Coming Home to my Wife

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Logger, Feb 21, 2008.

  1. Logger

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    I have not always been ready for harmoniously handling my arriving home situations.

    I had started a simlar thread in 05, and some ideas apply from that thread.

    http://www.sexualforums.com/talk/showthread.php?t=494

    Sometimes I have in mind a loving evening, and I allow a disagreement to escalate into an argument, which leaves resentment, that derails lovemaking.

    So my first approach needs to be ready for the unexpected concerns. I need to first be ready to listen to unexpected difficulties, or problems. I need to avoid expressing my opinions on issues, if that can at all possibly be delayed, and to primarily listen witout commiting to a particualr course of action.

    I can suggest a time the next day, to discuss preliminary attempts at solutions.
    Tonight, I can acknowledge the various aspects of the ramifications of the problem. I can begin massaging her back, and scratching her back, in massage strokes.

    Often, my wife is not in her bste mood, and can feel better, with an increase endorphin release, so I need to work her large muscle groups, to get her muscles to release endorphins, to get my wife feeling good.

    I need to work her small muscles in her neck to get her to relax tension. I need to get her undressed, get the room warmed up, if needed, and let her hands start to feel like she is in control of my rod.

    I need to gently start changing her positions for further undressing, and covering with a sheet instead of a blanket. Once I have begun suckling, I can bring out lubricants, without arousing a rejection, of having been presumpuous.

    For delays, I can simply pump myself for a while, getting my breathing louder, which seems to encompass her energies along her whole body.

    With my thigh between her legs, to manage position changes, seems to create a coupling of spirits.

    ..
     
  2. Logger

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    A few more steps:

    One is to resolve to avoid suggestions or anything like criticism.

    Review my list of compliments to look for opportunities of sincerity.

    I need to open my seconday lube case, and start trickeling the hot water, so I can warm up the lubes for inserting. I can run the hot woater, and fill a platic mug wtih hot water, to start egetting the lubes warmed up in the tubes. I don't need to use the lubes, if action doe snot proceed. Nothing wasted, if I just start the process. Last night I was too tired when it came time to get out the deeper lubes, and did not finish till the next moring.

    I keep the cologne in the deeper lube case, so I can get on my cologne, when I open the deeper lube, combination case. After I have gotten dreamy, it is hard for me to unlock the case, so it is better to unlock the combination, with those little illegible numbers, earlier, than later, Simple to lock back up.

    I need to have open ended questions in mind, so my wife feels an invitation to express her ideas.

    "What are your ideas about________," whatever subject has come up.

    "What would you like to change about that?"
     
  3. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Hey my friend...your thread is a little hard to read, but I gather that you and your wife often unintentionally end up in conflict during discussions? Correct me if I misunderstood.

    Here's a few things I try to remember and act on (not that I succeed, but at least the effort is there):

    - Men are often wired to try to fix problems, so when our lady tells us about how she feels about some problem she has, we try to come up with a solution. That's often NOT what she wants. For many women, how she FEELS about the issue is actually the problem (not the issue itself) and she needs us to simply LISTEN and try to understand how she feels WITHOUT trying to come up with a solution. I catch myself doing this all the time and stop myself when I do. It's simply that we are wired differently in this regard. She simply wants us to listen and focus on her feelings, not try to fix anything. (Ladies, correct me if I'm wrong here.)

    - Sometimes intentions get misinterpreted. Either person can say something with one intention and the other perceives it entirely differently. For instance, it's easily possible to say something actually meant as a compliment and it gets interpreted as a put-down. When this happens with me (when I'm the one making the statement), I remind myself that my intention totally does not matter...what matters is how the other person perceives my comment. I will certainly explain that "I meant that as a compliment", but I'll also take responsibility and apologize quickly if it's perceived the opposite of what I intended.

    - In general, treat others the way you wish to be treated. (Yeah, I know...none of us accomplish this 100% of the time...but if we don't aim for perfection, we won't even get close.) If you want kindness and respect, then show kindness and respect...set the example, do what you know is the right thing, and hope that your partner will follow suite.

    - Keep in mind that intimacy with another person starts long before the bedroom (I think that's true of most women and some men). If you want that woman to burn for you, then you have to give her what she needs from you all day (or at least put some reasonable effort into it), not just when it's time to hit the sack.

    Ya know, none of us achieve all of this all the time. There are simply no perfect people on the planet. But, if you at least try, you are much more likely to get somewhere. If you put forth the effort 0% of the time, you'll succeed 0% of the time. If you even put forth the effort 50% of the time, you might succeed 25% of the time...and that's still better than succeeding 0% of the time, right? AND...once you succeed a little and get some positive feedback from your SO, then that ought to really increase your motivation...if you get positive feedback, before you know it you'll be putting forth the effort nearly 100% of the time and probably succeeding a lot more. If your partner isn't good at giving positive feedback, try to find a way to use THAT itself as a motivation also..."I'm going to try harder until you notice" kind of mindset. If you are persistent, this will work at least some percentage of the time I think.

    HTH,
    BD
     
  4. Dreama

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    Logger, you know I love ya, but sometimes, I feel as though your wife is part of some sort of scientific analysis. It always sounds like your a scientist, describing the actions of the 'female' and how you have to to interact with her...Maybe you should try to deal with things as they come, don't always calculate everything before interacting with your wife.
     
  5. Logger

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    My first two posts are largely mechanical.

    Questions to get my wife to discuss her inner feelings, and to show that I am intersted in her thoughts and feelings are possibly a path to being more sensitve to the moment.

    Maybe noticing effort. Sometimes my wife cleans, sometimes she doesn't. I could paymore attention so as to comment on her working at something. In addition to effort, the effort to make the effort.

    ..
     
  6. Barbwire

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    I agree with Dreama, just let it flow, man. Sometimes, the more you think about things you are going to say, the more phony they sound when you say them.
     
  7. HardRocker

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    Maybe instead of looking for an opportunity to comment on something (I guess you want her to know you appreciate whatever it is) join in with her and do things together. Thoughtful discussions may follow naturally out of genuine interest. It sounds like you're uptight too, worried if she appreciates that you appreciate her. Your approach is more like manipulation. If my answer sounds fragmented, it's because my understanding of your situation is a bit confused.
     
  8. HardRocker

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    I thought more about my having called your method manipulation. Understand, I don't mean that it seems like manipulation in a malicious way, just that out of frustration, it's the MO you've unintentionally developed. She probably suffers from the same frustration over yourselves not meshing. That is one part of marriage that is hard to overcome, because it takes the familiarity of history together, and it grows slowly at first. And the first three years is just enough time to realize that it really is hard.
    That's something y'all can talk about too. Knowing each others struggles is the lube of life.:D Damn, I'm a poet and don't know it!
     
  9. Logger

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    Sneaky manipulation is something to avoid.

    Kindly, thoughtful considerate treatment is what many women sometimes appreciate.

    My wife likes to watch TV before going to sleep. I have not used the best phrases for asking her to give me some attention, in the past.

    Last night I developed some I want to keep. "Are you ready to turn off the TV yet?"
    "Are you ready to turn off the TV now?"

    So I can just massage her back, etc, and as endorphins are released, my wife will sometimes, eventutally be more interested in me, than the TV.

    So it is my job to give her time to allow her interests to be aroused, with time passing.

    Another mistake I have made is to give up on the first rejection, and just lie there, and eventually go to sleep. I just need to wait three minutes, and start another massage cycle.

    The other magic is just laying down next to my wife. Or sitting next to any woman. The vibes start up. It takes a little while, but appreciative comments and energy, build up attraction, between the nervous systems.



    ..
     
    #9 Logger, Mar 14, 2008
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2008
  10. Logger

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    The tone of voice for asking my wife if she is ready to turn off the TV is important. The idea is not to nag her, but rather to give her the CONTROL of when the TV is shut off. I have sometimes presumed she was ready for me to turn off the TV, shut it off on my own, and I have received criticism from my wife. So the questions are in the tone, of her self-determinism, and not from my manipuation.

    The night before last, I made it clear that is up to her whether the TV got shut off at all that night. My role was simply stimulation for distraction. This was a test of my stimulation skills.

    ..
     
  11. Logger

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    My general coming home principles are:

    A. When I get home, avoid discussing issues in conroversey, save those discussions for a problem solving or negotiating time.

    B. My wife likes to have the kitchen neat. It is not clear when I am finished with meat for a snack from the refrigerator, so I should neaterize the kitchen, and put any perishables back in the refrigerator, in a sealing baggy. If ther are no ziplocks in the kitchen, bring some up from the basement.

    C. Lie down next to my wife, and let time of laying together to work magic.

    D. Before laying down, get everthing unlocked and ready for deep lubrication. Plan on being tired and ready for sleep, by the time my wife is fully aroused. Start warming deep lubes.

    E. Shave and put on cologne, and pick up socks to go in the hamper. Arrange laundry for going to sleep.

    F. I have not tried ab and back exercises in bed with my wife, as a routine. Maybe laying next to her, wating for her mood to arise, I can use the tem for some exercses, lifting my legs, putting some pillows under my back for some crunches.

    G. To fully let her climax, I may need to get her attention from the TV. I can sometimes climax with her watching TV, but I am not sure she is climaxing. So I should probably ask a couple of times in the process, if she is ready to turn off the TV. My wife seems to expect me to turn off the TV, but that I should somehow figure out when she is ready, without her telling me.

    H. My wife's taking time to get aroused, lets me take time to get fully satisfied, myself. So any little visions I have in mind, I can visualize privately while my wife is taking her time.

    I. Take breaks if I am getting too excited too early, before my wife is ready. It is sometime difficult to know if she is going to be rady soon, or I should just go ahead and climax dry, with my rubbing lubes.

    J. Determine centers of Sensuality. Past history for what was stimulating should be considered. Visoins of ideas of locations for massage may arise from a quiet period. Maybe a question, "Does this feel good here?" Invites my wife to comment on where she might feel tightness, or discomfort.



    ..
     
    #11 Logger, Mar 16, 2008
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2008
  12. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Dude...I'm getting the impression that you have to "walk on eggshells" to get along. Is that the case or am I just misreading your posts?

    This is certainly not a criticism at all...you just seem so scientific about this! I do think it's great that you put so much thought into trying to please your SO...kudos to you on that. If it works, it works. You must be trying to do better at some of it or overcome some challenge, or you wouldn't be posting this here, right?

    Regardless, good luck with it.

    BD
     
  13. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    Whenever I read any of your posts I find them both sad and fascinating. Dreama is right that it sounds like you're keeping a journal of an ongoing scientific experiment, in which the object is to test the relative arousal levels and degree of sexual acceptingness of the human female subject of the experiment, i.e.: your wife.

    It's extraordinary to me that simply preparing for a potential sexual encounter with your wife requires so much thought and effort. I can only guess that your relationship has gotten to point where there's absolutely no spontaneity left in it, and I find that very sad.
     
  14. Dreama

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    Ditto. :(
     
  15. Logger

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    Thanks for everyone's concerns. I am trying to make the best of my marriage. There are a few preparations, that if I overlook some of the preparations, that when the spontineity arrives, then options are dimished, without having made the prepartions.

    I put my prepartions checklist here, so I can refer to the list occasionally. Maybe somebody will have some additional preparations for going to bed. I wish I could just leave everything out, ready to use. My wife likes to have the whole house ready for occasional visitors, so I put everything away before I leave for work the next day.
     
  16. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    Dont prepare
    Just do

    Hiker
     
  17. loveit247

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    Guys, Logger is a strange dude, he just is. LOL! I find his posts sad and funny too. I feel for him, but I think that is just how he is. He is deeply analytical to the point of being obsessive. But a sweetie none the less. I would not mind getting all the attention and though he puts into his wife.