy, don’t be intimidated, and don’t judge your partner for having them, and if the both of you agree that they are worth living out; Get to work. If they aren’t worth living out for the both of you, it’s still good to know each other’s fantasies and you don’t have to lock the door on anything.

    Have patience with each other and yourself. If you do get over that hump and start communicating, really communicating, and then things start getting a little freaky and you’re trying new things with each other. Have patience. He’s not going to be your master over night, she’s not going to be your fantasy doll in a week. Whatever it is you are trying out that is new, have patience and don’t get discouraged. Keep on working learn from and laugh at the mistakes, learn to quit taking yourself so damned seriously.

    Communicate, trust, show that YOU are trustworthy, don’t judge, accept, explore, open up, learn, listen, love, be deep, don’t be afraid.

    Life is short and I regret terribly that I am just now truly beginning to learn these things and unlearn who I was before.
     
  2. sandwich

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    Yes, I agree. We're getting it all out in the open (kept a lot of it to myself with the ex fiance). Here's a question for you....how do you handle telling your SO that you never want to involve other people in your sex life?

    It never occurred to me before I joined this forum that this could be something I may wish to address. It hasn't come up, but I don't want to be married and have it come up in so many years.

    I know....I'll add it to the wedding vows...."I promise to never ask you to fuck another man"...no, I'm just kidding, but is it best to let the topic alone or bring it up? I like kinky, but not that variety.
     
  3. Adventurer

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    VERY...WELL...SAID!
    Thank you for this post.
    I think I will share this post with my wife because there are things...fantasies I have that I'm afraid to tell her. And I think she probably has fantasies too, but may feel it...wrong...to share them. Even though I am pretty sure she knows I'd love to hear them...and maybe that's another thing she is afraid of? But sometimes I wonder if she even has sexual fantasies.

    I would also like your permission to re-post this post elsewhere. (Like on my blog for example) I would give you credit of course. I'd just need to know how. (Ie real name, username, other, anonymous, etc.)
    I think this is something that people need to read. This really inspired me. Thanks
     
  4. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    My wife and I choose to be monogamous. It works for us because we both put sex with each other as a priority and back that up with our actions. Almost anything goes between us sexually, and it keeps things exciting and never boring.

    One needs to avoid making monogamy a sexual "prison sentence" instead of a sexual "celebration", as well as avoid taking sex for granted in a relationship. So while the desire for monogamy should certainly be communicated with word, it also needs to be reinforced with actions that make the monogamy exciting, through the ups and downs of the relationship. The difficulty is getting both parties to view it this way.
     
  5. Anotherday

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    You can use it, from anonymous.
     
  6. redics_girl

    redics_girl Active Member

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    depends... if you feel that strongly about it, i would bring it up. but if it hasn't ever been mentioned by him, maybe he's not interested in it either? I wish I had stuck to my original "No I'm not interested in that" the first time redic brought it up. eventually, I caved, and it damn near ruined my relationship. The act was fun, but the repercussions were far more damaging than i ever imagined.
     
  7. Anotherday

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    Bring it up, is all I can tell you. You don't have to emphatically lock the door on any one subject as we all tend to change over the years. The wife and I both harbor and talk openly about fantasies of group sex, but we've both agreed that while hot to think about, to fantasize about, it's just not for us in reality. A little too much to risk, too much unknown. Who knows though, maybe in a few years, or weeks, or whatever we may change our minds or we may not. For some, they make it work and make it work well. To each his own.

    Discussing limits, what you don't want to do, what you may not be willing to try just yet is just as important as discussing what you do want. However, my advice is to not slam the door and lock it with most things, just ease it shut and maybe take a peek inside at a later date.
     
  8. Adventurer

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    Hi redics girl,
    Would you mind sharing? I know many people view it as exciting and fun, you we seldom hear of what repercussions there is. Would you mind sharing your experience? If not openly here, the perhaps in a private message? I am very interested in hearing, as its something I've fantasized about. Not that my wife and i would do it.
    Thanks
     
  9. 12barblues

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    I have an interesting and messed up story about how a 3 some can go bad, when not thought through properly....

    A man, in his 30s , owned a business . He had a girlfriend of 10 years, she helped out with the business. and he had one employee. Long story short, they had a threesome and the woman ended up leaving the man for his employee. So in one fell swoop the guy lost his woman, his only employee and almost his business because he was so distraught after it happened that he couldn't focus on work...
    Now, you would think that this guy would have learned to think with his brain and not his dick, but about 10 years later ( i was employed by the same guy) he wanted to put me in bed with his new wife. I was smart enough to say no, even at the young age of 22....and I knew his wife and she never would have been ok with the aftermath of a threesome....so he probably would have lost an employee and a wife all over again...
    The moral of this story is communication is the basis of a great sexual relationship, sluttyfairy and I tell all of our fantasies, but just because you communicate it doesn't mean the other person will accept your fantasies. In fact, your fantasies may be something that you keep to yourself. A compromise of sorts....I guess I'm saying its rarely black and white....and talking openly about fantasies is something that all couples will have to approach differently and with different amounts of restraint....
     
  10. CuriousHubby

    CuriousHubby New Member

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    I really like what you have to say on this subject 12Bar, hits home for me.

    Wifey and I have been talking about 3somes and other people, guy or girl or both, for awhile now but its still very new.

    I feel alot like you though. We are communicating more openly and honestly now than ever before and its invigorating to be able to finally feel like its ok to say how you feel about sex and other people to the person you want to tell the most, without it being wrong and or dirty.

    Id love to talk more about it with you and get in your head lol if you have some time.
     
  11. coldplayer85

    coldplayer85 Member

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    Damn Anotherday, what a word!!

    Thanks dude ur the best!!
     
  12. xeniadraven

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    I think communication and OPENNESS is key in any relationship. Me and my husband share everything and it works. There may be times when one of us disagrees with the other but thats ok too - its a partnership therefore it can never be onesided.

    I can vouch for occasions when one of us has brought up a fantasy or idea that the other has disapproved of but we discuss ways of compromise and meeting somewhere in the middle which suits us both.

    If a relationship is left unfulfilled then one or both of you will seek that fulfillment elsewhere.

    Excellent topic Anotherday x